Signal in the Sky pt 2.

Two posts in one day?! OMGZ.
...whatever. I'm bored at work, and I got time to kill...and I just finished my book I brought along, so...whatevskis.

I have a couple of mental projects I want to start working on. One involving my music collection. One involving a photography thing. One involving some writing.

I'm realizing more and more that I need to start creating again and not just reveling of others' arts.

I gotta par back the world. Get back to basics.

I've reread this journal and my LJ from last summer...we know me, this is always a weird point of contemplation. Looking back. I'm so great at looking back. (this is something that cripples me from completely moving forward in life. I understand this.)

Who I was then and who I am now are vastly different. And who I was back then was a person struggling to deal with...silly things. Silly things that seemed big at the time. Philosophical dilemnas of religion...all based on some morbid curosity and some inherant guilt that I always deal with. Philosophical delusions of grandeur. I though I was some big-shot-coffee-indie-snob who was better than a lot of the situations I put myself in.

I think that's the thing that I'm really learning, have started to understand and learn from everything that has happened, from the house to IAG to the hospital to the boys to the alcohol abuse to the depression--the whole lot.

I am a good person. Yes. However, I fuck up. And more often than not, these fuck ups are MY FAULT. One of my biggest strengths is my weird sense of logic--I can logicize anything. I, however, have found myself for the past...well, twentysomeodd years using this power for EVIL. I can make anything be about someone else, and get myself off the hook.

I have this expectation of everyone around me to "own their shit"--ie, to be honest about the choices they're making...and yet, no one really wants to call me out on the fact that I'm not all that great at owning MY shit....that in fact, I'm actually quite bad at it.

So, in the next few weeks here in the Lou, and then onto Fl, this will be one of my biggest projects. Owning my shit.

Tonight, after I close here and drop off Chuck at the doctor, the work begins. I need to start crafting some things, some plans to make the next three weeks here part of owning my shit in regards to people and situations.

...

Mer. Well, for now, I should probably make a half hearted attempt at appearing to work whilst being at the mall. Laaaa di dah. I'm sure I'll be writing more, as the next month will be a big one.

<3