Folding laundry on another Friday night, alone in an empty house, no plans. No one's calling, sporadically texting Katie (as per the usual) when I come across my Cardinals t-shirt. That stupid Cardinals shirt I bought only because Andy gave me so much shit when I'd go to games with him wearing random band shirts. Then my Kingshighway shirt. My Jankity Mug shirt.
Lost it. Totally started bawling.
I gave into the homesickness.
Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.
I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.
I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.
All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Dear Lord, FINALLY.
I was beginning to think that I'd never get a job...let alone a job that I actually am excited about. But...here I am.
Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.
Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.
I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.
His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.
This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.
In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.
So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.
Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.
Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.
I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.
His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.
This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.
In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.
So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Good news, bad news.
Good news: I have an interview tomorrow at Steam. Steam is a coffee shop that I've been stalking since I got here...right off the beach, has been here for ages, is super cute, indie, and just generally wonderful. THEY FINALLY CALLED. Let's hope they hire me.
Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.
He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.
So. Now what?
Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.
I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.
He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.
There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.
I hate being such a girl sometimes.
So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!
Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.
He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.
So. Now what?
Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.
I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.
He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.
There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.
I hate being such a girl sometimes.
So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Eek.
Being a bridesmaid in Stephie's wedding will be good. I will be pretty and classy and not make a complete ass out of myself.
*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*
I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.
...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?
(I think she'd murder me.)
Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.
*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*
I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.
...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?
(I think she'd murder me.)
Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.
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