my life as of recent has consisted of the following:
workclasshomeworknapworkworkredtreeworkworkworkworkclasshomeworknapcoffee.
Moving out is being put on hold for a moment to help take care of my grandparents. Which...I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm totally cool with, it's fine, I'm more than happy to do it. In all reality, the immature baby part of me is totally pouting and fussing about it, saying things like "I've spent the last three years dealing with their shenanigans! It's not fair, right on the cusp of my freedom!"
But...they've helped me, and now it's my chance to return the favor. And a month isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things. I'm just whining, as usual.
mk. I'll update soon, promise. I just have too much to do right now. <3
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
#23: We interrupt your blog reading for a daily dose of...
freaking out.
IDON'TWANTTOGOYOUCAN'TMAKEMEITHINKIWILLJUSTMISSMYFLIGHTIDON'TWANTTODOTHIS.
I'm being a child. I'm aware.
Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
I'll be in Ohio for the weekend. FML.
IDON'TWANTTOGOYOUCAN'TMAKEMEITHINKIWILLJUSTMISSMYFLIGHTIDON'TWANTTODOTHIS.
I'm being a child. I'm aware.
Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
I'll be in Ohio for the weekend. FML.
Friday, August 6, 2010
#22.
Oh hai.
I didn't forget you, per se. Everything is a balancing act for me, and well...I've had some problems balancing as of late. Struggling to get in enough to even relax, let alone write and be with my thoughts...though, in a way, I cannot let myself be frustrated by this. This is exactly the way I've created my life to be. This is the only way I seem to function without indulging myself too much in my own depression and depravity.
I just kind of need a moment to freak out about a few things, and then I can polish the mask of busy-ness and continue on with my life.
I'm going to Ohio to see Bob [ex-stepdad/legal dad] next weekend. I'm freaking out about this mostly because...I don't want to go. It's not a convenient time, a lot of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, I will need to be getting READY for school, I need to be working as much as possible, all that. It's just not great timing. He wants me to meet his new live-in girlfriend. Which...I'm not sure how to handle. I'm not stupid. This is the woman who had a large part in destroying my parents' marriage. While I've come to terms with the fact that this is definitely better for both of them to be apart, it's still bothersome. Bob and I have always had some major issues in our relationship [mostly a lack of understanding of how the other one thinks and functions] and this makes things hard. We don't mesh well, the end. But at the same time...he's making an effort. He extended this invitation, he's the one making it happen, so I have to accept and go and hope for my sanity and survival.
School. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm not even really that worried about my classes, per se. I'm worried that I won't have time to even think about them. I'm worried that once again my brain will mis-prioritize [this is now a word] and school will end up floating towards the bottom. I can't do this. I need to focus on my education. School is such a frustrating subject for me. I'm 23, and I'm working on getting my associate's. I hate that it took so long for me to take school somewhat seriously, and even now I feel like a joke and a failure. No matter how I rationalize it, being at JeffCo is EMBARRASSING. I came to St. Louis on a full academic scholarship for Maryville University, a prestigious private school and fast forward five years, and I'm at JeffCo. Yes, circumstances happen, mental breakdowns happen, life happens. I hate that I'm embarrassed in the first place. In all honesty, I'm proud that I went back to school after all that. I'm proud of the fact that I chose to save some money and take care of things while I decided what I needed most from my education. I guess it's just awkward that half of my friends don't even actually know that I'm at JeffCo. They think I'm still at UMSL. And well...let em think it. At least that's a bit less embarrassing...but in all reality, I need to get over myself. I will be done at JeffCo in May. I will have a degree, and I will be en route to get my business degree at UMSL.
I have other stuff I want to write about, but I reeeeeeally need to get to sleep. Working a double tomorrow and stopping by the IAG party after work version 2.0. Busy busy day. I promise to finish this update this weekend. :)
I didn't forget you, per se. Everything is a balancing act for me, and well...I've had some problems balancing as of late. Struggling to get in enough to even relax, let alone write and be with my thoughts...though, in a way, I cannot let myself be frustrated by this. This is exactly the way I've created my life to be. This is the only way I seem to function without indulging myself too much in my own depression and depravity.
I just kind of need a moment to freak out about a few things, and then I can polish the mask of busy-ness and continue on with my life.
I'm going to Ohio to see Bob [ex-stepdad/legal dad] next weekend. I'm freaking out about this mostly because...I don't want to go. It's not a convenient time, a lot of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, I will need to be getting READY for school, I need to be working as much as possible, all that. It's just not great timing. He wants me to meet his new live-in girlfriend. Which...I'm not sure how to handle. I'm not stupid. This is the woman who had a large part in destroying my parents' marriage. While I've come to terms with the fact that this is definitely better for both of them to be apart, it's still bothersome. Bob and I have always had some major issues in our relationship [mostly a lack of understanding of how the other one thinks and functions] and this makes things hard. We don't mesh well, the end. But at the same time...he's making an effort. He extended this invitation, he's the one making it happen, so I have to accept and go and hope for my sanity and survival.
School. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm not even really that worried about my classes, per se. I'm worried that I won't have time to even think about them. I'm worried that once again my brain will mis-prioritize [this is now a word] and school will end up floating towards the bottom. I can't do this. I need to focus on my education. School is such a frustrating subject for me. I'm 23, and I'm working on getting my associate's. I hate that it took so long for me to take school somewhat seriously, and even now I feel like a joke and a failure. No matter how I rationalize it, being at JeffCo is EMBARRASSING. I came to St. Louis on a full academic scholarship for Maryville University, a prestigious private school and fast forward five years, and I'm at JeffCo. Yes, circumstances happen, mental breakdowns happen, life happens. I hate that I'm embarrassed in the first place. In all honesty, I'm proud that I went back to school after all that. I'm proud of the fact that I chose to save some money and take care of things while I decided what I needed most from my education. I guess it's just awkward that half of my friends don't even actually know that I'm at JeffCo. They think I'm still at UMSL. And well...let em think it. At least that's a bit less embarrassing...but in all reality, I need to get over myself. I will be done at JeffCo in May. I will have a degree, and I will be en route to get my business degree at UMSL.
I have other stuff I want to write about, but I reeeeeeally need to get to sleep. Working a double tomorrow and stopping by the IAG party after work version 2.0. Busy busy day. I promise to finish this update this weekend. :)
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