I am the odd one.

I quit Kaldis. Emailed Matt and basically told him that it had been decided by me and everyone else in my life that I was too crazy to work. and I am....I'm just too crazy to work THERE.

I also got hired at Deer Creek today. Which is cool. I can handle this coffee shop, methinks.

I wish I could say that I felt better. I don't, particularly. I feel unstable and completely out of whack. I was excited about getting a job, and then two hours later was sobbing to Beck on my couch.

I am trying to find the balance between leaning on people and isolating. Everything in me wants to push everyone away. Not because I particularly want to be alone, but because being around a depressed person is fucking DEPRESSING. I am a burden and it kills me. Watching Beck cry because of me broke my heart. I don't like doing this.

That's the thing that people seem to not understand about this. It's more than just an "I'm unhappy about my circumstances." I mean...I am. But I'm also fully aware that I can change my circumstances. Hell, I'm changing them. Moving. New job. Florida. But I have a lot of people telling me that if I just change/remove/add xyz person-circumstance, I'll be happy. No. That's not it. Circumstances are a part of things, and working to change them is good for me. However, this is a medical condition. My biology isn't working, and no amount of changing circumstances is going to fix my biology.

I'm taking the pills. I hate them. I hate taking them. I want them to work...I also want them to NOT work so I don't have to take them. Medicine terrifies me. And right now, these pills are fucking with my head. I'm agitated, high strung, anxious, and just downright angry. Unjustifiably so. So now I have this new anxiety-rage on TOP of the depression. Which, I'm sure makes me a comPLETE joy to be around.

I try to downplay things, especially to the people that matter to me. I don't want to worry anyone. but I know I am. I know Beck doesn't like leaving me alone in the apartment. I know that my mum keeps calling "just to chat"...mostly to make sure I haven't done anything stupid today. My grandparents keep feeding me. I keep getting texts and facebook messages and phone calls from people. Once again, I know this means that everyone cares and that they're trying to help. I also feel pressured to make them think that I am actually ok. I feel pressure to put on the mask, the stupid mask of fake happiness that I can don so well normally.

I really would just like to make it 24 hours without crying,punching things, screaming,whining, or disappointing someone.

Especially that last one.