"...all alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made..."

You're in the process of finding yourself. You've been looking in some interesting places. You've collected the data. Now, for some quick analysis.

You're not going to find yourself in a church.
You're not going to find yourself in a book. Any book.
You're not going to find yourself in a coffee shop, even if that coffee shop made you happy.
You're not going to find yourself in the eyes of anyone else.
You're not in the fridge. Or the closet. Not in the arms of a boy. Not in the smiles of the people around you.
You're not in that first drag of that oh-so-needed cigarette.
You're not in a sunrise. You're not in a sunset.
You're not in the lack of vitamin D running through your veins.
You're not in a song. Even your so-called theme songs.
You're not in your beer. Or vodka.
Video games? Nope. Nerdy cartoons? Nada. Facebook? Nein.

Where are you?
...

Right here. Right where you've been all this time. You keep looking for some deep meaning, some radical philosophy, some quick little band-aid fix to all your questions. You've realized all these questions are the things distracting you from the answers. Quit looking at the questions. Focus on the answers.

Answers:
-You do not feel comfortable at church. You do not feel comfortable talking about God. You do not put forth towards a relationship with Him because you do not inherently believe He ever existed in your world. You finally understand what Nietzsche means when he states that God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

You realize now that God is a concept. and you have rejected Him. So...now He rejects you. [and thus-far, you haven't particularly seen any concrete punishments.]

-You are unhappy because you focus on being unhappy. Your chemical issues aside, you focus on your unhappy moments because you are too afraid of being happy. Curling up with your unhappiness is safe. It's known. You know how to be depressed. You weave negativity and sarcasm with the same skill of Ben Folds and his ability to tickle the ivories.

-You cannot be in one place this long. You need excitement. You need adventure. You get comfortable and complacency sets in. Right now, you are drowning in complacency.

-You are letting a situation with a boy eat you alive. You need to face it. You are bigger than this. Better than this. Stronger than this. You will admit that you need people. You will admit that you would like to be in a relationship, something you wouldn't have openly admitted even months ago. You need to face the fact that now that you have come to the realization of your needs...notice nowhere did you need HIM, specifically. You'd like to have him, but there's no need. So, if it doesn't work out, you won't die. You'll keep fighting, tooth and nail, just like you always have. But you also need to own the fact that you'd like to have him, to his face, and see what happens. Man up.



So, in these answers, there are things needed of you. Get on it.

But, at it is late, and you are tired, you'll just listen to Ben Folds and have another beer.