#19: relationships, part two.

I promise this will be the last I write on this subject for awhile, mostly because I don't think this is a subject worth focusing so much of my time on. I've just had some really interesting things come up with it recently.

I was never really a girl who focused on romantic relationships. I was never a girl who was that interested in them. Apparently this phenomenon needed a label, and there it was, thanks to one of my old roommates: Quirkyalone. I sort of enjoyed that she had "invented" a word for me until I found out that it really wasn't for ME, per se...that it was from a book of the same title.

[Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility.]


I think it's pretty valid. I think it's a pretty wonderful way to live. I see no real issue with it.

Apparently, I am wrong.


Last weekend Lesley and I went to Ginger's grad party. We had a super fantastic time. At one point, Ginger's mom Holly, who came into the store all the time and therefore knows me, pulled me aside to chat. Which is cool, I love Holly. Until she started in on a weird string of questions.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Do you date?"
"You should. You're a lot of fun."
"Why don't you date?"
"Boys are great. You're at the prime of your dating life."

It made me laugh.

I also found out that not too long ago, our store owner Craig grilled Laura about my status of nondating. Apparently my boss has also inquired to Laura about this. My grandparents bug me about it constantly. My mom too.


It was a topic of conversation that I had with Laura the other day. She had an interesting argument: My status as a Quirkyalone seemed to be more "counter-cultural" than her sexuality.

I was quick to deny it, until she listed off her argument. [See above examples.]
She also said that it was strange for HER to know this about us, that as far as relationships go, she was not used to being the more "normal" one. Because while the partner she seeks isn't exactly the norm, at least she is seeking one. Which is valid...hypothetically.

I guess I just don't understand what the fuss is about. I HAVE dated before. I've been in relationships before. Those relationships, at that time and that place, I wanted to be in. I felt comfortable in. I felt a genuine connection to that person. And yes, those connections didn't last, but so be it. I've lived and learned from each of those relationships, no major harm, no major foul.

I don't understand society's need to push us together, to couple us off. I get more love from my friends than from one person at this point in my life. Things change. The love of my life might walk into my world tomorrow, who knows? Until then, I will not be pressured by outside forces to date, to get suckered into a relationship that I do not want to be in.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't date. I just won't settle at this point for dating someone who I don't think would be a long term thing. Why date if the ultimate goal is nowhere in sight? *shrug* It seems counterproductive.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my point. Sorry for the rambling. I need to get some sleep. G'night lovelies.

#18: A lazily explained mini-epiphany. Of sorts.

I'm realizing that I am way too self reliant...to the point where I don't know how to let people in.

The idea of romantic relationships has been floating around in my world lately. The situation with "the boy" is honestly one of the more annoying things happening in my world right now, but only because my standards of what I think I deserve are so high. It's hard. I refuse to date just to be "with" someone, because being "with" myself is hard enough sometimes, without dealing with other people's junk. However, there most definitely are moments of loneliness, a craving for that sort of connection. However, with "the boy" I don't feel it. I feel a friendship connection, and even then, one of those friendships, where, like a few other boys I know, I don't see very often because I know of their feelings for me and it makes me feel guilty.

Think about the logistics of romantic relationships for a second. It's sort of amazing that anyone gets together at all. I mean, there are a lot of prerequisites:
-You have to like someone in a romantic fashion.
-They have to like you in a romantic fashion.
-You have to like each other at the *same time*.
-You have to like ONLY them and have no previous connection.
-They have to like ONLY you and have no previous connection.
-You have to be in a similar region/willing to stick it out outside of that region.

See? It's harder than one might think....but at the same time, when it happens, really truly happens, it's the simplest thing in the world.

"The boy" is simple, but not in a way that is romantic or comfortable. He's simple in that his plane of existence is simple. His activities and life are simple, and well...it just wouldn't work between us.

He makes me feel guilty. I enjoy being thought of romantically. I enjoy being liked. I just wish the thoughts were coming from someone else.

*sigh*

I can't focus anymore. My tummy is rumbling.

Here are a couple songs that seem to be speaking to me this morning.

Bright Eyes--A Perfect Sonnet
http://www.mediafire.com/?znwmmzfzyyn
Come Pick Me Up--Ryan Adams
http://www.mediafire.com/?uwmdybvimqn

#17,

Confession: I have been craving strawberry ice cream for the last three weeks straight.

...

I still haven't had it. Maybe I should do that tomorrow.

...
This has nothing to do with anything.

Yeah, anyway.

*sigh* I feel as if I should write. I feel like I have nothing to write. Therefore, I'm going to update my summer list from post #10.

SUMMER LIST: Things I wanna Do. [about 6 weeks in]
-Drink too much coffee. [Like I wouldn't accomplish this. Duuuh.]
-Spend too much time outside. [I got sun burnt and it took about three weeks to heal and now it's randomly 100 degrees every day. Inside plz.]
-Read. [I have been, although not as much as I would like.]
-Hang out with my friends. [Almost every day.]
-Weekly zoo visits with Lesley.[Ok, so...we've gone once. but work schedules and the weather are making this quite impossible.]
-t-shirt quilt. [need to set aside money for materials.]
-Learn to knit.
-Lost marathons with Garrett. [hahahaha. Doubtful. We've hung out once, and he's blown me off every other time within the last 6 weeks. Fail.]
-Go to at least two concerts. [Ticket possessed for Something Corporate. Deciding on Phoenix and a few other shows.]
-Make some money. [not yet.]
-Sleep in. [not yet.]
-Hang out at Mokabes. [Marking this off because duh. Moks is a constant. I need to go this week, it's been awhile.]
-Meet new people.
-Find a favorite new album. [meh. Right now, on a Wilco-MCS-Regina-K's Choice binge.]
-Dye my hair. Twice. [The first is probably Wednesday.]
-Buy new shoes.
-Save money. [HA.]
-Clean my room. [working on a massive reorganizational project.]
-Go on a float trip.
-Leave the bi-state area.
-Lazy days at home. [I've had a few pretty amazing ones. More plz.]
-crazy busy days out n about. [oh crap, yes. Happened, checked off.]
-See a movie. [I took myself to see Shrek. I will also be taking myself to see the new Toy Story movie, because I am a child.]
-Eat an ice cream cone.
-Watch the sun set. and rise. [maybe not in the same twenty four hours, but then again...maybe so.]
-Do something spontaneous.
-Do something nice for someone else. [I've done nice things but not the amazingly nice thing I apparently am holding myself to, so this stays unmarked.]
-Write.
-Find a new hobby.
-Enjoy myself, in the now. No worrying about the future.



I feel like I should be accomplishing more with my summer than working copious amounts and bullshitting around with my friends, but then again...why? It's all going to be fine. You're working plenty hard now. You'll be working even harder this fall. Convince yourself that you actually need a break because you're being an idiot by feeling lazy.

I'll post a song later. I'm not feeling too musical right now.

Post #16. Parents: A Wishlist.

-I wish that both of the father-figures would understand just how much they've scarred their children.
-I wish that my mom had stood up for us when we kids.
-I wish I understood them both better.
-I wish no one had to feel the physical and emotional abuse from them both.
-I wish they took the time to understand me.
-I wish they took an active interest in me growing up.
-I wish my biological father loved me as much as my brother. I wish my step-dad loved me as much as his addictions.
-I wish that the traits I despise most in myself--my ADD, my impatience, my tendency to go from zero to angry in 2.5 seconds--weren't traits from my father.
-I wish the love from my mom was enough.
-I wish that my biological family never reappeared in my life. but only sometimes, and only a little bit.
-I wish my brother hadn't forgiven my biological father until I was ready to.
-I wish that everyone would let go of their expectations for me.
-I wish that my half sisters didn't have the same emotional daddy issues as I do.
-I wish that I could trust them. Any of them.
-I wish I could forget the price tag my biological father gave up his children for.
-I wish I could forget my step-dad skipping my choir dinner because they didn't serve alcohol.
-I wish that these men had half the balls my mom does. She owned her shit and apologized.
-I wish they realized that an apology and a hug is all I really want.

Mostly, I wish I could let go of my wrath, bitterness, resentment, and disappointment and just be a good daughter, instead of this hateful bitch.



This song always makes me cry, including now.
K's Choice--Dad
http://www.mediafire.com/?yjeczlm1ywi