So, it's been three months since I've posted anything here. It's not necessarily for lack of trying...apparently I've started half a dozen or so entries, and just quit halfway through. (I just cleaned out a bunch of drafts.) I have a hard time sitting down and trying to write when more and more I feel as though I have nothing to say.
I've been down here a year. Well, now almost 14 months. I don't know how to feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about it. Florida still feels like a new album to me...I haven't given it enough listens yet to really make a decision, but so far...I'm not impressed. Which is concerning. However. It's also very much my own fault. I've made little to no effort in getting out and experiencing the world around me.
I've spent the last 14 months trying to convince everyone that I'm sane, that my depression and crazy is behind me, finally, and that I've beat my own mental demons into submission. The truth is, I ALWAYS think that this time is *the* time, this is the point in which I give up being crazy and realize that Thoreau is right, that it's time to lead my life of quiet desperation and accept that I'll go to the grave with song and fight still in me...that it's time to give up and just accept adulthood for the quiet, soul sucking misadventure that it isn't. I'm not sure where I stand on the mental health front. I go to work, I do the things I'm supposed to do...I've carefully constructed a world in which very little is required of me. I've spent so much time and effort putting forth the appearance of being and seeming normal, that maybe it's just become habit to the point where it worked. Maybe sanity, for my sake, is just the ability to run on auto-pilot and convince myself it works. Then again...maybe I lose my shit in another year. You never know.
IAG has strangely been in my thoughts a lot as of the past few days. Facebook and the like has made it easier to keep a loose grip on those people and their general whereabouts and the like these days. I find myself getting really angry these days at Craig. It's really easy to cast the blame of my situation on him. If he hadn't closed the store, I'd still be in the Lou. I'd still be there. I'd have my financial independence, my physical and emotional independence. I'd go to one of those schools and finish up my degree there, and still be able to have a social life. It's so easy to cast the blame of my whole situation on him. However, this is real life, and real life is never that fucking simple.
I think part of the reason why IAG has popped into my head is because of my realization that I don't want to be a barista. I don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I'm stuck, because when you've spent the last 8 years of your life doing something, and you're not qualified or certified to do anything else...you're stuck. I want out of this job. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm trapped in this weird world where I'm forced to take orders and do the bitchwork for people in management who are less qualified to be there. Frankly, it's disheartening to take orders from an apathetic 21 year old. It's disheartening to have a lazy 17 year old as a work peer. It's hard to watch yet another business fail, knowing that I have the tools to make it run more smoothly, and maybe even save it from its inevitable demise. My ability to care seems to be stuck in a mode of absolutes--I absolutely care, or I absolutely don't. It varies from day to day, but I can't seem to get it to be some healthy shade of gray. (hurr hurr.)
I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm just genetically dispositioned to have a dark and cynical outlook....such an outlook often goes hand in hand with superior intellect. Which is disappointing, but also seems to make sense. With a better understanding of the world and how it works comes a better, more obvious view of its faults. I wonder if this knowledge will bring me to some tragic, exciting demise down the road. Probably not.
This is probably not the best image to project after falling off the blogging map for as long as I did. Things are probably not nearly as bleak as they seem here--I'm far too apathetic these days to be this bleak. I'm getting over being sick, which always seems to do a number on my happy chemicals.
Things are not as bad as they seem--a new car will be happening soon, the school year will start, I've made a few local friends....things aren't awful.
All right. I'm tired. It's time for sleep.
