Update

Oh, Bloggity. I've missed you. I pulled you up quite a few times, stared at a blank screen, and realized I'd rather be doing something else. You're not a chore, per se, just that with me and writing, there's always an element of mind-digging that I'm not always in the mood for. That being said, I feel like I need some mind-digging right now, as this dilemma is...a big one. In a weird way.

But first, a few quick updates since February. (ugh. I'm a failure)

-I finished up the semester like a champ. ish. but whatever. I passed everything with fairly decent grades, and am moving onto senior year. (Whatever that means. Credit-wise, I've been a senior for a couple of years now.)
-After sending out hundreds (I'm not even exaggerating--I quit counting around 225) of resumes, I received one callback from a nearby coffee shop on the beach. *le sigh* So after my promises to never work for an indie shop or in coffee again, I'm rocking my barista pants. The place is fun, the people I work for are great, and there's been no drama with getting paid or co-workers or owners or anything. I like it.
-I'm not even sure if I was a part of FYAE the last time I wrote here. But. James asked me at some point to help him run his music page FYAE, and it's been on ever since. We've more than doubled our followship since I took part, we've done some interviews with some amazing musicians, and have even gotten major label albums sent to us for review. AND AND AND...guest list tickets for the Portugal. The Man show in Orlando in October. There are moments I want to punch James for being needy and bossy, but for the most part, he and I work well together and this has become just as important to me as it is to him. We've got Jen working on a logo for us, there's talk of us building a real website, and...good things. This is my other job, it feels like. The job where I get paid in "likes" instead of money.
-I joined a gym a few weeks ago, and have lost six pounds so far. I don't like working out, I still hate vegetables, and am crabby about not putting half-n-half in my coffee, but this is something I've needed to do for a long ass time, and I'm doing my best to make it a priority.

That's it for the easily listed stuff, I think. Onto the more complicated things, of which, mainly, there are three.

While I'm super duper stoked at the idea of graduating, the whole intense fear of "What next?" is definitely there. Grad school isn't exactly on the table right now, and...well, my degree on its own is pretty useless as far as getting me into a psychology-related job. I'm trying to remain positive here, but it's hard when...well, you're me. This is multiplied when I consider the fact that I have no idea where I'll be living next year.

Which brings me to the next thing: the relationship thing. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on things, life throws a wrench in my gears. Out of nowhere, I get a facebook message from Ian, who I haven't heard from in years. Our relationship back then was...complicated, to say the least. We ended things on a rough note--a dispute over religious beliefs, which...I won't get into at this point. Regardless. He facebooked me with a heartfelt apology, and we've since reconnected. At first it was fairly innocent catching up, but flirting has happened on both ends, which...gives me the guilt. It doesn't help that right now Greg and I are in another "not speaking all that often due to schedules" spiral. It's lead to me to a lot of questioning. I don't particularly want to go out and replace Greg with another long distance situation, but at the same time, I find myself getting angrier and more frustrated, and Ian has paid a lot of attention to me as of late. It's confusing.

There are pros and cons to each person, in regards to the contemplation of the relationship. Even just from a personality standpoint. Greg and I work in very similar fashions and have very similar life views and personalities. There are vast differences on the surface, but the important things mesh well. Ian and I operate differently in a lot of ways--he's extremely extroverted, he's very serious (compared to Greg, who is my goofball counterpart), and has a conservative streak that I don't have. I also really have no desire to live in Indiana--none. Indy's not my home anymore and I really have no emotional attachment to it.

I don't know. The whole thing is confusing and complicated, and I keep wondering if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. My plan right now is just let things happen as they will and see where it takes me. I don't know what will happen, but for now, I'm just trying to make sure that I make the best decision for me in the long run.

I don't know, Bloggy. I wanna keep writing, but I'm tired and my brain is full. I think I'll pick this up later.

Yarrrrr

I always have the best of intentions with you, bloggy-poo. "I'm going to update at least once a week!"...and then I get wrapped up in my own shenanigans and all of a sudden five weeks or three months or whatever have gone by, and I feel that annoying pang of guilt that I should be updating more, because maybe this is the only way that people keep track of me or whatever, so...yeah. If that's you, lo siento. Take some solace in my guilt or something. *wink*

Anyway. What is there to say these days? School takes up most of my time...except days like today, where I'd been so wrapped up in my beautifully balanced homework/internet surfing that I glanced over at my clock and realized I should have left about twenty minutes prior and that it would appear I was taking the day off. Oops. This happens more than I'd like to admit. And to think at one point the powers that be wanted to diagnose me with ADHD. Ha. Not likely.

Hmm. The boy front. A minor setback, in that he and I spending time together for spring break isn't happening. However. It's for a legitimate reason--apparently, ever since his work was in the student show at school, there's been a local gallery owner scouting him, and he's been super swamped trying to put together pieces for that, as well as getting ready for the ceramics conference in Houston, and with his regular class load on top of it...yeah. He's taking spring break to make sure that he gets everything done. Which I was upset about for about 48 hours, and then realized that...well, pouting about it doesn't really change things, so I might as well be happy about the fact that I won't have to try and split up time between Greg and my friends, and I should just be happy that he's doing so well in school and his art seems to be taking him somewhere. If nothing else, we still have plans for him to come down this summer and his parents are still still planning the Disney/Harry Potter world vacation of a lifetime, so...I will him this summer. Boom. In the meantime, I'm doing me, he's doing him, and we're working towards us. Good things. The distance thing is rough, but hopefully after we both finish school, we can make a real honest go of things.

His student art show display. Totally legit. 

Greg and one of his recent sculpture pieces. He's the only person I know who is more awkward in photos than I am. xD

Things are still a little hazy on the job front. I gave myself until after spring break to start legitimately looking again.  Kay told me last night that the new revamped hospital coffee shop opened yesterday...and to go beg for a job. Erica has a hypothetical job opportunity working for one of the women she works with, who apparently owns a winery or something. I'll harass these places upon my return from StL, plus the internet. I need to get some cash flow happening. Luckily, I'm getting back a decent tax return this year, but thanks to a law passed by G Dubs Jr, I'm going to have to come up with a semester's worth of tuition on my own without federal aid. Some of us aren't trying to trick the government into giving us money to be professional students. Some of us were just indecisive and had some trouble finding the right school and major. Annoying. I wish I could blow it off, but that semester will be my last undergrad if all goes accordingly, so...yeah. Need to come up with monies now.

 The family is fine. Mom and Dave finally set a wedding date--March 22. They're not having a huge ceremony--just going to the courthouse. The next week they're going on a honeymoon of sorts...they're going to NASA. lol. Leave it to these nerds to wanna look at spaceships and junk to celebrate their marriage. Whatever. I get an empty house for the week...well, me and the zoo. My brother and I are still not speaking since our throw-down in November, although I've talked to Kasie a few times. Her thyroid cancer seems to be going well--she got through surgery just fine, and we're just waiting to hear whether it's spread and the next step. The munchkins are also doing fine, as far as I know. Kasie sends me pictures fairly often, including this one, in which their nerdiness is showing.

Mikey and Lizzie, superkids. 

There are points in which I really wish that my brother and I were closer, but we're so different on how we view the world these days, it's hard to even have a conversation with him. He's so closed-minded and bitter, it's hard to even have a conversation with him without wanting to smack him. He resents me living here with mom, he resents the fact that I refuse to build any sort of relationship with our biological father's family, he resents my issues with depression, my job issues, and...pretty much all of my life choices to this point. Meanwhile, while the choices he's made are not necessarily the choices I would have made myself or for him, if he's happy, I'm happy for him. The only thing that really upsets me is his new gun obsession and his need to post all these gun pictures on facebook. I don't like the idea of friggin automatic rifles in the house with the munchkins, not to mention advertising it all over facebook. But...whatever. Not much I can do from Florida while he's in Montana. And I have Cody. Sometimes I want to clobber him, but as far as stepbrothers go, he's the
tops. I just wish he didn't eat all the time always and watch so much Big Bang Theory. I'm really starting to hate that show just from sheer exposure.

Hockey Hockey Hockeyyyyy. I got to go to my first hockey in AGES with the Ritters and Jhanavi. Erica threw me in a Lightning jersey, it was weird, and I had to fight really hard not to yell "Let's Go Blues!" throughout most of the game. Regardless, it was amazing, and I'm super excited to get to a game with Katherine in a couple of weeks.

Jhanavi, Ryan, Thunderbug, Erica, and yours truly.

 
Ok. I need to shove on. But look bloggy-poo, I put pictures up, not to mention gave a pretty decent update on things. BE PROUD.

...I'll try real hard to see you soon. <3 br="">

Back into the swing of things.

It's been a few minutes since I've updated, and I've got plenty to update about, so...let's get to it, shall we?

--I survived my first semester at USF, which is pretty exciting (at least, to me.) I did fairly decently...I ended up with an A+ in lit, an A in spanish, a B+ in cognitive psych, a B in social psych, and a C in stats. (A C that really should be a C+, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't "believe" in the +/- system. How can you not believe in it if it's a real thing? Stupid.) So, I got a 3.3 for the semester, which bumped my cumulative GPA a tad bit. Right now it's hovering right below a 3.1, so as long as I keep on track the next couple of semesters, I should be more than covered for the GPA aspect of getting into grad school. (Most schools are looking for a 3.0 or higher GPA, so while I'll more than likely be on the lower end of that, hopefully I can make it up with decent GRE scores.)

--Going to see Greg in Memphis was absolutely wonderful. We had a lot of low-key fun, since neither of us really oozing excess funds to do a ton of stuff, but it was just wonderful to get to spend time with him again and to meet his family. His parents are adorable and sweet, and we got along great. (This was something I was generally terrified of going into it.) I'm excited to see them again in March. 

--St. Louis was pretty nice as well. To be honest, the combination of all the traveling to and from Memphis and finals kicked my ass from an energy standpoint, so while there were people I should have seen and things I should have done and didn't, I enjoyed my time there. As always, it was awesome to get the chance to spend time with my Katykat...who was pretty much the only person I saw who wasn't family. I'll be better about fitting everyone in next time.  I'm also excited to be THERE in March.

--New Years was a non-event. I had an irish coffee and a Mythbusters marathon while my parents watched Star Wars. Hell, the only one of us that had anything to do was Cody, who went to some band party function with his ladyfriend. So...yay New Years. Whatever. Pretty much since I've left the Lou, it's turned into just another night.

--The semester started Monday, and...it'll be fine. Another semester of too much studying and wearing out my brain. Yanno. Things I've gotten used to. (I'm trying to muster enthuasium, and right now I'm worn out from the four hours of homework I just finished.)


...this is intensely condensed and scrimped on the details, mostly because I'm tired and my brain is jelly. I'll put some face time soon and actually expand upon my life, but...for those of you that keep track of my shenanigans via this blog, update. It happened. ;)

<3 br="br">

Update.

I have a million and one things that I should be doing right now, but I'm in a post- lo mein coma, so any attempts to keep studying would be fairly fruitless. Thus, I will take twenty minutes, blather an update, and then make more coffee.

Two weeks from today, I will be on my merry way to Memphis to see Greg.  I keep having to pinch myself, to make sure this is actually happening. Things have been going really well since our reconnection post-Amy, and with that particular situation handled on MY terms, I feel confident moving forward. Lots of future plans. He is considering me when making his future educational/vocational plans, and even asking my opinions. We've come a long way. He's considering grad school right here, in the lovely state of Florida, which..I can't tell you how happy that would make me. (The only thing that would be better would be us together, back in the Lou. We both miss it terribly.)

I'll spend a week in Memphis, come home, repack my suitcase, spend a quick minute with the Chewster and then make the trek with mama to the Lou for a weekish there for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to this in a different way. I'm excited to spend time with the grandparents, I'm excited to see KT, Schubs, Garrett, Boston--whoever I end up seeing.  I'm excited to be able to be back in my city--to know where I'm going with confidence, to be able to go to my old favorite places, with people who are like-minded and wonderful.


HOWEVER.

Before I get to do anything fun, I have to survive the next two weeks of classes. There's so much to do, and it feels like there's not enough time. I'm me, I don't ever work as fast or as efficiently as I could/should be, because...I don't know. I never have. However, I'm trying to stay on top of things best I can. I've got papers, tests, reading, studying, note taking, the whole nine yards. I feel like all this stuff kinda just...poof! appeared, and now I'm blowing my brains out to stay afloat. However, you and I know the truth, humble blog readers--I'm lazy. I found myself engaging in a couple of behaviors over the course of this semester that always get me into trouble--mostly, not staying motivated, and not going to class.

It's a frustrating feeling to know that while, yes, I'm blowing my brains out now trying to stay caught up because of all the classes I've missed over the past month or so due to...whatever you want to call it (I'm sure some people will call it depression, I would call it general worn-out-ed-ness/laziness)...I'm still doing fairly well in basically all of my classes. I have a 100% in my lit class, an A in spanish, B's in cognitive and social psych, and a C that can be bumped to a B in stats if I do well on this next test. In other words, kids, be like me...skip a bunch of classes, do the work at home in your jammies, and still do just as well as those fools that roll out of bed and go to class every day. *wink*

This is part of the reason why I made an effort to take classes online next semester--and the classes I do have to be on campus for are in the afternoon. I'm stuck in this night-owl space--I might as well embrace it and be able to do homework at 3AM without dealing with the punishment of having to roll out of bed in 3 hours to go attempt to stay awake through class.

There's so much more I could write about, but I actually should get some stuff done. I'll try to be better about writing. (Especially over Christmas break--I'm sure I'll have some fun stories from my travels!)

<3 br="br">

Great Expectations.

No, I'm not talking about the novel. Dear lord, I'm not THAT pretentious. (yet.)

So, school hath started. I find myself struggling in a few ways with it...mostly in that my great expectations (see? see what I did there? xD) haven't exactly been met.

I don't particularly know WHAT my expectations were, to be honest. I don't know if I expected to find a group of like-minded people to spend time with. I don't know if I expected to roll in there and be intelligent and experienced enough to not have to work. (Which in itself sounds pretentious, but...to be frank, this has been the case in most of my academic career.) That I would begin to feel confident and useful in my endeavors again. I think these were hopes, not expectations.

Well, whatever they were, they're pretty unfulfilled at this point.

That's not to say that my experience thus far has been completely miserable. It's been fine. I go to class, I take my notes, I leave. I do my homework, blow my brains out trying to keep up with intense amounts of reading in five classes, work my twenty five hours, and do laundry on Sundays.

I just...I don't know. My heart's not in it.

I feel like Jane Goodall observing the apes when I'm on campus. I look around and just feel completely isolated from the people there. I feel like I would enjoy getting to know someone, anyone, but...I've forgotten how to speak their language. I've forgotten how the hell these people interact....if I ever really knew in the first place. Given my track record, I haven't really made many friends from college, exclusively. (I actually can only think of two people.) Most of my friends I've made in other settings. I don't know what this means, aside from my not being extremely social in general on campuses.

But it's not even just that...I've tried connecting with people, and somehow, someway, I'm OLD. How the hell did that happen?! I'm fucking 25. The only person who has talked to me past conversation one and remembers who the hell I am is a middle aged lady finishing her degree because her children are now grown and she has time. Like...seriously? Am I that out of touch in a year that I don't know how to communicate with these people?!

I understand that the majority of them are 19, 20. But I have friends that are that age, and I interact and connect with them just fine. And on one hand, I'm almost sort of flattered that I'm too "mature" for them. I'm a grownup, in ways that they're not. At the same time...feeling like a social outcast because of it is unfortunate and awkward.

I also wonder how much of it is a regional cultural thing. I mean...straight up, I'm different than the majority of people attending school there. I'm from out of state. I'm older than your typical undergrad. I don't have a lot of the previous ties that bring those kids together. I'm also just...different. I've always been different, in that "air quotes" kind of way, which is usually synonymous with weird, freak, outsider...blah blah blah. High school I had very few *real* friends...mostly groups that I just sort of...awkwardly existed on the fringe of. I realize that I don't *look* like your typical 25 year old, that I don't have a lot of the same interests, beliefs...I don't know. I just feel uncomfortable being there, which is stupid, because in reality, it's not like I'm being tortured or teased or anything of the sort...I don't know.

It's me. For all I know, it's all in my head, and it's perfectly normal, and I'm just weirded out because it's new and foreign.



Whatever. I have to get ready for class. woo.

Mini-rant.

You've seen them, dear reader. On the facebooks.

That picture. It's cancer-girl. Soldier-dad. It's that "uplifting" quote in shitty cursive writing on a floral background. Maybe it's even Jesus.

Then you're supposed to "like" it if you "have a heart" "support the troops" "think bald is beautiful" "Are a good Christian."

Here's my issue with this.

CLICKING LIKE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

You want to support cancer-girl? Donate to cancer research. Volunteer at your local hospital. Think soldiers are awesome? Volunteer at a Veteran's hospital. Support the Wounded Warrior Project.

Last I checked, Jesus didn't give a shit WHAT you clicked on Facebook. He spoke of doing Good Works and taking care of mankind, not clicking a picture of a mountain that says "SERVE HIM OR GO TO HELL" on it.

These posts irritate me more than anything else on the internet. Don't clutter Facebook with these images that are supposed to induce guilt and all that. Take that energy and that intent and use it to do something positive. Something concrete. Something useful.

What a lovely shade of apathy.

So, it's been three months since I've posted anything here. It's not necessarily for lack of trying...apparently I've started half a dozen or so entries, and just quit halfway through. (I just cleaned out a bunch of drafts.) I have a hard time sitting down and trying to write when more and more I feel as though I have nothing to say.

I've been down here a year. Well, now almost 14 months. I don't know how to feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about it. Florida still feels like a new album to me...I haven't given it enough listens yet to really make a decision, but so far...I'm not impressed. Which is concerning. However. It's also very much my own fault. I've made little to no effort in getting out and experiencing the world around me.

I've spent the last 14 months trying to convince everyone that I'm sane, that my depression and crazy is behind me, finally, and that I've beat my own mental demons into submission. The truth is, I ALWAYS think that this time is *the* time, this is the point in which I give up being crazy and realize that Thoreau is right, that it's time to lead my life of quiet desperation and accept that I'll go to the grave with song and fight still in me...that it's time to give up and just accept adulthood for the quiet, soul sucking misadventure that it isn't. I'm not sure where I stand on the mental health front. I go to work, I do the things I'm supposed to do...I've carefully constructed a world in which very little is required of me. I've spent so much time and effort putting forth the appearance of being and seeming normal, that maybe it's just become habit to the point where it worked. Maybe sanity, for my sake, is just the ability to run on auto-pilot and convince myself it works. Then again...maybe I lose my shit in another year. You never know.

 IAG has strangely been in my thoughts a lot as of the past few days. Facebook and the like has made it easier to keep a loose grip on those people and their general whereabouts and the like these days. I find myself getting really angry these days at Craig. It's really easy to cast the blame of my situation on him. If he hadn't closed the store, I'd still be in the Lou. I'd still be there. I'd have my financial independence, my physical and emotional independence. I'd go to one of those schools and finish up my degree there, and still be able to have a social life. It's so easy to cast the blame of my whole situation on him. However, this is real life, and real life is never that fucking simple. I think part of the reason why IAG has popped into my head is because of my realization that I don't want to be a barista. I don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I'm stuck, because when you've spent the last 8 years of your life doing something, and you're not qualified or certified to do anything else...you're stuck. I want out of this job. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm trapped in this weird world where I'm forced to take orders and do the bitchwork for people in management who are less qualified to be there. Frankly, it's disheartening to take orders from an apathetic 21 year old. It's disheartening to have a lazy 17 year old as a work peer. It's hard to watch yet another business fail, knowing that I have the tools to make it run more smoothly, and maybe even save it from its inevitable demise. My ability to care seems to be stuck in a mode of absolutes--I absolutely care, or I absolutely don't. It varies from day to day, but I can't seem to get it to be some healthy shade of gray. (hurr hurr.)

 I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm just genetically dispositioned to have a dark and cynical outlook....such an outlook often goes hand in hand with superior intellect. Which is disappointing, but also seems to make sense. With a better understanding of the world and how it works comes a better, more obvious view of its faults. I wonder if this knowledge will bring me to some tragic, exciting demise down the road. Probably not. This is probably not the best image to project after falling off the blogging map for as long as I did. Things are probably not nearly as bleak as they seem here--I'm far too apathetic these days to be this bleak. I'm getting over being sick, which always seems to do a number on my happy chemicals. Things are not as bad as they seem--a new car will be happening soon, the school year will start, I've made a few local friends....things aren't awful.

 All right. I'm tired. It's time for sleep.

The world spins madly on

Oh haaaai. I didn't necessarily forget about this...it's just my computer has been progressively annoying, and the idea of trying to write anything via my phone seems exceedingly painful. (I'm not sure why, it just does.) Anyway, my computer seems to be having a moment in which two programs can run at the same time without wanting to explode, so let's do a quick update, shall we?

1.) New job. Yup. Finally free from the law school...well, after next week. (I'm me, and thus, always try to give two weeks' notice...because you never know.) Buuuuut...new job is a coffee/smoothie kiosk in a local hospital. It reminds me a bit of Wehrles and AttB, in that you're there generally alone, there's not necessarily a lot to do...buuuut I don't have to make sandwiches or stock soda coolers or listen to the insane racist-ignorant ramblings of annoying co-workers. I'm hoping it works out.

2.)School! I got accepted to USF and have orientation in a couple of weeks. There, I will get to sign up for classes and get acclimated with the campus and blah blah blah...then classes start in August, at some point. (I could actually go look up the date, but you care about as much as I do at this point.) Point being: school. happening. FINALLY. I'm so friggin excited.

3.)Housing. I'm moving in with Mom and Dave at the end of May. This is mostly a money thing--neither mom or I can really afford the rent that Paul needs right now, so...why do it? Plus, this saves me money on gas, and just...overall makes things easier, since I'm there all the time anyway. Plus...it'll just be good for my sanity. As much as I adore Paul, he makes me crazy more often than not.

4.) Boys. There's nothing particularly new to report with this topic, aside from the fact that I made one attempt at online dating, went out with a kid who turned out to be a clingy wackjob, and then pretty much haven't been on there since. ...Honestly? I'm not quite ready, mentally, to give up on Greg. I know I have a snowball's chance in hell, but I'm still kind of processing all of it. We know me...I like to think things to death, and this is no exception. He and I have made a few attempts at small talk. Found out that he didn't get his portfolio together in time to start grad school, still jobless, things with homegirl didn't work out, and that overall, things aren't particularly great. But...his problems are no longer my problems. Which, in a weird way, is a relief. I miss him, mostly in that I miss talking to him about pointless, daily shit. There were days that he was literally the only person I talked to, and well...to have that go away is strange. But at the same time, things will never be the same between us. There are walls and boundaries that have to happen...to protect my stupid heart from making the same stupid mistakes. Regardless. I still miss him, because I'm still a stupid girl. I accept this.

5.)The Lou. I went to the Lou for spring break, which was...a lot of things. I had a lot of fun, at the same time, it was strange and hard. I understood that not everyone was going to drop everything to see me, but there were a few people I wish I could have seen and didn't. There were people I wish I could have spent more time with. However, I was definitely happy to see and reconnect with the people I did. St. Louis will always be home to me, no negotiations there. There were some rough patches, especially concerning Laura and our policy of loving-yet-blunt honesty, but...overall, things were good. I also had a driving buddy on the way back, in the form of Chewie, who is adjusting to his new home quite nicely.

6.)Human contact. Bean and his lady were in town a couple of weeks ago, and we hung out a few times. It was actually really awesome to see him again--we hadn't spent time together literally since high school. Stephie and Gregg are in town this weekend, and we went bowling this evening, which was fun. (I'm sure I'll see her again for coffee chats.) She'll also be in town in July, and be crashing with me. Katie's planning a visit at some point in the somewhat nearish future, and hopefully Kayra will pop back down here over the summer. I occasionally hang out with Dana, but she's busy with school currently. Mostly, I just keep to myself, hang out with the animals and my mama. It's not a bad existence. I don't hate it. I'm quite used to it at this point. I've also been quite horrendously awful about making phone calls and e-mails happen, but my plan is to work on that after next week. Going down to a part time work schedule means I'll have more time to make things like that happen. Which is exciting.


So...that's my life in a nutshell, and I've bored myself into a wanting-sleep-coma. Hopefully that hasn't happened for you, faithful audience. I will try and be more diligent (and exciting) in my posts, but...until then, live long and prosper. ;)

I guess I've put this off long enough.

...I feel like I'm stuck in some universe in which I am constantly being punk'd. Where...I don't even know anymore. I just find myself looking up at the heavens, throwing my hands up in the air, shaking my head and laughing....in that awkward, frustrated "I'm laughing to keep from crying" sort of laughter.

Let me go on record as to saying that I hate facebook. I hate boys and facebook. I hate boys with no spine, and facebook.

You do not tell someone that you're in a psuedo-relationship with that you're actually dating someone else via facebook. And not even directly on facebook....just a relationship status update.

Holy crap.

I've been trying to process this for over two weeks now, and in all honesty, I'm good. I'm livid, I'm heartbroken, I'm upset, but....I'm good. I did not do the things that people expected of me, like the following:

a)Go batshit fucking crazy depressed suicidal.
b)Go batshit fucking crazy angry threatening his life.
c)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something drastic, like drive up there.
d)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something ruin-his-life evil.

I think most people expected a. And I've had some of my friends wish for b and d. But...I just can't bring myself to...not necessarily *care* that much, because I do care, but...what does it accomplish? Not a damn thing, aside from making me look insane. Of which I have spent the last eight or so months trying to convince the world that I'm NOT. Thus.

I don't know what to say to him. I did not expect him to text me out of the blue, after not hearing from him for so long. I also did not expect to text about Bonaroo, like everything is find and dandy. ...Are you KIDDING ME?! I didn't know what to say. Hell, I was so flabbergasted and cracked out on Nyquil that I almost responded.

...

And now, my mom keeps pushing online dating and the whole boyfriend thing. Which would be a solution for some people. We've tried this. I generally loathe it and it accomplishes nothing for me but a free meal (or cup of coffee) and someone's number in my phone who I forget who they are about two weeks later. I've never had that situation work out. I'm never who they seem to think I'll be, in that...well, I'm me. I'm awkward the first time around. I either come off as super bitchy and egotistical, or so goofy that I leave you wondering if I have mild mental retardation, or so painfully shy that you're almost certain I have mild mental retardation. (When in all reality, I'm somewhere in between these three.) I just...no. I contemplated it for about two days, and then mentally put my foot down. No, nein, nyet, no.

That, on top of the fact that I live at a job I despise, and I've been massively sick the past couple of days...ugh. Plus, what down time I do have I waste. I'm beginning to wonder when the time comes and I do have to be social, if I'm even going to remember how to do it. I mean...crimany. All I do is Netflix, internet, read, write, or videogame. and well...with my computer being as craptastic as it is, writing and internet-ing have been less and less. I don't want to tell you how many seasons of American Dad I've watched in the past three days. It's embarrassing.

Things will get better, and I need to get out of this rut. So. Over spring break, I'm going to St. Louis and reconnecting with my life there. I haven't decided if this will help anything *here* per se, but...I just know at this point, I need some massive coffee-conversations with someone who knows who the friggin Fleet Foxes are.
I feel as though this isn't too much to ask. But apparently it is, because I have to drive to St. Louis to get it.

...

I just keep telling myself that things will get better. I've never had this problem with making friends before...but then again, I've always had built-in ways to make friends, like school and work. And while I have a job...I don't particularly want to get involved in all that. I just keep praying that school will make things easier...or at the very least, even if I don't get friends out of it, that I will at least get enough to do to where I can feel productive and not so incredibly loser-y.

...
I know there's got to be at least one person in this friggin city who will accept my willing friendship. One.

Ugh. I'm taking some nyquil and going to sleep. I'm putting another day out of its misery.

2012.

First of all, I'm not dead. Promise.

Second of all, holy crap. K's Choice covering Radiohead. I may or may not have jizzed in my pants. Straight up. Amazing.

Third of all, I really hate folding and putting away laundry. It took me forever to figure out my random aversion to this. I'm going to blame it on working at HT. Folding band t-shirts is a little too close for home with that.

Ok. An update. Where did we last leave off?

Christmas was fine. Got my PS3, which is all I asked for. Thus. Was happy. I've been gaming a lot more, partly due to the PS3 and partly because I have no social life, so...I gotta waste my time doing something when I'm not working.

New Years was...New Years. A bottle of wine and a dance party by myself. Talked to the boy for a bit.

Laura came to visit for a few days, which was awesome, minus the fact that she had this awful cold that kicked her ass. Which kinda worked for us in a weird way, in that neither of us are really "going out and doing a bunch of shit" kind of people. We spent too much time at various coffee shops, bullshittting around. We went to the beach several times and wandered. We also skyped with the boy, which was quite entertaining for me. They get along quite well, which makes me happy. So far, all of my friends that have spent time with Greg like him, and vice versa. It's a pleasant change from some of the boys I've dated in the past who didn't always get along with my friends.

Work is...work. I go in, I quietly hate my life, do my job, go home. I keep crabbing about it, but honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I really need to stick this one out for awhile. I'm not one to jump from job to job, and yet I feel like that's all I've done since IAG closed. Hence why I'm waiting on so many friggin w-2s. I just wanna file my durn taxes, fools.

The boy and I are...fine? I suppose. I barely hear from him these days, because of the whole "full class load plus getting grad school portfolio together" thing. Which about 98 percent of the time, I'm totally cool with. I GET it. You're busy, and well...you're busy with things that are really effin' important. The other 2 percent of me is pouting like a girl and wishing he'd talk to me more. I miss him. Which is severely annoying, in that I hate having mushy-girl feelings. They kinda grode me out. :P So far, we're still planning on having me come up for his spring break. There's been some talk that he might be held up with school, which makes me want to punch him, but...I'm still planning on booking my ticket until he tells me absolutely not to. (and he better fucking not, or I will seriously throw down over it.)

Since Greg's sorta off the radar and everyone is busy with school, work, and other life-type things, I've been pretty unsocial. I spend a lot of time frowning at my phone, willing someone to call or text me...and yet I keep missing phone calls and forgetting to return them until...well, 3AM, when no one else is really up and feeling chatty-tastic. So. I'm failing at this whole "being a good friend" thing right now. I'm not sure how to fix it, but...I'm trying to muster up the energy to wanna do the phone thing. (Do we know that I actually despise talking on the phone, and thus, it actually does take energy?)

...

Have I talked about Ivan at all?
Holy jeez...I don't think I have. Eek. I'm a bad mama.

IVAN!


So, about a month ago, Mom and I did some stalking online and found out that Britta's brother Ivan was still up for adoption. (Note: Britta and Ivan are rescue dogs. They're from the same litter and were found roaming the streets together.) Mom, Dave, and I talked about it, and decided that we could handle adopting him as well. Which, in retrospect, is hilarious to me, because Ivan is so well-behaved, he seems like the dog we got first, while Britta is still wild and spastic. Anyway. I'm not particularly sure *why*, but while Ivan loves everyone (because he's a big sweetheart), he has claimed me...to the point where he gets pissy when I even pet Britta. He doesn't share well. lol. But the dogs are reunited, and now we're up to our elbows in puppylove.



All right. I honestly am not particularly in the mood to write anything, I just realized I hadn't updated in forever and a day, and thus, figured I should. I'm planning on doing more music posts soon, now that my iTunes is fixed and I need to actually finish up these packages for people that I've been working on since November. (The more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually kinda suck at this whole long distance friend thing. lol.)

Anyway. I'm going to bed now. G'night world.

Something a little different....

I've been meaning to do a music post for awhile, I just haven't particularly been inspired. But. In working on mixes for Greg, KT, and Booshy, I've actually had a TON of fun getting back into the good ol' fashioned theme mix and just delving into my music collection.

So, one of the mixes I put together for the boy actually started out as a joke, and moved randomly into super serious and thoughtful territory. We had a conversation making fun of Tom Delonge and his elitist and ridiculous musical side project, Angels and Airwaves. The album came with a note on the inside telling the listener that the album was meant to be played in a dark room, with one candle burning. Which is ridiculous. I mean...I've done things like this, but I don't particularly want my rock stars telling me how to listen to their music. Shut up, let me discover it on my own.

I wanted to make a snarky mix playing on that idea: the elitist "play by candle light from a light house" mix. I'm not necessarily a candle light kind of girl, but I understood the sentiment: your contemplative place. For me, this is definitely my car. I cannot, and don't particularly want to think about, how many nights and how many miles I've driven, chainsmoking and listening to music while thinking about...whatever. I just kept thinking about how, as awkward and misguided as Tom was in throwing this statement in with the album...his intentions were good. So as I built this playlist, it went from snarky to serious as I spent too much time thinking about this idea.

First of all, here's a link to download it: http://www.mediafire.com/?4yk9gdo1n77z9gz
That will make the rest of this make more sense...not to mention, actually worth your time in reading this.

Here is the suggested track list/commentary/fun facts.

1.)What Ever Happened--the Strokes
I don't know what it is about this song, but I've started so many mixes for my car with it. The first ten seconds are amazing...not to mention the rest of the song. There's just this intense build up to this explosion of emotion, so when the first lines I want to be forgotten and I don't want to be reminded happen, you stop and you listen and you want to know more. I get sucked into this song every time I listen to it.


2.)Gravity Rides Everything--Modest Mouse
The Moon and Antarctica is my favorite Modest Mouse album, and this song is a large aspect into why. This album is more melodic, slower, a bit more acoustic and melancholy. With MM, I often find myself drifting in and out with the lyrics--it's hard to follow them, because they're abstract and all over the place, but there are these one-liners that are punctuated, they catch you, and they stick with you. It all will fall, fall right into place is more than a call-and-answer style chorus, it's a plea, as if the lead singer is trying to convince the listener as well as himself that this is true.

3.)Evaporated--Ben Folds Five
Ok. So, we're friends. And that means you know about my Ben Folds obsession. This song. Out of all the songs and musical things that Ben has touched, this is my favorite. I can't explain why. It just is. This song reduces me to a puddle of emotions and brainwaves every single time I hear it. This isn't a famous Ben song, so I never expected to ever get to see it played live, but the last time I saw him, he did it. I cried. Like a bitch. Becky looked at me like I was insane, as well as strangers around me, but I couldn't have cared less. My life is a little more complete in hearing him perform that song live, because when he sings I poured my heart out, I believe him.

4.)San Franciso--Brett Dennen
First of all, Brett Dennen is adorable. One of those ginger boys who is kinda awkward, but who cares, because he has an amazing friggin voice. This song is cutesy, with a tinge of melancholy to it. He tells the listener all these wonderful plans he has for his life, but...he's alone. He paints a picture within the lyrics--you can picture the city, his little home he builds, the little life he leads. You can read into it on several levels, which I like.

5.)Motorcycle Drive By--Third Eye Blind
All you suckers who are sitting there going, "Third Eye Blind? Really? Burgs. How friggin 90s of you" can just shut up right now. First of all, this is not radio 3eb. This song, when listened to correctly, is an emotional roller coaster. By the time the whole band kicks in about two and a half minutes in, your heart soars along with the music. Stephen Jenkins' screechy, haggard delivery of the lines I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive tug at your heart, and you understand. Completely. Wholly.

6.)My Wandering Days are Over--Belle & Sebastian
Belle & Sebastian are wonderful. They have this quirky style of song writing that sounds child-like, and yet is very wise. This song is self-contemplative, and I don't know a person who hasn't at some point during their existence who hasn't struggled with the idea of life's adventures being behind them. Y' know my wandering days are over/Does that mean that I'm getting boring?/You tell me/I'm tired of listening to myself... But despite this deep lyrical beginning, you're still bopping along to the beat and you still leave the song smiling.

7.)The Rain Song--Led Zeppelin
Robert Plant did an interview in which he said that his favorite vocal performance of his was "The Rain Song", and I agree, wholeheartedly. This is a slower Zeppelin song, with their amazing guitar work layered with strings that give you chills. It's a fairly long song by today's standards (about 7 and a half minutes), but this is fairly par of the course for these kids. There's a wonderful instrumental buildup, and by the time the drums and bass kick in full-fledged, Plant's wailing I've felt the coldness of my winter/I never thought it would ever go./I cursed the gloom that set upon us...But I know that I love you so on top of the instruments soaring away...gives me chills. Every time.

8.)Flip!--Apollo Sunshine
All right. So far in our musical journey, we've been a bit on the mellow, quiet contemplation side of things. Now it's time to rock out. I love these kids, and this song is just a great rock song. It's one of those songs that I love to listen to, and just hone in on a single aspect. The vocals are spot on, the guitars are interesting, the drum work is awesome and fun, and I can keep going but you get the idea.

9.)Bohemian Like You--The Dandy Warhols
Anyone who has received a mix from me in the last two years or ridden with me in Chuck has heard this song. I. Love. It. This song is so much fun. This is one of those "windows down, driving into the desert, feeling like a complete badass hero moment before the credits roll" kind of songs. The distortion in the guitar gives this song a grit that adds another level to the snarkiness of the lyrics, and the vocalist has this ability to deliver lyrics in such a dry manner. This song embodies the hipster ideal in such a unique way, and yet...most hipsters wouldn't admit to liking it.

10.)Kiss Off--The Matches
This is a live cover of the Violent Femmes. Who, first of all, are not a band easily covered. Their lyrical delivery is so incredibly off-beat and quirky, and it's a hard style to emulate and make your own. However, Shawn Harris seems like a really obvious choice, at least to me. I think it's a really interesting cover that manages to encompass everything about both VF and the Matches. It's a fun listen.

11.)Somebody More Like You--Nickel Creek
I have this strange love for bluegrass, and Nickel Creek were contemporary bluegrass darlings in the early 2000s. They've since disbanded, which is very sad. However. This song....out of all of their catalogue, I'm not particularly sure *why* it is one of my favorites. The thing I love about these kids is their vocal harmony. I dig a male-female harmony, and they have a great blend and tonality. This song has a simple melody-counter melody thing going on, which is echoed on guitar (...or it's a banjo. I can't tell offhand, and I'm too lazy to go a-hunting currently) in the verses. This is one of those songs that I will listen to on repeat ad nauseum...not only for the instrumentation and timbre notes previously mentioned, but lyrically...it's friggin HARSH. I like the juxtaposition. While Nickel Creek does a ton of traditional bluegrass numbers, this isn't one of them. Traditional bluegrass does not have cutting lyrics like I hope you find someone your height so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.

12.)White Winter Hymnal--Fleet Foxes
Oh. Em. Gee. Speaking of vocal harmonies being awesome. What up, Fleet Foxes. This is one of those bands that I haven't had the chance to see live, but would kill to. (*hint*) This song is one of those songs that every time I listen to it, I get this image of my head of driving through the mountains in Tennessee during sunrise, the promise of a new day and the open road stretched before me. Which is SO incredibly cheesy. However. I played this album driving down to Florida while we were in Tennessee (after Nashville, where Ben Folds happened) and it was a strangely religious experience. I highly recommend it.

13.)Thirteen--Ben Kweller
Ben...yet another Ben who I love. Mr. Kweller has an amazingly clear and beautiful voice, and has songs that are simple, earnest, and beautiful. This is one of those songs that you can listen to a million times and find something new to love about it, every single time.

14.)Drive All Over Town--Elliott Smith
Elliott Smith. Um. What is there to say about any song from Elliott? Lyrics, amazing. Guitars, amazing. Vocal delivery...there is no one who has a voice quite like Elliott. Elliott Smith is sort of my go-to contemplative driving music. His lyrics are sharp, intelligent, and that somehow manage to paint you a picture of exactly the scene and emotions he's conveying, while having a level of ambiguity that lets the listener interpret the song in a multitude of ways. Which is a talent that a lot of songwriters lack. I miss you, Elliott.

15.)Perfect Day--Lou Reed
...The bass buildup to the chorus makes this song for me. Not to mention Lou Reed is a friggin badass. This is one of those songs that if someone were to dedicate it to you and really mean it...it would change your life.

16.)Northern Downpour-Panic At the Disco
PATD has this way of delivering amazingly witty, intelligent lyrics with interesting instrumentation. This song is one of the best examples in their catalogue to show this off. There are so many one liners that you can spend hours interpreting and pondering.Example:I know the world's a broken bone,
But melt your headaches, call it home. Holy balls. Repeat this line to ten people, you'd get ten different-yet-valid analysis of it. [This is one of those lines that I would get tattooed on my person, and have contemplated it at much length, actually.]

17.)Hold On--Tom Waits
Tom Waits has this voice that sounds like it's been tarred and feathered, then lit on fire and covered in dirt...and yet has this intense soul and heart behind it. It feels like covering up in a giant wool blanket--heavy, comforting, and warm, but itchy. You have to spend some time cuddled under this blanket before the itch goes away, and you're completely comfortable and warm. It takes time to get completely comfortable with Tom's vocal stylings, but once you do, it's worth it. The lyrical journeys and wisdom found in Tom's songs....you can tell, this man has LIVED, and is just trying to pass his experiences onto whoever will listen.

18.)Playground Love--Air
Air is a French band. They do a lot of interesting trip-hop/dreamscape inspired instrumentals, and thus end up doing a lot of soundtrack work. They were asked to do the score and soundtrack for the film adaptation of The Virgin Suicides, and this song is from that soundtrack. First of all, this song is probably one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard, in the way that only trip-hop and sexy horn solos can be. The lyrics are sweet but dark, and his vocals are delivered perfectly to leave the sweet/dark ratio up to the listener. I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor/Love is all, all my soul/You're my playground love. There's a tinge of seduction, manipulation, but at the core, you want to believe this is just a sweet song depicting that intense high school romance.

19.)Lilac Wine--Jeff Buckley
If God took voice lessons, I'm convinced he'd take them from Jeff Buckley. His vibrato makes my knees weak. I believe this is actually a cover of an old old old jazz song that was actually performed by a woman (whose name is escaping me at the moment), but Jeff takes this song and makes it his own. Completely. It feels improvised, like this is his state of being at that moment. You feel like you're almost interrupting an intimate moment of self realization and contemplation by listening in. There's this amazing guitar chord resolution that happens underneath his vocals before the drums and bass kick in that gives me chills. This song reminds me of driving home after spending time with that person that you're infatuated with. You're floating, happy, tired, yet couldn't possibly think of sleeping. You've been up all night talking of silly, romantic things. You're going over every detail of the evening: the conversations, the touches, the facial expressions, just trying to imprint it all in your memory forever.

It's been a minute. Sorry about that.

Update: No longer working at AttB. Lost that job. Found another job, working for Sodexo, a food service company that works for colleges, hospitals, and all that junk. I'm working in the coffee shop, but...in all honesty, not really making much coffee. Mostly just warming up sammiches and selling RedBull. *sigh*

I'm working full time, making more money an hour than I ever have, but...it's hard realizing that no one I work with particularly cares about the quality of coffee that we're selling...or that the students really don't give a shit either, aside from the drink having caffeine in it. *sigh* I feel like since IAG, I've slowly wandered away from the reason I fell in love with barista-work: making quality beverages. but. *sigh*

Losing my job at the bean screwed my money situation. I had to dip into my New Year's fund in order to pay bills, so...Greg n Burgs aren't going to be together for New years, which sucks. This on top of him being super busy with work and finals...it's been hard. I haven't heard from him much for the past week or so, and it's been mostly short bullshit conversations. I don't know. Things will be fine, I have faith in that. It's just rough right now.

I've been insanely homesick as of late. The longer I'm here, the more I realize that I don't particularly fit in here. Not to sound egotistical and elitist, but...the people I've met here that are around my age are just...uneducated. Uncultured. In talking to Laura on the phone last night, we randomly got on the topic of political utopias. I can't imagine having that conversation with anyone that I've met here thusfar. I don't know. I just feel out of place.

So. I guess things have been worse, but things have been better. That's about it. I can't focus right now, so I think I'mma crash for the evening.

Reasons.

Things happen for a reason.

Example: Once upon a time, there was a cute barista working at a coffee shop. She loved this job, but occasionally she got frustrated with it. There was a customer, an old man who said several inappropriate things to this cute barista. When she tried to talk to her boss and owner about the situation and explain that she was uncomfortable, the owner made the snide remark, "Work it for tips."

This angered the cute barista.

The barista loved her job, but did not want to work for a skeez-ball like the owner, and began looking for another job. She wandered into a mall, wandered into a Retail Establishment, and asked the manager if they were hiring. Turns out they were looking for seasonal help. She filled out an application, thinking maybe that spending less time at the coffee shop might help her, at least til she could find something full time.

She was hired at this particular retail establishment and soon after began her training. It was during this training that a lovely boy ran into the back office, interrupting the manager's droning speech about customer service. The cute barista and the lovely boy exchanged names and he made a joke that made her laugh. She liked him immediately.

The barista and the boy clicked, and the more they chatted, the more they grew to enjoy each other's company. One day this lovely boy asked her how she felt about a band. She had heard this band some, but hadn't given them a lot of time. She told him this, and he lent her a book that accompanied an album to read on a trip. This book and album gave her something to talk about with her ex-stepdad's girlfriend on this trip, thus making her look like the dutiful and wonderful daughter she always strived to be. This book also helped this girl to realize that she really liked this band, and upon her return, she downloaded the rest of their catalog, and listened incessantly.

However, this barista was not cut out for retail. She also realized that this cute boy had a fiance, and that she was in danger of getting far too emotionally attached. So, she put in her two weeks at this Retail Establishment and decided to focus on the coffee shop again. She tried to put distance between herself and the lovely boy, but it was hard, as they enjoyed each other's company. He'd come visit her at work. He asked her to spend time with him. She'd occasionally oblige, but tried her best to keep her distance and not ruin things.

Everything was fine until the manager of the coffee shop announced to her that the shop would be closing in a week. The cute barista was at a loss. This was her second home, her second family. What would she do? Where would she go?

The coffee shop closed, and the lovely boy was there on the last day, hugging her while she cried and pondered her future. The lovely boy was proving to be a good friend, someone who cared about her a lot.

Things got worse for the cute barista, as she lost her job, then her apartment, and then her mind. The lovely boy was never far away, checking in on her, making sure she was ok, and making her smile.

Things were hard for the cute barista and the Lovely boy. There were feelings there, feelings that couldn't be acted upon because of the Fiance. And while they both tried to deny it, things came to a head one New Years Eve, and the cute barista found herself in a tricky position. She didn't want to make this boy's life any more difficult than it already was, but at the same time, it killed her inside to watch him try and make things work with the Fiance when it was painfully obvious that they were not a good match. It made the cute barista sad.

The cute barista eventually found another job in another coffee shop. However, this *other* coffee shop was vastly different from her previous shop, and she hated it. After one particularly rough shift, the cute barista called her Mother crying.

"Mother, I cannot take any more of this. I'm miserable. I'm broke, losing my apartment and working a job I cannot stand. I'm unhappy with my position in life."

Her Mother sat on the phone silent for a second, then uttered the following.

"Maybe, Cute Barista, you should move to Florida. You'd be with me and I would be able to help you fix the things that are making you unhappy."

The cute barista took this suggestion under serious consideration. What was keeping the cute barista in her current town? Not much it seemed. The lovely boy and Fiance would be leaving soon. The cute barista was almost finished with school. She hated her job and needed a home. So, she called Mother back and told her that she would move to Florida, once the semester ended and her degree was obtained.

Things with the cute barista and the lovely boy were strained after the encounter and they did not speak as much. This was not to say that the lovely boy strayed far from her mind, but she also knew that she needed to back off before she messed up the boy's life even more than she already had.

The cute barista left for Florida a couple of months later, and found herself thinking about the boy as she drove through his former place of residence, which he loved so. She talked to him a bit that night, and it made her happy to hear from him.

She arrived in Florida and began trying to rebuild a life. She had a place to live with a Sunshine-filled Roommate. She also focused on rebuilding her mind, which involved lots of Doctors. This annoyed the cute barista, as she was not a fan of Doctors. She often found herself drifting off in thought and thinking about the lovely boy. She missed him a lot, and hoped he was doing well.

A few months later, out of the blue, the lovely boy got in touch with the cute barista. He dropped a news-bomb on her: his relationship with the Fiance was over. He was sad about this, but was also happy, in that he could do the things he wanted to do without having to compromise. This involved talking to the cute barista, as well as other activities.

The cute barista was overjoyed at the reemergence of the lovely boy in her life. This helped her to be happy, and thus helped her to get rid of a few of the Doctors in her life, as well as the Medicines and Therapy they forced her to do. The cute barista and lovely boy have planned several trips to be together, including one on New Years, the anniversary of that first connection.


None of this would have happened, if not for a snide remark and creepy old man's inappropriate behavior.

This case is rested.



[...Oh, and that band the lovely boy suggested to the cute barista? She drove four hours to see them in concert by herself, and they've become one of her music staples.]

"You don't meet nice girls in coffee shops..."

I have a job interview tomorrow with a law school campus coffee shop. I have an interview for a coffee shop that is just opening in Tampa on Wednesday. I'm also planning on going to *another* shop in Madeira Beach and dropping off a resume.

...because I got let go at AttB. Which sucks.

It's amiable. Well...about as amiable as I can be when I'm getting screwed over. But. There are no *real* hard feelings. I know me...I'll probably still roll in there and bug them often, as per everyone's request. I'm going in tomorrow to turn in my key and meet with Taylor. Hopefully, I'll have that bookstore job in the bag by then, and can feel ok about this. It's been one of those weekends where I've gone from crying in bed to smashing things to acceptance of this...all within two minutes.

But. I'm done emotionally reacting and am now in survival mode. (Although I grow weary of having to click into survival mode so often.)

My mom and Greg have both been super awesome at making sure I didn't lose my shit, as well as KT, who has seen me lose my shit so many times she should write a manual in handling me. (It would involve tacos and coffee, I'm sure.)

*sigh*

It may seem irresponsible, but I'm going to go ahead and book the boy's ticket for New Years. Honestly, I contemplated not doing it, but...this is something we both need. Yeah, this isn't a survival "food-water-shelter" kind of need, but moreso a mental health need. We both need a break, and we need to be together, even if it's just for a few days.

I also would like to know where my copy of the Royal Tennenbuams is. Stupid DVD-eating room. Happens every time I clean...I lose things.

Mk. I'm off to go watch movies and enjoy this cloudy day. I'll post an update after interviews, I'm sure.

Money.

It's 3am. Right now I'm so hot, I'm contemplating shaving my head. It's also November 17th. (#firstworldfloridaproblems)

Speaking of first world problems, I'd like to do something I rarely do. (I don't think I've ever done, at least here) and take a second to respond to a blog posty a friend of mine wrote.

This friend of mine is probably one of the smartest, most hard working people I know. She's usually trucking around with two jobs and school, mostly art classes, which I am convinced after being connected with numerous art kids over the years, take way more work and dedication than more traditional non-creative classes. She's in an amazing relationship, lives on her own, is doing what she loves, has a great cuuute dog and apartment and a social life.

Oh, and she's generally broke off her ass.

And then there's me. I have a job, after months of searching. I make just above minimum wage with tips. I pay all of my bills myself, minus the phone bill, which I split with mom, because that's how family plans work, and rent. I don't pay my own rent. I hate this. However, my mother has offered to pay it, because there's no way I could honestly afford it on my own.

Pam wrote a blog about how...well, it's almost impossible to be financially thriving within our generation as twenty-somethings, either finishing up in school or graduated with a degree. We're *surviving*, but not thriving. and there are a lot of kids, like me, who cannot claim their full financial independence. Some of them, like me, dream of being able to do as such. and others...others don't mind the mooching off their parents.

This is something I wish I could understand.

I almost killed myself trying to make it on my own. Literally. Losing my job last year almost killed me, in that I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was working my ass off trying to afford just the bare minimum of bills and rent...and couldn't do it. I slept in my car, just to avoid trying to move back in with my grandparents. I sold some of my stuff to pawn shops and the like, trying to be able to come up with some sort of cushion. During all of this, my depression worsens (how could it not, given these circumstances?) and...well, I end up doing something stupid and going to the psych ward. Which was a pretty hard decision to make, one that I could barely make because of my fear of trying to pay for it.

I thank God every day for Beck and Garrett basically forcing me to go. In looking back, I'm glad I did. Because while it was an awful experience, I needed it. It was the tipping point, and I needed to own the fact that I could not do this on my own. I needed help, on a multitude of planes.

So, why rehash all of this shit that you already know, gentle reader? To prove a point.

I ACTUALLY MADE THE ATTEMPT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT.

Had it not been for IAG closing with such short notice and thus putting life into a pretty shitastic tailspin, I'd probably still be in my little apartment, on my own, struggling but making it back in the Lou.

These kids that are mooching off their parents, still, at my age...I cannot wrap my head around it. For the first time in my working life, I'm letting my mom help me financially in a semi-major way with my rent. This comes after years of lending her money, helping to pay her bills, even when she was states away, of going without to make sure that she was ok. In the divorce, she got rid of a giant financial burden: Bob. For the first time in her life, she is with a partner who understands what it means to LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, and that oh-so-simple concept that the bills get paid, and then the fun happens with whatever is left.

For the first time in a long time, she can actually afford to help me financially, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually afford to *let* her help me financially.

However, I refuse to let this be a forever kind of thing. Because, while I am grateful, every day, that she *understands* me well enough to know that I need some sort of independence and that while I love her, living with her would only make me feel worse about myself and my situation, I also hate the fact that I am a financial burden. She understood how awful living with my grandparents all that time was, not because of the actual living situation (because they're great, despite the little tiffs we had, which happen) but because I felt like such a huge burden on them.

Why do so many people my age not have that? That burden feeling? Why do they feel entitled to have their parents take care of them, still, at my age and beyond?

Which brings me back to shaving my head due to the heat.

Right now, Paul's unemployed, still. It's been almost a year and a half of him trying to find a job in his field. His unemployment benefits are about to run out, so...we're cutting back on a lot. Including air conditioning, which, if you've ever been to Florida, you know is pretty effin important. Hence, why it's 85 degrees in here, and I can't sleep because I'm melting, and I'm sitting here, ranting about financial independence at 4am. But you know what?

I may be melting, but hell, at least I'm living within my means.

Halloween, the 24th edition

No, my blogglings, I didn't forget about you. I've just been a busy girl, in that whole way that I don't do much and yet manage to kill lots of time.

So...updates...updates...

All right.

Update #1: Mama n Dave got a puppy! Her name is Britta, she's a sevenish month old husky/German Shepard mix, and my absolute new favorite thing in life. I love this friggin dog. So. Effin. Much. She's a GIANT spaz, chewing everything and everyone in existence.

How on Earth can you say no to this face?

Update #2: Speaking of pets, Schubs is in the process of downsizing her animal collection, and I'm going to be adopting this little fuzzy bunnyball. Chewie's always been my favorite, and I never thought that I'd be taking in the little guy, but holy jeez, I'm super excited. He's going to be making the trip down to Florida with Katie when she comes to visit. (Of which she will be paid in hugs, my cooking, and sushi.) I'm so excited to have this little guy become part of my little family.


Update #3: The Cardinals won the World Series! Somehow, some way, I got dragged into watching the playoffs and caring about baseball for once. I have a feeling it has something to do with this goofball here.


...speaking of that goofball, things are great. We talk all the time, skype has been really awesome in making him feel a little less far away, and well...I'm working on getting the monies together to trip up to see him as soon as I can. He makes me smile....ok, he makes me grin like a complete doofus. There have been a lot of little things that make feel comfortable and secure in this...whatevership. The connection between us is definitely growing, and I just...I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, aside from the fact that things are good, he's amazing, and I cannot wait to see him, whenever that ends up being.

Update #4: Burgy the Bridesmaid strikes! Stephie, one of my oldest and dearest friends, asked me if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and well...I agreed. She knows me, knows that I will be awkward and goofy and has come to terms with the fact that most of her wedding pictures will have faces and awkwardness like this in them.

But in all honesty...the dress is actually quite pretty. I don't hate it. I just need to get it altered, because it's huge on me.

Update #5: Work is awesome. I love my job. Been there about a month, and well...I'm SO glad to NOT be working at Steam. I'm STILL trying to get this woman to pay me for the two weeks I was there, which is driving me batty. I need that money for a trip to Memphis (or to catch up on my student loans...whichever strikes my fancy)...and well, her deadline of November first is here. If it's not in my mailbox today, I start getting authorities and business codes on her ass. It's been over a month, and well...it doesn't take six weeks to mail a durn check. The end.

Update #6: I've come to a place where I feel like I can comfortably stop going to therapy. It wasn't a decision I came to lightly, and talked about it ad nauseum with my mom and a few close compatriots. For now, I'm going to keep going with the medication, but...honestly, I've been forgetting to take it a lot as of late. oops.

Honestly, I'm happy. I'm a bit lonely at times with my friends being so scattered across the country, but you know what? They still love me, I still love them, and well...there's a reason I'm paying so much for this durn phone, and on the internet, and bought this webcam. I'll make friends when I'm meant to make friends, and that's that.

I have another writing project I've been brainstorming and planning, as well as the merchandising project at work, the photo-collage project I've been trying to get together, and of course, the Great Reorganization, which STILL needs finishing. I've got three or four books I've been reading, practicing poker online, gaming, and playing with the pupster.

All right. It's 2:30 in the morning, I should try and get some sleep...or at least enjoy the fact that there are copious amounts of horror movies on cable, for once. I love Halloween.

I'll be better about writing, promise. :)

mer.

I feel like I need to write. I should write. I want to write.
however, I'm so braindead as of late, I just...I got nothing to say.

So. I'm not dead, just working a lot.
And there's not enough coffee to make me witty right now.
Thus, this is all you get.

Can(not) Complain.

Folding laundry on another Friday night, alone in an empty house, no plans. No one's calling, sporadically texting Katie (as per the usual) when I come across my Cardinals t-shirt. That stupid Cardinals shirt I bought only because Andy gave me so much shit when I'd go to games with him wearing random band shirts. Then my Kingshighway shirt. My Jankity Mug shirt.

Lost it. Totally started bawling.

I gave into the homesickness.

Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.

I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.

I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.

All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.

Dear Lord, FINALLY.

I was beginning to think that I'd never get a job...let alone a job that I actually am excited about. But...here I am.

Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.

Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.

I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.

His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.

This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.

In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.

So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: I have an interview tomorrow at Steam. Steam is a coffee shop that I've been stalking since I got here...right off the beach, has been here for ages, is super cute, indie, and just generally wonderful. THEY FINALLY CALLED. Let's hope they hire me.

Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.

He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.

So. Now what?

Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.

I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.

He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.

There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.

I hate being such a girl sometimes.

So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!