You, you you....

I need a life. And yet I turn down the one I have. It makes no sense to me.

You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.

You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.

You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.

You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.

Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.

You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.

You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.

You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.

You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.

Being solitary suits you to a point.

Whatever.

This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.

Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.

Talking in circles. Time to go.

...

I NEED A JOB.

>_<

just more nonsense.

I know I haven't written much. There hasn't been much to say.
Yes, a lot's happened, but...*shrug* it's happened, I have to move forward. I have to say though, the last day was hard, but not. It was hard at two points: when Garrett left at 11, and right at 1, when I was talking to the few regulars left. [Mostly Eric, who has always been my favorite.] Craig rolled in about 1:30 while we were cleaning. Ging kept crying, Becky kept mumbling French obscenities--I took a bit of joy in taking care of my girls and making sure Craig felt like a douche. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get ghetto in his face. I was calm. Hell, maybe I'm growing.

It's been a weird week. Yes, I've seen Garrett almost every day. Hung out with Jake.Got coffee with Austin. Getting lunch with Lauren and Ging here in a few hours. Talked to Beck n Boosh almost every night. I still feel off. I almost want to call Mrs. G. Call Eric. Hell, I'd even take some of the regulars I didn't like so much. And watching someone else make my coffee kinda hurts. [Mokabes was good, in that Ronnie let me behind the counter to do myself.] I miss our little family.

I need to work on getting myself out of this house and yet not spending money. It's easy for me to hide in here and wait to be drawn out.

...See, this is why I don't write much. I feel like I'm not making any sense. Where is my grasp on the English language lately?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

#27--The beginning of the end.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

IAG is closing. Friday, the last day. I will have worked the first day we opened, and will be the last one working on the last day. Eesh.

Put in an app at Sbux. I didn't want to, but...I need a job. I need to stay in coffee, or lose my sanity.

Things are complicated, rough, stupid, depressing. We've all been spending so much time at the store since the announcement Friday. It's weird to roll up there and not see at least one other kid not scheduled there.

I am struggling so hard. I keep hearing that this is a part of God's plan, that we all will look back and understand. I hear it. I appreciate what they're saying. However, I don't believe it. I can't believe it. All I see right now is chaos, uncertainty. Sadness.

I'm behind in school, again. I can't bring myself to anything but a sense of guilty apathy. I'm still not unpacked at the apartment. Yet...apathy. I'm feeling apathetic in just about every area of my life. I had pushed through a rough patch at work, and everything felt right as rain. Now, this.

I'm craving the loving smiles of friends right now, and there just seems to be an intense lack of it. We're all sad. There are so many people I'm going to miss. Not just other employees, but customers. My regulars who brighten my day. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from bashing my head against the wall is Mrs. G's smile, or a hilarious story from Eric, or Anthony's snarky comments. I just...what am I going to do without them?

Monetary worries are secondary, but oh so present.

I know me. I'll bounce back into another job. I'll grow to love it, and I'll always have fond memories of the mug. I know that I'm resilient and tough and the myriad of other things people have been telling me. but I feel none of that right now. I feel like a quivering mess of depressed and furious jello right now.

Blugh.

#26: Oh Lord.

I have internet again. Woot!

I realize generally that while I have a generally logical head on my shoulder, it gets clouded by snap judgments and emotions and...well, cute things. I'd hope that I'd be aware enough to see it before things blow up too much. Hmm. I see it happening now. I also continue to watch myself do nothing in particular to stop it. I should probably be learning a lesson here, but I see no lesson to learn. Therefore...I just try and put my emotions in my back pocket and continue on with my journey. I should get out now, but I'm having too much fun and am enjoying you too much in my life to stop. Maybe that's the lesson. Stop having fun and refocus.

My new place is grand. Once I actually get everything unpacked, I promise pictures.

I have so much homework to do. I really can't write as much as I'd like. I promise an update soon.

Here's a song I'm obsessed wtih. It has become one of the theme songs for opening with Garrett, mostly because it is fabulous, and well...it's the Strokes (G's fav) and Regina Spektor (my fav.)
hxxp://www.mediafire.com/?e366sw5zot8
[xx->tt]