Money.

So...I'm quitting smoking. and eating. and driving anywhere that isn't work. I'll only wash my hair every other day. I won't buy anything I don't need, and even then....
I'm going to start selling movies. maybe my tv and ps2.

I'm getting a second job. I'm giving up my life.

I just can't seem to cut it money-wise.

what more can I do?

Long Long Long...

It's been a long long long time,
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you.

It took a long long long time
Now I'm so happy I found you
How I love you

So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you.
Ooh I love you.


This song still breaks my heart a little.
I'm realizing that my heart's still a little broken, regardless.

I want to bomb my fridge.

I start at Kaldi's tomorrow. It's just orientation, yay paperwork...but still. We're working our way out of the darkness that has been the last month.

I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.

I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.

Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.

...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.

I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.

But I really fucking hate yogurt.

irony is just a tool.

Had an interview at Lone Wolf last weekend. Weird vibes from the place. Weird vibes from the manager. Weird, icky vibes in general from this.

Have an interview at Kaldi's on Friday. I feel good about this one. Talking to the manager, even on the phone, I felt warm. He sounded like a ray of sunshine.

It's been strange, to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't since the store closed. I'm not entirely surprised about the results. Garrett and I have leaned on each other hard the past few months, way before the store closing and all that. I'm not particularly sure how--it was like we woke up one day and realized the other was there, REALLY there. I've seen him plenty, we talk plenty. I'm happy about this. Becky and Christian are making sure to stick around in my life thusfar. Which is great.

Everyone else has been pretty elusive. This is really all the more I want to talk about it, because, honestly, it upsets me.

I have a stack of business cards from regulars on my desk, people that wanted me to keep in touch and all that. I think I'll send out emails later today, after I go register for class.

It's strange. There are some days that I find myself really missing the STORE, really missing those people in particular, all that, but I've realized in all honesty the thing I miss the most is my own mental stability concerning money. I didn't realize how much this would effect me, effect my mindset. These highs and lows are getting to me, wearing me out. I don't think anyone has really put it together how much this has messed me up. Granted, one of the things I'm best at is pushing that shit down and putting on a happy face when I have to. This is why every time I lose my mind, no one expects it.

I'm worried if things don't change soon for the better, that another round of crazy is to come.

Here's a song. I know I've been bad about posting music, but I haven't necessarily been able to wrap my head around what it is that I've been listening to as of late. It changes. The Ascetic Junkies are a mainstay. I want their new album desperately, but I don't have the 8 bucks to get it, so I have to keep myself entertained with the old stuff. This song in particular, never used to be one of my favorites, is now speaking to me volumes.

http://www.mediafire.com/?865h13cjlov13b5