Alien. Nation.

I posted last time about my focus being on my friends, the people that are here, NOW, and how I want to enjoy that time we have left together.

....

apparently I am the only one.

I'm trying to be understanding. People are busy, they have lives. Shit happens. However, being blatantly blown off several times, especially by the one person who I really will miss having in my life in more ways than one, I'm just...I'm hurt. I'm not sure what to do about it. Yelling and stomping around to them does nothing but put them on the defensive and have them pull further away. Yet...here I am, spending yet another day, crying in my apartment because my friends don't seem to care.

Maybe this will make leaving that much easier, but for now...I'm just sad and lonely. Alone.

losing to apathy.

Egad, man.
I wish I could bring myself to care more about school right now. I'm struggling.

I wish I could bring myself to care more about the living situation, and trying to find a new one. The more I think about it, the more I worry, the more panic attacks I have. and well...I've had enough of them in the last week.

I wish I could care more about Kaldis and trying to make it work. but why? I'm leaving in a few months.

The only thing I find myself really caring about right now is spending time with the people that matter to me HERE, NOW...as well as missing the ones who aren't here.

For now I'm just trying to love the ride.

Ben.

So, in eight days, I will be crammed into the Pageant, yet again, to see my man Ben Folds.

Despite not really having the money to budget in this show...it's insane, but I'd rather not eat for a few days and see him again than miss it.

I'm focusing on the show for the next eight days. I can't keep thinking about this whole life situation. It's making me crazy.

Telling Laura was hard. She cried. I cried. We tried to joke it off, and I know that she thinks I'm attempting to escape from my problems. I know she thinks that this is a direct result of Greg. I know her well enough to be able to know where her brain takes the things I tell her. I also know that no matter how stupid she thinks I am, that she will support me and love me.

Told Greg. Via text. Which I didn't want to do, but...it's hard when he's avoiding me. And I totally get it. I understand that this isn't easy for him. Running into him at the mall, I could see it all over his face. He's ecstatic to see me, but at the same time...conflict. Guilt. Confusion. He's like me, in that emotions do not hide well on that cute face of his. In explaining the move to him, he took it...well. At the same time, he's still leaving first. I once again apologized for things. He apologized for things. I just wish that we could QUIT APOLOGIZING AND GO BACK TO BEING COOL. [as cool as we get, anyway.]

I've accepted in this situation that I'm not going to get what I'd prefer. He's not going to leave his fiance, despite the fact that their relationship is "going down in flames." (his words.) He won't do the long distance thing...I understand. He also doesn't understand that with the right words from him, we'd be substituting the location "st.pete" with "nashville." I just hope that he finds some way to be happy, with or without me. I can find solace in that.

Now that this decision is go, I find myself wanting to wrap up situations. In all honesty, I won't. I know me well enough to know that I'll think about it, then wuss out. and in all honesty...these are people that, at this point, an apology isn't necessary. We've comes to terms with our lives without each other and moved on. It is what it is, and we have to live with our mistakes.

Which is really all life has become. Learning to live with my mistakes. Hoping I won't make them in the future, but realizing that I will...and realizing that the people that matter will love me, regardless.

So. This post started out as a love letter to Ben Folds, but I'mma end it on a MCS note. This song has become my anthem in a way. Consider the lyrics.

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Preach it, Justin. You're wonderful.

...just like my dude BEN. <3

[there, see, I ended it on a Ben note. My sun rises and sets by him after all. :) ]

The first day of the rest of my life....

So.
more talking, more planning.
This is actually going to happen.

My last day of classes will be May 12 with finals. After that, it'll just be the simple matter of packing up Chuck [or a van, depending on what we decide to do] and trucking down to St. Petersburg, Florida!

There are a few people I want to tell in person before I announce it hugely. mostly Garrett and Greg, who I can't seem to get a hold of, and Laura, who I'll see tomorrow night. I'll need to call Clay and plan a weekend to see him...maybe a few times. I need to make a few other phone calls, but....

This is really happening. Holy moly.


...now it's just a matter of finding a place to stash my stuff from Marchish to mid May. The Jarchows are an option. The Wilkinsons. Courtney apparently has a hookup for me. Jeff's working on something. My grandparents are an option. (I haven't told them yet...I'm still ironing out the details. I'll probably talk to them Monday, after classes.) Hell, even Jake offered to let me crash for a bit if need be.


I shall survive this. :)

Oh, holy jeez.

So.
Jeff is kicking me out, due to my intense lack of funds to be able to pay rent.
Fair. I'm not mad.

And once again, here I am, making a list of things I have going for me in the Lou:

...


Done.

So.
My mom is offering to help move me down to Florida. To help pay for it. She's offered housing. I'd be able to do school down there....

The only miniscule problem is me, in general, not being a fan of Florida. But hey. I miss my mom and I just want to end this perfect shithole of a story in the Lou. It'd be an easy out.

I'd be able to move in May...meanwhile, I need to find a place to crash for a few months while I wrap up school.

I will miss some people, but...that's what facebook is for. Phones. Texting. Planes, trains, automobiles.

The idea of warm sounds super amazing.

Now...to actually figure out if this will work.

A lack of color here....

I hate my life.

"...all alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made..."

You're in the process of finding yourself. You've been looking in some interesting places. You've collected the data. Now, for some quick analysis.

You're not going to find yourself in a church.
You're not going to find yourself in a book. Any book.
You're not going to find yourself in a coffee shop, even if that coffee shop made you happy.
You're not going to find yourself in the eyes of anyone else.
You're not in the fridge. Or the closet. Not in the arms of a boy. Not in the smiles of the people around you.
You're not in that first drag of that oh-so-needed cigarette.
You're not in a sunrise. You're not in a sunset.
You're not in the lack of vitamin D running through your veins.
You're not in a song. Even your so-called theme songs.
You're not in your beer. Or vodka.
Video games? Nope. Nerdy cartoons? Nada. Facebook? Nein.

Where are you?
...

Right here. Right where you've been all this time. You keep looking for some deep meaning, some radical philosophy, some quick little band-aid fix to all your questions. You've realized all these questions are the things distracting you from the answers. Quit looking at the questions. Focus on the answers.

Answers:
-You do not feel comfortable at church. You do not feel comfortable talking about God. You do not put forth towards a relationship with Him because you do not inherently believe He ever existed in your world. You finally understand what Nietzsche means when he states that God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

You realize now that God is a concept. and you have rejected Him. So...now He rejects you. [and thus-far, you haven't particularly seen any concrete punishments.]

-You are unhappy because you focus on being unhappy. Your chemical issues aside, you focus on your unhappy moments because you are too afraid of being happy. Curling up with your unhappiness is safe. It's known. You know how to be depressed. You weave negativity and sarcasm with the same skill of Ben Folds and his ability to tickle the ivories.

-You cannot be in one place this long. You need excitement. You need adventure. You get comfortable and complacency sets in. Right now, you are drowning in complacency.

-You are letting a situation with a boy eat you alive. You need to face it. You are bigger than this. Better than this. Stronger than this. You will admit that you need people. You will admit that you would like to be in a relationship, something you wouldn't have openly admitted even months ago. You need to face the fact that now that you have come to the realization of your needs...notice nowhere did you need HIM, specifically. You'd like to have him, but there's no need. So, if it doesn't work out, you won't die. You'll keep fighting, tooth and nail, just like you always have. But you also need to own the fact that you'd like to have him, to his face, and see what happens. Man up.



So, in these answers, there are things needed of you. Get on it.

But, at it is late, and you are tired, you'll just listen to Ben Folds and have another beer.

Oh, January, oh...

Guilt. Regret. All he's racked with.
I understand it.

Doesn't make it any less stupid.

I wish that friendships in my world didn't have to do this random explode-y thing. Especially considering I have so few that I actually want to put forth the effort.


Blugh. This one's all...complicated. The extra emotions aren't necessary.

I need to clean my kitchen and put away laundry. I'm going to manic-clean most of the night away in hopes of gaining some sort of control over SOMETHING in my life.

Woo.

2011, you are too complicated for me.

I find myself making life way more complicated than it needs to be. It's a thing. A thing I do.

And now, here I am. Once again, making a situation more complicated than it should have ever been. And I'm kicking myself for it.

But at the same time...not. At the same time, I need to be open to experiencing things. I need to be able to live in the moment.

I need to figure out how to balance these two parts of myself out. I need to be able to figure out how to live in the moment without taking the next week to analyze every second of it.

So...it's D-day. Today I'm marching the beach. Time to put this painful analysis to rest. To speak my mind, not to my lovely friends who have all been painfully patient with me, but to the other person in this situation.

I have to be strong. I have to be gentle. Everything's fragile, but I cannot be willing to compromise. I cannot sweep my feelings under the rug and pretend like they don't exist. I have to hold my temper if things don't go my way.

If need be, I have to be willing to walk out and never look back.

...I don't think I am, though. And therein lies the problem.

I can handle this. I've handled worse. I just have to keep my wits about me.

I'll have my answers tonight. Until then...I have the Decemberists and my lovely friends to distract me.

I'm eternally grateful for them. <3