It's a warm Wednesday night. I have a test tomorrow that I really should be studying for, and instead I just had a lovely chat with Lesley and my mum. Both conversations were highly necessary for my sanity, even if it's cut into study-time.
I've been in such a struggle with friendships the past two years. Every time, I get up, dust myself off and keep on going. There were some friendships that were harder than others. In strange ways, I'm still very much in mourning for all of them. You never want someone to leave your life, especially on less-than-stellar terms. I just think that college and this early-20s stage is all about change and growing up, and we've all managed to catch onto this at different points.
Losing Clay will be hard, in the strangest of ways. It will also be easier in a way, because he has already made a point to remove himself from my life. I had backed off to give him space to let him emote what he needed, and I'm wondering in hindsight if this was the best idea. This is the first friendship completely destroyed by a job. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What sadly few people realize is that this isn't just a job to get me through school. This is the career path I'm choosing, and this is a major stepping stone to reach the ultimate goal of owning my own coffee shop. I know that people think this is a weird or stupid goal to have, but in all honesty...they don't know my life. They don't realize how often coffee and conversation has saved my life, or led me to some great epiphany. How much passion I actually have for this. And I think Clay didn't realize it least of all. He wondered why I wasn't calm and low key and well...because I can only cut so much slack for your newness for so long before I develop expectations from you.
I will miss him. I will miss a lot of aspects of our friendship. Even just the dependability of it. We could always count on each other, if nothing else. As usual, I will give myself through the weekend to mourn, and then move forward. I will refuse to be sad, I will refuse to dedicate more time to it, I will refuse to waste my energy on it. I can't.
I've watched as all of my major friendships formed while I've been in St. Louis have been picked off one by one. Now all I'm left with are Laura and the friends I've made from work. I almost find myself wondering if this is sort of a sign from larger powers. If this is a time for me to be refocusing myself, or a time to be out meeting new people. I'm proud of myself for this lately. Granted, meeting Tanji wasn't exactly a choice, and getting to know her hasn't been completely a conscious choice, but even without Laura, you would enjoy her company. She makes you laugh. She's goofy. You also went out with Courtney, knowing you wouldn't know the vast majority of the people in attendance. And you didn't, and while you weren't the life of the party, you left relatively unscathed and...yeah. You stepped out of your comfort zone and then some, Burgs. We were proud of you.
I feel as if I'm reaching a crossroads in life. I keep having this internal struggle with what I want to be, what I believe. I feel as though I am no closer to answers, but just asking questions is a good place to start. But in removing most of these old friendships from my life, a lot of judgment is removed. Which is pretty neat. Laura is one of the few people I know who would never judge me in a mean way. We have way too much mutual respect for that.
I still miss them though.
I'll post a song next time. I really need to get back to studying.
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