Oh, Bloggity. I've missed you. I pulled you up quite a few times, stared at a blank screen, and realized I'd rather be doing something else. You're not a chore, per se, just that with me and writing, there's always an element of mind-digging that I'm not always in the mood for. That being said, I feel like I need some mind-digging right now, as this dilemma is...a big one. In a weird way.
But first, a few quick updates since February. (ugh. I'm a failure)
-I finished up the semester like a champ. ish. but whatever. I passed everything with fairly decent grades, and am moving onto senior year. (Whatever that means. Credit-wise, I've been a senior for a couple of years now.)
-After sending out hundreds (I'm not even exaggerating--I quit counting around 225) of resumes, I received one callback from a nearby coffee shop on the beach. *le sigh* So after my promises to never work for an indie shop or in coffee again, I'm rocking my barista pants. The place is fun, the people I work for are great, and there's been no drama with getting paid or co-workers or owners or anything. I like it.
-I'm not even sure if I was a part of FYAE the last time I wrote here. But. James asked me at some point to help him run his music page FYAE, and it's been on ever since. We've more than doubled our followship since I took part, we've done some interviews with some amazing musicians, and have even gotten major label albums sent to us for review. AND AND AND...guest list tickets for the Portugal. The Man show in Orlando in October. There are moments I want to punch James for being needy and bossy, but for the most part, he and I work well together and this has become just as important to me as it is to him. We've got Jen working on a logo for us, there's talk of us building a real website, and...good things. This is my other job, it feels like. The job where I get paid in "likes" instead of money.
-I joined a gym a few weeks ago, and have lost six pounds so far. I don't like working out, I still hate vegetables, and am crabby about not putting half-n-half in my coffee, but this is something I've needed to do for a long ass time, and I'm doing my best to make it a priority.
That's it for the easily listed stuff, I think. Onto the more complicated things, of which, mainly, there are three.
While I'm super duper stoked at the idea of graduating, the whole intense fear of "What next?" is definitely there. Grad school isn't exactly on the table right now, and...well, my degree on its own is pretty useless as far as getting me into a psychology-related job. I'm trying to remain positive here, but it's hard when...well, you're me. This is multiplied when I consider the fact that I have no idea where I'll be living next year.
Which brings me to the next thing: the relationship thing. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on things, life throws a wrench in my gears. Out of nowhere, I get a facebook message from Ian, who I haven't heard from in years. Our relationship back then was...complicated, to say the least. We ended things on a rough note--a dispute over religious beliefs, which...I won't get into at this point. Regardless. He facebooked me with a heartfelt apology, and we've since reconnected. At first it was fairly innocent catching up, but flirting has happened on both ends, which...gives me the guilt. It doesn't help that right now Greg and I are in another "not speaking all that often due to schedules" spiral. It's lead to me to a lot of questioning. I don't particularly want to go out and replace Greg with another long distance situation, but at the same time, I find myself getting angrier and more frustrated, and Ian has paid a lot of attention to me as of late. It's confusing.
There are pros and cons to each person, in regards to the contemplation of the relationship. Even just from a personality standpoint. Greg and I work in very similar fashions and have very similar life views and personalities. There are vast differences on the surface, but the important things mesh well. Ian and I operate differently in a lot of ways--he's extremely extroverted, he's very serious (compared to Greg, who is my goofball counterpart), and has a conservative streak that I don't have. I also really have no desire to live in Indiana--none. Indy's not my home anymore and I really have no emotional attachment to it.
I don't know. The whole thing is confusing and complicated, and I keep wondering if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. My plan right now is just let things happen as they will and see where it takes me. I don't know what will happen, but for now, I'm just trying to make sure that I make the best decision for me in the long run.
I don't know, Bloggy. I wanna keep writing, but I'm tired and my brain is full. I think I'll pick this up later.
