The first day of the rest of my life....

So.
more talking, more planning.
This is actually going to happen.

My last day of classes will be May 12 with finals. After that, it'll just be the simple matter of packing up Chuck [or a van, depending on what we decide to do] and trucking down to St. Petersburg, Florida!

There are a few people I want to tell in person before I announce it hugely. mostly Garrett and Greg, who I can't seem to get a hold of, and Laura, who I'll see tomorrow night. I'll need to call Clay and plan a weekend to see him...maybe a few times. I need to make a few other phone calls, but....

This is really happening. Holy moly.


...now it's just a matter of finding a place to stash my stuff from Marchish to mid May. The Jarchows are an option. The Wilkinsons. Courtney apparently has a hookup for me. Jeff's working on something. My grandparents are an option. (I haven't told them yet...I'm still ironing out the details. I'll probably talk to them Monday, after classes.) Hell, even Jake offered to let me crash for a bit if need be.


I shall survive this. :)

Oh, holy jeez.

So.
Jeff is kicking me out, due to my intense lack of funds to be able to pay rent.
Fair. I'm not mad.

And once again, here I am, making a list of things I have going for me in the Lou:

...


Done.

So.
My mom is offering to help move me down to Florida. To help pay for it. She's offered housing. I'd be able to do school down there....

The only miniscule problem is me, in general, not being a fan of Florida. But hey. I miss my mom and I just want to end this perfect shithole of a story in the Lou. It'd be an easy out.

I'd be able to move in May...meanwhile, I need to find a place to crash for a few months while I wrap up school.

I will miss some people, but...that's what facebook is for. Phones. Texting. Planes, trains, automobiles.

The idea of warm sounds super amazing.

Now...to actually figure out if this will work.

A lack of color here....

I hate my life.

"...all alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made..."

You're in the process of finding yourself. You've been looking in some interesting places. You've collected the data. Now, for some quick analysis.

You're not going to find yourself in a church.
You're not going to find yourself in a book. Any book.
You're not going to find yourself in a coffee shop, even if that coffee shop made you happy.
You're not going to find yourself in the eyes of anyone else.
You're not in the fridge. Or the closet. Not in the arms of a boy. Not in the smiles of the people around you.
You're not in that first drag of that oh-so-needed cigarette.
You're not in a sunrise. You're not in a sunset.
You're not in the lack of vitamin D running through your veins.
You're not in a song. Even your so-called theme songs.
You're not in your beer. Or vodka.
Video games? Nope. Nerdy cartoons? Nada. Facebook? Nein.

Where are you?
...

Right here. Right where you've been all this time. You keep looking for some deep meaning, some radical philosophy, some quick little band-aid fix to all your questions. You've realized all these questions are the things distracting you from the answers. Quit looking at the questions. Focus on the answers.

Answers:
-You do not feel comfortable at church. You do not feel comfortable talking about God. You do not put forth towards a relationship with Him because you do not inherently believe He ever existed in your world. You finally understand what Nietzsche means when he states that God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

You realize now that God is a concept. and you have rejected Him. So...now He rejects you. [and thus-far, you haven't particularly seen any concrete punishments.]

-You are unhappy because you focus on being unhappy. Your chemical issues aside, you focus on your unhappy moments because you are too afraid of being happy. Curling up with your unhappiness is safe. It's known. You know how to be depressed. You weave negativity and sarcasm with the same skill of Ben Folds and his ability to tickle the ivories.

-You cannot be in one place this long. You need excitement. You need adventure. You get comfortable and complacency sets in. Right now, you are drowning in complacency.

-You are letting a situation with a boy eat you alive. You need to face it. You are bigger than this. Better than this. Stronger than this. You will admit that you need people. You will admit that you would like to be in a relationship, something you wouldn't have openly admitted even months ago. You need to face the fact that now that you have come to the realization of your needs...notice nowhere did you need HIM, specifically. You'd like to have him, but there's no need. So, if it doesn't work out, you won't die. You'll keep fighting, tooth and nail, just like you always have. But you also need to own the fact that you'd like to have him, to his face, and see what happens. Man up.



So, in these answers, there are things needed of you. Get on it.

But, at it is late, and you are tired, you'll just listen to Ben Folds and have another beer.

Oh, January, oh...

Guilt. Regret. All he's racked with.
I understand it.

Doesn't make it any less stupid.

I wish that friendships in my world didn't have to do this random explode-y thing. Especially considering I have so few that I actually want to put forth the effort.


Blugh. This one's all...complicated. The extra emotions aren't necessary.

I need to clean my kitchen and put away laundry. I'm going to manic-clean most of the night away in hopes of gaining some sort of control over SOMETHING in my life.

Woo.

2011, you are too complicated for me.

I find myself making life way more complicated than it needs to be. It's a thing. A thing I do.

And now, here I am. Once again, making a situation more complicated than it should have ever been. And I'm kicking myself for it.

But at the same time...not. At the same time, I need to be open to experiencing things. I need to be able to live in the moment.

I need to figure out how to balance these two parts of myself out. I need to be able to figure out how to live in the moment without taking the next week to analyze every second of it.

So...it's D-day. Today I'm marching the beach. Time to put this painful analysis to rest. To speak my mind, not to my lovely friends who have all been painfully patient with me, but to the other person in this situation.

I have to be strong. I have to be gentle. Everything's fragile, but I cannot be willing to compromise. I cannot sweep my feelings under the rug and pretend like they don't exist. I have to hold my temper if things don't go my way.

If need be, I have to be willing to walk out and never look back.

...I don't think I am, though. And therein lies the problem.

I can handle this. I've handled worse. I just have to keep my wits about me.

I'll have my answers tonight. Until then...I have the Decemberists and my lovely friends to distract me.

I'm eternally grateful for them. <3

Things just seem to get more interesting...

So. Remember how I said that I do not trust/enjoy StL drivers in the snow? Yeah. Case in point. Yesterday, I was rear-ended on my way to get coffee with Garrett. Now my back end is all wonky and my car creaks all creepy when I drive it. Plus my neck has been killing me all day, although this could very well be from the fact that I may have slept on it goofy.

It's funny. The few people I've talked to about the situation ask the expected questions about insurance and repairs. and honestly...I could care less about that stuff. The guy that hit me looked to be about my age, and jumped out of his truck, crying, freaking out. He explained to me that he's going to school and working three jobs, but just cannot afford car insurance.

It was a strange moment. I wasn't angry. I wasn't particularly shaken up. I felt...bad. For him. I understood exactly where he was coming from. I know exactly what it's like to work hard and feel like you're getting nowhere. I also remembered how obnoxious the guy whose car I bumped when my brakes failed over the summer. He's the reason my car insurance doubled, when in all reality, the final claim stated that I did just barely 500 dollars worth of damage to his car, which is a joke. 500 is the minimum, so...whatever. Regardless. I wasn't about to make this guy's life hard.

So, I told him it was fine and gave him a hug. He thanked me, we climbed back in our vehicles and went on our ways.


Chuck is tough. I'm tough. We handle things. We've got our scars, our imperfections, our weird quirks...at the end of the day, when things get tough, we'll get your there. We're accountable. We do what we gotta, the end.



As life gets curiouser and curiouser, Jeff slipped a package under my door this evening. It was postmarked from Oregon, which was strange, as I hadn't ordered anything nor do I actually know anyone from there. Turns out it was a copy of the Ascetic Junkies' newest album....the album I had waited for months to come out, only to not be able to afford after losing my job.

It came with an extra copy of the album and a post-it note from them, explaining that the extra album was "for a friend" and thanking me for buying the album.

SO. Random friend of mine who bought me the album...thanks. :) You should tell me who you are. I'd give you the extra copy of the album.

With that being said, I just gave it the initial listen-through....and they do not disappoint. <3 They've gone a bit more folky in content and laid off the politics. (which I sort of expected. With Obama in office, there's not really a figurehead-monster for the liberals to point their finger at. I'll post a full report once I get a better analysis of the album.

All right. I'm off to bed. <3

ps--Time magazine listed his album as the best to come out in 2010 and this song is probably why.

the smallest things...

I don't know who it was, and it really doesn't matter, aside from my wanting to be able to thank them in person. Someone paid the rest of my rent for this month. That's 250 dollars that I can now use to buy food and gas. To pay my property taxes. To even buy a few Christmas presents.

I've set aside twenty of it to pay forward in some way. I'm realizing more and more that I can't let things terminate on me, I need to be more giving and work towards helping others, in the ways that I can. And I know twenty isn't much, but every little bit helps in one way or another.

My mum will be here in a little over a week. I'm really starting to get excited about seeing her. Yeah, I'll be working a lot, but not like I can't see after. Or before. Whatever. And my bugaboo will be home soon. I can't wait to see her. She's always a calming, positive force that I love to have in my life.

Also, it snowed. It's snowing currently. It's beautiful through the window. Driving in it...not so much. *laughs* I have no idea where my confidence in snow-driving comes from, but I wish that the StL population had some of it. It's really not that bad. I'm more concerned with other drivers than myself in being able to handle it.

I'm waiting on my govt/constitution class to post grades, but so far, I have straight A's this semester, which I'm super stoked about.

Welp, I'm off to clean my apartment and get ready for work.

...Why Don't I begin again?

So.
I am refusing to be in this slump any longer. I refuse to sit back and be complacent. I refuse to just whine and not act.

I am not a victim. I am a victor.

School's done. I refuse to whine about Kaldi's anymore. I am accepting that this is a temporary situation--I will make the best of my situation. I can start by getting familiar with their regulars. By working hard at the things that I am allowed to do. By practicing the things I'm supposed to practice. To ask questions. To be friendly and get to know my co-workers.

I also have Wehrles'. This is an opportunity to make the money I need, and to keep up my barista skills. This is also an opportunity to keep the people I've really grown to love from IAG in my life.

I also now will have the time to rededicate to myself. My apartment is in mild shambles, because I haven't had the time/energy to clean it. I'm behind on laundry. My state of clean is usually a decent reflection of my mental state, and well...I woke up today, took a look around, a REAL look around, and realized that this just won't do.

I am not the victim. I am the victor, especially in my own life.

I don't have it rough. I am quite QUITE blessed. These past couple of months have been rough, but I refuse to let circumstances ruin my outlook any longer.


I'm posting this song, because it is Regina Spektor, and we all know my love for her. It's an old one, but one of my favorites. The imagery is amazing, and I can appreciate "cold Campbell's from a can...as it has become a staple to my diet as of late.

Much love. <3

Dear money, I hate you.

So. Was banking on unemployment and cash from selling my books back to float me through this month while waiting on paychecks and things from jobs I just started.

I received a letter today from the Unemployment office telling me basically that I'm bring denied my money due to their not receiving a form that I never filled out. Which would be of my accord...IF I HAD RECEIVED THE FORM MYSELF. Also, the cash from selling back my books? Nope. They refused my math book. My philosophy book was a rental and therefore, nope. My other two books came up to 64 bucks. WOO. Then they put it on one of those fake debit cards.

...which is whatever. I understand. It's money. However, I can't pay rent with this. I can't use this to pay my credit card. I can use to put gas in my car, which is good. and to eat. but I promised Jeff that money, and now I have to re-nig that promise because JeffCo is stupid.

...The only good thing about today was getting a card in the mail from my Bugaboo Les, who I miss WAY too much for her face to be in Virginia all the time. Come home, please! <3

I got a D+ on my math test...which probably brought my grade down to a C. Which means that my final is make-it-or-break-it. I really would like a B, as to not completely screw my GPA this semester. I also didn't get to say goodbye to Brad, my philosophy professor who I adore, because he's sick...planning on sending him an email. (I know, nerdy, but dude's the bomb.) But I feel good about that final, at the very least. I'm right on the fence of the A/B mark in government. I know I have an A in both history of rock n roll and philosophy, so that helps. I just...I'm so close to being done at JeffCo, for which the main goal was to raise my GPA to help pay for real school.

There's also a large possibility in my going to MoBap instead of UMSL. It would be way convenient, as it is ten minutes from here and work. It's a little more, but if I can get that covered with financial aid and scholarships, it'd be totes worth it. I need to look into their programming a bit more to see if it has the major I'm interested in. Also, they're connected with JeffCo, so I know all of my credits will transfer. A definite plus.

All right. I need food and to start hitting the books. Two more finals, and then this semester is OVER.

My brain is filled to the brim with nightmares.

Nightmares.

...abuse, violence, beating, screaming.

It latches onto my brain in my sleep and won't let go.
I have no idea what's real and what's false anymore.

I can't tell if my brain is finally making sense of some aspects of my childhood, or just filling in the gaps with nonsense.


Either way, I wish it would stop.

I think I'm going to skip my last lecture in gov't, so I can have time to make sense of math and philosophy and go have my meeting with Jake. I have my powerpoints, I'll be able to make sense of it all.

School is done t-minus five days.

Wait, Is it time for a music post?

Hells yes.

First of all. Glee. You finna get a beatdown. Ok. At first, I really liked your show. I really did. I even have the first 13 episodes on DVD. but it's gotten progressively more...annoying. Dramatic. Less about show choir, more about high school character dramatics and substandard musical performances. I binged and caught up with the second season online, and if I may have a Chris Crocker moment:

LEAVE FLORENCE + THE MACHINES ALONE!

Have Britney. Amy. Gaga. Leave my lovely indie bands alone plzthnx.

That's all I have to say about that.

Moving on...so, does anyone remember hellogoodbye? Dropped an LP on Drive Thru Records in 2007. adorable, sweet, synth-pop-punk album. Adorable guys. Kinda fell off the radar...until recently. They've dropped a new album, Would It Kill You?. I have three words.

A. Maze. Ing.

They grew up! It's still adorable. It's still catchy. Some elements of the synth sound, but for the most part they're working to showcase Forrest's vocal talent and the musicianship of the rest of the guys. These boys can play. This dude can SING. They're also putting the album out on their own label, called Wasted Summer. Which would've been a great title for this record. It has a great summer-driving to the beach with the top down, radio-blasting kind of feel. However, releasing it now...it makes my car feel like sunshine, even though it's stupid cold. I'm obsessed with the horn section in "Betrayed By Bones" currently, as well as the general use of Forrest's ukulele skills.

As always, my opinion is just that, an opinion. So check it for yourself :) [I always share. :) ]

...Other than that, I've been listening to a LOT of old stuff lately. Been taking it 2003 style, rocking the Elliot Smith/Modest Mouse/Jeff Buckley/Garbage hard. [It's winter, it's not my fault.] Also been rocking Animal Collective and TV on the Radio. It's the hipster in me. She can't help it.

I'm really just waiting for the new Decemberists album to drop in January. eeeee! I'll start looking for leaks soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

All right. I've put off studying and all that long enough. Time to hit the books.
Enjoy suckaaaas. <3

Money.

So...I'm quitting smoking. and eating. and driving anywhere that isn't work. I'll only wash my hair every other day. I won't buy anything I don't need, and even then....
I'm going to start selling movies. maybe my tv and ps2.

I'm getting a second job. I'm giving up my life.

I just can't seem to cut it money-wise.

what more can I do?

Long Long Long...

It's been a long long long time,
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you.

It took a long long long time
Now I'm so happy I found you
How I love you

So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you.
Ooh I love you.


This song still breaks my heart a little.
I'm realizing that my heart's still a little broken, regardless.

I want to bomb my fridge.

I start at Kaldi's tomorrow. It's just orientation, yay paperwork...but still. We're working our way out of the darkness that has been the last month.

I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.

I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.

Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.

...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.

I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.

But I really fucking hate yogurt.

irony is just a tool.

Had an interview at Lone Wolf last weekend. Weird vibes from the place. Weird vibes from the manager. Weird, icky vibes in general from this.

Have an interview at Kaldi's on Friday. I feel good about this one. Talking to the manager, even on the phone, I felt warm. He sounded like a ray of sunshine.

It's been strange, to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't since the store closed. I'm not entirely surprised about the results. Garrett and I have leaned on each other hard the past few months, way before the store closing and all that. I'm not particularly sure how--it was like we woke up one day and realized the other was there, REALLY there. I've seen him plenty, we talk plenty. I'm happy about this. Becky and Christian are making sure to stick around in my life thusfar. Which is great.

Everyone else has been pretty elusive. This is really all the more I want to talk about it, because, honestly, it upsets me.

I have a stack of business cards from regulars on my desk, people that wanted me to keep in touch and all that. I think I'll send out emails later today, after I go register for class.

It's strange. There are some days that I find myself really missing the STORE, really missing those people in particular, all that, but I've realized in all honesty the thing I miss the most is my own mental stability concerning money. I didn't realize how much this would effect me, effect my mindset. These highs and lows are getting to me, wearing me out. I don't think anyone has really put it together how much this has messed me up. Granted, one of the things I'm best at is pushing that shit down and putting on a happy face when I have to. This is why every time I lose my mind, no one expects it.

I'm worried if things don't change soon for the better, that another round of crazy is to come.

Here's a song. I know I've been bad about posting music, but I haven't necessarily been able to wrap my head around what it is that I've been listening to as of late. It changes. The Ascetic Junkies are a mainstay. I want their new album desperately, but I don't have the 8 bucks to get it, so I have to keep myself entertained with the old stuff. This song in particular, never used to be one of my favorites, is now speaking to me volumes.

http://www.mediafire.com/?865h13cjlov13b5

You, you you....

I need a life. And yet I turn down the one I have. It makes no sense to me.

You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.

You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.

You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.

You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.

Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.

You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.

You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.

You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.

You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.

Being solitary suits you to a point.

Whatever.

This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.

Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.

Talking in circles. Time to go.

...

I NEED A JOB.

>_<

just more nonsense.

I know I haven't written much. There hasn't been much to say.
Yes, a lot's happened, but...*shrug* it's happened, I have to move forward. I have to say though, the last day was hard, but not. It was hard at two points: when Garrett left at 11, and right at 1, when I was talking to the few regulars left. [Mostly Eric, who has always been my favorite.] Craig rolled in about 1:30 while we were cleaning. Ging kept crying, Becky kept mumbling French obscenities--I took a bit of joy in taking care of my girls and making sure Craig felt like a douche. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get ghetto in his face. I was calm. Hell, maybe I'm growing.

It's been a weird week. Yes, I've seen Garrett almost every day. Hung out with Jake.Got coffee with Austin. Getting lunch with Lauren and Ging here in a few hours. Talked to Beck n Boosh almost every night. I still feel off. I almost want to call Mrs. G. Call Eric. Hell, I'd even take some of the regulars I didn't like so much. And watching someone else make my coffee kinda hurts. [Mokabes was good, in that Ronnie let me behind the counter to do myself.] I miss our little family.

I need to work on getting myself out of this house and yet not spending money. It's easy for me to hide in here and wait to be drawn out.

...See, this is why I don't write much. I feel like I'm not making any sense. Where is my grasp on the English language lately?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

#27--The beginning of the end.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

IAG is closing. Friday, the last day. I will have worked the first day we opened, and will be the last one working on the last day. Eesh.

Put in an app at Sbux. I didn't want to, but...I need a job. I need to stay in coffee, or lose my sanity.

Things are complicated, rough, stupid, depressing. We've all been spending so much time at the store since the announcement Friday. It's weird to roll up there and not see at least one other kid not scheduled there.

I am struggling so hard. I keep hearing that this is a part of God's plan, that we all will look back and understand. I hear it. I appreciate what they're saying. However, I don't believe it. I can't believe it. All I see right now is chaos, uncertainty. Sadness.

I'm behind in school, again. I can't bring myself to anything but a sense of guilty apathy. I'm still not unpacked at the apartment. Yet...apathy. I'm feeling apathetic in just about every area of my life. I had pushed through a rough patch at work, and everything felt right as rain. Now, this.

I'm craving the loving smiles of friends right now, and there just seems to be an intense lack of it. We're all sad. There are so many people I'm going to miss. Not just other employees, but customers. My regulars who brighten my day. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from bashing my head against the wall is Mrs. G's smile, or a hilarious story from Eric, or Anthony's snarky comments. I just...what am I going to do without them?

Monetary worries are secondary, but oh so present.

I know me. I'll bounce back into another job. I'll grow to love it, and I'll always have fond memories of the mug. I know that I'm resilient and tough and the myriad of other things people have been telling me. but I feel none of that right now. I feel like a quivering mess of depressed and furious jello right now.

Blugh.