Things happen for a reason.
Example: Once upon a time, there was a cute barista working at a coffee shop. She loved this job, but occasionally she got frustrated with it. There was a customer, an old man who said several inappropriate things to this cute barista. When she tried to talk to her boss and owner about the situation and explain that she was uncomfortable, the owner made the snide remark, "Work it for tips."
This angered the cute barista.
The barista loved her job, but did not want to work for a skeez-ball like the owner, and began looking for another job. She wandered into a mall, wandered into a Retail Establishment, and asked the manager if they were hiring. Turns out they were looking for seasonal help. She filled out an application, thinking maybe that spending less time at the coffee shop might help her, at least til she could find something full time.
She was hired at this particular retail establishment and soon after began her training. It was during this training that a lovely boy ran into the back office, interrupting the manager's droning speech about customer service. The cute barista and the lovely boy exchanged names and he made a joke that made her laugh. She liked him immediately.
The barista and the boy clicked, and the more they chatted, the more they grew to enjoy each other's company. One day this lovely boy asked her how she felt about a band. She had heard this band some, but hadn't given them a lot of time. She told him this, and he lent her a book that accompanied an album to read on a trip. This book and album gave her something to talk about with her ex-stepdad's girlfriend on this trip, thus making her look like the dutiful and wonderful daughter she always strived to be. This book also helped this girl to realize that she really liked this band, and upon her return, she downloaded the rest of their catalog, and listened incessantly.
However, this barista was not cut out for retail. She also realized that this cute boy had a fiance, and that she was in danger of getting far too emotionally attached. So, she put in her two weeks at this Retail Establishment and decided to focus on the coffee shop again. She tried to put distance between herself and the lovely boy, but it was hard, as they enjoyed each other's company. He'd come visit her at work. He asked her to spend time with him. She'd occasionally oblige, but tried her best to keep her distance and not ruin things.
Everything was fine until the manager of the coffee shop announced to her that the shop would be closing in a week. The cute barista was at a loss. This was her second home, her second family. What would she do? Where would she go?
The coffee shop closed, and the lovely boy was there on the last day, hugging her while she cried and pondered her future. The lovely boy was proving to be a good friend, someone who cared about her a lot.
Things got worse for the cute barista, as she lost her job, then her apartment, and then her mind. The lovely boy was never far away, checking in on her, making sure she was ok, and making her smile.
Things were hard for the cute barista and the Lovely boy. There were feelings there, feelings that couldn't be acted upon because of the Fiance. And while they both tried to deny it, things came to a head one New Years Eve, and the cute barista found herself in a tricky position. She didn't want to make this boy's life any more difficult than it already was, but at the same time, it killed her inside to watch him try and make things work with the Fiance when it was painfully obvious that they were not a good match. It made the cute barista sad.
The cute barista eventually found another job in another coffee shop. However, this *other* coffee shop was vastly different from her previous shop, and she hated it. After one particularly rough shift, the cute barista called her Mother crying.
"Mother, I cannot take any more of this. I'm miserable. I'm broke, losing my apartment and working a job I cannot stand. I'm unhappy with my position in life."
Her Mother sat on the phone silent for a second, then uttered the following.
"Maybe, Cute Barista, you should move to Florida. You'd be with me and I would be able to help you fix the things that are making you unhappy."
The cute barista took this suggestion under serious consideration. What was keeping the cute barista in her current town? Not much it seemed. The lovely boy and Fiance would be leaving soon. The cute barista was almost finished with school. She hated her job and needed a home. So, she called Mother back and told her that she would move to Florida, once the semester ended and her degree was obtained.
Things with the cute barista and the lovely boy were strained after the encounter and they did not speak as much. This was not to say that the lovely boy strayed far from her mind, but she also knew that she needed to back off before she messed up the boy's life even more than she already had.
The cute barista left for Florida a couple of months later, and found herself thinking about the boy as she drove through his former place of residence, which he loved so. She talked to him a bit that night, and it made her happy to hear from him.
She arrived in Florida and began trying to rebuild a life. She had a place to live with a Sunshine-filled Roommate. She also focused on rebuilding her mind, which involved lots of Doctors. This annoyed the cute barista, as she was not a fan of Doctors. She often found herself drifting off in thought and thinking about the lovely boy. She missed him a lot, and hoped he was doing well.
A few months later, out of the blue, the lovely boy got in touch with the cute barista. He dropped a news-bomb on her: his relationship with the Fiance was over. He was sad about this, but was also happy, in that he could do the things he wanted to do without having to compromise. This involved talking to the cute barista, as well as other activities.
The cute barista was overjoyed at the reemergence of the lovely boy in her life. This helped her to be happy, and thus helped her to get rid of a few of the Doctors in her life, as well as the Medicines and Therapy they forced her to do. The cute barista and lovely boy have planned several trips to be together, including one on New Years, the anniversary of that first connection.
None of this would have happened, if not for a snide remark and creepy old man's inappropriate behavior.
This case is rested.
[...Oh, and that band the lovely boy suggested to the cute barista? She drove four hours to see them in concert by herself, and they've become one of her music staples.]
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
"You don't meet nice girls in coffee shops..."
I have a job interview tomorrow with a law school campus coffee shop. I have an interview for a coffee shop that is just opening in Tampa on Wednesday. I'm also planning on going to *another* shop in Madeira Beach and dropping off a resume.
...because I got let go at AttB. Which sucks.
It's amiable. Well...about as amiable as I can be when I'm getting screwed over. But. There are no *real* hard feelings. I know me...I'll probably still roll in there and bug them often, as per everyone's request. I'm going in tomorrow to turn in my key and meet with Taylor. Hopefully, I'll have that bookstore job in the bag by then, and can feel ok about this. It's been one of those weekends where I've gone from crying in bed to smashing things to acceptance of this...all within two minutes.
But. I'm done emotionally reacting and am now in survival mode. (Although I grow weary of having to click into survival mode so often.)
My mom and Greg have both been super awesome at making sure I didn't lose my shit, as well as KT, who has seen me lose my shit so many times she should write a manual in handling me. (It would involve tacos and coffee, I'm sure.)
*sigh*
It may seem irresponsible, but I'm going to go ahead and book the boy's ticket for New Years. Honestly, I contemplated not doing it, but...this is something we both need. Yeah, this isn't a survival "food-water-shelter" kind of need, but moreso a mental health need. We both need a break, and we need to be together, even if it's just for a few days.
I also would like to know where my copy of the Royal Tennenbuams is. Stupid DVD-eating room. Happens every time I clean...I lose things.
Mk. I'm off to go watch movies and enjoy this cloudy day. I'll post an update after interviews, I'm sure.
...because I got let go at AttB. Which sucks.
It's amiable. Well...about as amiable as I can be when I'm getting screwed over. But. There are no *real* hard feelings. I know me...I'll probably still roll in there and bug them often, as per everyone's request. I'm going in tomorrow to turn in my key and meet with Taylor. Hopefully, I'll have that bookstore job in the bag by then, and can feel ok about this. It's been one of those weekends where I've gone from crying in bed to smashing things to acceptance of this...all within two minutes.
But. I'm done emotionally reacting and am now in survival mode. (Although I grow weary of having to click into survival mode so often.)
My mom and Greg have both been super awesome at making sure I didn't lose my shit, as well as KT, who has seen me lose my shit so many times she should write a manual in handling me. (It would involve tacos and coffee, I'm sure.)
*sigh*
It may seem irresponsible, but I'm going to go ahead and book the boy's ticket for New Years. Honestly, I contemplated not doing it, but...this is something we both need. Yeah, this isn't a survival "food-water-shelter" kind of need, but moreso a mental health need. We both need a break, and we need to be together, even if it's just for a few days.
I also would like to know where my copy of the Royal Tennenbuams is. Stupid DVD-eating room. Happens every time I clean...I lose things.
Mk. I'm off to go watch movies and enjoy this cloudy day. I'll post an update after interviews, I'm sure.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Money.
It's 3am. Right now I'm so hot, I'm contemplating shaving my head. It's also November 17th. (#firstworldfloridaproblems)
Speaking of first world problems, I'd like to do something I rarely do. (I don't think I've ever done, at least here) and take a second to respond to a blog posty a friend of mine wrote.
This friend of mine is probably one of the smartest, most hard working people I know. She's usually trucking around with two jobs and school, mostly art classes, which I am convinced after being connected with numerous art kids over the years, take way more work and dedication than more traditional non-creative classes. She's in an amazing relationship, lives on her own, is doing what she loves, has a great cuuute dog and apartment and a social life.
Oh, and she's generally broke off her ass.
And then there's me. I have a job, after months of searching. I make just above minimum wage with tips. I pay all of my bills myself, minus the phone bill, which I split with mom, because that's how family plans work, and rent. I don't pay my own rent. I hate this. However, my mother has offered to pay it, because there's no way I could honestly afford it on my own.
Pam wrote a blog about how...well, it's almost impossible to be financially thriving within our generation as twenty-somethings, either finishing up in school or graduated with a degree. We're *surviving*, but not thriving. and there are a lot of kids, like me, who cannot claim their full financial independence. Some of them, like me, dream of being able to do as such. and others...others don't mind the mooching off their parents.
This is something I wish I could understand.
I almost killed myself trying to make it on my own. Literally. Losing my job last year almost killed me, in that I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was working my ass off trying to afford just the bare minimum of bills and rent...and couldn't do it. I slept in my car, just to avoid trying to move back in with my grandparents. I sold some of my stuff to pawn shops and the like, trying to be able to come up with some sort of cushion. During all of this, my depression worsens (how could it not, given these circumstances?) and...well, I end up doing something stupid and going to the psych ward. Which was a pretty hard decision to make, one that I could barely make because of my fear of trying to pay for it.
I thank God every day for Beck and Garrett basically forcing me to go. In looking back, I'm glad I did. Because while it was an awful experience, I needed it. It was the tipping point, and I needed to own the fact that I could not do this on my own. I needed help, on a multitude of planes.
So, why rehash all of this shit that you already know, gentle reader? To prove a point.
I ACTUALLY MADE THE ATTEMPT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT.
Had it not been for IAG closing with such short notice and thus putting life into a pretty shitastic tailspin, I'd probably still be in my little apartment, on my own, struggling but making it back in the Lou.
These kids that are mooching off their parents, still, at my age...I cannot wrap my head around it. For the first time in my working life, I'm letting my mom help me financially in a semi-major way with my rent. This comes after years of lending her money, helping to pay her bills, even when she was states away, of going without to make sure that she was ok. In the divorce, she got rid of a giant financial burden: Bob. For the first time in her life, she is with a partner who understands what it means to LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, and that oh-so-simple concept that the bills get paid, and then the fun happens with whatever is left.
For the first time in a long time, she can actually afford to help me financially, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually afford to *let* her help me financially.
However, I refuse to let this be a forever kind of thing. Because, while I am grateful, every day, that she *understands* me well enough to know that I need some sort of independence and that while I love her, living with her would only make me feel worse about myself and my situation, I also hate the fact that I am a financial burden. She understood how awful living with my grandparents all that time was, not because of the actual living situation (because they're great, despite the little tiffs we had, which happen) but because I felt like such a huge burden on them.
Why do so many people my age not have that? That burden feeling? Why do they feel entitled to have their parents take care of them, still, at my age and beyond?
Which brings me back to shaving my head due to the heat.
Right now, Paul's unemployed, still. It's been almost a year and a half of him trying to find a job in his field. His unemployment benefits are about to run out, so...we're cutting back on a lot. Including air conditioning, which, if you've ever been to Florida, you know is pretty effin important. Hence, why it's 85 degrees in here, and I can't sleep because I'm melting, and I'm sitting here, ranting about financial independence at 4am. But you know what?
I may be melting, but hell, at least I'm living within my means.
Speaking of first world problems, I'd like to do something I rarely do. (I don't think I've ever done, at least here) and take a second to respond to a blog posty a friend of mine wrote.
This friend of mine is probably one of the smartest, most hard working people I know. She's usually trucking around with two jobs and school, mostly art classes, which I am convinced after being connected with numerous art kids over the years, take way more work and dedication than more traditional non-creative classes. She's in an amazing relationship, lives on her own, is doing what she loves, has a great cuuute dog and apartment and a social life.
Oh, and she's generally broke off her ass.
And then there's me. I have a job, after months of searching. I make just above minimum wage with tips. I pay all of my bills myself, minus the phone bill, which I split with mom, because that's how family plans work, and rent. I don't pay my own rent. I hate this. However, my mother has offered to pay it, because there's no way I could honestly afford it on my own.
Pam wrote a blog about how...well, it's almost impossible to be financially thriving within our generation as twenty-somethings, either finishing up in school or graduated with a degree. We're *surviving*, but not thriving. and there are a lot of kids, like me, who cannot claim their full financial independence. Some of them, like me, dream of being able to do as such. and others...others don't mind the mooching off their parents.
This is something I wish I could understand.
I almost killed myself trying to make it on my own. Literally. Losing my job last year almost killed me, in that I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was working my ass off trying to afford just the bare minimum of bills and rent...and couldn't do it. I slept in my car, just to avoid trying to move back in with my grandparents. I sold some of my stuff to pawn shops and the like, trying to be able to come up with some sort of cushion. During all of this, my depression worsens (how could it not, given these circumstances?) and...well, I end up doing something stupid and going to the psych ward. Which was a pretty hard decision to make, one that I could barely make because of my fear of trying to pay for it.
I thank God every day for Beck and Garrett basically forcing me to go. In looking back, I'm glad I did. Because while it was an awful experience, I needed it. It was the tipping point, and I needed to own the fact that I could not do this on my own. I needed help, on a multitude of planes.
So, why rehash all of this shit that you already know, gentle reader? To prove a point.
I ACTUALLY MADE THE ATTEMPT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT.
Had it not been for IAG closing with such short notice and thus putting life into a pretty shitastic tailspin, I'd probably still be in my little apartment, on my own, struggling but making it back in the Lou.
These kids that are mooching off their parents, still, at my age...I cannot wrap my head around it. For the first time in my working life, I'm letting my mom help me financially in a semi-major way with my rent. This comes after years of lending her money, helping to pay her bills, even when she was states away, of going without to make sure that she was ok. In the divorce, she got rid of a giant financial burden: Bob. For the first time in her life, she is with a partner who understands what it means to LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, and that oh-so-simple concept that the bills get paid, and then the fun happens with whatever is left.
For the first time in a long time, she can actually afford to help me financially, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually afford to *let* her help me financially.
However, I refuse to let this be a forever kind of thing. Because, while I am grateful, every day, that she *understands* me well enough to know that I need some sort of independence and that while I love her, living with her would only make me feel worse about myself and my situation, I also hate the fact that I am a financial burden. She understood how awful living with my grandparents all that time was, not because of the actual living situation (because they're great, despite the little tiffs we had, which happen) but because I felt like such a huge burden on them.
Why do so many people my age not have that? That burden feeling? Why do they feel entitled to have their parents take care of them, still, at my age and beyond?
Which brings me back to shaving my head due to the heat.
Right now, Paul's unemployed, still. It's been almost a year and a half of him trying to find a job in his field. His unemployment benefits are about to run out, so...we're cutting back on a lot. Including air conditioning, which, if you've ever been to Florida, you know is pretty effin important. Hence, why it's 85 degrees in here, and I can't sleep because I'm melting, and I'm sitting here, ranting about financial independence at 4am. But you know what?
I may be melting, but hell, at least I'm living within my means.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Halloween, the 24th edition
No, my blogglings, I didn't forget about you. I've just been a busy girl, in that whole way that I don't do much and yet manage to kill lots of time.
So...updates...updates...
All right.
Update #1: Mama n Dave got a puppy! Her name is Britta, she's a sevenish month old husky/German Shepard mix, and my absolute new favorite thing in life. I love this friggin dog. So. Effin. Much. She's a GIANT spaz, chewing everything and everyone in existence.
How on Earth can you say no to this face?
Update #2: Speaking of pets, Schubs is in the process of downsizing her animal collection, and I'm going to be adopting this little fuzzy bunnyball. Chewie's always been my favorite, and I never thought that I'd be taking in the little guy, but holy jeez, I'm super excited. He's going to be making the trip down to Florida with Katie when she comes to visit. (Of which she will be paid in hugs, my cooking, and sushi.) I'm so excited to have this little guy become part of my little family.
Update #3: The Cardinals won the World Series! Somehow, some way, I got dragged into watching the playoffs and caring about baseball for once. I have a feeling it has something to do with this goofball here.
...speaking of that goofball, things are great. We talk all the time, skype has been really awesome in making him feel a little less far away, and well...I'm working on getting the monies together to trip up to see him as soon as I can. He makes me smile....ok, he makes me grin like a complete doofus. There have been a lot of little things that make feel comfortable and secure in this...whatevership. The connection between us is definitely growing, and I just...I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, aside from the fact that things are good, he's amazing, and I cannot wait to see him, whenever that ends up being.
Update #4: Burgy the Bridesmaid strikes! Stephie, one of my oldest and dearest friends, asked me if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and well...I agreed. She knows me, knows that I will be awkward and goofy and has come to terms with the fact that most of her wedding pictures will have faces and awkwardness like this in them.
But in all honesty...the dress is actually quite pretty. I don't hate it. I just need to get it altered, because it's huge on me.
Update #5: Work is awesome. I love my job. Been there about a month, and well...I'm SO glad to NOT be working at Steam. I'm STILL trying to get this woman to pay me for the two weeks I was there, which is driving me batty. I need that money for a trip to Memphis (or to catch up on my student loans...whichever strikes my fancy)...and well, her deadline of November first is here. If it's not in my mailbox today, I start getting authorities and business codes on her ass. It's been over a month, and well...it doesn't take six weeks to mail a durn check. The end.
Update #6: I've come to a place where I feel like I can comfortably stop going to therapy. It wasn't a decision I came to lightly, and talked about it ad nauseum with my mom and a few close compatriots. For now, I'm going to keep going with the medication, but...honestly, I've been forgetting to take it a lot as of late. oops.
Honestly, I'm happy. I'm a bit lonely at times with my friends being so scattered across the country, but you know what? They still love me, I still love them, and well...there's a reason I'm paying so much for this durn phone, and on the internet, and bought this webcam. I'll make friends when I'm meant to make friends, and that's that.
I have another writing project I've been brainstorming and planning, as well as the merchandising project at work, the photo-collage project I've been trying to get together, and of course, the Great Reorganization, which STILL needs finishing. I've got three or four books I've been reading, practicing poker online, gaming, and playing with the pupster.
All right. It's 2:30 in the morning, I should try and get some sleep...or at least enjoy the fact that there are copious amounts of horror movies on cable, for once. I love Halloween.
I'll be better about writing, promise. :)
So...updates...updates...
All right.
Update #1: Mama n Dave got a puppy! Her name is Britta, she's a sevenish month old husky/German Shepard mix, and my absolute new favorite thing in life. I love this friggin dog. So. Effin. Much. She's a GIANT spaz, chewing everything and everyone in existence.
How on Earth can you say no to this face?
Update #2: Speaking of pets, Schubs is in the process of downsizing her animal collection, and I'm going to be adopting this little fuzzy bunnyball. Chewie's always been my favorite, and I never thought that I'd be taking in the little guy, but holy jeez, I'm super excited. He's going to be making the trip down to Florida with Katie when she comes to visit. (Of which she will be paid in hugs, my cooking, and sushi.) I'm so excited to have this little guy become part of my little family.
Update #3: The Cardinals won the World Series! Somehow, some way, I got dragged into watching the playoffs and caring about baseball for once. I have a feeling it has something to do with this goofball here.
...speaking of that goofball, things are great. We talk all the time, skype has been really awesome in making him feel a little less far away, and well...I'm working on getting the monies together to trip up to see him as soon as I can. He makes me smile....ok, he makes me grin like a complete doofus. There have been a lot of little things that make feel comfortable and secure in this...whatevership. The connection between us is definitely growing, and I just...I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, aside from the fact that things are good, he's amazing, and I cannot wait to see him, whenever that ends up being.
Update #4: Burgy the Bridesmaid strikes! Stephie, one of my oldest and dearest friends, asked me if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and well...I agreed. She knows me, knows that I will be awkward and goofy and has come to terms with the fact that most of her wedding pictures will have faces and awkwardness like this in them.
But in all honesty...the dress is actually quite pretty. I don't hate it. I just need to get it altered, because it's huge on me.
Update #5: Work is awesome. I love my job. Been there about a month, and well...I'm SO glad to NOT be working at Steam. I'm STILL trying to get this woman to pay me for the two weeks I was there, which is driving me batty. I need that money for a trip to Memphis (or to catch up on my student loans...whichever strikes my fancy)...and well, her deadline of November first is here. If it's not in my mailbox today, I start getting authorities and business codes on her ass. It's been over a month, and well...it doesn't take six weeks to mail a durn check. The end.
Update #6: I've come to a place where I feel like I can comfortably stop going to therapy. It wasn't a decision I came to lightly, and talked about it ad nauseum with my mom and a few close compatriots. For now, I'm going to keep going with the medication, but...honestly, I've been forgetting to take it a lot as of late. oops.
Honestly, I'm happy. I'm a bit lonely at times with my friends being so scattered across the country, but you know what? They still love me, I still love them, and well...there's a reason I'm paying so much for this durn phone, and on the internet, and bought this webcam. I'll make friends when I'm meant to make friends, and that's that.
I have another writing project I've been brainstorming and planning, as well as the merchandising project at work, the photo-collage project I've been trying to get together, and of course, the Great Reorganization, which STILL needs finishing. I've got three or four books I've been reading, practicing poker online, gaming, and playing with the pupster.
All right. It's 2:30 in the morning, I should try and get some sleep...or at least enjoy the fact that there are copious amounts of horror movies on cable, for once. I love Halloween.
I'll be better about writing, promise. :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
mer.
I feel like I need to write. I should write. I want to write.
however, I'm so braindead as of late, I just...I got nothing to say.
So. I'm not dead, just working a lot.
And there's not enough coffee to make me witty right now.
Thus, this is all you get.
however, I'm so braindead as of late, I just...I got nothing to say.
So. I'm not dead, just working a lot.
And there's not enough coffee to make me witty right now.
Thus, this is all you get.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Can(not) Complain.
Folding laundry on another Friday night, alone in an empty house, no plans. No one's calling, sporadically texting Katie (as per the usual) when I come across my Cardinals t-shirt. That stupid Cardinals shirt I bought only because Andy gave me so much shit when I'd go to games with him wearing random band shirts. Then my Kingshighway shirt. My Jankity Mug shirt.
Lost it. Totally started bawling.
I gave into the homesickness.
Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.
I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.
I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.
All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.
Lost it. Totally started bawling.
I gave into the homesickness.
Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.
I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.
I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.
All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Dear Lord, FINALLY.
I was beginning to think that I'd never get a job...let alone a job that I actually am excited about. But...here I am.
Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.
Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.
I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.
His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.
This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.
In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.
So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.
Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.
Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.
I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.
His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.
This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.
In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.
So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Good news, bad news.
Good news: I have an interview tomorrow at Steam. Steam is a coffee shop that I've been stalking since I got here...right off the beach, has been here for ages, is super cute, indie, and just generally wonderful. THEY FINALLY CALLED. Let's hope they hire me.
Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.
He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.
So. Now what?
Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.
I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.
He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.
There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.
I hate being such a girl sometimes.
So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!
Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.
He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.
So. Now what?
Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.
I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.
He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.
There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.
I hate being such a girl sometimes.
So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Eek.
Being a bridesmaid in Stephie's wedding will be good. I will be pretty and classy and not make a complete ass out of myself.
*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*
I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.
...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?
(I think she'd murder me.)
Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.
*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*
I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.
...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?
(I think she'd murder me.)
Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
This is not your playground, it's my heart.
Keep your secrets in the dark,
nothing matters anymore
Body's breaking, drive me crazy
This is not your place
No, this is not your playground, it's my heart.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Courage broken, lashed to scars
Can this love be what I want?
Body's breaking, driving me crazy, it's your fault.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens in blood.
Oh, so hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens
Become stronger juggernaut.
Answer me (did we take this too far?)
You've given all I could need (did we take this too far?)
Oh, but your kiss won't leave me be (did we take this too far?)
Cause your teeth just won't stop chewing out my heart.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Here we are juggernauthttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Here we are juggernaut
--Coheed.
nothing matters anymore
Body's breaking, drive me crazy
This is not your place
No, this is not your playground, it's my heart.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Courage broken, lashed to scars
Can this love be what I want?
Body's breaking, driving me crazy, it's your fault.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens in blood.
Oh, so hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens
Become stronger juggernaut.
Answer me (did we take this too far?)
You've given all I could need (did we take this too far?)
Oh, but your kiss won't leave me be (did we take this too far?)
Cause your teeth just won't stop chewing out my heart.
We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Here we are juggernauthttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Here we are juggernaut
--Coheed.
Monday, August 29, 2011
mer.
I'm a friggin idiot.
Overslept through the "audition." Tried to play it off by going in later...however, I'm not so sure that it's going to work. Which...is what it is.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself...there's no one else to point the finger at. I tried to go to bed, and just...was up. Watched the hours tick by. 10, 11, 12, 1, 2,3, 4... Barely was able to acknowledge my alarm, but somehow managed to shut it off.
I'm sitting here crying, because I'm just...angry. Angry at myself. It just feels like no matter what I do, I seem to sabotage myself.
So...it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.
Let's just see what happens.
Overslept through the "audition." Tried to play it off by going in later...however, I'm not so sure that it's going to work. Which...is what it is.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself...there's no one else to point the finger at. I tried to go to bed, and just...was up. Watched the hours tick by. 10, 11, 12, 1, 2,3, 4... Barely was able to acknowledge my alarm, but somehow managed to shut it off.
I'm sitting here crying, because I'm just...angry. Angry at myself. It just feels like no matter what I do, I seem to sabotage myself.
So...it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.
Let's just see what happens.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Familiar patterns.
Weird interview. Weird vibes. Will I take the job? I don't know, honestly. Will I get the job? I also don't know...and almost think not, because of the "audition" they're wanting me to do. Just seems strange to me.
The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)
I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.
Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.
Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.
I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.
Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.
No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.
The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)
I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.
Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.
Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.
I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.
Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.
No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
:)
JOB INTERVIEEEEEW!
Tomorrow. at Indigo Coffee, a shop out in Tampa. It's kinda far, but...um, hai. I used to drive from Fenton to the Valley practically every day. Oh, and Ellisville. and the mall. I'm used to driving for work. NBD. Things might actually be turning around!
I need to keep focusing on the positives in my life right now. The interview. My support circle of wonderful friends and family. This beautiful scenery I've put myself in. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes on my back. The ability to work through things in my life. There's a sweet boy in my life who I enjoy and enjoys me. (and whose new favorite thing is "movie dates" with me...where we both end up watching the same movies to fall asleep to. So. Cute.)
All right. I gotta get moving on. I promise I will keep the world updated as things happen. For now...I need foodstuffs.
Tomorrow. at Indigo Coffee, a shop out in Tampa. It's kinda far, but...um, hai. I used to drive from Fenton to the Valley practically every day. Oh, and Ellisville. and the mall. I'm used to driving for work. NBD. Things might actually be turning around!
I need to keep focusing on the positives in my life right now. The interview. My support circle of wonderful friends and family. This beautiful scenery I've put myself in. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes on my back. The ability to work through things in my life. There's a sweet boy in my life who I enjoy and enjoys me. (and whose new favorite thing is "movie dates" with me...where we both end up watching the same movies to fall asleep to. So. Cute.)
All right. I gotta get moving on. I promise I will keep the world updated as things happen. For now...I need foodstuffs.
Monday, August 22, 2011
We're gonna turn this mess around....
Dear Boy,
Whatever doubts I had were squashed last night. You're wonderful. This situation currently kinda sucks, but...there's hope. Hope for the future. and well...knowing that we're both planning of a future that involves the other makes things so much easier. Makes it easier to know
Here's to tomorrow...or whatever gets us by. <3
Whatever doubts I had were squashed last night. You're wonderful. This situation currently kinda sucks, but...there's hope. Hope for the future. and well...knowing that we're both planning of a future that involves the other makes things so much easier. Makes it easier to know
Here's to tomorrow...or whatever gets us by. <3
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
my friends are wonderful.
I love Garrett. Seriously.
"What'd I fucking tell you? I TOLD YOU. I fucking called that shit SIX MONTHS AGO. I win."
...An ego after my own heart.
But great conversations tonight with both him and Greg, so. I'm happy.
And now, to go work on the Great Reorganization and maybe even sleep.
"What'd I fucking tell you? I TOLD YOU. I fucking called that shit SIX MONTHS AGO. I win."
...An ego after my own heart.
But great conversations tonight with both him and Greg, so. I'm happy.
And now, to go work on the Great Reorganization and maybe even sleep.
warning: a girly post.
In exactly two months from today, I'll be getting ready for Greg to get here the next morning. Will I know exactly what will happen? No. Of course not.
It's hard for me not to think of us as something more than friends, especially now that Brooke is out of the picture. Especially considering a lot of the things we've talked about. But. We've established that we both care about each other. However: 1)his engagement just ended a couple weeks ago 2)I am in Florida, he is in Memphis 3)I need to get my mental shit together, once and for all. 4)He needs to get his shit together, once and for all.
I just...I'm torn. It doesn't help that there are a TON of mixed signals happening. I think he's scared, rightfully so. I know I'm scared. This connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. Blows the past relationships out of the water...and this isn't even a real relationship. I've never spent six hours on the phone with anyone and had things to talk about the entire time. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt electricity when being around them...hell, even sometimes just thinking about him. He's on my mind...a lot. More often than not.
We've talked about things we want to do: touristy things, like the Dali Museum. He wants to meet my mum (has made a big deal about this actually, which I find strange...meeting parents always seems like such a *relationship* thing). He wants to go watch the sun set on the beach and drink wine. Take me out places. Spend plenty of time in bed, cuddling, watching movies, and...whatnot. There was even talk of a day trip to Disneyworld (I've never been and apparently this is flabbergasting to him...sorry, we grew up hella poor) and getting a hotel for the night. He actually pushed the trip back a couple of weeks "to make sure he had enough money to romance me properly."
However, this is nothing serious...just fun.
I don't understand. Am I supposed to?
Someone explain it to me.
I go back and forth between severe confusion and acceptance. At the end of the day, this is where we are in things. It's not going to change...at least til I can be with him, face to face.
I've talked to my mom about this a bit, and after stalking him on facebook, she has decided that she likes him and that basically I'm free to do whatever, but she is refusing to let me move until my mental status is better.
I just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
There's a word I want to use, but cannot bring myself to say aloud. Or even type. I just...I can't afford to acknowledge it.
...I think I'm in over my head.
It's hard for me not to think of us as something more than friends, especially now that Brooke is out of the picture. Especially considering a lot of the things we've talked about. But. We've established that we both care about each other. However: 1)his engagement just ended a couple weeks ago 2)I am in Florida, he is in Memphis 3)I need to get my mental shit together, once and for all. 4)He needs to get his shit together, once and for all.
I just...I'm torn. It doesn't help that there are a TON of mixed signals happening. I think he's scared, rightfully so. I know I'm scared. This connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. Blows the past relationships out of the water...and this isn't even a real relationship. I've never spent six hours on the phone with anyone and had things to talk about the entire time. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt electricity when being around them...hell, even sometimes just thinking about him. He's on my mind...a lot. More often than not.
We've talked about things we want to do: touristy things, like the Dali Museum. He wants to meet my mum (has made a big deal about this actually, which I find strange...meeting parents always seems like such a *relationship* thing). He wants to go watch the sun set on the beach and drink wine. Take me out places. Spend plenty of time in bed, cuddling, watching movies, and...whatnot. There was even talk of a day trip to Disneyworld (I've never been and apparently this is flabbergasting to him...sorry, we grew up hella poor) and getting a hotel for the night. He actually pushed the trip back a couple of weeks "to make sure he had enough money to romance me properly."
However, this is nothing serious...just fun.
I don't understand. Am I supposed to?
Someone explain it to me.
I go back and forth between severe confusion and acceptance. At the end of the day, this is where we are in things. It's not going to change...at least til I can be with him, face to face.
I've talked to my mom about this a bit, and after stalking him on facebook, she has decided that she likes him and that basically I'm free to do whatever, but she is refusing to let me move until my mental status is better.
I just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
There's a word I want to use, but cannot bring myself to say aloud. Or even type. I just...I can't afford to acknowledge it.
...I think I'm in over my head.
Monday, August 15, 2011
a quick one.
I'll write a bit til I get a phone call from a certain boy. I just wanted to...I don't know.
I sat down with a paper journal last night/this morning (it was probably about 2am, so...yeah) and proceeded to pen the first short story I've written in months...hell, probably years. It's bad. Well...not bad, but...rough. I would like to edit it and probably post it here. It's been so long since I've done any sort of creative writing aside from random bloggy posts, and it was nice to sort of think in those terms again. Hopefully it'll be something I keep up with.
Had my first appointment with the counselor today. It was fine. I was paaaainfully nervous leading up to it, but he was a sweet, soft spoken man. We didn't get into things too deeply this first go-around, but I'm sure it'll happen in subsequent appointments.
Ah well. There goeth the phone. I'm off to talk to the boy.
I sat down with a paper journal last night/this morning (it was probably about 2am, so...yeah) and proceeded to pen the first short story I've written in months...hell, probably years. It's bad. Well...not bad, but...rough. I would like to edit it and probably post it here. It's been so long since I've done any sort of creative writing aside from random bloggy posts, and it was nice to sort of think in those terms again. Hopefully it'll be something I keep up with.
Had my first appointment with the counselor today. It was fine. I was paaaainfully nervous leading up to it, but he was a sweet, soft spoken man. We didn't get into things too deeply this first go-around, but I'm sure it'll happen in subsequent appointments.
Ah well. There goeth the phone. I'm off to talk to the boy.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
brain vomit.
So. Greg more than likely is going to wait til October to come down. Which...sucks mildly, but I understand. He doesn't want to miss more class than he has to, and he's already going to more than likely take the day off that Wednesday to fly down. But he also talked about coming down for New Years, and having me come up for his spring break so we can go to Gatlinburg.
He and I spent six hours on the phone last night. Six. Intense. Some serious conversation, some silly conversation...a little bit of everything. We discussed what we wanted to do while he was here. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. A large part of me was hoping he'd call again tonight, but I don't want to bug him and now it's faaaar too late.
I'm confused. He confuses me. He says things that lead me to believe he wants to eventually get serious, but at the same time, says that he really doesn't, at least not for a long time. And once again, I get it--considering he just got out of an engagement and a several years long relationship less than a month ago.
I have my first psychologist appointment Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but I know it's something that needs to be done. Then going back to the psychiatrist later in the week to discuss medication. again.
Talked to my mom a little bit about the job thing and how I'm still kinda not really completely ready. And she understands, but wants me to keep looking. I'm just scared that I don't feel stable enough to be a reliable employee...and I don't want to fuck things up. I feel like crap having to leave several places off my resume in the first place.
and yet another boy has decided to profess his adoration of me...seriously. Why. Let's quit this. He's one of the StL kids, and well...he's sweet, but we had already established that things would go nowhere. So...I had to reiterate it, which made me feel like crap, but at the same time...needed to be done. He said basically that he understood, but felt better just coming out and sharing his feelings.
I can't help but wonder why now, I suppose. Why now have several boys in my life decided to look at me in a different way? And I can't help but wonder what I've done differently as of late to attract the attention...I'm not seeking it out. The only person I really sought out was Greg. It's always been about him, since I met him. Which...is an issue.
*sigh* I feel like writing right now isn't getting me anywhere. I need to sleep.
He and I spent six hours on the phone last night. Six. Intense. Some serious conversation, some silly conversation...a little bit of everything. We discussed what we wanted to do while he was here. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. A large part of me was hoping he'd call again tonight, but I don't want to bug him and now it's faaaar too late.
I'm confused. He confuses me. He says things that lead me to believe he wants to eventually get serious, but at the same time, says that he really doesn't, at least not for a long time. And once again, I get it--considering he just got out of an engagement and a several years long relationship less than a month ago.
I have my first psychologist appointment Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but I know it's something that needs to be done. Then going back to the psychiatrist later in the week to discuss medication. again.
Talked to my mom a little bit about the job thing and how I'm still kinda not really completely ready. And she understands, but wants me to keep looking. I'm just scared that I don't feel stable enough to be a reliable employee...and I don't want to fuck things up. I feel like crap having to leave several places off my resume in the first place.
and yet another boy has decided to profess his adoration of me...seriously. Why. Let's quit this. He's one of the StL kids, and well...he's sweet, but we had already established that things would go nowhere. So...I had to reiterate it, which made me feel like crap, but at the same time...needed to be done. He said basically that he understood, but felt better just coming out and sharing his feelings.
I can't help but wonder why now, I suppose. Why now have several boys in my life decided to look at me in a different way? And I can't help but wonder what I've done differently as of late to attract the attention...I'm not seeking it out. The only person I really sought out was Greg. It's always been about him, since I met him. Which...is an issue.
*sigh* I feel like writing right now isn't getting me anywhere. I need to sleep.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I really need to quit this.
Went out on a date with a really sweet guy. The only issue is that he is polyamorous, is married, has a kid. However, he and his wife are very open with each other about their other relationships. And well...I'm ok with that. As long as everyone is honest. and well, one date doesn't necessarily mean anything. And I'm me, which means slowness happens.
However, it's as if God wants to taunt me. Literally as I pull out of the parking lot after leaving this date, Greg calls, to talk to me about his trip. And we proceed to talk for two hours. It was great to hear his voice, and we talked, once again, what it will be like when he's here and how exciting it will be to be together again, this time with no restrictions.
After I get off the phone, dateboy had texted me several times, to tell me that he had a great time and that he really liked me and hoped to see me again. and I proceeded to feel like complete crap.
I'm an idiot, I'm realizing. I still have feelings for Greg. I should not be going out with other guys, no matter how much I think I'm over him. Because I'm not. The end. Which is dumb. I'm just asking for trouble. I'm asking to get my heart stepped on again.
When will I learn?
Apparently not soon enough.
However, it's as if God wants to taunt me. Literally as I pull out of the parking lot after leaving this date, Greg calls, to talk to me about his trip. And we proceed to talk for two hours. It was great to hear his voice, and we talked, once again, what it will be like when he's here and how exciting it will be to be together again, this time with no restrictions.
After I get off the phone, dateboy had texted me several times, to tell me that he had a great time and that he really liked me and hoped to see me again. and I proceeded to feel like complete crap.
I'm an idiot, I'm realizing. I still have feelings for Greg. I should not be going out with other guys, no matter how much I think I'm over him. Because I'm not. The end. Which is dumb. I'm just asking for trouble. I'm asking to get my heart stepped on again.
When will I learn?
Apparently not soon enough.
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