#21: "Birds of Sadness"

There's this Chinese proverb I once heard that has always stuck with me.

“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”

[My automatic snotty response is "yes, buy a hat."]

Regardless.

I feel like more often than not, the birds of sadness have not only nesting in my hair, but build condos, a Starbucks, and have formed a whole little nation up there. I know a lot of it has to do with my own mental diag-nonsense, which dictates more of my life than I really would like. Right now, it's affecting my sleeping, which is leaking into all parts of my life, in that I am no fun when I am tired, and am even crabbier, sadder, and quicker to anger. Which leads to an increase in caffeine consumption, which I know is horrendous for me, which also probably aids in my not sleeping and horrible nightmares, and it snowballs. And this is just with something as simple as sleeping.

I got a second job. At Hot Topic. Again. It's not horrible. If nothing else, easy work, easy money. I know I won't have to hang out with those kids, so luckily it's not yet another social requirement. But when my ASM asked if I knew James, it was a tiny knife-blade to the heart. I covered it up, as I always do, and gave vague answers.

The Starbucks kids are a sore subject for me. Sometimes, I want to talk about them. I want to relive that moment in time where I thought these people were true friends, that we were a family, the family that I desperately needed then, and that nothing would ever ruin that. But even then, this usually is something I do on my own, in my head, with my own thoughts. Most of the time, this subject is painful, and sends my brain into the intensely depressive thought mode.

These kids are just another example in why I struggle to trust anyone past a certain point. These were people who I would have died for, given anything for, and for them...I was a sideshow. My depression, my suicide attempts, my situation with school, my relationship with Kyle--all of it was fodder for their snarky chats over post work martinis. It makes me want to die now, thinking how much I put my trust in some of them, only to have it broken as much as it was. Learning about the extent of this and a myriad of other things has forced the wall up, that much higher, that much thicker.

I do not disclose. I do not let the world into my life past a certain point. Garrett is in farther than I would like, in all honesty, but not too much. Part of me genuinely trusts him. Part of me knows the part that trusts him sees a lot of past things in him too. Part of me genuinely trusts Laura. This part is larger. This part also knows that if anything were to go south in our friendship, there's a lot at stake. Keeping her happy is always good. Lesley knows, if by nothing else, because she reads this. And Les is my girl. I'm not mad about her slipping through the wall of bullshit.


...

Ok. I have NO idea where my brain is going with this entry at all.

At any rate, I need to be getting up to do things, and I've wasted an hour.

I'm planning another entry soon that will be a music-inspired post. I don't normally plan journal entries, but this one needs to happen. I might even write it later today. I'm not sure. So I'm not posting a song here, now. but next time.

<3