I start at Kaldi's tomorrow. It's just orientation, yay paperwork...but still. We're working our way out of the darkness that has been the last month.
I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.
I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.
Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.
...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.
I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.
But I really fucking hate yogurt.
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