mer.

I feel like I need to write. I should write. I want to write.
however, I'm so braindead as of late, I just...I got nothing to say.

So. I'm not dead, just working a lot.
And there's not enough coffee to make me witty right now.
Thus, this is all you get.

Can(not) Complain.

Folding laundry on another Friday night, alone in an empty house, no plans. No one's calling, sporadically texting Katie (as per the usual) when I come across my Cardinals t-shirt. That stupid Cardinals shirt I bought only because Andy gave me so much shit when I'd go to games with him wearing random band shirts. Then my Kingshighway shirt. My Jankity Mug shirt.

Lost it. Totally started bawling.

I gave into the homesickness.

Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.

I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.

I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.

All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.

Dear Lord, FINALLY.

I was beginning to think that I'd never get a job...let alone a job that I actually am excited about. But...here I am.

Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.

Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.

I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.

His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.

This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.

In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.

So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: I have an interview tomorrow at Steam. Steam is a coffee shop that I've been stalking since I got here...right off the beach, has been here for ages, is super cute, indie, and just generally wonderful. THEY FINALLY CALLED. Let's hope they hire me.

Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.

He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.

So. Now what?

Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.

I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.

He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.

There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.

I hate being such a girl sometimes.

So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!

Eek.

Being a bridesmaid in Stephie's wedding will be good. I will be pretty and classy and not make a complete ass out of myself.

*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*

I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.

...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?

(I think she'd murder me.)

Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.

This is not your playground, it's my heart.

Keep your secrets in the dark,
nothing matters anymore
Body's breaking, drive me crazy
This is not your place
No, this is not your playground, it's my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Courage broken, lashed to scars
Can this love be what I want?
Body's breaking, driving me crazy, it's your fault.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens in blood.
Oh, so hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens

Become stronger juggernaut.
Answer me (did we take this too far?)
You've given all I could need (did we take this too far?)
Oh, but your kiss won't leave me be (did we take this too far?)
Cause your teeth just won't stop chewing out my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Here we are juggernauthttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Here we are juggernaut

--Coheed.

mer.

I'm a friggin idiot.

Overslept through the "audition." Tried to play it off by going in later...however, I'm not so sure that it's going to work. Which...is what it is.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself...there's no one else to point the finger at. I tried to go to bed, and just...was up. Watched the hours tick by. 10, 11, 12, 1, 2,3, 4... Barely was able to acknowledge my alarm, but somehow managed to shut it off.

I'm sitting here crying, because I'm just...angry. Angry at myself. It just feels like no matter what I do, I seem to sabotage myself.

So...it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.

Let's just see what happens.

"Watching it spin by, unbound through space. Watching them with an open mind..."

Familiar patterns.

Weird interview. Weird vibes. Will I take the job? I don't know, honestly. Will I get the job? I also don't know...and almost think not, because of the "audition" they're wanting me to do. Just seems strange to me.

The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)

I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.

Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.

I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.

Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.

No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.

:)

JOB INTERVIEEEEEW!
Tomorrow. at Indigo Coffee, a shop out in Tampa. It's kinda far, but...um, hai. I used to drive from Fenton to the Valley practically every day. Oh, and Ellisville. and the mall. I'm used to driving for work. NBD. Things might actually be turning around!

I need to keep focusing on the positives in my life right now. The interview. My support circle of wonderful friends and family. This beautiful scenery I've put myself in. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes on my back. The ability to work through things in my life. There's a sweet boy in my life who I enjoy and enjoys me. (and whose new favorite thing is "movie dates" with me...where we both end up watching the same movies to fall asleep to. So. Cute.)

All right. I gotta get moving on. I promise I will keep the world updated as things happen. For now...I need foodstuffs.

We're gonna turn this mess around....

Dear Boy,
Whatever doubts I had were squashed last night. You're wonderful. This situation currently kinda sucks, but...there's hope. Hope for the future. and well...knowing that we're both planning of a future that involves the other makes things so much easier. Makes it easier to know

Here's to tomorrow...or whatever gets us by. <3

my friends are wonderful.

I love Garrett. Seriously.
"What'd I fucking tell you? I TOLD YOU. I fucking called that shit SIX MONTHS AGO. I win."

...An ego after my own heart.

But great conversations tonight with both him and Greg, so. I'm happy.

And now, to go work on the Great Reorganization and maybe even sleep.

warning: a girly post.

In exactly two months from today, I'll be getting ready for Greg to get here the next morning. Will I know exactly what will happen? No. Of course not.

It's hard for me not to think of us as something more than friends, especially now that Brooke is out of the picture. Especially considering a lot of the things we've talked about. But. We've established that we both care about each other. However: 1)his engagement just ended a couple weeks ago 2)I am in Florida, he is in Memphis 3)I need to get my mental shit together, once and for all. 4)He needs to get his shit together, once and for all.

I just...I'm torn. It doesn't help that there are a TON of mixed signals happening. I think he's scared, rightfully so. I know I'm scared. This connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. Blows the past relationships out of the water...and this isn't even a real relationship. I've never spent six hours on the phone with anyone and had things to talk about the entire time. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt electricity when being around them...hell, even sometimes just thinking about him. He's on my mind...a lot. More often than not.

We've talked about things we want to do: touristy things, like the Dali Museum. He wants to meet my mum (has made a big deal about this actually, which I find strange...meeting parents always seems like such a *relationship* thing). He wants to go watch the sun set on the beach and drink wine. Take me out places. Spend plenty of time in bed, cuddling, watching movies, and...whatnot. There was even talk of a day trip to Disneyworld (I've never been and apparently this is flabbergasting to him...sorry, we grew up hella poor) and getting a hotel for the night. He actually pushed the trip back a couple of weeks "to make sure he had enough money to romance me properly."

However, this is nothing serious...just fun.

I don't understand. Am I supposed to?

Someone explain it to me.

I go back and forth between severe confusion and acceptance. At the end of the day, this is where we are in things. It's not going to change...at least til I can be with him, face to face.

I've talked to my mom about this a bit, and after stalking him on facebook, she has decided that she likes him and that basically I'm free to do whatever, but she is refusing to let me move until my mental status is better.

I just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

There's a word I want to use, but cannot bring myself to say aloud. Or even type. I just...I can't afford to acknowledge it.

...I think I'm in over my head.

a quick one.

I'll write a bit til I get a phone call from a certain boy. I just wanted to...I don't know.

I sat down with a paper journal last night/this morning (it was probably about 2am, so...yeah) and proceeded to pen the first short story I've written in months...hell, probably years. It's bad. Well...not bad, but...rough. I would like to edit it and probably post it here. It's been so long since I've done any sort of creative writing aside from random bloggy posts, and it was nice to sort of think in those terms again. Hopefully it'll be something I keep up with.

Had my first appointment with the counselor today. It was fine. I was paaaainfully nervous leading up to it, but he was a sweet, soft spoken man. We didn't get into things too deeply this first go-around, but I'm sure it'll happen in subsequent appointments.

Ah well. There goeth the phone. I'm off to talk to the boy.

brain vomit.

So. Greg more than likely is going to wait til October to come down. Which...sucks mildly, but I understand. He doesn't want to miss more class than he has to, and he's already going to more than likely take the day off that Wednesday to fly down. But he also talked about coming down for New Years, and having me come up for his spring break so we can go to Gatlinburg.

He and I spent six hours on the phone last night. Six. Intense. Some serious conversation, some silly conversation...a little bit of everything. We discussed what we wanted to do while he was here. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. A large part of me was hoping he'd call again tonight, but I don't want to bug him and now it's faaaar too late.

I'm confused. He confuses me. He says things that lead me to believe he wants to eventually get serious, but at the same time, says that he really doesn't, at least not for a long time. And once again, I get it--considering he just got out of an engagement and a several years long relationship less than a month ago.

I have my first psychologist appointment Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but I know it's something that needs to be done. Then going back to the psychiatrist later in the week to discuss medication. again.

Talked to my mom a little bit about the job thing and how I'm still kinda not really completely ready. And she understands, but wants me to keep looking. I'm just scared that I don't feel stable enough to be a reliable employee...and I don't want to fuck things up. I feel like crap having to leave several places off my resume in the first place.

and yet another boy has decided to profess his adoration of me...seriously. Why. Let's quit this. He's one of the StL kids, and well...he's sweet, but we had already established that things would go nowhere. So...I had to reiterate it, which made me feel like crap, but at the same time...needed to be done. He said basically that he understood, but felt better just coming out and sharing his feelings.

I can't help but wonder why now, I suppose. Why now have several boys in my life decided to look at me in a different way? And I can't help but wonder what I've done differently as of late to attract the attention...I'm not seeking it out. The only person I really sought out was Greg. It's always been about him, since I met him. Which...is an issue.

*sigh* I feel like writing right now isn't getting me anywhere. I need to sleep.

I really need to quit this.

Went out on a date with a really sweet guy. The only issue is that he is polyamorous, is married, has a kid. However, he and his wife are very open with each other about their other relationships. And well...I'm ok with that. As long as everyone is honest. and well, one date doesn't necessarily mean anything. And I'm me, which means slowness happens.

However, it's as if God wants to taunt me. Literally as I pull out of the parking lot after leaving this date, Greg calls, to talk to me about his trip. And we proceed to talk for two hours. It was great to hear his voice, and we talked, once again, what it will be like when he's here and how exciting it will be to be together again, this time with no restrictions.

After I get off the phone, dateboy had texted me several times, to tell me that he had a great time and that he really liked me and hoped to see me again. and I proceeded to feel like complete crap.


I'm an idiot, I'm realizing. I still have feelings for Greg. I should not be going out with other guys, no matter how much I think I'm over him. Because I'm not. The end. Which is dumb. I'm just asking for trouble. I'm asking to get my heart stepped on again.

When will I learn?

Apparently not soon enough.

Taking a break.

...from working on my reorganization of my digital music collection. (which has been ongoing since I got here. I've gotten almost everything organized, and am now in the process of relinking songs on my iTunes, which is tedious and time consuming.)

So, my roommate Paul has been unemployed since June of last year. He was let go from a graphics design firm after 20 years. Got a fatty severance package, and took six months off of life and got back into school to learn more about the web design aspect of graphics. He's still looking for a job...and well, the severance package is about gone. He's beginning to worry about how to continue paying for the house we live in, bills, the whole nine. He's had several interviews, several second interviews, third interviews, and yet...nothing. and while I've put in about a dozen applications various places, I have yet to receive a phone call from anywhere. Being unemployed is getting to both of us.

Been talking to Greg a lot since he and Brooke split. Which...is what it is. There's talk that he might come down to FL to visit me in September and/or October. Basically, we've established that we enjoy each other's company, but that the distance makes things hard. We've also established that both of us are really not in places where any sort of serious relationship is a good idea. (he's getting over Brooke in a strange way, and I'm trying to put myself back together) So. I adore him. He adores me. That's all we have, and frankly, all we need. We've now reached a point where we can be completely honest with each other from an emotional standpoint--which is awesome. He's spending the week in Alaska on a cruise with his family...and invited me to tag along, which would have been amazing. However, plane fare to meet up with them cost monies, and well...I lack monies. So. Still in Florida.

Been researching counselors and psychologists, and have narrowed it down to the one I think I'll be going to. He's close by, and his school of psychology is something I'm interested in, and think I'd be willing to work with. So, now it's a matter of figuring out the insurance stuff and scheduling an appointment. If the insurance aspect doesn't work out, I will be crabby. Seriously crabby.

I think I'm reaching the point where I need to start job hunting outside of coffee...I just really don't like the idea of working some shithole job that I will hate. As nerdy and weird as it sounds, coffee is my calling, my passion...and everything else I've tried, I've been able to do, but not necessarily succeed. I got by at Old Navy, but I hated it, and well...they weren't giant fans of me either. HT (both places) loved me, but at WestCo, I was generally awful at getting people to sign up for things and hated asking. Crestwood was whatever...I wasn't expected to sign people up for shit, because we all knew the store was closing. I just...I love coffee, I'm great at all aspects of it, I have a ton of experience...I didn't think that finding a job would be this difficult, to be honest. Oh well. I will find something when I am meant to find something, and until then, all I can do is continue looking and filling out applications.

*sigh*

Part of me is so ready to get back into the work force. The other part of me is terrified of screwing it up...or letting my depression screw it up. Kaldis and DC were both experiences that were immensely effected by my mental state at the time...and while I'm trying hard to get better, there are days where I'm not great. and well...I don't want to blow it again.

Mk. I need to attempt sleep. It's 4AM.

Florida...an update, I guess.

I haven't necessarily forgotten about this, I just...I don't know. I would love to say I've been busy, but I haven't. I would love to say...a lot, and yet...there's not a lot to say.

I'm down here. Florida. Sunshine, palm trees, beaches...the promise land. Chuck and I survived the trip, even without air conditioning, got my stuff moved into Paul's, got posters hung up, internet set up, and set up house. Living with Paul is nice. We get along well, a lot better than I expected, actually. He's a little moody and a bit on the needy side...which is fine, at this juncture, because I'm moody and have no life, so I can fill the needy part.

The job search has been fairly fruitless thus far...it's not for lack of trying. It's just that I seem to be striking out. Which is surprising to me...especially with Starbucks. Hell, that was my fallback option. And yet, no one's called.

Gone to the doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who has changed my medication. From Prozac to Cymbalta...which works with serotonin and norepinephrine receptors, instead of just serotonin. (an SNRI) (I've done some research into the brain chemistry aspect of both drugs...mostly because I'd like to know what's going in my body.) All my other meds have been suspended, because she seems to think that my panic attacks and anxiety will decrease on this new one. She also seems to think that this will help my insomnia, which she seems to think is depression-based. Which...I don't necessarily know if I fully believe or not, but norepinephrine deals a part in sleeping, so. Maybe. I've also basically been ordered to start seeing a psychologist or counselor, and am on the hunt for one now in my area. I haven't had a lot of luck in past situations with counseling, but...I guess I'll try again.

I joined up with one of those online dating sites, not necessarily to date or find a boyfriend, but honestly, to hang out with someone my own age. However, two different boys have taken me out, and then proceeded to drop off the face of the earth. Which is frustrating. That, combined with the number of random dudes sending me gross messages and annoying things like "ur teh hawtnez" ...I'm probably going to shut down my profile after I finish this. As much as I desire interaction with 20somethings, I don't think this was the way to go about it...which sucks. It's hard to meet people when you're broke, unemployed, and not in school.

There are days where I can't get out of bed. Where all I do is cry. Or have one panic attack after another. Fits of rage. Days where I don't leave my room, forget to eat, or do nothing but clean or something else obsessively. I've noticed that as of late, I'm losing things more often--physical items (such as shoes, my phone, and keys) and abstract things, such as my train of thought. My short-term memory seems to have completely disappeared. It's bizarre. I feel more "crazy" than ever. And while it's amazing to have my mom here, supporting me and loving me...I see her sometimes, gazing at me when she thinks I'm not paying attention, this look of pain on her face. I hurt her. My illness hurts her. I feel like a burden on her, both emotionally and financially. And that hurts me.

It's that feeling of being a burden that is the only real fire under my ass to pretend to be a functioning member of society. Getting a job, back in school, the whole lot. I honestly just want to focus on feeling less...*bad* and feeling better.

A very large part of me is distracted by Greg. Again, still? Yes, again. Still.
Another perfect example of my life. I spend months pouring myself and my best intentions into this weird relationship-friendship thing, we say our goodbyes, he goes his way, I go my way, and just when I've convinced myself that he's better off in his present situation...his engagement is broken off. I'm not sure who's done the breaking. I'm not sure where he n the girl stand. All I know is that I'm worried about him...and his flirting with me did not help the tiny shiver of hope that wiggled down my spine. Nor has anyone else's input...especially a former co-worker emailing me, telling me to "get on that, because he's crushed on me since the first day he met you." >_< GAAAAAH. This is not what I need to hear. This is not what I need to be thinking about. And right now, it's taking every ounce of self-control I can muster not to borrow some gas monies from my mum and drive up there to see him. Not to call him. Not to barrage him with texts and shit. I've made it clear that I'm here, if he wants to talk...but he should know me well enough to know that I run on caffeine, nicotine, worrying, and a pinch of visionary imagination. But I swing back and forth, side to side, and all over the place in trying to figure out how I feel, what I should do, and if I should even get involved. I told him this many a-times, and I've meant it every time: all I want for him is for him to be happy. With me, without me, with Brooke, alone, whatever. I have my ideas and preferences as to how to get him there, but...at the end of the day, not my life. All I can do is support him.

So.

I guess you're wondering if Florida's really a better place than the Lou. The answer right now, is an astounding cry of "I have no idea." But...I'm here now. So. All I can do is continue to try and make it work.

Signal in the Sky pt 2.

Two posts in one day?! OMGZ.
...whatever. I'm bored at work, and I got time to kill...and I just finished my book I brought along, so...whatevskis.

I have a couple of mental projects I want to start working on. One involving my music collection. One involving a photography thing. One involving some writing.

I'm realizing more and more that I need to start creating again and not just reveling of others' arts.

I gotta par back the world. Get back to basics.

I've reread this journal and my LJ from last summer...we know me, this is always a weird point of contemplation. Looking back. I'm so great at looking back. (this is something that cripples me from completely moving forward in life. I understand this.)

Who I was then and who I am now are vastly different. And who I was back then was a person struggling to deal with...silly things. Silly things that seemed big at the time. Philosophical dilemnas of religion...all based on some morbid curosity and some inherant guilt that I always deal with. Philosophical delusions of grandeur. I though I was some big-shot-coffee-indie-snob who was better than a lot of the situations I put myself in.

I think that's the thing that I'm really learning, have started to understand and learn from everything that has happened, from the house to IAG to the hospital to the boys to the alcohol abuse to the depression--the whole lot.

I am a good person. Yes. However, I fuck up. And more often than not, these fuck ups are MY FAULT. One of my biggest strengths is my weird sense of logic--I can logicize anything. I, however, have found myself for the past...well, twentysomeodd years using this power for EVIL. I can make anything be about someone else, and get myself off the hook.

I have this expectation of everyone around me to "own their shit"--ie, to be honest about the choices they're making...and yet, no one really wants to call me out on the fact that I'm not all that great at owning MY shit....that in fact, I'm actually quite bad at it.

So, in the next few weeks here in the Lou, and then onto Fl, this will be one of my biggest projects. Owning my shit.

Tonight, after I close here and drop off Chuck at the doctor, the work begins. I need to start crafting some things, some plans to make the next three weeks here part of owning my shit in regards to people and situations.

...

Mer. Well, for now, I should probably make a half hearted attempt at appearing to work whilst being at the mall. Laaaa di dah. I'm sure I'll be writing more, as the next month will be a big one.

<3

Signal in the Sky....

I'm done. With school, that is. Graduation is Saturday.
On one hand, I'm excited and proud. I accomplished SOMETHING.
On the other hand, it's an associate's degree, which to me feels...well, not all that real. Especially when my friends have been done with their B.A.s and a chunk of them are working on masters and PhDs and that mess.

If we knew anything about me, we'd have figured out that you do things on your own time.

Three weeks. Three weeks til the move. I'm still working at the mall...things ended up ending badly-ish at DC. Which...I don't particularly care. The place served its purpose, and when it stopped serving its purpose for me, I stopped serving my purpose for it. It is what it is.

I've been thinking a LOT about my journey here in the Lou. There's one person in particular that I've been thinking about...an old partner in crime. I've been thinking about how I did her wrong. Not just a little wrong...like intense amounts of meanness and fuckedup-edness. Manipulation. Bullying. Anger. Things I said, things I did...it was unfair. And you know what? She wasn't perfect either, but this is definitely one of those cases where my foul-ups definitely outweighed hers.

I've always been one of those people who refuses to apologize until I'm actually sorry. I think I might actually be sorry in the case of Katie. So...an apology is in order, somehow.

In other news.

CHUCK IS A BITCH. He's going BACK to the car doctor tomorrow...and I'm getting ready to spend MORE monies on him that I don't have. Considering all in all, I've spent 800 bucks on him over the past month and he's still not better....I wish I could get that money back, use it as a down payment for a shiny, new car.

Anyway.

As I have not posted any music for awhile [hell, I haven't posted much of ANYTHING here as of late], I'mma give y'all three mixes. I uploaded them recently for a friend of mine, so...enjoy!

www.mediafire.com/?9dfe5v0u0azvo25
www.mediafire.com/?tv2yt1kzafd3y7e
www.mediafire.com/?6s09j8405kmp9uw

and heeeeere's the suggested track listings:
www.mediafire.com/?w75lhxlxv4sbm45

All right. I gotta get ready for work.