Worse...or better?

I'm back in the BatCave in Fenton. The cluttered, mess of a BatCave it is. My family strong-armed me into this. So they could "keep an eye on me." Keep an eye on me, like I'm toddler in the silverware drawer. Sheesh.

I find myself still getting angry and anxious at the drop of a hat. Had several panic attacks the day of moving. (in which Jen and Beck bailed, leaving me without a truck and a moving crew.) I got it figured out, but still. I punched a hole in the wall at my grandparents over not being able to find a black shirt for work yesterday. Stupid. [I bought a patch kit...lucky for me, living with my brother, I learned how to fix holes in walls quickly and efficiently.] I don't know what this means as per my meds working or not. I'm trying to balance out. At least I'm not manically deciding to drive to Minnesota, or crying every twenty minutes. From the outside, I seem like I'm better. I've put the mask of fake-sanity back on...I always default back to this.

My car is starting to crap out weirdly again. Yay.

My physics midterm is next week. I have to take it before Wednesday. I am terrified.
I haven't been doing aces in the class, and this is the only class that I technically HAVE to pass to graduate. It's just not my bag and taking it online was probably not the brightest move. However, driving out to Hillsboro from WestCo would've taken over an hour and almost 40 miles one way, and the lab-based classes are all out there.

I'm trying to remain out in the world, trying to see friends, stay social, because I know I have to, but I have no real desire to do it. I see enough people at my jobs and school that I end up drained and just wanting to curl up in my bed at home. I've always had isolationist tendencies, but they get worse in Fenton because it's so much easier to do it.

So...back to the original question: worse or better? I have no idea. I have work to distract me, school to distract me, moving, family,doctors, and pills to distract me. But, at the end of every day, it's still me and my brain. Still the same cloud over my head. My life feels like putting makeup on a pig--you can try and make it beautiful, but it's still just a pig. As soon as you let it go, it's going to go roll around in the mud and dirty itself up again.