Update

Oh, Bloggity. I've missed you. I pulled you up quite a few times, stared at a blank screen, and realized I'd rather be doing something else. You're not a chore, per se, just that with me and writing, there's always an element of mind-digging that I'm not always in the mood for. That being said, I feel like I need some mind-digging right now, as this dilemma is...a big one. In a weird way.

But first, a few quick updates since February. (ugh. I'm a failure)

-I finished up the semester like a champ. ish. but whatever. I passed everything with fairly decent grades, and am moving onto senior year. (Whatever that means. Credit-wise, I've been a senior for a couple of years now.)
-After sending out hundreds (I'm not even exaggerating--I quit counting around 225) of resumes, I received one callback from a nearby coffee shop on the beach. *le sigh* So after my promises to never work for an indie shop or in coffee again, I'm rocking my barista pants. The place is fun, the people I work for are great, and there's been no drama with getting paid or co-workers or owners or anything. I like it.
-I'm not even sure if I was a part of FYAE the last time I wrote here. But. James asked me at some point to help him run his music page FYAE, and it's been on ever since. We've more than doubled our followship since I took part, we've done some interviews with some amazing musicians, and have even gotten major label albums sent to us for review. AND AND AND...guest list tickets for the Portugal. The Man show in Orlando in October. There are moments I want to punch James for being needy and bossy, but for the most part, he and I work well together and this has become just as important to me as it is to him. We've got Jen working on a logo for us, there's talk of us building a real website, and...good things. This is my other job, it feels like. The job where I get paid in "likes" instead of money.
-I joined a gym a few weeks ago, and have lost six pounds so far. I don't like working out, I still hate vegetables, and am crabby about not putting half-n-half in my coffee, but this is something I've needed to do for a long ass time, and I'm doing my best to make it a priority.

That's it for the easily listed stuff, I think. Onto the more complicated things, of which, mainly, there are three.

While I'm super duper stoked at the idea of graduating, the whole intense fear of "What next?" is definitely there. Grad school isn't exactly on the table right now, and...well, my degree on its own is pretty useless as far as getting me into a psychology-related job. I'm trying to remain positive here, but it's hard when...well, you're me. This is multiplied when I consider the fact that I have no idea where I'll be living next year.

Which brings me to the next thing: the relationship thing. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on things, life throws a wrench in my gears. Out of nowhere, I get a facebook message from Ian, who I haven't heard from in years. Our relationship back then was...complicated, to say the least. We ended things on a rough note--a dispute over religious beliefs, which...I won't get into at this point. Regardless. He facebooked me with a heartfelt apology, and we've since reconnected. At first it was fairly innocent catching up, but flirting has happened on both ends, which...gives me the guilt. It doesn't help that right now Greg and I are in another "not speaking all that often due to schedules" spiral. It's lead to me to a lot of questioning. I don't particularly want to go out and replace Greg with another long distance situation, but at the same time, I find myself getting angrier and more frustrated, and Ian has paid a lot of attention to me as of late. It's confusing.

There are pros and cons to each person, in regards to the contemplation of the relationship. Even just from a personality standpoint. Greg and I work in very similar fashions and have very similar life views and personalities. There are vast differences on the surface, but the important things mesh well. Ian and I operate differently in a lot of ways--he's extremely extroverted, he's very serious (compared to Greg, who is my goofball counterpart), and has a conservative streak that I don't have. I also really have no desire to live in Indiana--none. Indy's not my home anymore and I really have no emotional attachment to it.

I don't know. The whole thing is confusing and complicated, and I keep wondering if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. My plan right now is just let things happen as they will and see where it takes me. I don't know what will happen, but for now, I'm just trying to make sure that I make the best decision for me in the long run.

I don't know, Bloggy. I wanna keep writing, but I'm tired and my brain is full. I think I'll pick this up later.

Yarrrrr

I always have the best of intentions with you, bloggy-poo. "I'm going to update at least once a week!"...and then I get wrapped up in my own shenanigans and all of a sudden five weeks or three months or whatever have gone by, and I feel that annoying pang of guilt that I should be updating more, because maybe this is the only way that people keep track of me or whatever, so...yeah. If that's you, lo siento. Take some solace in my guilt or something. *wink*

Anyway. What is there to say these days? School takes up most of my time...except days like today, where I'd been so wrapped up in my beautifully balanced homework/internet surfing that I glanced over at my clock and realized I should have left about twenty minutes prior and that it would appear I was taking the day off. Oops. This happens more than I'd like to admit. And to think at one point the powers that be wanted to diagnose me with ADHD. Ha. Not likely.

Hmm. The boy front. A minor setback, in that he and I spending time together for spring break isn't happening. However. It's for a legitimate reason--apparently, ever since his work was in the student show at school, there's been a local gallery owner scouting him, and he's been super swamped trying to put together pieces for that, as well as getting ready for the ceramics conference in Houston, and with his regular class load on top of it...yeah. He's taking spring break to make sure that he gets everything done. Which I was upset about for about 48 hours, and then realized that...well, pouting about it doesn't really change things, so I might as well be happy about the fact that I won't have to try and split up time between Greg and my friends, and I should just be happy that he's doing so well in school and his art seems to be taking him somewhere. If nothing else, we still have plans for him to come down this summer and his parents are still still planning the Disney/Harry Potter world vacation of a lifetime, so...I will him this summer. Boom. In the meantime, I'm doing me, he's doing him, and we're working towards us. Good things. The distance thing is rough, but hopefully after we both finish school, we can make a real honest go of things.

His student art show display. Totally legit. 

Greg and one of his recent sculpture pieces. He's the only person I know who is more awkward in photos than I am. xD

Things are still a little hazy on the job front. I gave myself until after spring break to start legitimately looking again.  Kay told me last night that the new revamped hospital coffee shop opened yesterday...and to go beg for a job. Erica has a hypothetical job opportunity working for one of the women she works with, who apparently owns a winery or something. I'll harass these places upon my return from StL, plus the internet. I need to get some cash flow happening. Luckily, I'm getting back a decent tax return this year, but thanks to a law passed by G Dubs Jr, I'm going to have to come up with a semester's worth of tuition on my own without federal aid. Some of us aren't trying to trick the government into giving us money to be professional students. Some of us were just indecisive and had some trouble finding the right school and major. Annoying. I wish I could blow it off, but that semester will be my last undergrad if all goes accordingly, so...yeah. Need to come up with monies now.

 The family is fine. Mom and Dave finally set a wedding date--March 22. They're not having a huge ceremony--just going to the courthouse. The next week they're going on a honeymoon of sorts...they're going to NASA. lol. Leave it to these nerds to wanna look at spaceships and junk to celebrate their marriage. Whatever. I get an empty house for the week...well, me and the zoo. My brother and I are still not speaking since our throw-down in November, although I've talked to Kasie a few times. Her thyroid cancer seems to be going well--she got through surgery just fine, and we're just waiting to hear whether it's spread and the next step. The munchkins are also doing fine, as far as I know. Kasie sends me pictures fairly often, including this one, in which their nerdiness is showing.

Mikey and Lizzie, superkids. 

There are points in which I really wish that my brother and I were closer, but we're so different on how we view the world these days, it's hard to even have a conversation with him. He's so closed-minded and bitter, it's hard to even have a conversation with him without wanting to smack him. He resents me living here with mom, he resents the fact that I refuse to build any sort of relationship with our biological father's family, he resents my issues with depression, my job issues, and...pretty much all of my life choices to this point. Meanwhile, while the choices he's made are not necessarily the choices I would have made myself or for him, if he's happy, I'm happy for him. The only thing that really upsets me is his new gun obsession and his need to post all these gun pictures on facebook. I don't like the idea of friggin automatic rifles in the house with the munchkins, not to mention advertising it all over facebook. But...whatever. Not much I can do from Florida while he's in Montana. And I have Cody. Sometimes I want to clobber him, but as far as stepbrothers go, he's the
tops. I just wish he didn't eat all the time always and watch so much Big Bang Theory. I'm really starting to hate that show just from sheer exposure.

Hockey Hockey Hockeyyyyy. I got to go to my first hockey in AGES with the Ritters and Jhanavi. Erica threw me in a Lightning jersey, it was weird, and I had to fight really hard not to yell "Let's Go Blues!" throughout most of the game. Regardless, it was amazing, and I'm super excited to get to a game with Katherine in a couple of weeks.

Jhanavi, Ryan, Thunderbug, Erica, and yours truly.

 
Ok. I need to shove on. But look bloggy-poo, I put pictures up, not to mention gave a pretty decent update on things. BE PROUD.

...I'll try real hard to see you soon. <3 br="">

Back into the swing of things.

It's been a few minutes since I've updated, and I've got plenty to update about, so...let's get to it, shall we?

--I survived my first semester at USF, which is pretty exciting (at least, to me.) I did fairly decently...I ended up with an A+ in lit, an A in spanish, a B+ in cognitive psych, a B in social psych, and a C in stats. (A C that really should be a C+, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't "believe" in the +/- system. How can you not believe in it if it's a real thing? Stupid.) So, I got a 3.3 for the semester, which bumped my cumulative GPA a tad bit. Right now it's hovering right below a 3.1, so as long as I keep on track the next couple of semesters, I should be more than covered for the GPA aspect of getting into grad school. (Most schools are looking for a 3.0 or higher GPA, so while I'll more than likely be on the lower end of that, hopefully I can make it up with decent GRE scores.)

--Going to see Greg in Memphis was absolutely wonderful. We had a lot of low-key fun, since neither of us really oozing excess funds to do a ton of stuff, but it was just wonderful to get to spend time with him again and to meet his family. His parents are adorable and sweet, and we got along great. (This was something I was generally terrified of going into it.) I'm excited to see them again in March. 

--St. Louis was pretty nice as well. To be honest, the combination of all the traveling to and from Memphis and finals kicked my ass from an energy standpoint, so while there were people I should have seen and things I should have done and didn't, I enjoyed my time there. As always, it was awesome to get the chance to spend time with my Katykat...who was pretty much the only person I saw who wasn't family. I'll be better about fitting everyone in next time.  I'm also excited to be THERE in March.

--New Years was a non-event. I had an irish coffee and a Mythbusters marathon while my parents watched Star Wars. Hell, the only one of us that had anything to do was Cody, who went to some band party function with his ladyfriend. So...yay New Years. Whatever. Pretty much since I've left the Lou, it's turned into just another night.

--The semester started Monday, and...it'll be fine. Another semester of too much studying and wearing out my brain. Yanno. Things I've gotten used to. (I'm trying to muster enthuasium, and right now I'm worn out from the four hours of homework I just finished.)


...this is intensely condensed and scrimped on the details, mostly because I'm tired and my brain is jelly. I'll put some face time soon and actually expand upon my life, but...for those of you that keep track of my shenanigans via this blog, update. It happened. ;)

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Update.

I have a million and one things that I should be doing right now, but I'm in a post- lo mein coma, so any attempts to keep studying would be fairly fruitless. Thus, I will take twenty minutes, blather an update, and then make more coffee.

Two weeks from today, I will be on my merry way to Memphis to see Greg.  I keep having to pinch myself, to make sure this is actually happening. Things have been going really well since our reconnection post-Amy, and with that particular situation handled on MY terms, I feel confident moving forward. Lots of future plans. He is considering me when making his future educational/vocational plans, and even asking my opinions. We've come a long way. He's considering grad school right here, in the lovely state of Florida, which..I can't tell you how happy that would make me. (The only thing that would be better would be us together, back in the Lou. We both miss it terribly.)

I'll spend a week in Memphis, come home, repack my suitcase, spend a quick minute with the Chewster and then make the trek with mama to the Lou for a weekish there for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to this in a different way. I'm excited to spend time with the grandparents, I'm excited to see KT, Schubs, Garrett, Boston--whoever I end up seeing.  I'm excited to be able to be back in my city--to know where I'm going with confidence, to be able to go to my old favorite places, with people who are like-minded and wonderful.


HOWEVER.

Before I get to do anything fun, I have to survive the next two weeks of classes. There's so much to do, and it feels like there's not enough time. I'm me, I don't ever work as fast or as efficiently as I could/should be, because...I don't know. I never have. However, I'm trying to stay on top of things best I can. I've got papers, tests, reading, studying, note taking, the whole nine yards. I feel like all this stuff kinda just...poof! appeared, and now I'm blowing my brains out to stay afloat. However, you and I know the truth, humble blog readers--I'm lazy. I found myself engaging in a couple of behaviors over the course of this semester that always get me into trouble--mostly, not staying motivated, and not going to class.

It's a frustrating feeling to know that while, yes, I'm blowing my brains out now trying to stay caught up because of all the classes I've missed over the past month or so due to...whatever you want to call it (I'm sure some people will call it depression, I would call it general worn-out-ed-ness/laziness)...I'm still doing fairly well in basically all of my classes. I have a 100% in my lit class, an A in spanish, B's in cognitive and social psych, and a C that can be bumped to a B in stats if I do well on this next test. In other words, kids, be like me...skip a bunch of classes, do the work at home in your jammies, and still do just as well as those fools that roll out of bed and go to class every day. *wink*

This is part of the reason why I made an effort to take classes online next semester--and the classes I do have to be on campus for are in the afternoon. I'm stuck in this night-owl space--I might as well embrace it and be able to do homework at 3AM without dealing with the punishment of having to roll out of bed in 3 hours to go attempt to stay awake through class.

There's so much more I could write about, but I actually should get some stuff done. I'll try to be better about writing. (Especially over Christmas break--I'm sure I'll have some fun stories from my travels!)

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Great Expectations.

No, I'm not talking about the novel. Dear lord, I'm not THAT pretentious. (yet.)

So, school hath started. I find myself struggling in a few ways with it...mostly in that my great expectations (see? see what I did there? xD) haven't exactly been met.

I don't particularly know WHAT my expectations were, to be honest. I don't know if I expected to find a group of like-minded people to spend time with. I don't know if I expected to roll in there and be intelligent and experienced enough to not have to work. (Which in itself sounds pretentious, but...to be frank, this has been the case in most of my academic career.) That I would begin to feel confident and useful in my endeavors again. I think these were hopes, not expectations.

Well, whatever they were, they're pretty unfulfilled at this point.

That's not to say that my experience thus far has been completely miserable. It's been fine. I go to class, I take my notes, I leave. I do my homework, blow my brains out trying to keep up with intense amounts of reading in five classes, work my twenty five hours, and do laundry on Sundays.

I just...I don't know. My heart's not in it.

I feel like Jane Goodall observing the apes when I'm on campus. I look around and just feel completely isolated from the people there. I feel like I would enjoy getting to know someone, anyone, but...I've forgotten how to speak their language. I've forgotten how the hell these people interact....if I ever really knew in the first place. Given my track record, I haven't really made many friends from college, exclusively. (I actually can only think of two people.) Most of my friends I've made in other settings. I don't know what this means, aside from my not being extremely social in general on campuses.

But it's not even just that...I've tried connecting with people, and somehow, someway, I'm OLD. How the hell did that happen?! I'm fucking 25. The only person who has talked to me past conversation one and remembers who the hell I am is a middle aged lady finishing her degree because her children are now grown and she has time. Like...seriously? Am I that out of touch in a year that I don't know how to communicate with these people?!

I understand that the majority of them are 19, 20. But I have friends that are that age, and I interact and connect with them just fine. And on one hand, I'm almost sort of flattered that I'm too "mature" for them. I'm a grownup, in ways that they're not. At the same time...feeling like a social outcast because of it is unfortunate and awkward.

I also wonder how much of it is a regional cultural thing. I mean...straight up, I'm different than the majority of people attending school there. I'm from out of state. I'm older than your typical undergrad. I don't have a lot of the previous ties that bring those kids together. I'm also just...different. I've always been different, in that "air quotes" kind of way, which is usually synonymous with weird, freak, outsider...blah blah blah. High school I had very few *real* friends...mostly groups that I just sort of...awkwardly existed on the fringe of. I realize that I don't *look* like your typical 25 year old, that I don't have a lot of the same interests, beliefs...I don't know. I just feel uncomfortable being there, which is stupid, because in reality, it's not like I'm being tortured or teased or anything of the sort...I don't know.

It's me. For all I know, it's all in my head, and it's perfectly normal, and I'm just weirded out because it's new and foreign.



Whatever. I have to get ready for class. woo.

Mini-rant.

You've seen them, dear reader. On the facebooks.

That picture. It's cancer-girl. Soldier-dad. It's that "uplifting" quote in shitty cursive writing on a floral background. Maybe it's even Jesus.

Then you're supposed to "like" it if you "have a heart" "support the troops" "think bald is beautiful" "Are a good Christian."

Here's my issue with this.

CLICKING LIKE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

You want to support cancer-girl? Donate to cancer research. Volunteer at your local hospital. Think soldiers are awesome? Volunteer at a Veteran's hospital. Support the Wounded Warrior Project.

Last I checked, Jesus didn't give a shit WHAT you clicked on Facebook. He spoke of doing Good Works and taking care of mankind, not clicking a picture of a mountain that says "SERVE HIM OR GO TO HELL" on it.

These posts irritate me more than anything else on the internet. Don't clutter Facebook with these images that are supposed to induce guilt and all that. Take that energy and that intent and use it to do something positive. Something concrete. Something useful.

What a lovely shade of apathy.

So, it's been three months since I've posted anything here. It's not necessarily for lack of trying...apparently I've started half a dozen or so entries, and just quit halfway through. (I just cleaned out a bunch of drafts.) I have a hard time sitting down and trying to write when more and more I feel as though I have nothing to say.

I've been down here a year. Well, now almost 14 months. I don't know how to feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about it. Florida still feels like a new album to me...I haven't given it enough listens yet to really make a decision, but so far...I'm not impressed. Which is concerning. However. It's also very much my own fault. I've made little to no effort in getting out and experiencing the world around me.

I've spent the last 14 months trying to convince everyone that I'm sane, that my depression and crazy is behind me, finally, and that I've beat my own mental demons into submission. The truth is, I ALWAYS think that this time is *the* time, this is the point in which I give up being crazy and realize that Thoreau is right, that it's time to lead my life of quiet desperation and accept that I'll go to the grave with song and fight still in me...that it's time to give up and just accept adulthood for the quiet, soul sucking misadventure that it isn't. I'm not sure where I stand on the mental health front. I go to work, I do the things I'm supposed to do...I've carefully constructed a world in which very little is required of me. I've spent so much time and effort putting forth the appearance of being and seeming normal, that maybe it's just become habit to the point where it worked. Maybe sanity, for my sake, is just the ability to run on auto-pilot and convince myself it works. Then again...maybe I lose my shit in another year. You never know.

 IAG has strangely been in my thoughts a lot as of the past few days. Facebook and the like has made it easier to keep a loose grip on those people and their general whereabouts and the like these days. I find myself getting really angry these days at Craig. It's really easy to cast the blame of my situation on him. If he hadn't closed the store, I'd still be in the Lou. I'd still be there. I'd have my financial independence, my physical and emotional independence. I'd go to one of those schools and finish up my degree there, and still be able to have a social life. It's so easy to cast the blame of my whole situation on him. However, this is real life, and real life is never that fucking simple. I think part of the reason why IAG has popped into my head is because of my realization that I don't want to be a barista. I don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I'm stuck, because when you've spent the last 8 years of your life doing something, and you're not qualified or certified to do anything else...you're stuck. I want out of this job. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm trapped in this weird world where I'm forced to take orders and do the bitchwork for people in management who are less qualified to be there. Frankly, it's disheartening to take orders from an apathetic 21 year old. It's disheartening to have a lazy 17 year old as a work peer. It's hard to watch yet another business fail, knowing that I have the tools to make it run more smoothly, and maybe even save it from its inevitable demise. My ability to care seems to be stuck in a mode of absolutes--I absolutely care, or I absolutely don't. It varies from day to day, but I can't seem to get it to be some healthy shade of gray. (hurr hurr.)

 I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm just genetically dispositioned to have a dark and cynical outlook....such an outlook often goes hand in hand with superior intellect. Which is disappointing, but also seems to make sense. With a better understanding of the world and how it works comes a better, more obvious view of its faults. I wonder if this knowledge will bring me to some tragic, exciting demise down the road. Probably not. This is probably not the best image to project after falling off the blogging map for as long as I did. Things are probably not nearly as bleak as they seem here--I'm far too apathetic these days to be this bleak. I'm getting over being sick, which always seems to do a number on my happy chemicals. Things are not as bad as they seem--a new car will be happening soon, the school year will start, I've made a few local friends....things aren't awful.

 All right. I'm tired. It's time for sleep.