So...I'm quitting smoking. and eating. and driving anywhere that isn't work. I'll only wash my hair every other day. I won't buy anything I don't need, and even then....
I'm going to start selling movies. maybe my tv and ps2.
I'm getting a second job. I'm giving up my life.
I just can't seem to cut it money-wise.
what more can I do?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Long Long Long...
It's been a long long long time,
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you.
It took a long long long time
Now I'm so happy I found you
How I love you
So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--
Now I can see you, be you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you.
Ooh I love you.
This song still breaks my heart a little.
I'm realizing that my heart's still a little broken, regardless.
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you.
It took a long long long time
Now I'm so happy I found you
How I love you
So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--
Now I can see you, be you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh I love you
You know that I need you.
Ooh I love you.
This song still breaks my heart a little.
I'm realizing that my heart's still a little broken, regardless.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I want to bomb my fridge.
I start at Kaldi's tomorrow. It's just orientation, yay paperwork...but still. We're working our way out of the darkness that has been the last month.
I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.
I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.
Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.
...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.
I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.
But I really fucking hate yogurt.
I don't think it's hit me yet, because I'm still all out of sorts. I'm still basically eating nothing but yogurt and the occasional trip to t-bell for 89 cent tacos. I feel like garbage. I'm still crying more than I'd like to admit, I'm still moodier than normal, I'm still completely on edge when I have nothing to keep me distracted from myself. I hate that I can't be comfortable in my home...and it has nothing to do with my home as a place, it has to deal with my state of mind.
I'm still on edge. I'm still dealing with this depression and all that comes with it. Some of it the same, as it always is. The nightmares. The intense desire to do nothing and everything, all at once. It usually doesn't come with this anger, at least lasting this long and this fierce. The only other time I remember my depression coupling with anger was at Maryville, right before things hit their lowest. That worries me more.
Part of me wonders if my depression in general isn't partly self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect it, I worry about it constantly, endlessly, getting out of control. I wonder if part of me right now isn't subconsciously making it happen.
...which doesn't actually make me feel any better. Shocker.
I'm tired of whining. I feel like it's all I do. and yet...here I am.
But I really fucking hate yogurt.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
irony is just a tool.
Had an interview at Lone Wolf last weekend. Weird vibes from the place. Weird vibes from the manager. Weird, icky vibes in general from this.
Have an interview at Kaldi's on Friday. I feel good about this one. Talking to the manager, even on the phone, I felt warm. He sounded like a ray of sunshine.
It's been strange, to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't since the store closed. I'm not entirely surprised about the results. Garrett and I have leaned on each other hard the past few months, way before the store closing and all that. I'm not particularly sure how--it was like we woke up one day and realized the other was there, REALLY there. I've seen him plenty, we talk plenty. I'm happy about this. Becky and Christian are making sure to stick around in my life thusfar. Which is great.
Everyone else has been pretty elusive. This is really all the more I want to talk about it, because, honestly, it upsets me.
I have a stack of business cards from regulars on my desk, people that wanted me to keep in touch and all that. I think I'll send out emails later today, after I go register for class.
It's strange. There are some days that I find myself really missing the STORE, really missing those people in particular, all that, but I've realized in all honesty the thing I miss the most is my own mental stability concerning money. I didn't realize how much this would effect me, effect my mindset. These highs and lows are getting to me, wearing me out. I don't think anyone has really put it together how much this has messed me up. Granted, one of the things I'm best at is pushing that shit down and putting on a happy face when I have to. This is why every time I lose my mind, no one expects it.
I'm worried if things don't change soon for the better, that another round of crazy is to come.
Here's a song. I know I've been bad about posting music, but I haven't necessarily been able to wrap my head around what it is that I've been listening to as of late. It changes. The Ascetic Junkies are a mainstay. I want their new album desperately, but I don't have the 8 bucks to get it, so I have to keep myself entertained with the old stuff. This song in particular, never used to be one of my favorites, is now speaking to me volumes.
http://www.mediafire.com/?865h13cjlov13b5
Have an interview at Kaldi's on Friday. I feel good about this one. Talking to the manager, even on the phone, I felt warm. He sounded like a ray of sunshine.
It's been strange, to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't since the store closed. I'm not entirely surprised about the results. Garrett and I have leaned on each other hard the past few months, way before the store closing and all that. I'm not particularly sure how--it was like we woke up one day and realized the other was there, REALLY there. I've seen him plenty, we talk plenty. I'm happy about this. Becky and Christian are making sure to stick around in my life thusfar. Which is great.
Everyone else has been pretty elusive. This is really all the more I want to talk about it, because, honestly, it upsets me.
I have a stack of business cards from regulars on my desk, people that wanted me to keep in touch and all that. I think I'll send out emails later today, after I go register for class.
It's strange. There are some days that I find myself really missing the STORE, really missing those people in particular, all that, but I've realized in all honesty the thing I miss the most is my own mental stability concerning money. I didn't realize how much this would effect me, effect my mindset. These highs and lows are getting to me, wearing me out. I don't think anyone has really put it together how much this has messed me up. Granted, one of the things I'm best at is pushing that shit down and putting on a happy face when I have to. This is why every time I lose my mind, no one expects it.
I'm worried if things don't change soon for the better, that another round of crazy is to come.
Here's a song. I know I've been bad about posting music, but I haven't necessarily been able to wrap my head around what it is that I've been listening to as of late. It changes. The Ascetic Junkies are a mainstay. I want their new album desperately, but I don't have the 8 bucks to get it, so I have to keep myself entertained with the old stuff. This song in particular, never used to be one of my favorites, is now speaking to me volumes.
http://www.mediafire.com/?865h13cjlov13b5
Saturday, October 30, 2010
You, you you....
I need a life. And yet I turn down the one I have. It makes no sense to me.
You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.
You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.
You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.
You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.
Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.
Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.
You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.
You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.
You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.
You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.
Being solitary suits you to a point.
Whatever.
This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.
Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.
Talking in circles. Time to go.
You could be at a costume party with Jen. You could be hanging out with Greg. You could have made plans with Garrett, or Laura, or anyone else that's around. And yet, you've spent the day moping around your apartment, eating when you weren't particularly hungry, drinking too much tea, watching too many movies, filling out too many online applications to places you don't particularly want to work.
You feel numb. You don't realize that you're pushing people away til it's too late, til you've already told everyone that you didn't want to go out, you just wanted a low-key day at home. Wow, Burgs. Not like you haven't had a myriad of those since the store closed.
You hate how clean your apartment is. You wish it would mess itself up, like when you had a life and didn't have time to clean. Now all you DO is clean, and therefore...no messes happen.
You also realize that it's the time of year...the day hasn't gone un-noted in your world. It's sad that this is still a bit of an anniversary of sorts for YOU. The other party probably hasn't thought about it in...well, probably at least two years.
Tomorrow is Halloween. Do you have plans? No. Christian and Beck will come over [to watch yet another movie, just what you need to do], they'll leave and you'll be here again, by yourself. You might even do homework. You might read. You might watch another movie.
Then the week starts all over again. Job hunting, moping, the occasional class. Wow.
You never realized how much having a job affects you. Then again, it's been awhile since you've been unemployed.
You are your own worst enemy. You do this to yourself, every time. You're very good at isolation. Depression doesn't necessarily suit you, yet you wear it enough.
You also picked a really stupid time to try and quit back on smoking. Although if you weren't unemployed, you wouldn't have even thought about it. It's more of a money issue. However, it's making you crazy. It's also making you eat all the damn time, which is why you have no groceries. Ugh. Food is more expensive than smoking. You should just smoke when you want to. At least right now.
You need to go out at least once a day. Or at least call someone every day. Aside from the texts to cancel plans, you haven't spoken to anyone all day. Sheesh.
Being solitary suits you to a point.
Whatever.
This isn't productive. You're just beating yourself up for things you can't necessarily control. You're allowed to be upset and out of sorts about losing your job. Especially out of the blue like that. Especially under the circumstances. Especially when your job hunt has been painfully unfruitful.
Grant yourself some grace. Just don't get complacent.
Talking in circles. Time to go.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
just more nonsense.
I know I haven't written much. There hasn't been much to say.
Yes, a lot's happened, but...*shrug* it's happened, I have to move forward. I have to say though, the last day was hard, but not. It was hard at two points: when Garrett left at 11, and right at 1, when I was talking to the few regulars left. [Mostly Eric, who has always been my favorite.] Craig rolled in about 1:30 while we were cleaning. Ging kept crying, Becky kept mumbling French obscenities--I took a bit of joy in taking care of my girls and making sure Craig felt like a douche. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get ghetto in his face. I was calm. Hell, maybe I'm growing.
It's been a weird week. Yes, I've seen Garrett almost every day. Hung out with Jake.Got coffee with Austin. Getting lunch with Lauren and Ging here in a few hours. Talked to Beck n Boosh almost every night. I still feel off. I almost want to call Mrs. G. Call Eric. Hell, I'd even take some of the regulars I didn't like so much. And watching someone else make my coffee kinda hurts. [Mokabes was good, in that Ronnie let me behind the counter to do myself.] I miss our little family.
I need to work on getting myself out of this house and yet not spending money. It's easy for me to hide in here and wait to be drawn out.
...See, this is why I don't write much. I feel like I'm not making any sense. Where is my grasp on the English language lately?
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Yes, a lot's happened, but...*shrug* it's happened, I have to move forward. I have to say though, the last day was hard, but not. It was hard at two points: when Garrett left at 11, and right at 1, when I was talking to the few regulars left. [Mostly Eric, who has always been my favorite.] Craig rolled in about 1:30 while we were cleaning. Ging kept crying, Becky kept mumbling French obscenities--I took a bit of joy in taking care of my girls and making sure Craig felt like a douche. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get ghetto in his face. I was calm. Hell, maybe I'm growing.
It's been a weird week. Yes, I've seen Garrett almost every day. Hung out with Jake.Got coffee with Austin. Getting lunch with Lauren and Ging here in a few hours. Talked to Beck n Boosh almost every night. I still feel off. I almost want to call Mrs. G. Call Eric. Hell, I'd even take some of the regulars I didn't like so much. And watching someone else make my coffee kinda hurts. [Mokabes was good, in that Ronnie let me behind the counter to do myself.] I miss our little family.
I need to work on getting myself out of this house and yet not spending money. It's easy for me to hide in here and wait to be drawn out.
...See, this is why I don't write much. I feel like I'm not making any sense. Where is my grasp on the English language lately?
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
#27--The beginning of the end.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
IAG is closing. Friday, the last day. I will have worked the first day we opened, and will be the last one working on the last day. Eesh.
Put in an app at Sbux. I didn't want to, but...I need a job. I need to stay in coffee, or lose my sanity.
Things are complicated, rough, stupid, depressing. We've all been spending so much time at the store since the announcement Friday. It's weird to roll up there and not see at least one other kid not scheduled there.
I am struggling so hard. I keep hearing that this is a part of God's plan, that we all will look back and understand. I hear it. I appreciate what they're saying. However, I don't believe it. I can't believe it. All I see right now is chaos, uncertainty. Sadness.
I'm behind in school, again. I can't bring myself to anything but a sense of guilty apathy. I'm still not unpacked at the apartment. Yet...apathy. I'm feeling apathetic in just about every area of my life. I had pushed through a rough patch at work, and everything felt right as rain. Now, this.
I'm craving the loving smiles of friends right now, and there just seems to be an intense lack of it. We're all sad. There are so many people I'm going to miss. Not just other employees, but customers. My regulars who brighten my day. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from bashing my head against the wall is Mrs. G's smile, or a hilarious story from Eric, or Anthony's snarky comments. I just...what am I going to do without them?
Monetary worries are secondary, but oh so present.
I know me. I'll bounce back into another job. I'll grow to love it, and I'll always have fond memories of the mug. I know that I'm resilient and tough and the myriad of other things people have been telling me. but I feel none of that right now. I feel like a quivering mess of depressed and furious jello right now.
Blugh.
IAG is closing. Friday, the last day. I will have worked the first day we opened, and will be the last one working on the last day. Eesh.
Put in an app at Sbux. I didn't want to, but...I need a job. I need to stay in coffee, or lose my sanity.
Things are complicated, rough, stupid, depressing. We've all been spending so much time at the store since the announcement Friday. It's weird to roll up there and not see at least one other kid not scheduled there.
I am struggling so hard. I keep hearing that this is a part of God's plan, that we all will look back and understand. I hear it. I appreciate what they're saying. However, I don't believe it. I can't believe it. All I see right now is chaos, uncertainty. Sadness.
I'm behind in school, again. I can't bring myself to anything but a sense of guilty apathy. I'm still not unpacked at the apartment. Yet...apathy. I'm feeling apathetic in just about every area of my life. I had pushed through a rough patch at work, and everything felt right as rain. Now, this.
I'm craving the loving smiles of friends right now, and there just seems to be an intense lack of it. We're all sad. There are so many people I'm going to miss. Not just other employees, but customers. My regulars who brighten my day. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from bashing my head against the wall is Mrs. G's smile, or a hilarious story from Eric, or Anthony's snarky comments. I just...what am I going to do without them?
Monetary worries are secondary, but oh so present.
I know me. I'll bounce back into another job. I'll grow to love it, and I'll always have fond memories of the mug. I know that I'm resilient and tough and the myriad of other things people have been telling me. but I feel none of that right now. I feel like a quivering mess of depressed and furious jello right now.
Blugh.
Monday, October 11, 2010
#26: Oh Lord.
I have internet again. Woot!
I realize generally that while I have a generally logical head on my shoulder, it gets clouded by snap judgments and emotions and...well, cute things. I'd hope that I'd be aware enough to see it before things blow up too much. Hmm. I see it happening now. I also continue to watch myself do nothing in particular to stop it. I should probably be learning a lesson here, but I see no lesson to learn. Therefore...I just try and put my emotions in my back pocket and continue on with my journey. I should get out now, but I'm having too much fun and am enjoying you too much in my life to stop. Maybe that's the lesson. Stop having fun and refocus.
My new place is grand. Once I actually get everything unpacked, I promise pictures.
I have so much homework to do. I really can't write as much as I'd like. I promise an update soon.
Here's a song I'm obsessed wtih. It has become one of the theme songs for opening with Garrett, mostly because it is fabulous, and well...it's the Strokes (G's fav) and Regina Spektor (my fav.)
hxxp://www.mediafire.com/?e366sw5zot8
[xx->tt]
I realize generally that while I have a generally logical head on my shoulder, it gets clouded by snap judgments and emotions and...well, cute things. I'd hope that I'd be aware enough to see it before things blow up too much. Hmm. I see it happening now. I also continue to watch myself do nothing in particular to stop it. I should probably be learning a lesson here, but I see no lesson to learn. Therefore...I just try and put my emotions in my back pocket and continue on with my journey. I should get out now, but I'm having too much fun and am enjoying you too much in my life to stop. Maybe that's the lesson. Stop having fun and refocus.
My new place is grand. Once I actually get everything unpacked, I promise pictures.
I have so much homework to do. I really can't write as much as I'd like. I promise an update soon.
Here's a song I'm obsessed wtih. It has become one of the theme songs for opening with Garrett, mostly because it is fabulous, and well...it's the Strokes (G's fav) and Regina Spektor (my fav.)
hxxp://www.mediafire.com/?e366sw5zot8
[xx->tt]
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
24: short n sweet.
my life as of recent has consisted of the following:
workclasshomeworknapworkworkredtreeworkworkworkworkclasshomeworknapcoffee.
Moving out is being put on hold for a moment to help take care of my grandparents. Which...I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm totally cool with, it's fine, I'm more than happy to do it. In all reality, the immature baby part of me is totally pouting and fussing about it, saying things like "I've spent the last three years dealing with their shenanigans! It's not fair, right on the cusp of my freedom!"
But...they've helped me, and now it's my chance to return the favor. And a month isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things. I'm just whining, as usual.
mk. I'll update soon, promise. I just have too much to do right now. <3
workclasshomeworknapworkworkredtreeworkworkworkworkclasshomeworknapcoffee.
Moving out is being put on hold for a moment to help take care of my grandparents. Which...I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm totally cool with, it's fine, I'm more than happy to do it. In all reality, the immature baby part of me is totally pouting and fussing about it, saying things like "I've spent the last three years dealing with their shenanigans! It's not fair, right on the cusp of my freedom!"
But...they've helped me, and now it's my chance to return the favor. And a month isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things. I'm just whining, as usual.
mk. I'll update soon, promise. I just have too much to do right now. <3
Thursday, August 12, 2010
#23: We interrupt your blog reading for a daily dose of...
freaking out.
IDON'TWANTTOGOYOUCAN'TMAKEMEITHINKIWILLJUSTMISSMYFLIGHTIDON'TWANTTODOTHIS.
I'm being a child. I'm aware.
Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
I'll be in Ohio for the weekend. FML.
IDON'TWANTTOGOYOUCAN'TMAKEMEITHINKIWILLJUSTMISSMYFLIGHTIDON'TWANTTODOTHIS.
I'm being a child. I'm aware.
Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
I'll be in Ohio for the weekend. FML.
Friday, August 6, 2010
#22.
Oh hai.
I didn't forget you, per se. Everything is a balancing act for me, and well...I've had some problems balancing as of late. Struggling to get in enough to even relax, let alone write and be with my thoughts...though, in a way, I cannot let myself be frustrated by this. This is exactly the way I've created my life to be. This is the only way I seem to function without indulging myself too much in my own depression and depravity.
I just kind of need a moment to freak out about a few things, and then I can polish the mask of busy-ness and continue on with my life.
I'm going to Ohio to see Bob [ex-stepdad/legal dad] next weekend. I'm freaking out about this mostly because...I don't want to go. It's not a convenient time, a lot of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, I will need to be getting READY for school, I need to be working as much as possible, all that. It's just not great timing. He wants me to meet his new live-in girlfriend. Which...I'm not sure how to handle. I'm not stupid. This is the woman who had a large part in destroying my parents' marriage. While I've come to terms with the fact that this is definitely better for both of them to be apart, it's still bothersome. Bob and I have always had some major issues in our relationship [mostly a lack of understanding of how the other one thinks and functions] and this makes things hard. We don't mesh well, the end. But at the same time...he's making an effort. He extended this invitation, he's the one making it happen, so I have to accept and go and hope for my sanity and survival.
School. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm not even really that worried about my classes, per se. I'm worried that I won't have time to even think about them. I'm worried that once again my brain will mis-prioritize [this is now a word] and school will end up floating towards the bottom. I can't do this. I need to focus on my education. School is such a frustrating subject for me. I'm 23, and I'm working on getting my associate's. I hate that it took so long for me to take school somewhat seriously, and even now I feel like a joke and a failure. No matter how I rationalize it, being at JeffCo is EMBARRASSING. I came to St. Louis on a full academic scholarship for Maryville University, a prestigious private school and fast forward five years, and I'm at JeffCo. Yes, circumstances happen, mental breakdowns happen, life happens. I hate that I'm embarrassed in the first place. In all honesty, I'm proud that I went back to school after all that. I'm proud of the fact that I chose to save some money and take care of things while I decided what I needed most from my education. I guess it's just awkward that half of my friends don't even actually know that I'm at JeffCo. They think I'm still at UMSL. And well...let em think it. At least that's a bit less embarrassing...but in all reality, I need to get over myself. I will be done at JeffCo in May. I will have a degree, and I will be en route to get my business degree at UMSL.
I have other stuff I want to write about, but I reeeeeeally need to get to sleep. Working a double tomorrow and stopping by the IAG party after work version 2.0. Busy busy day. I promise to finish this update this weekend. :)
I didn't forget you, per se. Everything is a balancing act for me, and well...I've had some problems balancing as of late. Struggling to get in enough to even relax, let alone write and be with my thoughts...though, in a way, I cannot let myself be frustrated by this. This is exactly the way I've created my life to be. This is the only way I seem to function without indulging myself too much in my own depression and depravity.
I just kind of need a moment to freak out about a few things, and then I can polish the mask of busy-ness and continue on with my life.
I'm going to Ohio to see Bob [ex-stepdad/legal dad] next weekend. I'm freaking out about this mostly because...I don't want to go. It's not a convenient time, a lot of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, I will need to be getting READY for school, I need to be working as much as possible, all that. It's just not great timing. He wants me to meet his new live-in girlfriend. Which...I'm not sure how to handle. I'm not stupid. This is the woman who had a large part in destroying my parents' marriage. While I've come to terms with the fact that this is definitely better for both of them to be apart, it's still bothersome. Bob and I have always had some major issues in our relationship [mostly a lack of understanding of how the other one thinks and functions] and this makes things hard. We don't mesh well, the end. But at the same time...he's making an effort. He extended this invitation, he's the one making it happen, so I have to accept and go and hope for my sanity and survival.
School. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm not even really that worried about my classes, per se. I'm worried that I won't have time to even think about them. I'm worried that once again my brain will mis-prioritize [this is now a word] and school will end up floating towards the bottom. I can't do this. I need to focus on my education. School is such a frustrating subject for me. I'm 23, and I'm working on getting my associate's. I hate that it took so long for me to take school somewhat seriously, and even now I feel like a joke and a failure. No matter how I rationalize it, being at JeffCo is EMBARRASSING. I came to St. Louis on a full academic scholarship for Maryville University, a prestigious private school and fast forward five years, and I'm at JeffCo. Yes, circumstances happen, mental breakdowns happen, life happens. I hate that I'm embarrassed in the first place. In all honesty, I'm proud that I went back to school after all that. I'm proud of the fact that I chose to save some money and take care of things while I decided what I needed most from my education. I guess it's just awkward that half of my friends don't even actually know that I'm at JeffCo. They think I'm still at UMSL. And well...let em think it. At least that's a bit less embarrassing...but in all reality, I need to get over myself. I will be done at JeffCo in May. I will have a degree, and I will be en route to get my business degree at UMSL.
I have other stuff I want to write about, but I reeeeeeally need to get to sleep. Working a double tomorrow and stopping by the IAG party after work version 2.0. Busy busy day. I promise to finish this update this weekend. :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
#21: "Birds of Sadness"
There's this Chinese proverb I once heard that has always stuck with me.
“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”
[My automatic snotty response is "yes, buy a hat."]
Regardless.
I feel like more often than not, the birds of sadness have not only nesting in my hair, but build condos, a Starbucks, and have formed a whole little nation up there. I know a lot of it has to do with my own mental diag-nonsense, which dictates more of my life than I really would like. Right now, it's affecting my sleeping, which is leaking into all parts of my life, in that I am no fun when I am tired, and am even crabbier, sadder, and quicker to anger. Which leads to an increase in caffeine consumption, which I know is horrendous for me, which also probably aids in my not sleeping and horrible nightmares, and it snowballs. And this is just with something as simple as sleeping.
I got a second job. At Hot Topic. Again. It's not horrible. If nothing else, easy work, easy money. I know I won't have to hang out with those kids, so luckily it's not yet another social requirement. But when my ASM asked if I knew James, it was a tiny knife-blade to the heart. I covered it up, as I always do, and gave vague answers.
The Starbucks kids are a sore subject for me. Sometimes, I want to talk about them. I want to relive that moment in time where I thought these people were true friends, that we were a family, the family that I desperately needed then, and that nothing would ever ruin that. But even then, this usually is something I do on my own, in my head, with my own thoughts. Most of the time, this subject is painful, and sends my brain into the intensely depressive thought mode.
These kids are just another example in why I struggle to trust anyone past a certain point. These were people who I would have died for, given anything for, and for them...I was a sideshow. My depression, my suicide attempts, my situation with school, my relationship with Kyle--all of it was fodder for their snarky chats over post work martinis. It makes me want to die now, thinking how much I put my trust in some of them, only to have it broken as much as it was. Learning about the extent of this and a myriad of other things has forced the wall up, that much higher, that much thicker.
I do not disclose. I do not let the world into my life past a certain point. Garrett is in farther than I would like, in all honesty, but not too much. Part of me genuinely trusts him. Part of me knows the part that trusts him sees a lot of past things in him too. Part of me genuinely trusts Laura. This part is larger. This part also knows that if anything were to go south in our friendship, there's a lot at stake. Keeping her happy is always good. Lesley knows, if by nothing else, because she reads this. And Les is my girl. I'm not mad about her slipping through the wall of bullshit.
...
Ok. I have NO idea where my brain is going with this entry at all.
At any rate, I need to be getting up to do things, and I've wasted an hour.
I'm planning another entry soon that will be a music-inspired post. I don't normally plan journal entries, but this one needs to happen. I might even write it later today. I'm not sure. So I'm not posting a song here, now. but next time.
<3
“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”
[My automatic snotty response is "yes, buy a hat."]
Regardless.
I feel like more often than not, the birds of sadness have not only nesting in my hair, but build condos, a Starbucks, and have formed a whole little nation up there. I know a lot of it has to do with my own mental diag-nonsense, which dictates more of my life than I really would like. Right now, it's affecting my sleeping, which is leaking into all parts of my life, in that I am no fun when I am tired, and am even crabbier, sadder, and quicker to anger. Which leads to an increase in caffeine consumption, which I know is horrendous for me, which also probably aids in my not sleeping and horrible nightmares, and it snowballs. And this is just with something as simple as sleeping.
I got a second job. At Hot Topic. Again. It's not horrible. If nothing else, easy work, easy money. I know I won't have to hang out with those kids, so luckily it's not yet another social requirement. But when my ASM asked if I knew James, it was a tiny knife-blade to the heart. I covered it up, as I always do, and gave vague answers.
The Starbucks kids are a sore subject for me. Sometimes, I want to talk about them. I want to relive that moment in time where I thought these people were true friends, that we were a family, the family that I desperately needed then, and that nothing would ever ruin that. But even then, this usually is something I do on my own, in my head, with my own thoughts. Most of the time, this subject is painful, and sends my brain into the intensely depressive thought mode.
These kids are just another example in why I struggle to trust anyone past a certain point. These were people who I would have died for, given anything for, and for them...I was a sideshow. My depression, my suicide attempts, my situation with school, my relationship with Kyle--all of it was fodder for their snarky chats over post work martinis. It makes me want to die now, thinking how much I put my trust in some of them, only to have it broken as much as it was. Learning about the extent of this and a myriad of other things has forced the wall up, that much higher, that much thicker.
I do not disclose. I do not let the world into my life past a certain point. Garrett is in farther than I would like, in all honesty, but not too much. Part of me genuinely trusts him. Part of me knows the part that trusts him sees a lot of past things in him too. Part of me genuinely trusts Laura. This part is larger. This part also knows that if anything were to go south in our friendship, there's a lot at stake. Keeping her happy is always good. Lesley knows, if by nothing else, because she reads this. And Les is my girl. I'm not mad about her slipping through the wall of bullshit.
...
Ok. I have NO idea where my brain is going with this entry at all.
At any rate, I need to be getting up to do things, and I've wasted an hour.
I'm planning another entry soon that will be a music-inspired post. I don't normally plan journal entries, but this one needs to happen. I might even write it later today. I'm not sure. So I'm not posting a song here, now. but next time.
<3
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
#19: relationships, part two.
I promise this will be the last I write on this subject for awhile, mostly because I don't think this is a subject worth focusing so much of my time on. I've just had some really interesting things come up with it recently.
I was never really a girl who focused on romantic relationships. I was never a girl who was that interested in them. Apparently this phenomenon needed a label, and there it was, thanks to one of my old roommates: Quirkyalone. I sort of enjoyed that she had "invented" a word for me until I found out that it really wasn't for ME, per se...that it was from a book of the same title.
[Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility.]
I think it's pretty valid. I think it's a pretty wonderful way to live. I see no real issue with it.
Apparently, I am wrong.
Last weekend Lesley and I went to Ginger's grad party. We had a super fantastic time. At one point, Ginger's mom Holly, who came into the store all the time and therefore knows me, pulled me aside to chat. Which is cool, I love Holly. Until she started in on a weird string of questions.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Do you date?"
"You should. You're a lot of fun."
"Why don't you date?"
"Boys are great. You're at the prime of your dating life."
It made me laugh.
I also found out that not too long ago, our store owner Craig grilled Laura about my status of nondating. Apparently my boss has also inquired to Laura about this. My grandparents bug me about it constantly. My mom too.
It was a topic of conversation that I had with Laura the other day. She had an interesting argument: My status as a Quirkyalone seemed to be more "counter-cultural" than her sexuality.
I was quick to deny it, until she listed off her argument. [See above examples.]
She also said that it was strange for HER to know this about us, that as far as relationships go, she was not used to being the more "normal" one. Because while the partner she seeks isn't exactly the norm, at least she is seeking one. Which is valid...hypothetically.
I guess I just don't understand what the fuss is about. I HAVE dated before. I've been in relationships before. Those relationships, at that time and that place, I wanted to be in. I felt comfortable in. I felt a genuine connection to that person. And yes, those connections didn't last, but so be it. I've lived and learned from each of those relationships, no major harm, no major foul.
I don't understand society's need to push us together, to couple us off. I get more love from my friends than from one person at this point in my life. Things change. The love of my life might walk into my world tomorrow, who knows? Until then, I will not be pressured by outside forces to date, to get suckered into a relationship that I do not want to be in.
This isn't to say that I wouldn't date. I just won't settle at this point for dating someone who I don't think would be a long term thing. Why date if the ultimate goal is nowhere in sight? *shrug* It seems counterproductive.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my point. Sorry for the rambling. I need to get some sleep. G'night lovelies.
I was never really a girl who focused on romantic relationships. I was never a girl who was that interested in them. Apparently this phenomenon needed a label, and there it was, thanks to one of my old roommates: Quirkyalone. I sort of enjoyed that she had "invented" a word for me until I found out that it really wasn't for ME, per se...that it was from a book of the same title.
[Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility.]
I think it's pretty valid. I think it's a pretty wonderful way to live. I see no real issue with it.
Apparently, I am wrong.
Last weekend Lesley and I went to Ginger's grad party. We had a super fantastic time. At one point, Ginger's mom Holly, who came into the store all the time and therefore knows me, pulled me aside to chat. Which is cool, I love Holly. Until she started in on a weird string of questions.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Do you date?"
"You should. You're a lot of fun."
"Why don't you date?"
"Boys are great. You're at the prime of your dating life."
It made me laugh.
I also found out that not too long ago, our store owner Craig grilled Laura about my status of nondating. Apparently my boss has also inquired to Laura about this. My grandparents bug me about it constantly. My mom too.
It was a topic of conversation that I had with Laura the other day. She had an interesting argument: My status as a Quirkyalone seemed to be more "counter-cultural" than her sexuality.
I was quick to deny it, until she listed off her argument. [See above examples.]
She also said that it was strange for HER to know this about us, that as far as relationships go, she was not used to being the more "normal" one. Because while the partner she seeks isn't exactly the norm, at least she is seeking one. Which is valid...hypothetically.
I guess I just don't understand what the fuss is about. I HAVE dated before. I've been in relationships before. Those relationships, at that time and that place, I wanted to be in. I felt comfortable in. I felt a genuine connection to that person. And yes, those connections didn't last, but so be it. I've lived and learned from each of those relationships, no major harm, no major foul.
I don't understand society's need to push us together, to couple us off. I get more love from my friends than from one person at this point in my life. Things change. The love of my life might walk into my world tomorrow, who knows? Until then, I will not be pressured by outside forces to date, to get suckered into a relationship that I do not want to be in.
This isn't to say that I wouldn't date. I just won't settle at this point for dating someone who I don't think would be a long term thing. Why date if the ultimate goal is nowhere in sight? *shrug* It seems counterproductive.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my point. Sorry for the rambling. I need to get some sleep. G'night lovelies.
Monday, June 21, 2010
#18: A lazily explained mini-epiphany. Of sorts.
I'm realizing that I am way too self reliant...to the point where I don't know how to let people in.
The idea of romantic relationships has been floating around in my world lately. The situation with "the boy" is honestly one of the more annoying things happening in my world right now, but only because my standards of what I think I deserve are so high. It's hard. I refuse to date just to be "with" someone, because being "with" myself is hard enough sometimes, without dealing with other people's junk. However, there most definitely are moments of loneliness, a craving for that sort of connection. However, with "the boy" I don't feel it. I feel a friendship connection, and even then, one of those friendships, where, like a few other boys I know, I don't see very often because I know of their feelings for me and it makes me feel guilty.
Think about the logistics of romantic relationships for a second. It's sort of amazing that anyone gets together at all. I mean, there are a lot of prerequisites:
-You have to like someone in a romantic fashion.
-They have to like you in a romantic fashion.
-You have to like each other at the *same time*.
-You have to like ONLY them and have no previous connection.
-They have to like ONLY you and have no previous connection.
-You have to be in a similar region/willing to stick it out outside of that region.
See? It's harder than one might think....but at the same time, when it happens, really truly happens, it's the simplest thing in the world.
"The boy" is simple, but not in a way that is romantic or comfortable. He's simple in that his plane of existence is simple. His activities and life are simple, and well...it just wouldn't work between us.
He makes me feel guilty. I enjoy being thought of romantically. I enjoy being liked. I just wish the thoughts were coming from someone else.
*sigh*
I can't focus anymore. My tummy is rumbling.
Here are a couple songs that seem to be speaking to me this morning.
Bright Eyes--A Perfect Sonnet
http://www.mediafire.com/?znwmmzfzyyn
Come Pick Me Up--Ryan Adams
http://www.mediafire.com/?uwmdybvimqn
The idea of romantic relationships has been floating around in my world lately. The situation with "the boy" is honestly one of the more annoying things happening in my world right now, but only because my standards of what I think I deserve are so high. It's hard. I refuse to date just to be "with" someone, because being "with" myself is hard enough sometimes, without dealing with other people's junk. However, there most definitely are moments of loneliness, a craving for that sort of connection. However, with "the boy" I don't feel it. I feel a friendship connection, and even then, one of those friendships, where, like a few other boys I know, I don't see very often because I know of their feelings for me and it makes me feel guilty.
Think about the logistics of romantic relationships for a second. It's sort of amazing that anyone gets together at all. I mean, there are a lot of prerequisites:
-You have to like someone in a romantic fashion.
-They have to like you in a romantic fashion.
-You have to like each other at the *same time*.
-You have to like ONLY them and have no previous connection.
-They have to like ONLY you and have no previous connection.
-You have to be in a similar region/willing to stick it out outside of that region.
See? It's harder than one might think....but at the same time, when it happens, really truly happens, it's the simplest thing in the world.
"The boy" is simple, but not in a way that is romantic or comfortable. He's simple in that his plane of existence is simple. His activities and life are simple, and well...it just wouldn't work between us.
He makes me feel guilty. I enjoy being thought of romantically. I enjoy being liked. I just wish the thoughts were coming from someone else.
*sigh*
I can't focus anymore. My tummy is rumbling.
Here are a couple songs that seem to be speaking to me this morning.
Bright Eyes--A Perfect Sonnet
http://www.mediafire.com/?znwmmzfzyyn
Come Pick Me Up--Ryan Adams
http://www.mediafire.com/?uwmdybvimqn
Monday, June 14, 2010
#17,
Confession: I have been craving strawberry ice cream for the last three weeks straight.
...
I still haven't had it. Maybe I should do that tomorrow.
...
This has nothing to do with anything.
Yeah, anyway.
*sigh* I feel as if I should write. I feel like I have nothing to write. Therefore, I'm going to update my summer list from post #10.
SUMMER LIST: Things I wanna Do. [about 6 weeks in]
-Drink too much coffee. [Like I wouldn't accomplish this. Duuuh.]
-Spend too much time outside. [I got sun burnt and it took about three weeks to heal and now it's randomly 100 degrees every day. Inside plz.]
-Read. [I have been, although not as much as I would like.]
-Hang out with my friends. [Almost every day.]
-Weekly zoo visits with Lesley.[Ok, so...we've gone once. but work schedules and the weather are making this quite impossible.]
-t-shirt quilt. [need to set aside money for materials.]
-Learn to knit.
-Lost marathons with Garrett. [hahahaha. Doubtful. We've hung out once, and he's blown me off every other time within the last 6 weeks. Fail.]
-Go to at least two concerts. [Ticket possessed for Something Corporate. Deciding on Phoenix and a few other shows.]
-Make some money. [not yet.]
-Sleep in. [not yet.]
-Hang out at Mokabes. [Marking this off because duh. Moks is a constant. I need to go this week, it's been awhile.]
-Meet new people.
-Find a favorite new album. [meh. Right now, on a Wilco-MCS-Regina-K's Choice binge.]
-Dye my hair. Twice. [The first is probably Wednesday.]
-Buy new shoes.
-Save money. [HA.]
-Clean my room. [working on a massive reorganizational project.]
-Go on a float trip.
-Leave the bi-state area.
-Lazy days at home. [I've had a few pretty amazing ones. More plz.]
-crazy busy days out n about. [oh crap, yes. Happened, checked off.]
-See a movie. [I took myself to see Shrek. I will also be taking myself to see the new Toy Story movie, because I am a child.]
-Eat an ice cream cone.
-Watch the sun set. and rise. [maybe not in the same twenty four hours, but then again...maybe so.]
-Do something spontaneous.
-Do something nice for someone else. [I've done nice things but not the amazingly nice thing I apparently am holding myself to, so this stays unmarked.]
-Write.
-Find a new hobby.
-Enjoy myself, in the now. No worrying about the future.
I feel like I should be accomplishing more with my summer than working copious amounts and bullshitting around with my friends, but then again...why? It's all going to be fine. You're working plenty hard now. You'll be working even harder this fall. Convince yourself that you actually need a break because you're being an idiot by feeling lazy.
I'll post a song later. I'm not feeling too musical right now.
...
I still haven't had it. Maybe I should do that tomorrow.
...
This has nothing to do with anything.
Yeah, anyway.
*sigh* I feel as if I should write. I feel like I have nothing to write. Therefore, I'm going to update my summer list from post #10.
SUMMER LIST: Things I wanna Do. [about 6 weeks in]
-Spend too much time outside. [I got sun burnt and it took about three weeks to heal and now it's randomly 100 degrees every day. Inside plz.]
-Read. [I have been, although not as much as I would like.]
-Weekly zoo visits with Lesley.[Ok, so...we've gone once. but work schedules and the weather are making this quite impossible.]
-t-shirt quilt. [need to set aside money for materials.]
-Learn to knit.
-Lost marathons with Garrett. [hahahaha. Doubtful. We've hung out once, and he's blown me off every other time within the last 6 weeks. Fail.]
-Go to at least two concerts. [Ticket possessed for Something Corporate. Deciding on Phoenix and a few other shows.]
-Make some money. [not yet.]
-Sleep in. [not yet.]
-
-
-Find a favorite new album. [meh. Right now, on a Wilco-MCS-Regina-K's Choice binge.]
-Dye my hair. Twice. [The first is probably Wednesday.]
-Buy new shoes.
-Save money. [HA.]
-Clean my room. [working on a massive reorganizational project.]
-Go on a float trip.
-Leave the bi-state area.
-Eat an ice cream cone.
-Watch the sun set. and rise. [maybe not in the same twenty four hours, but then again...maybe so.]
-Do something nice for someone else. [I've done nice things but not the amazingly nice thing I apparently am holding myself to, so this stays unmarked.]
-Write.
-Find a new hobby.
-Enjoy myself, in the now. No worrying about the future.
I feel like I should be accomplishing more with my summer than working copious amounts and bullshitting around with my friends, but then again...why? It's all going to be fine. You're working plenty hard now. You'll be working even harder this fall. Convince yourself that you actually need a break because you're being an idiot by feeling lazy.
I'll post a song later. I'm not feeling too musical right now.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Post #16. Parents: A Wishlist.
-I wish that both of the father-figures would understand just how much they've scarred their children.
-I wish that my mom had stood up for us when we kids.
-I wish I understood them both better.
-I wish no one had to feel the physical and emotional abuse from them both.
-I wish they took the time to understand me.
-I wish they took an active interest in me growing up.
-I wish my biological father loved me as much as my brother. I wish my step-dad loved me as much as his addictions.
-I wish that the traits I despise most in myself--my ADD, my impatience, my tendency to go from zero to angry in 2.5 seconds--weren't traits from my father.
-I wish the love from my mom was enough.
-I wish that my biological family never reappeared in my life. but only sometimes, and only a little bit.
-I wish my brother hadn't forgiven my biological father until I was ready to.
-I wish that everyone would let go of their expectations for me.
-I wish that my half sisters didn't have the same emotional daddy issues as I do.
-I wish that I could trust them. Any of them.
-I wish I could forget the price tag my biological father gave up his children for.
-I wish I could forget my step-dad skipping my choir dinner because they didn't serve alcohol.
-I wish that these men had half the balls my mom does. She owned her shit and apologized.
-I wish they realized that an apology and a hug is all I really want.
Mostly, I wish I could let go of my wrath, bitterness, resentment, and disappointment and just be a good daughter, instead of this hateful bitch.
This song always makes me cry, including now.
K's Choice--Dad
http://www.mediafire.com/?yjeczlm1ywi
-I wish that my mom had stood up for us when we kids.
-I wish I understood them both better.
-I wish no one had to feel the physical and emotional abuse from them both.
-I wish they took the time to understand me.
-I wish they took an active interest in me growing up.
-I wish my biological father loved me as much as my brother. I wish my step-dad loved me as much as his addictions.
-I wish that the traits I despise most in myself--my ADD, my impatience, my tendency to go from zero to angry in 2.5 seconds--weren't traits from my father.
-I wish the love from my mom was enough.
-I wish that my biological family never reappeared in my life. but only sometimes, and only a little bit.
-I wish my brother hadn't forgiven my biological father until I was ready to.
-I wish that everyone would let go of their expectations for me.
-I wish that my half sisters didn't have the same emotional daddy issues as I do.
-I wish that I could trust them. Any of them.
-I wish I could forget the price tag my biological father gave up his children for.
-I wish I could forget my step-dad skipping my choir dinner because they didn't serve alcohol.
-I wish that these men had half the balls my mom does. She owned her shit and apologized.
-I wish they realized that an apology and a hug is all I really want.
Mostly, I wish I could let go of my wrath, bitterness, resentment, and disappointment and just be a good daughter, instead of this hateful bitch.
This song always makes me cry, including now.
K's Choice--Dad
http://www.mediafire.com/?yjeczlm1ywi
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Graaaaades.
Business: A
Management: A
Information Systems: B+
That dumb B+, ruining my streak. Oh well. I *cannot* be mad about this.
I cannot believe how far I've come academically. In all honesty, I'm really proud. I worked really hard this semester.
Keepin' it short. Gotta sleep. Just wanted to document.
Management: A
Information Systems: B+
That dumb B+, ruining my streak. Oh well. I *cannot* be mad about this.
I cannot believe how far I've come academically. In all honesty, I'm really proud. I worked really hard this semester.
Keepin' it short. Gotta sleep. Just wanted to document.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Post #13: Summa-time. ;)
Summer has already been weirdly dramatic, and it's only been a week.
The car accident was an annoying occurrence...fender bender, blown out of proportions, because apparently Chuck was having brake issues (so I suppose it was a good thing, in that they came to light and have since been fixed.) Luckily, no one was hurt, and while Mister WestCoFace is being annoying and dramatic about the whole thing, at the end of the day, no one was hurt and vehicles can be fixed. [and more dents add character to my car, so...no stress there. *laughs*]
One of my aspirations for the summer is to write every day. Not necessarily here [or my other blog] but also to get better about paper journaling. I have a thousand blank journals strewn around my room. [Well, not strewn. More like stacked neatly on my dresser.] Time to put them to use!
I had a great day today. I am really happy that I am taking the time to connect with Tara and am really happy that my and Les' friendship is growing stronger. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with Laura, which will be great. She and I's friendship has definitely changed, but I know at the end of the day, she's got my back, I have hers, and we're still besties--just in a different way. We have a few different focuses [foci?] and are busy in different ways.
[Let's see how many times I can use the word different in a sentence. Aaaaaaaand GO.]
Baby prairie dogs are stupid-adorable. Photographic evidence, thanks to the Jankberry:
That's really it. I'll upload a song next time. I'm hella tired, and am off to bed. <3
The car accident was an annoying occurrence...fender bender, blown out of proportions, because apparently Chuck was having brake issues (so I suppose it was a good thing, in that they came to light and have since been fixed.) Luckily, no one was hurt, and while Mister WestCoFace is being annoying and dramatic about the whole thing, at the end of the day, no one was hurt and vehicles can be fixed. [and more dents add character to my car, so...no stress there. *laughs*]
One of my aspirations for the summer is to write every day. Not necessarily here [or my other blog] but also to get better about paper journaling. I have a thousand blank journals strewn around my room. [Well, not strewn. More like stacked neatly on my dresser.] Time to put them to use!
I had a great day today. I am really happy that I am taking the time to connect with Tara and am really happy that my and Les' friendship is growing stronger. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with Laura, which will be great. She and I's friendship has definitely changed, but I know at the end of the day, she's got my back, I have hers, and we're still besties--just in a different way. We have a few different focuses [foci?] and are busy in different ways.
[Let's see how many times I can use the word different in a sentence. Aaaaaaaand GO.]
Baby prairie dogs are stupid-adorable. Photographic evidence, thanks to the Jankberry:
That's really it. I'll upload a song next time. I'm hella tired, and am off to bed. <3
Monday, May 17, 2010
Post #12: Reminder
Dear Burgy,
You have a temper. You have a tendency to get angry quickly, to react quickly, and to hold onto that negative energy.
This is not the way to handle things. You need to be patient, you need to be kind, and you need to be an adult and embrace the positive energy you admire so much in others.
Girl, give the world the love you so desperately desire and maybe it'll be returned.
Sincerely,
Burgy.
You have a temper. You have a tendency to get angry quickly, to react quickly, and to hold onto that negative energy.
This is not the way to handle things. You need to be patient, you need to be kind, and you need to be an adult and embrace the positive energy you admire so much in others.
Girl, give the world the love you so desperately desire and maybe it'll be returned.
Sincerely,
Burgy.
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