I should have done a lot of things. I should have taken a day off...it wore me out to the point of getting walking pneumonia and bronchitis. So, all of those days off that I should have taken over the last month had to be compiled into this week and a half where I'm focusing on getting better.
I should have kept my mouth shut like I was asked to. I misjudged two people I thought I could trust, and it could have ended a lot worse. I had to do a lot of backpedaling and smoothing over.
Money will be fine, but taking this much time off, I may have to dip into my savings a bit. Plus, April was going to be a bit rough anyway, with Garrett and I going to KC next weekend, my mum and brother coming to town,the Decemberists with Boston, papers, and finals. I may end up working a bit longer in May to make up for it. [Not part of my original plan, but it'll be ok.]
I have a lot going on in my mind lately. I need to do some massive writing. I've had an idea of a project that I really want to get working on. I have the time, I just need to do a bit more pre-writing.
I'm so behind in school right now. I'm not sure how that happened. I have an A in sociology, a B in business writing, and a C in physics. I'm in the middle of playing catch up on book questions from physics, which will help that C...and I just have to stay on top of it the rest of the semester. The other two classes I'm ok with, just gotta keep on keeping on. I need to start working on my research paper for sociology, and my final paper for business writing. If I get these done sooner rather than later, the end of the semester will be faaaar less stressful.
Life is a balancing act. If things go out of whack, it gets harder for awhile...but eventually, things will sort themselves out, and you'll get the hang of it.
Clay's in town this week. We saw this movie last night, and I was impressed by the use of music in this movie. [Though Zach Synder's movies usually use amazing music.] So here's a link to the Sucker Punch soundtrack, along with this plea: go see this movie!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
stupid girl.
You, my friend, seem to be a glutton for punishment.
The question is, as always: now what?
How do you fix this? Is there something to fix? Maybe everything is fine. I doubt it, but maybe.
I don't know. I need to decide whether or not to keep this mum. There is only one person I would like to talk to about it...just because we've been together on this since day one.
>_< I'm exhausted. I'm not making any sense because I haven't slept and work too much and too many days in a row and I'm going to run myself into the ground if I keep going at this pace.
Dear world, slow down.
I gotta homework.
The question is, as always: now what?
How do you fix this? Is there something to fix? Maybe everything is fine. I doubt it, but maybe.
I don't know. I need to decide whether or not to keep this mum. There is only one person I would like to talk to about it...just because we've been together on this since day one.
>_< I'm exhausted. I'm not making any sense because I haven't slept and work too much and too many days in a row and I'm going to run myself into the ground if I keep going at this pace.
Dear world, slow down.
I gotta homework.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
One day...
"It’s time that I got myself a nice suit
So that I could look respectable for you
And it’s time that I built myself a refuge
So that I could hide away if I so choose
These days it feels that everything is changing
Used to be that every stride, you were standing by my side
But now it feels I’m walking on a tightrope
As I try to balance out how to make you proud
One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary
I will shine, I will radiate
One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary
I will take your breath away
And you almost don’t even recognize me
Saying, “How did you erase all but gorgeous from your face?”
But don’t be scared ‘cause I’ll live here forever
Won’t you take a venture out, won’t you take a venture out of there.
One day I’ll be perfect….
The stars will fall from skies above
But I am no prophet of doom
I just thought I’d warn you
It’s a service I provide for free to you
They call it love, babe.
One day I’ll be perfect…."
Army of Me. Your lyrics are cheesy, your musicality is sub-par at best, but dammit, I feel you on this.
One day I'll be perfect...til then, I'm just a disappointment.
So that I could look respectable for you
And it’s time that I built myself a refuge
So that I could hide away if I so choose
These days it feels that everything is changing
Used to be that every stride, you were standing by my side
But now it feels I’m walking on a tightrope
As I try to balance out how to make you proud
One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary
I will shine, I will radiate
One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary
I will take your breath away
And you almost don’t even recognize me
Saying, “How did you erase all but gorgeous from your face?”
But don’t be scared ‘cause I’ll live here forever
Won’t you take a venture out, won’t you take a venture out of there.
One day I’ll be perfect….
The stars will fall from skies above
But I am no prophet of doom
I just thought I’d warn you
It’s a service I provide for free to you
They call it love, babe.
One day I’ll be perfect…."
Army of Me. Your lyrics are cheesy, your musicality is sub-par at best, but dammit, I feel you on this.
One day I'll be perfect...til then, I'm just a disappointment.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
How to Disappear Completely....
Got a hold of a documentary that I had been searching forever, about five kids going through their high school in Warsaw, Indiana. I'd bought the book that proceed the film version in a used book store that I was obsessed with in Indy back in the day, and finally finding the movie...it made me smile.
After watching it, in looking back at things since high school...I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. IF I went wrong...and where the hell that sweet, innocent, flat-out-STUPID girl I was back then went.
Yes, depression is something that I dealt with in high school. After my parents moved us to Indy in the middle of my freshman year, I took it hard. I didn't speak to anyone the rest of my freshman year, just focused on writing and studying. I isolated like MAD. I did a lot of this sophomore year too, until meeting Stu, and then eventually Ian. I forced myself to be social the latter two years, especially during the weird rough patches of Ian and I's psuedo-relationship crap, and got even more involved with things when my homelife became as awful as it did. It was easier to be out in the world. It was easier to put on a happy face, bury everything down deep, and give myself so much stuff to do that I didn't have time to think or feel or be anything.
I thought I had it rough then. I thought that the home issues were bad. I thought that I'd break from the pressure of everything I was doing then...but in all reality, no one was putting any pressure on me except me. No one expected me to do and be everything I was, except me.
I remember applying to schools, thinking about how college would change me. College would set me free, get me away from the oppressive and painful strangle of my parents. Would allow me to be someone aside from the chubby, awkward, painfully quiet girl with a few, like-minded nerdy friends. and yes, EVERYONE thinks that going away to college is going to change them. Going to make things better. For some people it does. Some people, it blows up in their face. Me...I'd say it was a mixed bag, leaning more towards the latter.
I'm attempting to process mostly where the smart girl who could get through anything went...and why these episodes the past few years have crippled me to the point where I'm 23 and just now, FINALLY, preparing to have an associate's degree. I look around and see people from high school that are married, having babies, grown up jobs, grown up lives...and here I am, in my grandparent's house, being baby-sat because I can't live on my own, working shitty jobs, feeling lonely and depressed. How in a few months I'm running back to my mommy with my tail tucked between my legs.
Dear god, when did I become such a loser?
After watching it, in looking back at things since high school...I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. IF I went wrong...and where the hell that sweet, innocent, flat-out-STUPID girl I was back then went.
Yes, depression is something that I dealt with in high school. After my parents moved us to Indy in the middle of my freshman year, I took it hard. I didn't speak to anyone the rest of my freshman year, just focused on writing and studying. I isolated like MAD. I did a lot of this sophomore year too, until meeting Stu, and then eventually Ian. I forced myself to be social the latter two years, especially during the weird rough patches of Ian and I's psuedo-relationship crap, and got even more involved with things when my homelife became as awful as it did. It was easier to be out in the world. It was easier to put on a happy face, bury everything down deep, and give myself so much stuff to do that I didn't have time to think or feel or be anything.
I thought I had it rough then. I thought that the home issues were bad. I thought that I'd break from the pressure of everything I was doing then...but in all reality, no one was putting any pressure on me except me. No one expected me to do and be everything I was, except me.
I remember applying to schools, thinking about how college would change me. College would set me free, get me away from the oppressive and painful strangle of my parents. Would allow me to be someone aside from the chubby, awkward, painfully quiet girl with a few, like-minded nerdy friends. and yes, EVERYONE thinks that going away to college is going to change them. Going to make things better. For some people it does. Some people, it blows up in their face. Me...I'd say it was a mixed bag, leaning more towards the latter.
I'm attempting to process mostly where the smart girl who could get through anything went...and why these episodes the past few years have crippled me to the point where I'm 23 and just now, FINALLY, preparing to have an associate's degree. I look around and see people from high school that are married, having babies, grown up jobs, grown up lives...and here I am, in my grandparent's house, being baby-sat because I can't live on my own, working shitty jobs, feeling lonely and depressed. How in a few months I'm running back to my mommy with my tail tucked between my legs.
Dear god, when did I become such a loser?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Worse...or better?
I'm back in the BatCave in Fenton. The cluttered, mess of a BatCave it is. My family strong-armed me into this. So they could "keep an eye on me." Keep an eye on me, like I'm toddler in the silverware drawer. Sheesh.
I find myself still getting angry and anxious at the drop of a hat. Had several panic attacks the day of moving. (in which Jen and Beck bailed, leaving me without a truck and a moving crew.) I got it figured out, but still. I punched a hole in the wall at my grandparents over not being able to find a black shirt for work yesterday. Stupid. [I bought a patch kit...lucky for me, living with my brother, I learned how to fix holes in walls quickly and efficiently.] I don't know what this means as per my meds working or not. I'm trying to balance out. At least I'm not manically deciding to drive to Minnesota, or crying every twenty minutes. From the outside, I seem like I'm better. I've put the mask of fake-sanity back on...I always default back to this.
My car is starting to crap out weirdly again. Yay.
My physics midterm is next week. I have to take it before Wednesday. I am terrified.
I haven't been doing aces in the class, and this is the only class that I technically HAVE to pass to graduate. It's just not my bag and taking it online was probably not the brightest move. However, driving out to Hillsboro from WestCo would've taken over an hour and almost 40 miles one way, and the lab-based classes are all out there.
I'm trying to remain out in the world, trying to see friends, stay social, because I know I have to, but I have no real desire to do it. I see enough people at my jobs and school that I end up drained and just wanting to curl up in my bed at home. I've always had isolationist tendencies, but they get worse in Fenton because it's so much easier to do it.
So...back to the original question: worse or better? I have no idea. I have work to distract me, school to distract me, moving, family,doctors, and pills to distract me. But, at the end of every day, it's still me and my brain. Still the same cloud over my head. My life feels like putting makeup on a pig--you can try and make it beautiful, but it's still just a pig. As soon as you let it go, it's going to go roll around in the mud and dirty itself up again.
I find myself still getting angry and anxious at the drop of a hat. Had several panic attacks the day of moving. (in which Jen and Beck bailed, leaving me without a truck and a moving crew.) I got it figured out, but still. I punched a hole in the wall at my grandparents over not being able to find a black shirt for work yesterday. Stupid. [I bought a patch kit...lucky for me, living with my brother, I learned how to fix holes in walls quickly and efficiently.] I don't know what this means as per my meds working or not. I'm trying to balance out. At least I'm not manically deciding to drive to Minnesota, or crying every twenty minutes. From the outside, I seem like I'm better. I've put the mask of fake-sanity back on...I always default back to this.
My car is starting to crap out weirdly again. Yay.
My physics midterm is next week. I have to take it before Wednesday. I am terrified.
I haven't been doing aces in the class, and this is the only class that I technically HAVE to pass to graduate. It's just not my bag and taking it online was probably not the brightest move. However, driving out to Hillsboro from WestCo would've taken over an hour and almost 40 miles one way, and the lab-based classes are all out there.
I'm trying to remain out in the world, trying to see friends, stay social, because I know I have to, but I have no real desire to do it. I see enough people at my jobs and school that I end up drained and just wanting to curl up in my bed at home. I've always had isolationist tendencies, but they get worse in Fenton because it's so much easier to do it.
So...back to the original question: worse or better? I have no idea. I have work to distract me, school to distract me, moving, family,doctors, and pills to distract me. But, at the end of every day, it's still me and my brain. Still the same cloud over my head. My life feels like putting makeup on a pig--you can try and make it beautiful, but it's still just a pig. As soon as you let it go, it's going to go roll around in the mud and dirty itself up again.
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