Ben.

So, in eight days, I will be crammed into the Pageant, yet again, to see my man Ben Folds.

Despite not really having the money to budget in this show...it's insane, but I'd rather not eat for a few days and see him again than miss it.

I'm focusing on the show for the next eight days. I can't keep thinking about this whole life situation. It's making me crazy.

Telling Laura was hard. She cried. I cried. We tried to joke it off, and I know that she thinks I'm attempting to escape from my problems. I know she thinks that this is a direct result of Greg. I know her well enough to be able to know where her brain takes the things I tell her. I also know that no matter how stupid she thinks I am, that she will support me and love me.

Told Greg. Via text. Which I didn't want to do, but...it's hard when he's avoiding me. And I totally get it. I understand that this isn't easy for him. Running into him at the mall, I could see it all over his face. He's ecstatic to see me, but at the same time...conflict. Guilt. Confusion. He's like me, in that emotions do not hide well on that cute face of his. In explaining the move to him, he took it...well. At the same time, he's still leaving first. I once again apologized for things. He apologized for things. I just wish that we could QUIT APOLOGIZING AND GO BACK TO BEING COOL. [as cool as we get, anyway.]

I've accepted in this situation that I'm not going to get what I'd prefer. He's not going to leave his fiance, despite the fact that their relationship is "going down in flames." (his words.) He won't do the long distance thing...I understand. He also doesn't understand that with the right words from him, we'd be substituting the location "st.pete" with "nashville." I just hope that he finds some way to be happy, with or without me. I can find solace in that.

Now that this decision is go, I find myself wanting to wrap up situations. In all honesty, I won't. I know me well enough to know that I'll think about it, then wuss out. and in all honesty...these are people that, at this point, an apology isn't necessary. We've comes to terms with our lives without each other and moved on. It is what it is, and we have to live with our mistakes.

Which is really all life has become. Learning to live with my mistakes. Hoping I won't make them in the future, but realizing that I will...and realizing that the people that matter will love me, regardless.

So. This post started out as a love letter to Ben Folds, but I'mma end it on a MCS note. This song has become my anthem in a way. Consider the lyrics.

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Preach it, Justin. You're wonderful.

...just like my dude BEN. <3

[there, see, I ended it on a Ben note. My sun rises and sets by him after all. :) ]