Signal in the Sky pt 2.

Two posts in one day?! OMGZ.
...whatever. I'm bored at work, and I got time to kill...and I just finished my book I brought along, so...whatevskis.

I have a couple of mental projects I want to start working on. One involving my music collection. One involving a photography thing. One involving some writing.

I'm realizing more and more that I need to start creating again and not just reveling of others' arts.

I gotta par back the world. Get back to basics.

I've reread this journal and my LJ from last summer...we know me, this is always a weird point of contemplation. Looking back. I'm so great at looking back. (this is something that cripples me from completely moving forward in life. I understand this.)

Who I was then and who I am now are vastly different. And who I was back then was a person struggling to deal with...silly things. Silly things that seemed big at the time. Philosophical dilemnas of religion...all based on some morbid curosity and some inherant guilt that I always deal with. Philosophical delusions of grandeur. I though I was some big-shot-coffee-indie-snob who was better than a lot of the situations I put myself in.

I think that's the thing that I'm really learning, have started to understand and learn from everything that has happened, from the house to IAG to the hospital to the boys to the alcohol abuse to the depression--the whole lot.

I am a good person. Yes. However, I fuck up. And more often than not, these fuck ups are MY FAULT. One of my biggest strengths is my weird sense of logic--I can logicize anything. I, however, have found myself for the past...well, twentysomeodd years using this power for EVIL. I can make anything be about someone else, and get myself off the hook.

I have this expectation of everyone around me to "own their shit"--ie, to be honest about the choices they're making...and yet, no one really wants to call me out on the fact that I'm not all that great at owning MY shit....that in fact, I'm actually quite bad at it.

So, in the next few weeks here in the Lou, and then onto Fl, this will be one of my biggest projects. Owning my shit.

Tonight, after I close here and drop off Chuck at the doctor, the work begins. I need to start crafting some things, some plans to make the next three weeks here part of owning my shit in regards to people and situations.

...

Mer. Well, for now, I should probably make a half hearted attempt at appearing to work whilst being at the mall. Laaaa di dah. I'm sure I'll be writing more, as the next month will be a big one.

<3

Signal in the Sky....

I'm done. With school, that is. Graduation is Saturday.
On one hand, I'm excited and proud. I accomplished SOMETHING.
On the other hand, it's an associate's degree, which to me feels...well, not all that real. Especially when my friends have been done with their B.A.s and a chunk of them are working on masters and PhDs and that mess.

If we knew anything about me, we'd have figured out that you do things on your own time.

Three weeks. Three weeks til the move. I'm still working at the mall...things ended up ending badly-ish at DC. Which...I don't particularly care. The place served its purpose, and when it stopped serving its purpose for me, I stopped serving my purpose for it. It is what it is.

I've been thinking a LOT about my journey here in the Lou. There's one person in particular that I've been thinking about...an old partner in crime. I've been thinking about how I did her wrong. Not just a little wrong...like intense amounts of meanness and fuckedup-edness. Manipulation. Bullying. Anger. Things I said, things I did...it was unfair. And you know what? She wasn't perfect either, but this is definitely one of those cases where my foul-ups definitely outweighed hers.

I've always been one of those people who refuses to apologize until I'm actually sorry. I think I might actually be sorry in the case of Katie. So...an apology is in order, somehow.

In other news.

CHUCK IS A BITCH. He's going BACK to the car doctor tomorrow...and I'm getting ready to spend MORE monies on him that I don't have. Considering all in all, I've spent 800 bucks on him over the past month and he's still not better....I wish I could get that money back, use it as a down payment for a shiny, new car.

Anyway.

As I have not posted any music for awhile [hell, I haven't posted much of ANYTHING here as of late], I'mma give y'all three mixes. I uploaded them recently for a friend of mine, so...enjoy!

www.mediafire.com/?9dfe5v0u0azvo25
www.mediafire.com/?tv2yt1kzafd3y7e
www.mediafire.com/?6s09j8405kmp9uw

and heeeeere's the suggested track listings:
www.mediafire.com/?w75lhxlxv4sbm45

All right. I gotta get ready for work.