It's a warm Wednesday night. I have a test tomorrow that I really should be studying for, and instead I just had a lovely chat with Lesley and my mum. Both conversations were highly necessary for my sanity, even if it's cut into study-time.
I've been in such a struggle with friendships the past two years. Every time, I get up, dust myself off and keep on going. There were some friendships that were harder than others. In strange ways, I'm still very much in mourning for all of them. You never want someone to leave your life, especially on less-than-stellar terms. I just think that college and this early-20s stage is all about change and growing up, and we've all managed to catch onto this at different points.
Losing Clay will be hard, in the strangest of ways. It will also be easier in a way, because he has already made a point to remove himself from my life. I had backed off to give him space to let him emote what he needed, and I'm wondering in hindsight if this was the best idea. This is the first friendship completely destroyed by a job. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What sadly few people realize is that this isn't just a job to get me through school. This is the career path I'm choosing, and this is a major stepping stone to reach the ultimate goal of owning my own coffee shop. I know that people think this is a weird or stupid goal to have, but in all honesty...they don't know my life. They don't realize how often coffee and conversation has saved my life, or led me to some great epiphany. How much passion I actually have for this. And I think Clay didn't realize it least of all. He wondered why I wasn't calm and low key and well...because I can only cut so much slack for your newness for so long before I develop expectations from you.
I will miss him. I will miss a lot of aspects of our friendship. Even just the dependability of it. We could always count on each other, if nothing else. As usual, I will give myself through the weekend to mourn, and then move forward. I will refuse to be sad, I will refuse to dedicate more time to it, I will refuse to waste my energy on it. I can't.
I've watched as all of my major friendships formed while I've been in St. Louis have been picked off one by one. Now all I'm left with are Laura and the friends I've made from work. I almost find myself wondering if this is sort of a sign from larger powers. If this is a time for me to be refocusing myself, or a time to be out meeting new people. I'm proud of myself for this lately. Granted, meeting Tanji wasn't exactly a choice, and getting to know her hasn't been completely a conscious choice, but even without Laura, you would enjoy her company. She makes you laugh. She's goofy. You also went out with Courtney, knowing you wouldn't know the vast majority of the people in attendance. And you didn't, and while you weren't the life of the party, you left relatively unscathed and...yeah. You stepped out of your comfort zone and then some, Burgs. We were proud of you.
I feel as if I'm reaching a crossroads in life. I keep having this internal struggle with what I want to be, what I believe. I feel as though I am no closer to answers, but just asking questions is a good place to start. But in removing most of these old friendships from my life, a lot of judgment is removed. Which is pretty neat. Laura is one of the few people I know who would never judge me in a mean way. We have way too much mutual respect for that.
I still miss them though.
I'll post a song next time. I really need to get back to studying.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Post #5
I won't have much time, as PK is in the shower, but...
I think I've finally made some really big decisions as to the direction of my life. Putting plans in place now. I need to reach out to the right people, do a bit of research, but...this week has really been eye opening for me in a myriad of ways.
I wish I had the time to explain this, to explain my confusion, my thought process, the whole nine.
Belle and Sebastian helped in a strange way. Music always has a way of becoming relevant at interesting points.
Belle and Sebastian: My Wandering Days Are Over.
http://www.mediafire.com/?1v2jyqlzegl
Much love. <3
I think I've finally made some really big decisions as to the direction of my life. Putting plans in place now. I need to reach out to the right people, do a bit of research, but...this week has really been eye opening for me in a myriad of ways.
I wish I had the time to explain this, to explain my confusion, my thought process, the whole nine.
Belle and Sebastian helped in a strange way. Music always has a way of becoming relevant at interesting points.
Belle and Sebastian: My Wandering Days Are Over.
http://www.mediafire.com/?1v2jyqlzegl
Much love. <3
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Entry Four waits no more.
[I promise to quit with cheesy blog titles.]
I bet you thought I'd forget about this, didn'tcha? Welp, too bad haters.
Once again, I have to apologize about my flakiness in updating this. Trrrust me when I say that I have been *extremely* busy, and just trying to keep my handle on things.
The sun is out! It's WARM. That familiar emotional warmth of sunshine is spreading through my little burgyveins, and for once, I'm beginning to feel all right. [People with various forms of depression often are super affected by the lack of vitamins and serotonin that we collect from sunshine.] I can almost guarantee that the next month will be the happiest I will be all year, just from ODing on sunshine. And that is hella exciting. I love this time of year, where life kicks back in, coats go back in the closet, and we get to pull out the frisbee.
Been dealing with a lot of strange things lately. After a year and a half together, Laura and Caitlin broke up. I've been trying to be there for both of them, keeping two of the few friendships I have in tact, and it's been hard. I understand why it happened, I know it's for the best, but it's been stressful being around to watch Laura act out [per se] and Caitlin break down.
My parents have officially signed the divorce papers, and to be honest, this is one situation that I really am cool with. My mom needs this, she needs to man up and be a strong independent sister like I know she can. I love my mom to death; she is absoLUTEly one of my favorite people in life. My stepdad and I have never really seen eye to eye with each other, and he is a negative force in my life that I do not need. I know that deep down, he loves me, and he just has a strange way of showing it...[you know...emotional abuse and the like] and this does not help my wavering mind.
School is going really well, and I enjoy it, for the most part. I hate going, I hate being there, I hate doing homework, I hate thinking about it. BUT. I know that this is the path that I need to be on in order to achieve my goals down the road, so I WILL stick it out and finish. Business may be pretty boring, cutthroat, and republican-influenced at times, but these are skills I will need.
PK will be here in a few days and will be spending a week here, and I'm super excited. I'm afraid that she will be a bit off-putting to some of my quieter friends, but PK is honestly one of the people I admire most. It may take her time to figure out what she wants from life, but once she's got it figured out, she will do anything to get it. She is loud, opinionated, kind of a bitch, and damnit, I love her for it.
[This is what I *hope* people say about me.]
Having Lesley back in town is always a treat. We've spent a fair amount of time hanging out. I WISH that I could be half as together as she is at any given moment. I love having her around; she is crazy-sweet and has this calming air about her that just makes me comfortable. She is one of my best friends, and I've only known this girl a year. It's crazy to think about. I wish she weren't so far away most of the time.
My friends, TRUE friends, are few and far in between, but these people are ace. They're amazing in their own ways and challenge me to grow as a person. They are different and diverse, and I *love* them for it.
I've been shown this time and again, people will constantly surprise and amaze you.
I promised two songs, so here is a double dose of Something Corporate. SC and I have a longstanding history, and Lesley has got me re-hooked on them. Andrew's voice makes me smile, and I am a sucker for anything with a piano.
Something Corporate-Forget December
http://www.mediafire.com/?zmty2nnav4x
Something Corporate-Babies of the 80s
http://www.mediafire.com/?f44zwb5nznc
And now, I'm off to study for my midterm tomorrow. Spring Break, hook a sista up. I am ready for a BREAK. <3
I bet you thought I'd forget about this, didn'tcha? Welp, too bad haters.
Once again, I have to apologize about my flakiness in updating this. Trrrust me when I say that I have been *extremely* busy, and just trying to keep my handle on things.
The sun is out! It's WARM. That familiar emotional warmth of sunshine is spreading through my little burgyveins, and for once, I'm beginning to feel all right. [People with various forms of depression often are super affected by the lack of vitamins and serotonin that we collect from sunshine.] I can almost guarantee that the next month will be the happiest I will be all year, just from ODing on sunshine. And that is hella exciting. I love this time of year, where life kicks back in, coats go back in the closet, and we get to pull out the frisbee.
Been dealing with a lot of strange things lately. After a year and a half together, Laura and Caitlin broke up. I've been trying to be there for both of them, keeping two of the few friendships I have in tact, and it's been hard. I understand why it happened, I know it's for the best, but it's been stressful being around to watch Laura act out [per se] and Caitlin break down.
My parents have officially signed the divorce papers, and to be honest, this is one situation that I really am cool with. My mom needs this, she needs to man up and be a strong independent sister like I know she can. I love my mom to death; she is absoLUTEly one of my favorite people in life. My stepdad and I have never really seen eye to eye with each other, and he is a negative force in my life that I do not need. I know that deep down, he loves me, and he just has a strange way of showing it...[you know...emotional abuse and the like] and this does not help my wavering mind.
School is going really well, and I enjoy it, for the most part. I hate going, I hate being there, I hate doing homework, I hate thinking about it. BUT. I know that this is the path that I need to be on in order to achieve my goals down the road, so I WILL stick it out and finish. Business may be pretty boring, cutthroat, and republican-influenced at times, but these are skills I will need.
PK will be here in a few days and will be spending a week here, and I'm super excited. I'm afraid that she will be a bit off-putting to some of my quieter friends, but PK is honestly one of the people I admire most. It may take her time to figure out what she wants from life, but once she's got it figured out, she will do anything to get it. She is loud, opinionated, kind of a bitch, and damnit, I love her for it.
[This is what I *hope* people say about me.]
Having Lesley back in town is always a treat. We've spent a fair amount of time hanging out. I WISH that I could be half as together as she is at any given moment. I love having her around; she is crazy-sweet and has this calming air about her that just makes me comfortable. She is one of my best friends, and I've only known this girl a year. It's crazy to think about. I wish she weren't so far away most of the time.
My friends, TRUE friends, are few and far in between, but these people are ace. They're amazing in their own ways and challenge me to grow as a person. They are different and diverse, and I *love* them for it.
I've been shown this time and again, people will constantly surprise and amaze you.
I promised two songs, so here is a double dose of Something Corporate. SC and I have a longstanding history, and Lesley has got me re-hooked on them. Andrew's voice makes me smile, and I am a sucker for anything with a piano.
Something Corporate-Forget December
http://www.mediafire.com/?zmty2nnav4x
Something Corporate-Babies of the 80s
http://www.mediafire.com/?f44zwb5nznc
And now, I'm off to study for my midterm tomorrow. Spring Break, hook a sista up. I am ready for a BREAK. <3
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