It's a warm Wednesday night. I have a test tomorrow that I really should be studying for, and instead I just had a lovely chat with Lesley and my mum. Both conversations were highly necessary for my sanity, even if it's cut into study-time.
I've been in such a struggle with friendships the past two years. Every time, I get up, dust myself off and keep on going. There were some friendships that were harder than others. In strange ways, I'm still very much in mourning for all of them. You never want someone to leave your life, especially on less-than-stellar terms. I just think that college and this early-20s stage is all about change and growing up, and we've all managed to catch onto this at different points.
Losing Clay will be hard, in the strangest of ways. It will also be easier in a way, because he has already made a point to remove himself from my life. I had backed off to give him space to let him emote what he needed, and I'm wondering in hindsight if this was the best idea. This is the first friendship completely destroyed by a job. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What sadly few people realize is that this isn't just a job to get me through school. This is the career path I'm choosing, and this is a major stepping stone to reach the ultimate goal of owning my own coffee shop. I know that people think this is a weird or stupid goal to have, but in all honesty...they don't know my life. They don't realize how often coffee and conversation has saved my life, or led me to some great epiphany. How much passion I actually have for this. And I think Clay didn't realize it least of all. He wondered why I wasn't calm and low key and well...because I can only cut so much slack for your newness for so long before I develop expectations from you.
I will miss him. I will miss a lot of aspects of our friendship. Even just the dependability of it. We could always count on each other, if nothing else. As usual, I will give myself through the weekend to mourn, and then move forward. I will refuse to be sad, I will refuse to dedicate more time to it, I will refuse to waste my energy on it. I can't.
I've watched as all of my major friendships formed while I've been in St. Louis have been picked off one by one. Now all I'm left with are Laura and the friends I've made from work. I almost find myself wondering if this is sort of a sign from larger powers. If this is a time for me to be refocusing myself, or a time to be out meeting new people. I'm proud of myself for this lately. Granted, meeting Tanji wasn't exactly a choice, and getting to know her hasn't been completely a conscious choice, but even without Laura, you would enjoy her company. She makes you laugh. She's goofy. You also went out with Courtney, knowing you wouldn't know the vast majority of the people in attendance. And you didn't, and while you weren't the life of the party, you left relatively unscathed and...yeah. You stepped out of your comfort zone and then some, Burgs. We were proud of you.
I feel as if I'm reaching a crossroads in life. I keep having this internal struggle with what I want to be, what I believe. I feel as though I am no closer to answers, but just asking questions is a good place to start. But in removing most of these old friendships from my life, a lot of judgment is removed. Which is pretty neat. Laura is one of the few people I know who would never judge me in a mean way. We have way too much mutual respect for that.
I still miss them though.
I'll post a song next time. I really need to get back to studying.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Post #5
I won't have much time, as PK is in the shower, but...
I think I've finally made some really big decisions as to the direction of my life. Putting plans in place now. I need to reach out to the right people, do a bit of research, but...this week has really been eye opening for me in a myriad of ways.
I wish I had the time to explain this, to explain my confusion, my thought process, the whole nine.
Belle and Sebastian helped in a strange way. Music always has a way of becoming relevant at interesting points.
Belle and Sebastian: My Wandering Days Are Over.
http://www.mediafire.com/?1v2jyqlzegl
Much love. <3
I think I've finally made some really big decisions as to the direction of my life. Putting plans in place now. I need to reach out to the right people, do a bit of research, but...this week has really been eye opening for me in a myriad of ways.
I wish I had the time to explain this, to explain my confusion, my thought process, the whole nine.
Belle and Sebastian helped in a strange way. Music always has a way of becoming relevant at interesting points.
Belle and Sebastian: My Wandering Days Are Over.
http://www.mediafire.com/?1v2jyqlzegl
Much love. <3
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Entry Four waits no more.
[I promise to quit with cheesy blog titles.]
I bet you thought I'd forget about this, didn'tcha? Welp, too bad haters.
Once again, I have to apologize about my flakiness in updating this. Trrrust me when I say that I have been *extremely* busy, and just trying to keep my handle on things.
The sun is out! It's WARM. That familiar emotional warmth of sunshine is spreading through my little burgyveins, and for once, I'm beginning to feel all right. [People with various forms of depression often are super affected by the lack of vitamins and serotonin that we collect from sunshine.] I can almost guarantee that the next month will be the happiest I will be all year, just from ODing on sunshine. And that is hella exciting. I love this time of year, where life kicks back in, coats go back in the closet, and we get to pull out the frisbee.
Been dealing with a lot of strange things lately. After a year and a half together, Laura and Caitlin broke up. I've been trying to be there for both of them, keeping two of the few friendships I have in tact, and it's been hard. I understand why it happened, I know it's for the best, but it's been stressful being around to watch Laura act out [per se] and Caitlin break down.
My parents have officially signed the divorce papers, and to be honest, this is one situation that I really am cool with. My mom needs this, she needs to man up and be a strong independent sister like I know she can. I love my mom to death; she is absoLUTEly one of my favorite people in life. My stepdad and I have never really seen eye to eye with each other, and he is a negative force in my life that I do not need. I know that deep down, he loves me, and he just has a strange way of showing it...[you know...emotional abuse and the like] and this does not help my wavering mind.
School is going really well, and I enjoy it, for the most part. I hate going, I hate being there, I hate doing homework, I hate thinking about it. BUT. I know that this is the path that I need to be on in order to achieve my goals down the road, so I WILL stick it out and finish. Business may be pretty boring, cutthroat, and republican-influenced at times, but these are skills I will need.
PK will be here in a few days and will be spending a week here, and I'm super excited. I'm afraid that she will be a bit off-putting to some of my quieter friends, but PK is honestly one of the people I admire most. It may take her time to figure out what she wants from life, but once she's got it figured out, she will do anything to get it. She is loud, opinionated, kind of a bitch, and damnit, I love her for it.
[This is what I *hope* people say about me.]
Having Lesley back in town is always a treat. We've spent a fair amount of time hanging out. I WISH that I could be half as together as she is at any given moment. I love having her around; she is crazy-sweet and has this calming air about her that just makes me comfortable. She is one of my best friends, and I've only known this girl a year. It's crazy to think about. I wish she weren't so far away most of the time.
My friends, TRUE friends, are few and far in between, but these people are ace. They're amazing in their own ways and challenge me to grow as a person. They are different and diverse, and I *love* them for it.
I've been shown this time and again, people will constantly surprise and amaze you.
I promised two songs, so here is a double dose of Something Corporate. SC and I have a longstanding history, and Lesley has got me re-hooked on them. Andrew's voice makes me smile, and I am a sucker for anything with a piano.
Something Corporate-Forget December
http://www.mediafire.com/?zmty2nnav4x
Something Corporate-Babies of the 80s
http://www.mediafire.com/?f44zwb5nznc
And now, I'm off to study for my midterm tomorrow. Spring Break, hook a sista up. I am ready for a BREAK. <3
I bet you thought I'd forget about this, didn'tcha? Welp, too bad haters.
Once again, I have to apologize about my flakiness in updating this. Trrrust me when I say that I have been *extremely* busy, and just trying to keep my handle on things.
The sun is out! It's WARM. That familiar emotional warmth of sunshine is spreading through my little burgyveins, and for once, I'm beginning to feel all right. [People with various forms of depression often are super affected by the lack of vitamins and serotonin that we collect from sunshine.] I can almost guarantee that the next month will be the happiest I will be all year, just from ODing on sunshine. And that is hella exciting. I love this time of year, where life kicks back in, coats go back in the closet, and we get to pull out the frisbee.
Been dealing with a lot of strange things lately. After a year and a half together, Laura and Caitlin broke up. I've been trying to be there for both of them, keeping two of the few friendships I have in tact, and it's been hard. I understand why it happened, I know it's for the best, but it's been stressful being around to watch Laura act out [per se] and Caitlin break down.
My parents have officially signed the divorce papers, and to be honest, this is one situation that I really am cool with. My mom needs this, she needs to man up and be a strong independent sister like I know she can. I love my mom to death; she is absoLUTEly one of my favorite people in life. My stepdad and I have never really seen eye to eye with each other, and he is a negative force in my life that I do not need. I know that deep down, he loves me, and he just has a strange way of showing it...[you know...emotional abuse and the like] and this does not help my wavering mind.
School is going really well, and I enjoy it, for the most part. I hate going, I hate being there, I hate doing homework, I hate thinking about it. BUT. I know that this is the path that I need to be on in order to achieve my goals down the road, so I WILL stick it out and finish. Business may be pretty boring, cutthroat, and republican-influenced at times, but these are skills I will need.
PK will be here in a few days and will be spending a week here, and I'm super excited. I'm afraid that she will be a bit off-putting to some of my quieter friends, but PK is honestly one of the people I admire most. It may take her time to figure out what she wants from life, but once she's got it figured out, she will do anything to get it. She is loud, opinionated, kind of a bitch, and damnit, I love her for it.
[This is what I *hope* people say about me.]
Having Lesley back in town is always a treat. We've spent a fair amount of time hanging out. I WISH that I could be half as together as she is at any given moment. I love having her around; she is crazy-sweet and has this calming air about her that just makes me comfortable. She is one of my best friends, and I've only known this girl a year. It's crazy to think about. I wish she weren't so far away most of the time.
My friends, TRUE friends, are few and far in between, but these people are ace. They're amazing in their own ways and challenge me to grow as a person. They are different and diverse, and I *love* them for it.
I've been shown this time and again, people will constantly surprise and amaze you.
I promised two songs, so here is a double dose of Something Corporate. SC and I have a longstanding history, and Lesley has got me re-hooked on them. Andrew's voice makes me smile, and I am a sucker for anything with a piano.
Something Corporate-Forget December
http://www.mediafire.com/?zmty2nnav4x
Something Corporate-Babies of the 80s
http://www.mediafire.com/?f44zwb5nznc
And now, I'm off to study for my midterm tomorrow. Spring Break, hook a sista up. I am ready for a BREAK. <3
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Third time's a charm.
[I loathe this cliche, mostly because it makes negative sense.]
This is a quick one, mostly b/c I really need to get back to homework. Talked out some things with G today. Really helpful. Also listened. Really helpful for him, methinks.
Spent some time driving around contemplating the conversations. I haven't completely reached a conclusion by any stretch, but...a step in the right direction.
I am just going day by day. I cannot waste time looking back on things. I need to look forward.
and with that, back to the homework.
[I'll post an extra song next time. I don't want to waste time uploading it now.]
This is a quick one, mostly b/c I really need to get back to homework. Talked out some things with G today. Really helpful. Also listened. Really helpful for him, methinks.
Spent some time driving around contemplating the conversations. I haven't completely reached a conclusion by any stretch, but...a step in the right direction.
I am just going day by day. I cannot waste time looking back on things. I need to look forward.
and with that, back to the homework.
[I'll post an extra song next time. I don't want to waste time uploading it now.]
Monday, February 1, 2010
...than the second one.
I did not mean to ignore you, new friend. This is my life, it is busy, it is crazy, it is mine.
The second entry is always harder than the first, because you spend the first entry introducing...something. Why you're writing, who you are, yadda. The second post is where the real work begins, so to speak.
Winter is doing its normal winter thing to me. Not very many people know my mental afflictions, and I do a pretty good job of keeping them under wraps. Most people who meet me can see the A.D.D. fairly quickly, but very few people know about my diagnosis of Dysthymia. This disorder is basically a low grade form of depression that lasts for years at a time, very rarely letting up, and sometimes spiraling into major depressive episodes.
Suffice it to say, it's life-affecting. Not to mention annoying.
The irony of it is that very few people know, and very few people would ever even put it together. I've become very good at putting on the front of normality [so to speak.] I haven't had a major depressive episode in two years...however, the effects of the last episode are still much with me, and I am still trying to put my life back together in some ways.
I'm always concerned that I will have more episodes. There isn't much I can do about it from a medical standpoint--medicine, therapy, doctors--all cost money and insurance, and I have neither.
I don't understand why I've been struck with this particular form of depression. Depression and anxiety disorders run in my family, prevalent on my mother's side. I know little about my biological father's side of the family to know for sure.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because I'm struggling to hide things. People are starting to question it. Some of my closest friends haven't the slightest idea. They just know that I went batty a couple years back and seemed to recover fine. I'm functioning. I go to work, I go to school For now.
I cannot help but see these warning signs, and I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm tired, so I sleep. But is it too much? My insomnia flares back up, then goes away, and I'll sleep whenever I'm not at work. I'm trying really hard to avoid abusing substances like I did, which hasn't been a problem thus-far. I'm trying to remain social, but the idea of isolation just seems better and better, than worse and worse.
I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be there for the people in my life who I care about, and I don't want to be a burden.
So...I just handle things, day by day and pray to God or whoever's listening that this does not turn into another huge ordeal that I spend years putting back together.
I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know this more than most. Everything I have, I've worked really hard to keep and appreciate from the bottoms of my feet to the tippy-top of my head and beyond.
Please don't let me screw this up any further.
Anyway, here's a song. That's all I have for now. <3
The Beatles--I Want You [She's so Heavy]
http://www.mediafire.com/?jijy2o4jtdm
The second entry is always harder than the first, because you spend the first entry introducing...something. Why you're writing, who you are, yadda. The second post is where the real work begins, so to speak.
Winter is doing its normal winter thing to me. Not very many people know my mental afflictions, and I do a pretty good job of keeping them under wraps. Most people who meet me can see the A.D.D. fairly quickly, but very few people know about my diagnosis of Dysthymia. This disorder is basically a low grade form of depression that lasts for years at a time, very rarely letting up, and sometimes spiraling into major depressive episodes.
Suffice it to say, it's life-affecting. Not to mention annoying.
The irony of it is that very few people know, and very few people would ever even put it together. I've become very good at putting on the front of normality [so to speak.] I haven't had a major depressive episode in two years...however, the effects of the last episode are still much with me, and I am still trying to put my life back together in some ways.
I'm always concerned that I will have more episodes. There isn't much I can do about it from a medical standpoint--medicine, therapy, doctors--all cost money and insurance, and I have neither.
I don't understand why I've been struck with this particular form of depression. Depression and anxiety disorders run in my family, prevalent on my mother's side. I know little about my biological father's side of the family to know for sure.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because I'm struggling to hide things. People are starting to question it. Some of my closest friends haven't the slightest idea. They just know that I went batty a couple years back and seemed to recover fine. I'm functioning. I go to work, I go to school For now.
I cannot help but see these warning signs, and I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm tired, so I sleep. But is it too much? My insomnia flares back up, then goes away, and I'll sleep whenever I'm not at work. I'm trying really hard to avoid abusing substances like I did, which hasn't been a problem thus-far. I'm trying to remain social, but the idea of isolation just seems better and better, than worse and worse.
I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be there for the people in my life who I care about, and I don't want to be a burden.
So...I just handle things, day by day and pray to God or whoever's listening that this does not turn into another huge ordeal that I spend years putting back together.
I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know this more than most. Everything I have, I've worked really hard to keep and appreciate from the bottoms of my feet to the tippy-top of my head and beyond.
Please don't let me screw this up any further.
Anyway, here's a song. That's all I have for now. <3
The Beatles--I Want You [She's so Heavy]
http://www.mediafire.com/?jijy2o4jtdm
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The first entry's always easier....
Hello, Gentle Reader.
I have started many blogs for many purposes, and they always start out with a mildly hilarious snarky first post...and then, as I have no attention span and a shotty memory, are forgotten, with exception of my beyoootiful LJ, which I have since high school, and update with some frequency and with an audience of multitudes.
As I want this journal to be different, the snarky beginnings and mild hilarity in hopes to capture someone else's attention will cease. No need for flash and sass, as I doubt many people will be reading this.
Which is really the point.
I am horrid at finding time to paper journal. My handwriting is also atrocious and it takes me ten minutes to scribble down a sentence, while taking me ten seconds to keyboard it out. [and my handwriting, so to speak, is legible AND classy.]
Here's the problem, journal: I am growing up. Hell, I have grown up. I am a grown up, in the strangest of ways. and whilst my LJ is lovely, I feel like I need to slowly move forward from it. I want to bring it to a close at some point, I'm just not sure how. I want to use you to move in a grown up direction, where I can keep my audience to a minimum of people who I do not mind typing my brains out to on some sort of basis, and a place where I can keep the drama to non-existent. I grow weary of internet drama.
This is part of my never ending pursuit of sucking the poison out of my life, a story I will one day tell here. Suffice it to say for now, it only takes an instant to completely destroy everything and yet takes years upon years to build it back and let it flourish.
Every day brings struggles and blessings, sunshine and curses. I've learned to accept it. I know that I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to get by, and I've grown to accept that. Not that it's not annoying, but regardless.
I've always been a creative person. Writing and music have been outlets that keep me going. Hell, music almost ended my life and ended up saving it, in a random sort of way. I need to write, or face mental insanity. I need music, it's my air. So, in an effort to sort of combine those two, I will try my hardest to post a couple of music downloads with each entry. Either they will be songs that speak to me today, or songs that speak for me for eternity. This first entry will come with one of each, and I won't exactly tell you which one is which. Use your context clues. :)
So...I think that's all I have for now. I have some less than thrilling stuff I need to accomplish tonight, and an early call time in the AM, so I will put this on hold for the time being. Here's some music. Enjoy.
<3,
Burgz.
xx--VCR
http://www.mediafire.com/?engdfd30zdm
Sarah Bettens--Turn Around
http://www.mediafire.com/?tryk1dzwqw2
I have started many blogs for many purposes, and they always start out with a mildly hilarious snarky first post...and then, as I have no attention span and a shotty memory, are forgotten, with exception of my beyoootiful LJ, which I have since high school, and update with some frequency and with an audience of multitudes.
As I want this journal to be different, the snarky beginnings and mild hilarity in hopes to capture someone else's attention will cease. No need for flash and sass, as I doubt many people will be reading this.
Which is really the point.
I am horrid at finding time to paper journal. My handwriting is also atrocious and it takes me ten minutes to scribble down a sentence, while taking me ten seconds to keyboard it out. [and my handwriting, so to speak, is legible AND classy.]
Here's the problem, journal: I am growing up. Hell, I have grown up. I am a grown up, in the strangest of ways. and whilst my LJ is lovely, I feel like I need to slowly move forward from it. I want to bring it to a close at some point, I'm just not sure how. I want to use you to move in a grown up direction, where I can keep my audience to a minimum of people who I do not mind typing my brains out to on some sort of basis, and a place where I can keep the drama to non-existent. I grow weary of internet drama.
This is part of my never ending pursuit of sucking the poison out of my life, a story I will one day tell here. Suffice it to say for now, it only takes an instant to completely destroy everything and yet takes years upon years to build it back and let it flourish.
Every day brings struggles and blessings, sunshine and curses. I've learned to accept it. I know that I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to get by, and I've grown to accept that. Not that it's not annoying, but regardless.
I've always been a creative person. Writing and music have been outlets that keep me going. Hell, music almost ended my life and ended up saving it, in a random sort of way. I need to write, or face mental insanity. I need music, it's my air. So, in an effort to sort of combine those two, I will try my hardest to post a couple of music downloads with each entry. Either they will be songs that speak to me today, or songs that speak for me for eternity. This first entry will come with one of each, and I won't exactly tell you which one is which. Use your context clues. :)
So...I think that's all I have for now. I have some less than thrilling stuff I need to accomplish tonight, and an early call time in the AM, so I will put this on hold for the time being. Here's some music. Enjoy.
<3,
Burgz.
xx--VCR
http://www.mediafire.com/?engdfd30zdm
Sarah Bettens--Turn Around
http://www.mediafire.com/?tryk1dzwqw2
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