Things just seem to get more interesting...

So. Remember how I said that I do not trust/enjoy StL drivers in the snow? Yeah. Case in point. Yesterday, I was rear-ended on my way to get coffee with Garrett. Now my back end is all wonky and my car creaks all creepy when I drive it. Plus my neck has been killing me all day, although this could very well be from the fact that I may have slept on it goofy.

It's funny. The few people I've talked to about the situation ask the expected questions about insurance and repairs. and honestly...I could care less about that stuff. The guy that hit me looked to be about my age, and jumped out of his truck, crying, freaking out. He explained to me that he's going to school and working three jobs, but just cannot afford car insurance.

It was a strange moment. I wasn't angry. I wasn't particularly shaken up. I felt...bad. For him. I understood exactly where he was coming from. I know exactly what it's like to work hard and feel like you're getting nowhere. I also remembered how obnoxious the guy whose car I bumped when my brakes failed over the summer. He's the reason my car insurance doubled, when in all reality, the final claim stated that I did just barely 500 dollars worth of damage to his car, which is a joke. 500 is the minimum, so...whatever. Regardless. I wasn't about to make this guy's life hard.

So, I told him it was fine and gave him a hug. He thanked me, we climbed back in our vehicles and went on our ways.


Chuck is tough. I'm tough. We handle things. We've got our scars, our imperfections, our weird quirks...at the end of the day, when things get tough, we'll get your there. We're accountable. We do what we gotta, the end.



As life gets curiouser and curiouser, Jeff slipped a package under my door this evening. It was postmarked from Oregon, which was strange, as I hadn't ordered anything nor do I actually know anyone from there. Turns out it was a copy of the Ascetic Junkies' newest album....the album I had waited for months to come out, only to not be able to afford after losing my job.

It came with an extra copy of the album and a post-it note from them, explaining that the extra album was "for a friend" and thanking me for buying the album.

SO. Random friend of mine who bought me the album...thanks. :) You should tell me who you are. I'd give you the extra copy of the album.

With that being said, I just gave it the initial listen-through....and they do not disappoint. <3 They've gone a bit more folky in content and laid off the politics. (which I sort of expected. With Obama in office, there's not really a figurehead-monster for the liberals to point their finger at. I'll post a full report once I get a better analysis of the album.

All right. I'm off to bed. <3

ps--Time magazine listed his album as the best to come out in 2010 and this song is probably why.

the smallest things...

I don't know who it was, and it really doesn't matter, aside from my wanting to be able to thank them in person. Someone paid the rest of my rent for this month. That's 250 dollars that I can now use to buy food and gas. To pay my property taxes. To even buy a few Christmas presents.

I've set aside twenty of it to pay forward in some way. I'm realizing more and more that I can't let things terminate on me, I need to be more giving and work towards helping others, in the ways that I can. And I know twenty isn't much, but every little bit helps in one way or another.

My mum will be here in a little over a week. I'm really starting to get excited about seeing her. Yeah, I'll be working a lot, but not like I can't see after. Or before. Whatever. And my bugaboo will be home soon. I can't wait to see her. She's always a calming, positive force that I love to have in my life.

Also, it snowed. It's snowing currently. It's beautiful through the window. Driving in it...not so much. *laughs* I have no idea where my confidence in snow-driving comes from, but I wish that the StL population had some of it. It's really not that bad. I'm more concerned with other drivers than myself in being able to handle it.

I'm waiting on my govt/constitution class to post grades, but so far, I have straight A's this semester, which I'm super stoked about.

Welp, I'm off to clean my apartment and get ready for work.

...Why Don't I begin again?

So.
I am refusing to be in this slump any longer. I refuse to sit back and be complacent. I refuse to just whine and not act.

I am not a victim. I am a victor.

School's done. I refuse to whine about Kaldi's anymore. I am accepting that this is a temporary situation--I will make the best of my situation. I can start by getting familiar with their regulars. By working hard at the things that I am allowed to do. By practicing the things I'm supposed to practice. To ask questions. To be friendly and get to know my co-workers.

I also have Wehrles'. This is an opportunity to make the money I need, and to keep up my barista skills. This is also an opportunity to keep the people I've really grown to love from IAG in my life.

I also now will have the time to rededicate to myself. My apartment is in mild shambles, because I haven't had the time/energy to clean it. I'm behind on laundry. My state of clean is usually a decent reflection of my mental state, and well...I woke up today, took a look around, a REAL look around, and realized that this just won't do.

I am not the victim. I am the victor, especially in my own life.

I don't have it rough. I am quite QUITE blessed. These past couple of months have been rough, but I refuse to let circumstances ruin my outlook any longer.


I'm posting this song, because it is Regina Spektor, and we all know my love for her. It's an old one, but one of my favorites. The imagery is amazing, and I can appreciate "cold Campbell's from a can...as it has become a staple to my diet as of late.

Much love. <3

Dear money, I hate you.

So. Was banking on unemployment and cash from selling my books back to float me through this month while waiting on paychecks and things from jobs I just started.

I received a letter today from the Unemployment office telling me basically that I'm bring denied my money due to their not receiving a form that I never filled out. Which would be of my accord...IF I HAD RECEIVED THE FORM MYSELF. Also, the cash from selling back my books? Nope. They refused my math book. My philosophy book was a rental and therefore, nope. My other two books came up to 64 bucks. WOO. Then they put it on one of those fake debit cards.

...which is whatever. I understand. It's money. However, I can't pay rent with this. I can't use this to pay my credit card. I can use to put gas in my car, which is good. and to eat. but I promised Jeff that money, and now I have to re-nig that promise because JeffCo is stupid.

...The only good thing about today was getting a card in the mail from my Bugaboo Les, who I miss WAY too much for her face to be in Virginia all the time. Come home, please! <3

I got a D+ on my math test...which probably brought my grade down to a C. Which means that my final is make-it-or-break-it. I really would like a B, as to not completely screw my GPA this semester. I also didn't get to say goodbye to Brad, my philosophy professor who I adore, because he's sick...planning on sending him an email. (I know, nerdy, but dude's the bomb.) But I feel good about that final, at the very least. I'm right on the fence of the A/B mark in government. I know I have an A in both history of rock n roll and philosophy, so that helps. I just...I'm so close to being done at JeffCo, for which the main goal was to raise my GPA to help pay for real school.

There's also a large possibility in my going to MoBap instead of UMSL. It would be way convenient, as it is ten minutes from here and work. It's a little more, but if I can get that covered with financial aid and scholarships, it'd be totes worth it. I need to look into their programming a bit more to see if it has the major I'm interested in. Also, they're connected with JeffCo, so I know all of my credits will transfer. A definite plus.

All right. I need food and to start hitting the books. Two more finals, and then this semester is OVER.

My brain is filled to the brim with nightmares.

Nightmares.

...abuse, violence, beating, screaming.

It latches onto my brain in my sleep and won't let go.
I have no idea what's real and what's false anymore.

I can't tell if my brain is finally making sense of some aspects of my childhood, or just filling in the gaps with nonsense.


Either way, I wish it would stop.

I think I'm going to skip my last lecture in gov't, so I can have time to make sense of math and philosophy and go have my meeting with Jake. I have my powerpoints, I'll be able to make sense of it all.

School is done t-minus five days.

Wait, Is it time for a music post?

Hells yes.

First of all. Glee. You finna get a beatdown. Ok. At first, I really liked your show. I really did. I even have the first 13 episodes on DVD. but it's gotten progressively more...annoying. Dramatic. Less about show choir, more about high school character dramatics and substandard musical performances. I binged and caught up with the second season online, and if I may have a Chris Crocker moment:

LEAVE FLORENCE + THE MACHINES ALONE!

Have Britney. Amy. Gaga. Leave my lovely indie bands alone plzthnx.

That's all I have to say about that.

Moving on...so, does anyone remember hellogoodbye? Dropped an LP on Drive Thru Records in 2007. adorable, sweet, synth-pop-punk album. Adorable guys. Kinda fell off the radar...until recently. They've dropped a new album, Would It Kill You?. I have three words.

A. Maze. Ing.

They grew up! It's still adorable. It's still catchy. Some elements of the synth sound, but for the most part they're working to showcase Forrest's vocal talent and the musicianship of the rest of the guys. These boys can play. This dude can SING. They're also putting the album out on their own label, called Wasted Summer. Which would've been a great title for this record. It has a great summer-driving to the beach with the top down, radio-blasting kind of feel. However, releasing it now...it makes my car feel like sunshine, even though it's stupid cold. I'm obsessed with the horn section in "Betrayed By Bones" currently, as well as the general use of Forrest's ukulele skills.

As always, my opinion is just that, an opinion. So check it for yourself :) [I always share. :) ]

...Other than that, I've been listening to a LOT of old stuff lately. Been taking it 2003 style, rocking the Elliot Smith/Modest Mouse/Jeff Buckley/Garbage hard. [It's winter, it's not my fault.] Also been rocking Animal Collective and TV on the Radio. It's the hipster in me. She can't help it.

I'm really just waiting for the new Decemberists album to drop in January. eeeee! I'll start looking for leaks soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

All right. I've put off studying and all that long enough. Time to hit the books.
Enjoy suckaaaas. <3

Money.

So...I'm quitting smoking. and eating. and driving anywhere that isn't work. I'll only wash my hair every other day. I won't buy anything I don't need, and even then....
I'm going to start selling movies. maybe my tv and ps2.

I'm getting a second job. I'm giving up my life.

I just can't seem to cut it money-wise.

what more can I do?

Long Long Long...

It's been a long long long time,
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you.

It took a long long long time
Now I'm so happy I found you
How I love you

So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you.
Ooh I love you.


This song still breaks my heart a little.
I'm realizing that my heart's still a little broken, regardless.

I want to bomb my fridge.

I start at Kaldi's tomorrow. It's just orientation, yay paperwork...but still. We're working our way out of the darkness that has been the last month.

I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.

I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.

Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.

...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.

I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.

But I really fucking hate yogurt.

irony is just a tool.

Had an interview at Lone Wolf last weekend. Weird vibes from the place. Weird vibes from the manager. Weird, icky vibes in general from this.

Have an interview at Kaldi's on Friday. I feel good about this one. Talking to the manager, even on the phone, I felt warm. He sounded like a ray of sunshine.

It's been strange, to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't since the store closed. I'm not entirely surprised about the results. Garrett and I have leaned on each other hard the past few months, way before the store closing and all that. I'm not particularly sure how--it was like we woke up one day and realized the other was there, REALLY there. I've seen him plenty, we talk plenty. I'm happy about this. Becky and Christian are making sure to stick around in my life thusfar. Which is great.

Everyone else has been pretty elusive. This is really all the more I want to talk about it, because, honestly, it upsets me.

I have a stack of business cards from regulars on my desk, people that wanted me to keep in touch and all that. I think I'll send out emails later today, after I go register for class.

It's strange. There are some days that I find myself really missing the STORE, really missing those people in particular, all that, but I've realized in all honesty the thing I miss the most is my own mental stability concerning money. I didn't realize how much this would effect me, effect my mindset. These highs and lows are getting to me, wearing me out. I don't think anyone has really put it together how much this has messed me up. Granted, one of the things I'm best at is pushing that shit down and putting on a happy face when I have to. This is why every time I lose my mind, no one expects it.

I'm worried if things don't change soon for the better, that another round of crazy is to come.

Here's a song. I know I've been bad about posting music, but I haven't necessarily been able to wrap my head around what it is that I've been listening to as of late. It changes. The Ascetic Junkies are a mainstay. I want their new album desperately, but I don't have the 8 bucks to get it, so I have to keep myself entertained with the old stuff. This song in particular, never used to be one of my favorites, is now speaking to me volumes.

http://www.mediafire.com/?865h13cjlov13b5

You, you you....

I need a life. And yet I turn down the one I have. It makes no sense to me.

You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.

You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.

You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.

You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.

Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.

You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.

You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.

You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.

You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.

Being solitary suits you to a point.

Whatever.

This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.

Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.

Talking in circles. Time to go.

...

I NEED A JOB.

>_<

just more nonsense.

I know I haven't written much. There hasn't been much to say.
Yes, a lot's happened, but...*shrug* it's happened, I have to move forward. I have to say though, the last day was hard, but not. It was hard at two points: when Garrett left at 11, and right at 1, when I was talking to the few regulars left. [Mostly Eric, who has always been my favorite.] Craig rolled in about 1:30 while we were cleaning. Ging kept crying, Becky kept mumbling French obscenities--I took a bit of joy in taking care of my girls and making sure Craig felt like a douche. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get ghetto in his face. I was calm. Hell, maybe I'm growing.

It's been a weird week. Yes, I've seen Garrett almost every day. Hung out with Jake.Got coffee with Austin. Getting lunch with Lauren and Ging here in a few hours. Talked to Beck n Boosh almost every night. I still feel off. I almost want to call Mrs. G. Call Eric. Hell, I'd even take some of the regulars I didn't like so much. And watching someone else make my coffee kinda hurts. [Mokabes was good, in that Ronnie let me behind the counter to do myself.] I miss our little family.

I need to work on getting myself out of this house and yet not spending money. It's easy for me to hide in here and wait to be drawn out.

...See, this is why I don't write much. I feel like I'm not making any sense. Where is my grasp on the English language lately?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

#27--The beginning of the end.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

IAG is closing. Friday, the last day. I will have worked the first day we opened, and will be the last one working on the last day. Eesh.

Put in an app at Sbux. I didn't want to, but...I need a job. I need to stay in coffee, or lose my sanity.

Things are complicated, rough, stupid, depressing. We've all been spending so much time at the store since the announcement Friday. It's weird to roll up there and not see at least one other kid not scheduled there.

I am struggling so hard. I keep hearing that this is a part of God's plan, that we all will look back and understand. I hear it. I appreciate what they're saying. However, I don't believe it. I can't believe it. All I see right now is chaos, uncertainty. Sadness.

I'm behind in school, again. I can't bring myself to anything but a sense of guilty apathy. I'm still not unpacked at the apartment. Yet...apathy. I'm feeling apathetic in just about every area of my life. I had pushed through a rough patch at work, and everything felt right as rain. Now, this.

I'm craving the loving smiles of friends right now, and there just seems to be an intense lack of it. We're all sad. There are so many people I'm going to miss. Not just other employees, but customers. My regulars who brighten my day. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from bashing my head against the wall is Mrs. G's smile, or a hilarious story from Eric, or Anthony's snarky comments. I just...what am I going to do without them?

Monetary worries are secondary, but oh so present.

I know me. I'll bounce back into another job. I'll grow to love it, and I'll always have fond memories of the mug. I know that I'm resilient and tough and the myriad of other things people have been telling me. but I feel none of that right now. I feel like a quivering mess of depressed and furious jello right now.

Blugh.

#26: Oh Lord.

I have internet again. Woot!

I realize generally that while I have a generally logical head on my shoulder, it gets clouded by snap judgments and emotions and...well, cute things. I'd hope that I'd be aware enough to see it before things blow up too much. Hmm. I see it happening now. I also continue to watch myself do nothing in particular to stop it. I should probably be learning a lesson here, but I see no lesson to learn. Therefore...I just try and put my emotions in my back pocket and continue on with my journey. I should get out now, but I'm having too much fun and am enjoying you too much in my life to stop. Maybe that's the lesson. Stop having fun and refocus.

My new place is grand. Once I actually get everything unpacked, I promise pictures.

I have so much homework to do. I really can't write as much as I'd like. I promise an update soon.

Here's a song I'm obsessed wtih. It has become one of the theme songs for opening with Garrett, mostly because it is fabulous, and well...it's the Strokes (G's fav) and Regina Spektor (my fav.)
hxxp://www.mediafire.com/?e366sw5zot8
[xx->tt]

24: short n sweet.

my life as of recent has consisted of the following:
workclasshomeworknapworkworkredtreeworkworkworkworkclasshomeworknapcoffee.

Moving out is being put on hold for a moment to help take care of my grandparents. Which...I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm totally cool with, it's fine, I'm more than happy to do it. In all reality, the immature baby part of me is totally pouting and fussing about it, saying things like "I've spent the last three years dealing with their shenanigans! It's not fair, right on the cusp of my freedom!"

But...they've helped me, and now it's my chance to return the favor. And a month isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things. I'm just whining, as usual.

mk. I'll update soon, promise. I just have too much to do right now. <3

#23: We interrupt your blog reading for a daily dose of...

freaking out.


IDON'TWANTTOGOYOUCAN'TMAKEMEITHINKIWILLJUSTMISSMYFLIGHTIDON'TWANTTODOTHIS.


I'm being a child. I'm aware.


Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.


I'll be in Ohio for the weekend. FML.

#22.

Oh hai.

I didn't forget you, per se. Everything is a balancing act for me, and well...I've had some problems balancing as of late. Struggling to get in enough to even relax, let alone write and be with my thoughts...though, in a way, I cannot let myself be frustrated by this. This is exactly the way I've created my life to be. This is the only way I seem to function without indulging myself too much in my own depression and depravity.

I just kind of need a moment to freak out about a few things, and then I can polish the mask of busy-ness and continue on with my life.

I'm going to Ohio to see Bob [ex-stepdad/legal dad] next weekend. I'm freaking out about this mostly because...I don't want to go. It's not a convenient time, a lot of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, I will need to be getting READY for school, I need to be working as much as possible, all that. It's just not great timing. He wants me to meet his new live-in girlfriend. Which...I'm not sure how to handle. I'm not stupid. This is the woman who had a large part in destroying my parents' marriage. While I've come to terms with the fact that this is definitely better for both of them to be apart, it's still bothersome. Bob and I have always had some major issues in our relationship [mostly a lack of understanding of how the other one thinks and functions] and this makes things hard. We don't mesh well, the end. But at the same time...he's making an effort. He extended this invitation, he's the one making it happen, so I have to accept and go and hope for my sanity and survival.

School. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm not even really that worried about my classes, per se. I'm worried that I won't have time to even think about them. I'm worried that once again my brain will mis-prioritize [this is now a word] and school will end up floating towards the bottom. I can't do this. I need to focus on my education. School is such a frustrating subject for me. I'm 23, and I'm working on getting my associate's. I hate that it took so long for me to take school somewhat seriously, and even now I feel like a joke and a failure. No matter how I rationalize it, being at JeffCo is EMBARRASSING. I came to St. Louis on a full academic scholarship for Maryville University, a prestigious private school and fast forward five years, and I'm at JeffCo. Yes, circumstances happen, mental breakdowns happen, life happens. I hate that I'm embarrassed in the first place. In all honesty, I'm proud that I went back to school after all that. I'm proud of the fact that I chose to save some money and take care of things while I decided what I needed most from my education. I guess it's just awkward that half of my friends don't even actually know that I'm at JeffCo. They think I'm still at UMSL. And well...let em think it. At least that's a bit less embarrassing...but in all reality, I need to get over myself. I will be done at JeffCo in May. I will have a degree, and I will be en route to get my business degree at UMSL.

I have other stuff I want to write about, but I reeeeeeally need to get to sleep. Working a double tomorrow and stopping by the IAG party after work version 2.0. Busy busy day. I promise to finish this update this weekend. :)

#21: "Birds of Sadness"

There's this Chinese proverb I once heard that has always stuck with me.

“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”

[My automatic snotty response is "yes, buy a hat."]

Regardless.

I feel like more often than not, the birds of sadness have not only nesting in my hair, but build condos, a Starbucks, and have formed a whole little nation up there. I know a lot of it has to do with my own mental diag-nonsense, which dictates more of my life than I really would like. Right now, it's affecting my sleeping, which is leaking into all parts of my life, in that I am no fun when I am tired, and am even crabbier, sadder, and quicker to anger. Which leads to an increase in caffeine consumption, which I know is horrendous for me, which also probably aids in my not sleeping and horrible nightmares, and it snowballs. And this is just with something as simple as sleeping.

I got a second job. At Hot Topic. Again. It's not horrible. If nothing else, easy work, easy money. I know I won't have to hang out with those kids, so luckily it's not yet another social requirement. But when my ASM asked if I knew James, it was a tiny knife-blade to the heart. I covered it up, as I always do, and gave vague answers.

The Starbucks kids are a sore subject for me. Sometimes, I want to talk about them. I want to relive that moment in time where I thought these people were true friends, that we were a family, the family that I desperately needed then, and that nothing would ever ruin that. But even then, this usually is something I do on my own, in my head, with my own thoughts. Most of the time, this subject is painful, and sends my brain into the intensely depressive thought mode.

These kids are just another example in why I struggle to trust anyone past a certain point. These were people who I would have died for, given anything for, and for them...I was a sideshow. My depression, my suicide attempts, my situation with school, my relationship with Kyle--all of it was fodder for their snarky chats over post work martinis. It makes me want to die now, thinking how much I put my trust in some of them, only to have it broken as much as it was. Learning about the extent of this and a myriad of other things has forced the wall up, that much higher, that much thicker.

I do not disclose. I do not let the world into my life past a certain point. Garrett is in farther than I would like, in all honesty, but not too much. Part of me genuinely trusts him. Part of me knows the part that trusts him sees a lot of past things in him too. Part of me genuinely trusts Laura. This part is larger. This part also knows that if anything were to go south in our friendship, there's a lot at stake. Keeping her happy is always good. Lesley knows, if by nothing else, because she reads this. And Les is my girl. I'm not mad about her slipping through the wall of bullshit.


...

Ok. I have NO idea where my brain is going with this entry at all.

At any rate, I need to be getting up to do things, and I've wasted an hour.

I'm planning another entry soon that will be a music-inspired post. I don't normally plan journal entries, but this one needs to happen. I might even write it later today. I'm not sure. So I'm not posting a song here, now. but next time.

<3

#19: relationships, part two.

I promise this will be the last I write on this subject for awhile, mostly because I don't think this is a subject worth focusing so much of my time on. I've just had some really interesting things come up with it recently.

I was never really a girl who focused on romantic relationships. I was never a girl who was that interested in them. Apparently this phenomenon needed a label, and there it was, thanks to one of my old roommates: Quirkyalone. I sort of enjoyed that she had "invented" a word for me until I found out that it really wasn't for ME, per se...that it was from a book of the same title.

[Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility.]


I think it's pretty valid. I think it's a pretty wonderful way to live. I see no real issue with it.

Apparently, I am wrong.


Last weekend Lesley and I went to Ginger's grad party. We had a super fantastic time. At one point, Ginger's mom Holly, who came into the store all the time and therefore knows me, pulled me aside to chat. Which is cool, I love Holly. Until she started in on a weird string of questions.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Do you date?"
"You should. You're a lot of fun."
"Why don't you date?"
"Boys are great. You're at the prime of your dating life."

It made me laugh.

I also found out that not too long ago, our store owner Craig grilled Laura about my status of nondating. Apparently my boss has also inquired to Laura about this. My grandparents bug me about it constantly. My mom too.


It was a topic of conversation that I had with Laura the other day. She had an interesting argument: My status as a Quirkyalone seemed to be more "counter-cultural" than her sexuality.

I was quick to deny it, until she listed off her argument. [See above examples.]
She also said that it was strange for HER to know this about us, that as far as relationships go, she was not used to being the more "normal" one. Because while the partner she seeks isn't exactly the norm, at least she is seeking one. Which is valid...hypothetically.

I guess I just don't understand what the fuss is about. I HAVE dated before. I've been in relationships before. Those relationships, at that time and that place, I wanted to be in. I felt comfortable in. I felt a genuine connection to that person. And yes, those connections didn't last, but so be it. I've lived and learned from each of those relationships, no major harm, no major foul.

I don't understand society's need to push us together, to couple us off. I get more love from my friends than from one person at this point in my life. Things change. The love of my life might walk into my world tomorrow, who knows? Until then, I will not be pressured by outside forces to date, to get suckered into a relationship that I do not want to be in.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't date. I just won't settle at this point for dating someone who I don't think would be a long term thing. Why date if the ultimate goal is nowhere in sight? *shrug* It seems counterproductive.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my point. Sorry for the rambling. I need to get some sleep. G'night lovelies.