This is not your playground, it's my heart.

Keep your secrets in the dark,
nothing matters anymore
Body's breaking, drive me crazy
This is not your place
No, this is not your playground, it's my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Courage broken, lashed to scars
Can this love be what I want?
Body's breaking, driving me crazy, it's your fault.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens in blood.
Oh, so hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens

Become stronger juggernaut.
Answer me (did we take this too far?)
You've given all I could need (did we take this too far?)
Oh, but your kiss won't leave me be (did we take this too far?)
Cause your teeth just won't stop chewing out my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Here we are juggernauthttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Here we are juggernaut

--Coheed.

mer.

I'm a friggin idiot.

Overslept through the "audition." Tried to play it off by going in later...however, I'm not so sure that it's going to work. Which...is what it is.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself...there's no one else to point the finger at. I tried to go to bed, and just...was up. Watched the hours tick by. 10, 11, 12, 1, 2,3, 4... Barely was able to acknowledge my alarm, but somehow managed to shut it off.

I'm sitting here crying, because I'm just...angry. Angry at myself. It just feels like no matter what I do, I seem to sabotage myself.

So...it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.

Let's just see what happens.

"Watching it spin by, unbound through space. Watching them with an open mind..."

Familiar patterns.

Weird interview. Weird vibes. Will I take the job? I don't know, honestly. Will I get the job? I also don't know...and almost think not, because of the "audition" they're wanting me to do. Just seems strange to me.

The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)

I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.

Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.

I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.

Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.

No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.

:)

JOB INTERVIEEEEEW!
Tomorrow. at Indigo Coffee, a shop out in Tampa. It's kinda far, but...um, hai. I used to drive from Fenton to the Valley practically every day. Oh, and Ellisville. and the mall. I'm used to driving for work. NBD. Things might actually be turning around!

I need to keep focusing on the positives in my life right now. The interview. My support circle of wonderful friends and family. This beautiful scenery I've put myself in. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes on my back. The ability to work through things in my life. There's a sweet boy in my life who I enjoy and enjoys me. (and whose new favorite thing is "movie dates" with me...where we both end up watching the same movies to fall asleep to. So. Cute.)

All right. I gotta get moving on. I promise I will keep the world updated as things happen. For now...I need foodstuffs.

We're gonna turn this mess around....

Dear Boy,
Whatever doubts I had were squashed last night. You're wonderful. This situation currently kinda sucks, but...there's hope. Hope for the future. and well...knowing that we're both planning of a future that involves the other makes things so much easier. Makes it easier to know

Here's to tomorrow...or whatever gets us by. <3

my friends are wonderful.

I love Garrett. Seriously.
"What'd I fucking tell you? I TOLD YOU. I fucking called that shit SIX MONTHS AGO. I win."

...An ego after my own heart.

But great conversations tonight with both him and Greg, so. I'm happy.

And now, to go work on the Great Reorganization and maybe even sleep.

warning: a girly post.

In exactly two months from today, I'll be getting ready for Greg to get here the next morning. Will I know exactly what will happen? No. Of course not.

It's hard for me not to think of us as something more than friends, especially now that Brooke is out of the picture. Especially considering a lot of the things we've talked about. But. We've established that we both care about each other. However: 1)his engagement just ended a couple weeks ago 2)I am in Florida, he is in Memphis 3)I need to get my mental shit together, once and for all. 4)He needs to get his shit together, once and for all.

I just...I'm torn. It doesn't help that there are a TON of mixed signals happening. I think he's scared, rightfully so. I know I'm scared. This connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. Blows the past relationships out of the water...and this isn't even a real relationship. I've never spent six hours on the phone with anyone and had things to talk about the entire time. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt electricity when being around them...hell, even sometimes just thinking about him. He's on my mind...a lot. More often than not.

We've talked about things we want to do: touristy things, like the Dali Museum. He wants to meet my mum (has made a big deal about this actually, which I find strange...meeting parents always seems like such a *relationship* thing). He wants to go watch the sun set on the beach and drink wine. Take me out places. Spend plenty of time in bed, cuddling, watching movies, and...whatnot. There was even talk of a day trip to Disneyworld (I've never been and apparently this is flabbergasting to him...sorry, we grew up hella poor) and getting a hotel for the night. He actually pushed the trip back a couple of weeks "to make sure he had enough money to romance me properly."

However, this is nothing serious...just fun.

I don't understand. Am I supposed to?

Someone explain it to me.

I go back and forth between severe confusion and acceptance. At the end of the day, this is where we are in things. It's not going to change...at least til I can be with him, face to face.

I've talked to my mom about this a bit, and after stalking him on facebook, she has decided that she likes him and that basically I'm free to do whatever, but she is refusing to let me move until my mental status is better.

I just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

There's a word I want to use, but cannot bring myself to say aloud. Or even type. I just...I can't afford to acknowledge it.

...I think I'm in over my head.

a quick one.

I'll write a bit til I get a phone call from a certain boy. I just wanted to...I don't know.

I sat down with a paper journal last night/this morning (it was probably about 2am, so...yeah) and proceeded to pen the first short story I've written in months...hell, probably years. It's bad. Well...not bad, but...rough. I would like to edit it and probably post it here. It's been so long since I've done any sort of creative writing aside from random bloggy posts, and it was nice to sort of think in those terms again. Hopefully it'll be something I keep up with.

Had my first appointment with the counselor today. It was fine. I was paaaainfully nervous leading up to it, but he was a sweet, soft spoken man. We didn't get into things too deeply this first go-around, but I'm sure it'll happen in subsequent appointments.

Ah well. There goeth the phone. I'm off to talk to the boy.

brain vomit.

So. Greg more than likely is going to wait til October to come down. Which...sucks mildly, but I understand. He doesn't want to miss more class than he has to, and he's already going to more than likely take the day off that Wednesday to fly down. But he also talked about coming down for New Years, and having me come up for his spring break so we can go to Gatlinburg.

He and I spent six hours on the phone last night. Six. Intense. Some serious conversation, some silly conversation...a little bit of everything. We discussed what we wanted to do while he was here. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. A large part of me was hoping he'd call again tonight, but I don't want to bug him and now it's faaaar too late.

I'm confused. He confuses me. He says things that lead me to believe he wants to eventually get serious, but at the same time, says that he really doesn't, at least not for a long time. And once again, I get it--considering he just got out of an engagement and a several years long relationship less than a month ago.

I have my first psychologist appointment Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but I know it's something that needs to be done. Then going back to the psychiatrist later in the week to discuss medication. again.

Talked to my mom a little bit about the job thing and how I'm still kinda not really completely ready. And she understands, but wants me to keep looking. I'm just scared that I don't feel stable enough to be a reliable employee...and I don't want to fuck things up. I feel like crap having to leave several places off my resume in the first place.

and yet another boy has decided to profess his adoration of me...seriously. Why. Let's quit this. He's one of the StL kids, and well...he's sweet, but we had already established that things would go nowhere. So...I had to reiterate it, which made me feel like crap, but at the same time...needed to be done. He said basically that he understood, but felt better just coming out and sharing his feelings.

I can't help but wonder why now, I suppose. Why now have several boys in my life decided to look at me in a different way? And I can't help but wonder what I've done differently as of late to attract the attention...I'm not seeking it out. The only person I really sought out was Greg. It's always been about him, since I met him. Which...is an issue.

*sigh* I feel like writing right now isn't getting me anywhere. I need to sleep.

I really need to quit this.

Went out on a date with a really sweet guy. The only issue is that he is polyamorous, is married, has a kid. However, he and his wife are very open with each other about their other relationships. And well...I'm ok with that. As long as everyone is honest. and well, one date doesn't necessarily mean anything. And I'm me, which means slowness happens.

However, it's as if God wants to taunt me. Literally as I pull out of the parking lot after leaving this date, Greg calls, to talk to me about his trip. And we proceed to talk for two hours. It was great to hear his voice, and we talked, once again, what it will be like when he's here and how exciting it will be to be together again, this time with no restrictions.

After I get off the phone, dateboy had texted me several times, to tell me that he had a great time and that he really liked me and hoped to see me again. and I proceeded to feel like complete crap.


I'm an idiot, I'm realizing. I still have feelings for Greg. I should not be going out with other guys, no matter how much I think I'm over him. Because I'm not. The end. Which is dumb. I'm just asking for trouble. I'm asking to get my heart stepped on again.

When will I learn?

Apparently not soon enough.

Taking a break.

...from working on my reorganization of my digital music collection. (which has been ongoing since I got here. I've gotten almost everything organized, and am now in the process of relinking songs on my iTunes, which is tedious and time consuming.)

So, my roommate Paul has been unemployed since June of last year. He was let go from a graphics design firm after 20 years. Got a fatty severance package, and took six months off of life and got back into school to learn more about the web design aspect of graphics. He's still looking for a job...and well, the severance package is about gone. He's beginning to worry about how to continue paying for the house we live in, bills, the whole nine. He's had several interviews, several second interviews, third interviews, and yet...nothing. and while I've put in about a dozen applications various places, I have yet to receive a phone call from anywhere. Being unemployed is getting to both of us.

Been talking to Greg a lot since he and Brooke split. Which...is what it is. There's talk that he might come down to FL to visit me in September and/or October. Basically, we've established that we enjoy each other's company, but that the distance makes things hard. We've also established that both of us are really not in places where any sort of serious relationship is a good idea. (he's getting over Brooke in a strange way, and I'm trying to put myself back together) So. I adore him. He adores me. That's all we have, and frankly, all we need. We've now reached a point where we can be completely honest with each other from an emotional standpoint--which is awesome. He's spending the week in Alaska on a cruise with his family...and invited me to tag along, which would have been amazing. However, plane fare to meet up with them cost monies, and well...I lack monies. So. Still in Florida.

Been researching counselors and psychologists, and have narrowed it down to the one I think I'll be going to. He's close by, and his school of psychology is something I'm interested in, and think I'd be willing to work with. So, now it's a matter of figuring out the insurance stuff and scheduling an appointment. If the insurance aspect doesn't work out, I will be crabby. Seriously crabby.

I think I'm reaching the point where I need to start job hunting outside of coffee...I just really don't like the idea of working some shithole job that I will hate. As nerdy and weird as it sounds, coffee is my calling, my passion...and everything else I've tried, I've been able to do, but not necessarily succeed. I got by at Old Navy, but I hated it, and well...they weren't giant fans of me either. HT (both places) loved me, but at WestCo, I was generally awful at getting people to sign up for things and hated asking. Crestwood was whatever...I wasn't expected to sign people up for shit, because we all knew the store was closing. I just...I love coffee, I'm great at all aspects of it, I have a ton of experience...I didn't think that finding a job would be this difficult, to be honest. Oh well. I will find something when I am meant to find something, and until then, all I can do is continue looking and filling out applications.

*sigh*

Part of me is so ready to get back into the work force. The other part of me is terrified of screwing it up...or letting my depression screw it up. Kaldis and DC were both experiences that were immensely effected by my mental state at the time...and while I'm trying hard to get better, there are days where I'm not great. and well...I don't want to blow it again.

Mk. I need to attempt sleep. It's 4AM.