Update.

I have a million and one things that I should be doing right now, but I'm in a post- lo mein coma, so any attempts to keep studying would be fairly fruitless. Thus, I will take twenty minutes, blather an update, and then make more coffee.

Two weeks from today, I will be on my merry way to Memphis to see Greg.  I keep having to pinch myself, to make sure this is actually happening. Things have been going really well since our reconnection post-Amy, and with that particular situation handled on MY terms, I feel confident moving forward. Lots of future plans. He is considering me when making his future educational/vocational plans, and even asking my opinions. We've come a long way. He's considering grad school right here, in the lovely state of Florida, which..I can't tell you how happy that would make me. (The only thing that would be better would be us together, back in the Lou. We both miss it terribly.)

I'll spend a week in Memphis, come home, repack my suitcase, spend a quick minute with the Chewster and then make the trek with mama to the Lou for a weekish there for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to this in a different way. I'm excited to spend time with the grandparents, I'm excited to see KT, Schubs, Garrett, Boston--whoever I end up seeing.  I'm excited to be able to be back in my city--to know where I'm going with confidence, to be able to go to my old favorite places, with people who are like-minded and wonderful.


HOWEVER.

Before I get to do anything fun, I have to survive the next two weeks of classes. There's so much to do, and it feels like there's not enough time. I'm me, I don't ever work as fast or as efficiently as I could/should be, because...I don't know. I never have. However, I'm trying to stay on top of things best I can. I've got papers, tests, reading, studying, note taking, the whole nine yards. I feel like all this stuff kinda just...poof! appeared, and now I'm blowing my brains out to stay afloat. However, you and I know the truth, humble blog readers--I'm lazy. I found myself engaging in a couple of behaviors over the course of this semester that always get me into trouble--mostly, not staying motivated, and not going to class.

It's a frustrating feeling to know that while, yes, I'm blowing my brains out now trying to stay caught up because of all the classes I've missed over the past month or so due to...whatever you want to call it (I'm sure some people will call it depression, I would call it general worn-out-ed-ness/laziness)...I'm still doing fairly well in basically all of my classes. I have a 100% in my lit class, an A in spanish, B's in cognitive and social psych, and a C that can be bumped to a B in stats if I do well on this next test. In other words, kids, be like me...skip a bunch of classes, do the work at home in your jammies, and still do just as well as those fools that roll out of bed and go to class every day. *wink*

This is part of the reason why I made an effort to take classes online next semester--and the classes I do have to be on campus for are in the afternoon. I'm stuck in this night-owl space--I might as well embrace it and be able to do homework at 3AM without dealing with the punishment of having to roll out of bed in 3 hours to go attempt to stay awake through class.

There's so much more I could write about, but I actually should get some stuff done. I'll try to be better about writing. (Especially over Christmas break--I'm sure I'll have some fun stories from my travels!)

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Great Expectations.

No, I'm not talking about the novel. Dear lord, I'm not THAT pretentious. (yet.)

So, school hath started. I find myself struggling in a few ways with it...mostly in that my great expectations (see? see what I did there? xD) haven't exactly been met.

I don't particularly know WHAT my expectations were, to be honest. I don't know if I expected to find a group of like-minded people to spend time with. I don't know if I expected to roll in there and be intelligent and experienced enough to not have to work. (Which in itself sounds pretentious, but...to be frank, this has been the case in most of my academic career.) That I would begin to feel confident and useful in my endeavors again. I think these were hopes, not expectations.

Well, whatever they were, they're pretty unfulfilled at this point.

That's not to say that my experience thus far has been completely miserable. It's been fine. I go to class, I take my notes, I leave. I do my homework, blow my brains out trying to keep up with intense amounts of reading in five classes, work my twenty five hours, and do laundry on Sundays.

I just...I don't know. My heart's not in it.

I feel like Jane Goodall observing the apes when I'm on campus. I look around and just feel completely isolated from the people there. I feel like I would enjoy getting to know someone, anyone, but...I've forgotten how to speak their language. I've forgotten how the hell these people interact....if I ever really knew in the first place. Given my track record, I haven't really made many friends from college, exclusively. (I actually can only think of two people.) Most of my friends I've made in other settings. I don't know what this means, aside from my not being extremely social in general on campuses.

But it's not even just that...I've tried connecting with people, and somehow, someway, I'm OLD. How the hell did that happen?! I'm fucking 25. The only person who has talked to me past conversation one and remembers who the hell I am is a middle aged lady finishing her degree because her children are now grown and she has time. Like...seriously? Am I that out of touch in a year that I don't know how to communicate with these people?!

I understand that the majority of them are 19, 20. But I have friends that are that age, and I interact and connect with them just fine. And on one hand, I'm almost sort of flattered that I'm too "mature" for them. I'm a grownup, in ways that they're not. At the same time...feeling like a social outcast because of it is unfortunate and awkward.

I also wonder how much of it is a regional cultural thing. I mean...straight up, I'm different than the majority of people attending school there. I'm from out of state. I'm older than your typical undergrad. I don't have a lot of the previous ties that bring those kids together. I'm also just...different. I've always been different, in that "air quotes" kind of way, which is usually synonymous with weird, freak, outsider...blah blah blah. High school I had very few *real* friends...mostly groups that I just sort of...awkwardly existed on the fringe of. I realize that I don't *look* like your typical 25 year old, that I don't have a lot of the same interests, beliefs...I don't know. I just feel uncomfortable being there, which is stupid, because in reality, it's not like I'm being tortured or teased or anything of the sort...I don't know.

It's me. For all I know, it's all in my head, and it's perfectly normal, and I'm just weirded out because it's new and foreign.



Whatever. I have to get ready for class. woo.

Mini-rant.

You've seen them, dear reader. On the facebooks.

That picture. It's cancer-girl. Soldier-dad. It's that "uplifting" quote in shitty cursive writing on a floral background. Maybe it's even Jesus.

Then you're supposed to "like" it if you "have a heart" "support the troops" "think bald is beautiful" "Are a good Christian."

Here's my issue with this.

CLICKING LIKE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

You want to support cancer-girl? Donate to cancer research. Volunteer at your local hospital. Think soldiers are awesome? Volunteer at a Veteran's hospital. Support the Wounded Warrior Project.

Last I checked, Jesus didn't give a shit WHAT you clicked on Facebook. He spoke of doing Good Works and taking care of mankind, not clicking a picture of a mountain that says "SERVE HIM OR GO TO HELL" on it.

These posts irritate me more than anything else on the internet. Don't clutter Facebook with these images that are supposed to induce guilt and all that. Take that energy and that intent and use it to do something positive. Something concrete. Something useful.

What a lovely shade of apathy.

So, it's been three months since I've posted anything here. It's not necessarily for lack of trying...apparently I've started half a dozen or so entries, and just quit halfway through. (I just cleaned out a bunch of drafts.) I have a hard time sitting down and trying to write when more and more I feel as though I have nothing to say.

I've been down here a year. Well, now almost 14 months. I don't know how to feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about it. Florida still feels like a new album to me...I haven't given it enough listens yet to really make a decision, but so far...I'm not impressed. Which is concerning. However. It's also very much my own fault. I've made little to no effort in getting out and experiencing the world around me.

I've spent the last 14 months trying to convince everyone that I'm sane, that my depression and crazy is behind me, finally, and that I've beat my own mental demons into submission. The truth is, I ALWAYS think that this time is *the* time, this is the point in which I give up being crazy and realize that Thoreau is right, that it's time to lead my life of quiet desperation and accept that I'll go to the grave with song and fight still in me...that it's time to give up and just accept adulthood for the quiet, soul sucking misadventure that it isn't. I'm not sure where I stand on the mental health front. I go to work, I do the things I'm supposed to do...I've carefully constructed a world in which very little is required of me. I've spent so much time and effort putting forth the appearance of being and seeming normal, that maybe it's just become habit to the point where it worked. Maybe sanity, for my sake, is just the ability to run on auto-pilot and convince myself it works. Then again...maybe I lose my shit in another year. You never know.

 IAG has strangely been in my thoughts a lot as of the past few days. Facebook and the like has made it easier to keep a loose grip on those people and their general whereabouts and the like these days. I find myself getting really angry these days at Craig. It's really easy to cast the blame of my situation on him. If he hadn't closed the store, I'd still be in the Lou. I'd still be there. I'd have my financial independence, my physical and emotional independence. I'd go to one of those schools and finish up my degree there, and still be able to have a social life. It's so easy to cast the blame of my whole situation on him. However, this is real life, and real life is never that fucking simple. I think part of the reason why IAG has popped into my head is because of my realization that I don't want to be a barista. I don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I'm stuck, because when you've spent the last 8 years of your life doing something, and you're not qualified or certified to do anything else...you're stuck. I want out of this job. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm trapped in this weird world where I'm forced to take orders and do the bitchwork for people in management who are less qualified to be there. Frankly, it's disheartening to take orders from an apathetic 21 year old. It's disheartening to have a lazy 17 year old as a work peer. It's hard to watch yet another business fail, knowing that I have the tools to make it run more smoothly, and maybe even save it from its inevitable demise. My ability to care seems to be stuck in a mode of absolutes--I absolutely care, or I absolutely don't. It varies from day to day, but I can't seem to get it to be some healthy shade of gray. (hurr hurr.)

 I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm just genetically dispositioned to have a dark and cynical outlook....such an outlook often goes hand in hand with superior intellect. Which is disappointing, but also seems to make sense. With a better understanding of the world and how it works comes a better, more obvious view of its faults. I wonder if this knowledge will bring me to some tragic, exciting demise down the road. Probably not. This is probably not the best image to project after falling off the blogging map for as long as I did. Things are probably not nearly as bleak as they seem here--I'm far too apathetic these days to be this bleak. I'm getting over being sick, which always seems to do a number on my happy chemicals. Things are not as bad as they seem--a new car will be happening soon, the school year will start, I've made a few local friends....things aren't awful.

 All right. I'm tired. It's time for sleep.

The world spins madly on

Oh haaaai. I didn't necessarily forget about this...it's just my computer has been progressively annoying, and the idea of trying to write anything via my phone seems exceedingly painful. (I'm not sure why, it just does.) Anyway, my computer seems to be having a moment in which two programs can run at the same time without wanting to explode, so let's do a quick update, shall we?

1.) New job. Yup. Finally free from the law school...well, after next week. (I'm me, and thus, always try to give two weeks' notice...because you never know.) Buuuuut...new job is a coffee/smoothie kiosk in a local hospital. It reminds me a bit of Wehrles and AttB, in that you're there generally alone, there's not necessarily a lot to do...buuuut I don't have to make sandwiches or stock soda coolers or listen to the insane racist-ignorant ramblings of annoying co-workers. I'm hoping it works out.

2.)School! I got accepted to USF and have orientation in a couple of weeks. There, I will get to sign up for classes and get acclimated with the campus and blah blah blah...then classes start in August, at some point. (I could actually go look up the date, but you care about as much as I do at this point.) Point being: school. happening. FINALLY. I'm so friggin excited.

3.)Housing. I'm moving in with Mom and Dave at the end of May. This is mostly a money thing--neither mom or I can really afford the rent that Paul needs right now, so...why do it? Plus, this saves me money on gas, and just...overall makes things easier, since I'm there all the time anyway. Plus...it'll just be good for my sanity. As much as I adore Paul, he makes me crazy more often than not.

4.) Boys. There's nothing particularly new to report with this topic, aside from the fact that I made one attempt at online dating, went out with a kid who turned out to be a clingy wackjob, and then pretty much haven't been on there since. ...Honestly? I'm not quite ready, mentally, to give up on Greg. I know I have a snowball's chance in hell, but I'm still kind of processing all of it. We know me...I like to think things to death, and this is no exception. He and I have made a few attempts at small talk. Found out that he didn't get his portfolio together in time to start grad school, still jobless, things with homegirl didn't work out, and that overall, things aren't particularly great. But...his problems are no longer my problems. Which, in a weird way, is a relief. I miss him, mostly in that I miss talking to him about pointless, daily shit. There were days that he was literally the only person I talked to, and well...to have that go away is strange. But at the same time, things will never be the same between us. There are walls and boundaries that have to happen...to protect my stupid heart from making the same stupid mistakes. Regardless. I still miss him, because I'm still a stupid girl. I accept this.

5.)The Lou. I went to the Lou for spring break, which was...a lot of things. I had a lot of fun, at the same time, it was strange and hard. I understood that not everyone was going to drop everything to see me, but there were a few people I wish I could have seen and didn't. There were people I wish I could have spent more time with. However, I was definitely happy to see and reconnect with the people I did. St. Louis will always be home to me, no negotiations there. There were some rough patches, especially concerning Laura and our policy of loving-yet-blunt honesty, but...overall, things were good. I also had a driving buddy on the way back, in the form of Chewie, who is adjusting to his new home quite nicely.

6.)Human contact. Bean and his lady were in town a couple of weeks ago, and we hung out a few times. It was actually really awesome to see him again--we hadn't spent time together literally since high school. Stephie and Gregg are in town this weekend, and we went bowling this evening, which was fun. (I'm sure I'll see her again for coffee chats.) She'll also be in town in July, and be crashing with me. Katie's planning a visit at some point in the somewhat nearish future, and hopefully Kayra will pop back down here over the summer. I occasionally hang out with Dana, but she's busy with school currently. Mostly, I just keep to myself, hang out with the animals and my mama. It's not a bad existence. I don't hate it. I'm quite used to it at this point. I've also been quite horrendously awful about making phone calls and e-mails happen, but my plan is to work on that after next week. Going down to a part time work schedule means I'll have more time to make things like that happen. Which is exciting.


So...that's my life in a nutshell, and I've bored myself into a wanting-sleep-coma. Hopefully that hasn't happened for you, faithful audience. I will try and be more diligent (and exciting) in my posts, but...until then, live long and prosper. ;)

I guess I've put this off long enough.

...I feel like I'm stuck in some universe in which I am constantly being punk'd. Where...I don't even know anymore. I just find myself looking up at the heavens, throwing my hands up in the air, shaking my head and laughing....in that awkward, frustrated "I'm laughing to keep from crying" sort of laughter.

Let me go on record as to saying that I hate facebook. I hate boys and facebook. I hate boys with no spine, and facebook.

You do not tell someone that you're in a psuedo-relationship with that you're actually dating someone else via facebook. And not even directly on facebook....just a relationship status update.

Holy crap.

I've been trying to process this for over two weeks now, and in all honesty, I'm good. I'm livid, I'm heartbroken, I'm upset, but....I'm good. I did not do the things that people expected of me, like the following:

a)Go batshit fucking crazy depressed suicidal.
b)Go batshit fucking crazy angry threatening his life.
c)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something drastic, like drive up there.
d)Go batshit fucking crazy and do something ruin-his-life evil.

I think most people expected a. And I've had some of my friends wish for b and d. But...I just can't bring myself to...not necessarily *care* that much, because I do care, but...what does it accomplish? Not a damn thing, aside from making me look insane. Of which I have spent the last eight or so months trying to convince the world that I'm NOT. Thus.

I don't know what to say to him. I did not expect him to text me out of the blue, after not hearing from him for so long. I also did not expect to text about Bonaroo, like everything is find and dandy. ...Are you KIDDING ME?! I didn't know what to say. Hell, I was so flabbergasted and cracked out on Nyquil that I almost responded.

...

And now, my mom keeps pushing online dating and the whole boyfriend thing. Which would be a solution for some people. We've tried this. I generally loathe it and it accomplishes nothing for me but a free meal (or cup of coffee) and someone's number in my phone who I forget who they are about two weeks later. I've never had that situation work out. I'm never who they seem to think I'll be, in that...well, I'm me. I'm awkward the first time around. I either come off as super bitchy and egotistical, or so goofy that I leave you wondering if I have mild mental retardation, or so painfully shy that you're almost certain I have mild mental retardation. (When in all reality, I'm somewhere in between these three.) I just...no. I contemplated it for about two days, and then mentally put my foot down. No, nein, nyet, no.

That, on top of the fact that I live at a job I despise, and I've been massively sick the past couple of days...ugh. Plus, what down time I do have I waste. I'm beginning to wonder when the time comes and I do have to be social, if I'm even going to remember how to do it. I mean...crimany. All I do is Netflix, internet, read, write, or videogame. and well...with my computer being as craptastic as it is, writing and internet-ing have been less and less. I don't want to tell you how many seasons of American Dad I've watched in the past three days. It's embarrassing.

Things will get better, and I need to get out of this rut. So. Over spring break, I'm going to St. Louis and reconnecting with my life there. I haven't decided if this will help anything *here* per se, but...I just know at this point, I need some massive coffee-conversations with someone who knows who the friggin Fleet Foxes are.
I feel as though this isn't too much to ask. But apparently it is, because I have to drive to St. Louis to get it.

...

I just keep telling myself that things will get better. I've never had this problem with making friends before...but then again, I've always had built-in ways to make friends, like school and work. And while I have a job...I don't particularly want to get involved in all that. I just keep praying that school will make things easier...or at the very least, even if I don't get friends out of it, that I will at least get enough to do to where I can feel productive and not so incredibly loser-y.

...
I know there's got to be at least one person in this friggin city who will accept my willing friendship. One.

Ugh. I'm taking some nyquil and going to sleep. I'm putting another day out of its misery.

2012.

First of all, I'm not dead. Promise.

Second of all, holy crap. K's Choice covering Radiohead. I may or may not have jizzed in my pants. Straight up. Amazing.

Third of all, I really hate folding and putting away laundry. It took me forever to figure out my random aversion to this. I'm going to blame it on working at HT. Folding band t-shirts is a little too close for home with that.

Ok. An update. Where did we last leave off?

Christmas was fine. Got my PS3, which is all I asked for. Thus. Was happy. I've been gaming a lot more, partly due to the PS3 and partly because I have no social life, so...I gotta waste my time doing something when I'm not working.

New Years was...New Years. A bottle of wine and a dance party by myself. Talked to the boy for a bit.

Laura came to visit for a few days, which was awesome, minus the fact that she had this awful cold that kicked her ass. Which kinda worked for us in a weird way, in that neither of us are really "going out and doing a bunch of shit" kind of people. We spent too much time at various coffee shops, bullshittting around. We went to the beach several times and wandered. We also skyped with the boy, which was quite entertaining for me. They get along quite well, which makes me happy. So far, all of my friends that have spent time with Greg like him, and vice versa. It's a pleasant change from some of the boys I've dated in the past who didn't always get along with my friends.

Work is...work. I go in, I quietly hate my life, do my job, go home. I keep crabbing about it, but honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I really need to stick this one out for awhile. I'm not one to jump from job to job, and yet I feel like that's all I've done since IAG closed. Hence why I'm waiting on so many friggin w-2s. I just wanna file my durn taxes, fools.

The boy and I are...fine? I suppose. I barely hear from him these days, because of the whole "full class load plus getting grad school portfolio together" thing. Which about 98 percent of the time, I'm totally cool with. I GET it. You're busy, and well...you're busy with things that are really effin' important. The other 2 percent of me is pouting like a girl and wishing he'd talk to me more. I miss him. Which is severely annoying, in that I hate having mushy-girl feelings. They kinda grode me out. :P So far, we're still planning on having me come up for his spring break. There's been some talk that he might be held up with school, which makes me want to punch him, but...I'm still planning on booking my ticket until he tells me absolutely not to. (and he better fucking not, or I will seriously throw down over it.)

Since Greg's sorta off the radar and everyone is busy with school, work, and other life-type things, I've been pretty unsocial. I spend a lot of time frowning at my phone, willing someone to call or text me...and yet I keep missing phone calls and forgetting to return them until...well, 3AM, when no one else is really up and feeling chatty-tastic. So. I'm failing at this whole "being a good friend" thing right now. I'm not sure how to fix it, but...I'm trying to muster up the energy to wanna do the phone thing. (Do we know that I actually despise talking on the phone, and thus, it actually does take energy?)

...

Have I talked about Ivan at all?
Holy jeez...I don't think I have. Eek. I'm a bad mama.

IVAN!


So, about a month ago, Mom and I did some stalking online and found out that Britta's brother Ivan was still up for adoption. (Note: Britta and Ivan are rescue dogs. They're from the same litter and were found roaming the streets together.) Mom, Dave, and I talked about it, and decided that we could handle adopting him as well. Which, in retrospect, is hilarious to me, because Ivan is so well-behaved, he seems like the dog we got first, while Britta is still wild and spastic. Anyway. I'm not particularly sure *why*, but while Ivan loves everyone (because he's a big sweetheart), he has claimed me...to the point where he gets pissy when I even pet Britta. He doesn't share well. lol. But the dogs are reunited, and now we're up to our elbows in puppylove.



All right. I honestly am not particularly in the mood to write anything, I just realized I hadn't updated in forever and a day, and thus, figured I should. I'm planning on doing more music posts soon, now that my iTunes is fixed and I need to actually finish up these packages for people that I've been working on since November. (The more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually kinda suck at this whole long distance friend thing. lol.)

Anyway. I'm going to bed now. G'night world.