Familiar patterns.

Weird interview. Weird vibes. Will I take the job? I don't know, honestly. Will I get the job? I also don't know...and almost think not, because of the "audition" they're wanting me to do. Just seems strange to me.

The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)

I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.

Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.

I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.

Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.

No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.