...I feel like I'm stuck in some universe in which I am constantly being punk'd. Where...I don't even know anymore. I just find myself looking up at the heavens, throwing my hands up in the air, shaking my head and laughing....in that awkward, frustrated "I'm laughing to keep from crying" sort of laughter.
Let me go on record as to saying that I hate facebook. I hate boys and facebook. I hate boys with no spine, and facebook.
You do not tell someone that you're in a psuedo-relationship with that you're actually dating someone else via facebook. And not even directly on facebook....just a relationship status update.
Holy crap.
I've been trying to process this for over two weeks now, and in all honesty, I'm good. I'm livid, I'm heartbroken, I'm upset, but....I'm good. I did not do the things that people expected of me, like the following:
a)Go batshit fucking crazy depressed suicidal.
b)Go batshit fucking crazy angry threatening his life.
c)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something drastic, like drive up there.
d)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something ruin-his-life evil.
I think most people expected a. And I've had some of my friends wish for b and d. But...I just can't bring myself to...not necessarily *care* that much, because I do care, but...what does it accomplish? Not a damn thing, aside from making me look insane. Of which I have spent the last eight or so months trying to convince the world that I'm NOT. Thus.
I don't know what to say to him. I did not expect him to text me out of the blue, after not hearing from him for so long. I also did not expect to text about Bonaroo, like everything is find and dandy. ...Are you KIDDING ME?! I didn't know what to say. Hell, I was so flabbergasted and cracked out on Nyquil that I almost responded.
...
And now, my mom keeps pushing online dating and the whole boyfriend thing. Which would be a solution for some people. We've tried this. I generally loathe it and it accomplishes nothing for me but a free meal (or cup of coffee) and someone's number in my phone who I forget who they are about two weeks later. I've never had that situation work out. I'm never who they seem to think I'll be, in that...well, I'm me. I'm awkward the first time around. I either come off as super bitchy and egotistical, or so goofy that I leave you wondering if I have mild mental retardation, or so painfully shy that you're almost certain I have mild mental retardation. (When in all reality, I'm somewhere in between these three.) I just...no. I contemplated it for about two days, and then mentally put my foot down. No, nein, nyet, no.
That, on top of the fact that I live at a job I despise, and I've been massively sick the past couple of days...ugh. Plus, what down time I do have I waste. I'm beginning to wonder when the time comes and I do have to be social, if I'm even going to remember how to do it. I mean...crimany. All I do is Netflix, internet, read, write, or videogame. and well...with my computer being as craptastic as it is, writing and internet-ing have been less and less. I don't want to tell you how many seasons of American Dad I've watched in the past three days. It's embarrassing.
Things will get better, and I need to get out of this rut. So. Over spring break, I'm going to St. Louis and reconnecting with my life there. I haven't decided if this will help anything *here* per se, but...I just know at this point, I need some massive coffee-conversations with someone who knows who the friggin Fleet Foxes are.
I feel as though this isn't too much to ask. But apparently it is, because I have to drive to St. Louis to get it.
...
I just keep telling myself that things will get better. I've never had this problem with making friends before...but then again, I've always had built-in ways to make friends, like school and work. And while I have a job...I don't particularly want to get involved in all that. I just keep praying that school will make things easier...or at the very least, even if I don't get friends out of it, that I will at least get enough to do to where I can feel productive and not so incredibly loser-y.
...
I know there's got to be at least one person in this friggin city who will accept my willing friendship. One.
Ugh. I'm taking some nyquil and going to sleep. I'm putting another day out of its misery.
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