Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Third time's a charm.

[I loathe this cliche, mostly because it makes negative sense.]

This is a quick one, mostly b/c I really need to get back to homework. Talked out some things with G today. Really helpful. Also listened. Really helpful for him, methinks.

Spent some time driving around contemplating the conversations. I haven't completely reached a conclusion by any stretch, but...a step in the right direction.

I am just going day by day. I cannot waste time looking back on things. I need to look forward.

and with that, back to the homework.

[I'll post an extra song next time. I don't want to waste time uploading it now.]

Monday, February 1, 2010

...than the second one.

I did not mean to ignore you, new friend. This is my life, it is busy, it is crazy, it is mine.

The second entry is always harder than the first, because you spend the first entry introducing...something. Why you're writing, who you are, yadda. The second post is where the real work begins, so to speak.

Winter is doing its normal winter thing to me. Not very many people know my mental afflictions, and I do a pretty good job of keeping them under wraps. Most people who meet me can see the A.D.D. fairly quickly, but very few people know about my diagnosis of Dysthymia. This disorder is basically a low grade form of depression that lasts for years at a time, very rarely letting up, and sometimes spiraling into major depressive episodes.

Suffice it to say, it's life-affecting. Not to mention annoying.

The irony of it is that very few people know, and very few people would ever even put it together. I've become very good at putting on the front of normality [so to speak.] I haven't had a major depressive episode in two years...however, the effects of the last episode are still much with me, and I am still trying to put my life back together in some ways.

I'm always concerned that I will have more episodes. There isn't much I can do about it from a medical standpoint--medicine, therapy, doctors--all cost money and insurance, and I have neither.

I don't understand why I've been struck with this particular form of depression. Depression and anxiety disorders run in my family, prevalent on my mother's side. I know little about my biological father's side of the family to know for sure.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because I'm struggling to hide things. People are starting to question it. Some of my closest friends haven't the slightest idea. They just know that I went batty a couple years back and seemed to recover fine. I'm functioning. I go to work, I go to school For now.

I cannot help but see these warning signs, and I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm tired, so I sleep. But is it too much? My insomnia flares back up, then goes away, and I'll sleep whenever I'm not at work. I'm trying really hard to avoid abusing substances like I did, which hasn't been a problem thus-far. I'm trying to remain social, but the idea of isolation just seems better and better, than worse and worse.

I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be there for the people in my life who I care about, and I don't want to be a burden.

So...I just handle things, day by day and pray to God or whoever's listening that this does not turn into another huge ordeal that I spend years putting back together.

I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know this more than most. Everything I have, I've worked really hard to keep and appreciate from the bottoms of my feet to the tippy-top of my head and beyond.

Please don't let me screw this up any further.

Anyway, here's a song. That's all I have for now. <3

The Beatles--I Want You [She's so Heavy]
http://www.mediafire.com/?jijy2o4jtdm