You, you you....

I need a life. And yet I turn down the one I have. It makes no sense to me.

You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.

You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.

You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.

You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.

Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.

You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.

You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.

You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.

You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.

Being solitary suits you to a point.

Whatever.

This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.

Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.

Talking in circles. Time to go.