mistakes we know we're making...

I should have done a lot of things. I should have taken a day off...it wore me out to the point of getting walking pneumonia and bronchitis. So, all of those days off that I should have taken over the last month had to be compiled into this week and a half where I'm focusing on getting better.

I should have kept my mouth shut like I was asked to. I misjudged two people I thought I could trust, and it could have ended a lot worse. I had to do a lot of backpedaling and smoothing over.

Money will be fine, but taking this much time off, I may have to dip into my savings a bit. Plus, April was going to be a bit rough anyway, with Garrett and I going to KC next weekend, my mum and brother coming to town,the Decemberists with Boston, papers, and finals. I may end up working a bit longer in May to make up for it. [Not part of my original plan, but it'll be ok.]

I have a lot going on in my mind lately. I need to do some massive writing. I've had an idea of a project that I really want to get working on. I have the time, I just need to do a bit more pre-writing.

I'm so behind in school right now. I'm not sure how that happened. I have an A in sociology, a B in business writing, and a C in physics. I'm in the middle of playing catch up on book questions from physics, which will help that C...and I just have to stay on top of it the rest of the semester. The other two classes I'm ok with, just gotta keep on keeping on. I need to start working on my research paper for sociology, and my final paper for business writing. If I get these done sooner rather than later, the end of the semester will be faaaar less stressful.

Life is a balancing act. If things go out of whack, it gets harder for awhile...but eventually, things will sort themselves out, and you'll get the hang of it.

Clay's in town this week. We saw this movie last night, and I was impressed by the use of music in this movie. [Though Zach Synder's movies usually use amazing music.] So here's a link to the Sucker Punch soundtrack, along with this plea: go see this movie!

stupid girl.

You, my friend, seem to be a glutton for punishment.
The question is, as always: now what?


How do you fix this? Is there something to fix? Maybe everything is fine. I doubt it, but maybe.

I don't know. I need to decide whether or not to keep this mum. There is only one person I would like to talk to about it...just because we've been together on this since day one.

>_< I'm exhausted. I'm not making any sense because I haven't slept and work too much and too many days in a row and I'm going to run myself into the ground if I keep going at this pace.

Dear world, slow down.

I gotta homework.

One day...

"It’s time that I got myself a nice suit
So that I could look respectable for you
And it’s time that I built myself a refuge
So that I could hide away if I so choose

These days it feels that everything is changing
Used to be that every stride, you were standing by my side
But now it feels I’m walking on a tightrope
As I try to balance out how to make you proud

One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary

I will shine, I will radiate

One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary

I will take your breath away
And you almost don’t even recognize me
Saying, “How did you erase all but gorgeous from your face?”
But don’t be scared ‘cause I’ll live here forever
Won’t you take a venture out, won’t you take a venture out of there.

One day I’ll be perfect….

The stars will fall from skies above
But I am no prophet of doom
I just thought I’d warn you
It’s a service I provide for free to you
They call it love, babe.

One day I’ll be perfect…."

Army of Me. Your lyrics are cheesy, your musicality is sub-par at best, but dammit, I feel you on this.

One day I'll be perfect...til then, I'm just a disappointment.

How to Disappear Completely....

Got a hold of a documentary that I had been searching forever, about five kids going through their high school in Warsaw, Indiana. I'd bought the book that proceed the film version in a used book store that I was obsessed with in Indy back in the day, and finally finding the movie...it made me smile.

After watching it, in looking back at things since high school...I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. IF I went wrong...and where the hell that sweet, innocent, flat-out-STUPID girl I was back then went.

Yes, depression is something that I dealt with in high school. After my parents moved us to Indy in the middle of my freshman year, I took it hard. I didn't speak to anyone the rest of my freshman year, just focused on writing and studying. I isolated like MAD. I did a lot of this sophomore year too, until meeting Stu, and then eventually Ian. I forced myself to be social the latter two years, especially during the weird rough patches of Ian and I's psuedo-relationship crap, and got even more involved with things when my homelife became as awful as it did. It was easier to be out in the world. It was easier to put on a happy face, bury everything down deep, and give myself so much stuff to do that I didn't have time to think or feel or be anything.

I thought I had it rough then. I thought that the home issues were bad. I thought that I'd break from the pressure of everything I was doing then...but in all reality, no one was putting any pressure on me except me. No one expected me to do and be everything I was, except me.

I remember applying to schools, thinking about how college would change me. College would set me free, get me away from the oppressive and painful strangle of my parents. Would allow me to be someone aside from the chubby, awkward, painfully quiet girl with a few, like-minded nerdy friends. and yes, EVERYONE thinks that going away to college is going to change them. Going to make things better. For some people it does. Some people, it blows up in their face. Me...I'd say it was a mixed bag, leaning more towards the latter.

I'm attempting to process mostly where the smart girl who could get through anything went...and why these episodes the past few years have crippled me to the point where I'm 23 and just now, FINALLY, preparing to have an associate's degree. I look around and see people from high school that are married, having babies, grown up jobs, grown up lives...and here I am, in my grandparent's house, being baby-sat because I can't live on my own, working shitty jobs, feeling lonely and depressed. How in a few months I'm running back to my mommy with my tail tucked between my legs.

Dear god, when did I become such a loser?

Worse...or better?

I'm back in the BatCave in Fenton. The cluttered, mess of a BatCave it is. My family strong-armed me into this. So they could "keep an eye on me." Keep an eye on me, like I'm toddler in the silverware drawer. Sheesh.

I find myself still getting angry and anxious at the drop of a hat. Had several panic attacks the day of moving. (in which Jen and Beck bailed, leaving me without a truck and a moving crew.) I got it figured out, but still. I punched a hole in the wall at my grandparents over not being able to find a black shirt for work yesterday. Stupid. [I bought a patch kit...lucky for me, living with my brother, I learned how to fix holes in walls quickly and efficiently.] I don't know what this means as per my meds working or not. I'm trying to balance out. At least I'm not manically deciding to drive to Minnesota, or crying every twenty minutes. From the outside, I seem like I'm better. I've put the mask of fake-sanity back on...I always default back to this.

My car is starting to crap out weirdly again. Yay.

My physics midterm is next week. I have to take it before Wednesday. I am terrified.
I haven't been doing aces in the class, and this is the only class that I technically HAVE to pass to graduate. It's just not my bag and taking it online was probably not the brightest move. However, driving out to Hillsboro from WestCo would've taken over an hour and almost 40 miles one way, and the lab-based classes are all out there.

I'm trying to remain out in the world, trying to see friends, stay social, because I know I have to, but I have no real desire to do it. I see enough people at my jobs and school that I end up drained and just wanting to curl up in my bed at home. I've always had isolationist tendencies, but they get worse in Fenton because it's so much easier to do it.

So...back to the original question: worse or better? I have no idea. I have work to distract me, school to distract me, moving, family,doctors, and pills to distract me. But, at the end of every day, it's still me and my brain. Still the same cloud over my head. My life feels like putting makeup on a pig--you can try and make it beautiful, but it's still just a pig. As soon as you let it go, it's going to go roll around in the mud and dirty itself up again.

I am the odd one.

I quit Kaldis. Emailed Matt and basically told him that it had been decided by me and everyone else in my life that I was too crazy to work. and I am....I'm just too crazy to work THERE.

I also got hired at Deer Creek today. Which is cool. I can handle this coffee shop, methinks.

I wish I could say that I felt better. I don't, particularly. I feel unstable and completely out of whack. I was excited about getting a job, and then two hours later was sobbing to Beck on my couch.

I am trying to find the balance between leaning on people and isolating. Everything in me wants to push everyone away. Not because I particularly want to be alone, but because being around a depressed person is fucking DEPRESSING. I am a burden and it kills me. Watching Beck cry because of me broke my heart. I don't like doing this.

That's the thing that people seem to not understand about this. It's more than just an "I'm unhappy about my circumstances." I mean...I am. But I'm also fully aware that I can change my circumstances. Hell, I'm changing them. Moving. New job. Florida. But I have a lot of people telling me that if I just change/remove/add xyz person-circumstance, I'll be happy. No. That's not it. Circumstances are a part of things, and working to change them is good for me. However, this is a medical condition. My biology isn't working, and no amount of changing circumstances is going to fix my biology.

I'm taking the pills. I hate them. I hate taking them. I want them to work...I also want them to NOT work so I don't have to take them. Medicine terrifies me. And right now, these pills are fucking with my head. I'm agitated, high strung, anxious, and just downright angry. Unjustifiably so. So now I have this new anxiety-rage on TOP of the depression. Which, I'm sure makes me a comPLETE joy to be around.

I try to downplay things, especially to the people that matter to me. I don't want to worry anyone. but I know I am. I know Beck doesn't like leaving me alone in the apartment. I know that my mum keeps calling "just to chat"...mostly to make sure I haven't done anything stupid today. My grandparents keep feeding me. I keep getting texts and facebook messages and phone calls from people. Once again, I know this means that everyone cares and that they're trying to help. I also feel pressured to make them think that I am actually ok. I feel pressure to put on the mask, the stupid mask of fake happiness that I can don so well normally.

I really would just like to make it 24 hours without crying,punching things, screaming,whining, or disappointing someone.

Especially that last one.

I don't know where to begin.

We know that your mental state has not been the best as of late. The usual depression that you have this time of year (and in general) has been spiraling for awhile. You hit a new low this weekend.

Just another day, Friday was. You woke up in a funk. Normal, sadly. You went and interviewed at Deer Creek, which went decently. You spent time with Beck. Normal. You got lunch with Jen. Fine. You went back to the apartment. You looked around. The idea of having to pack it up and start getting rid of things ate at you. You were lonely. Sad. You couldn't stop thinking about how all of this pressure, all of this sadness, anxiety, paranoia, circumstances--EVERYTHING--was falling on your shoulders. To the point where you were exhausted, broken, beaten in every way possible. You physically hurt, just sitting on the couch, staring at books and homework and bills and to-do lists. Everything felt so heavy, so unbearable. You realized that you could not do this for much longer. Something had to give. You spiraled down, hard. You get a text from Andy, who you had not heard from in months. He wants to get a drink. He has broken up with his girlfriend and has suddenly remembered that you only hang out when he is in need of someone to complain to. You go, against better judgment. You are not in a good place, and putting alcohol and Andy's whining in your system did not help. You leave a couple hours later, not drunk. Definitely safe to drive physically. Mentally, probably not. You find yourself praying that your car crashes. That someone hits you. You make it to the apartment in one piece. You are disappointed. You make another drink. Why not? You sit down. and something snaps. You realize that you cannot take anything anymore. You decide that God cannot fire you, because you quit.

You slice at yourself for awhile. You keep drinking. You look around for something to take, anything, to make all the shit swirling around stop. However, you also know, in the back of your insane mind, that this is not a good idea. The tiny sliver of rationale texts Beck. Tells her you need her, and to get there. She does. You decide that this environment is not good for you. You are not safe here, and you need to leave. You go to the hospital, where you are admitted to the psych ward.

They take your clothes and give you scrubs. They take your mittens, gloves, scarf, shoes. They take your phone and bag. They give you a room, but first you have to give a verbal agreement that you will not attempt to do any further damage to yourself. Fine, fair enough.

You sleep. A lot. When you are not sleeping, you are pacing around your tiny room, crying. You're bored. You find yourself thinking, among other things, that leaving a mentally disturbed person with nothing to do but be in their own mind is the WORST IDEA EVER. You ask for things to write on and with, you are denied. apparently you could hurt yourself with them. You talk to several people, answer lots of questions, and tell too many strangers very abbreviated versions of your life at this moment. You hate every second of it. You eat lunch with the other patients. You don't speak to them, they don't speak to you. it's not an ego thing. You just do not feel like talking. You do not feel like answering questions. You assume they feel the same way.

All this leads up to your final chat session with the head honcho, who reads your chart and all the notes from the half dozen other people that have asked you questions, and basically tells you that you need therapy and drugs. He tells you that you will be given a prescription for anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety pills, then, after asking about your sleeping habits, prescribes a sleep aid. Then tells you that he is releasing you out into the world again.

This news makes you happy and terrified at the same time. You are ready to get out and have your freedom again...however, you weirdly enjoy the simplicity of being in. The outside world suddenly seems so giant, and you, so teeny.

You wish that you had some sort of mind-blowing epiphany from all this. You don't. You wish that you could say you felt better. You do, sort of. You also acknowledge that this could happen again. You wish that things would magically fix themselves. You realize that they can't and won't. You have to work for it.

So.
Now begins the work, I guess.

Schmeh.

Ben was amazing. AMAAAAZING.
I had fun with Becky, but honestly, I almost wish I had gone it alone...or with someone who enjoys Ben Folds as much as I do. (She looked bored, and I felt bad.)

He played "Evaporated", which I never expected to hear live...and it was amazing. This is my favorite Ben song, and has a lot of weird, emotional meaning to me. I might have cried during it. Felt stupid for doing so after the fact, but...very few people seem to understand my attachments to music and what they do to me. Which is why going to concerts with me is always strange. I'm aware. It's a side of me that few people see...the side of me that is genuinely happy in the moment.

I need to get caught up on things. I'm behind on my physics class...unintentionally. I should look at AM/PM better next time. [Had a lab that I thought was due at midnight tonight...it was due at noon. Found out around 5pm.] I have a million and one phone calls I need to return...although now it'll be hard since my phone broke and I lost numbers. again.

I've had two job opportunities arise in the past couple of days: one with Jen, working at the Maryville cafeteria. This sounds boring, and I'm sure it will be, however, the pay's decent, and I'd be able to get hours AND the job ends in May. That'd be convenient in that my leaving wouldn't hurt anyone. The other is with Becky, at a coffeeshop down Clayton. They're on the hunt for morning people, the pay's better than Kaldi's, and I'd get to actually make coffee and be useful. I've filled out the application for Deer Creek Coffee, and I'll go talk to them Friday. Either way, I'm excited to be able to GTFO of Kaldi's.

With all the snow days and whatnot, it'll be hard to get back into the swing of things, but I'm trying. Worked at Wehrles tonight. Tomorrow, a mid at Kaldis. Friday, I'm off, job hunting, packing, laundry. The weekend is owned by both coffee shops. Might be kicking it with Jen for the superbowl.

I really need to start getting on this whole moving business. It's just hard to scrape up the desire to once again pack up my life.

Alien. Nation.

I posted last time about my focus being on my friends, the people that are here, NOW, and how I want to enjoy that time we have left together.

....

apparently I am the only one.

I'm trying to be understanding. People are busy, they have lives. Shit happens. However, being blatantly blown off several times, especially by the one person who I really will miss having in my life in more ways than one, I'm just...I'm hurt. I'm not sure what to do about it. Yelling and stomping around to them does nothing but put them on the defensive and have them pull further away. Yet...here I am, spending yet another day, crying in my apartment because my friends don't seem to care.

Maybe this will make leaving that much easier, but for now...I'm just sad and lonely. Alone.

losing to apathy.

Egad, man.
I wish I could bring myself to care more about school right now. I'm struggling.

I wish I could bring myself to care more about the living situation, and trying to find a new one. The more I think about it, the more I worry, the more panic attacks I have. and well...I've had enough of them in the last week.

I wish I could care more about Kaldis and trying to make it work. but why? I'm leaving in a few months.

The only thing I find myself really caring about right now is spending time with the people that matter to me HERE, NOW...as well as missing the ones who aren't here.

For now I'm just trying to love the ride.

Ben.

So, in eight days, I will be crammed into the Pageant, yet again, to see my man Ben Folds.

Despite not really having the money to budget in this show...it's insane, but I'd rather not eat for a few days and see him again than miss it.

I'm focusing on the show for the next eight days. I can't keep thinking about this whole life situation. It's making me crazy.

Telling Laura was hard. She cried. I cried. We tried to joke it off, and I know that she thinks I'm attempting to escape from my problems. I know she thinks that this is a direct result of Greg. I know her well enough to be able to know where her brain takes the things I tell her. I also know that no matter how stupid she thinks I am, that she will support me and love me.

Told Greg. Via text. Which I didn't want to do, but...it's hard when he's avoiding me. And I totally get it. I understand that this isn't easy for him. Running into him at the mall, I could see it all over his face. He's ecstatic to see me, but at the same time...conflict. Guilt. Confusion. He's like me, in that emotions do not hide well on that cute face of his. In explaining the move to him, he took it...well. At the same time, he's still leaving first. I once again apologized for things. He apologized for things. I just wish that we could QUIT APOLOGIZING AND GO BACK TO BEING COOL. [as cool as we get, anyway.]

I've accepted in this situation that I'm not going to get what I'd prefer. He's not going to leave his fiance, despite the fact that their relationship is "going down in flames." (his words.) He won't do the long distance thing...I understand. He also doesn't understand that with the right words from him, we'd be substituting the location "st.pete" with "nashville." I just hope that he finds some way to be happy, with or without me. I can find solace in that.

Now that this decision is go, I find myself wanting to wrap up situations. In all honesty, I won't. I know me well enough to know that I'll think about it, then wuss out. and in all honesty...these are people that, at this point, an apology isn't necessary. We've comes to terms with our lives without each other and moved on. It is what it is, and we have to live with our mistakes.

Which is really all life has become. Learning to live with my mistakes. Hoping I won't make them in the future, but realizing that I will...and realizing that the people that matter will love me, regardless.

So. This post started out as a love letter to Ben Folds, but I'mma end it on a MCS note. This song has become my anthem in a way. Consider the lyrics.

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Preach it, Justin. You're wonderful.

...just like my dude BEN. <3

[there, see, I ended it on a Ben note. My sun rises and sets by him after all. :) ]

The first day of the rest of my life....

So.
more talking, more planning.
This is actually going to happen.

My last day of classes will be May 12 with finals. After that, it'll just be the simple matter of packing up Chuck [or a van, depending on what we decide to do] and trucking down to St. Petersburg, Florida!

There are a few people I want to tell in person before I announce it hugely. mostly Garrett and Greg, who I can't seem to get a hold of, and Laura, who I'll see tomorrow night. I'll need to call Clay and plan a weekend to see him...maybe a few times. I need to make a few other phone calls, but....

This is really happening. Holy moly.


...now it's just a matter of finding a place to stash my stuff from Marchish to mid May. The Jarchows are an option. The Wilkinsons. Courtney apparently has a hookup for me. Jeff's working on something. My grandparents are an option. (I haven't told them yet...I'm still ironing out the details. I'll probably talk to them Monday, after classes.) Hell, even Jake offered to let me crash for a bit if need be.


I shall survive this. :)

Oh, holy jeez.

So.
Jeff is kicking me out, due to my intense lack of funds to be able to pay rent.
Fair. I'm not mad.

And once again, here I am, making a list of things I have going for me in the Lou:

...


Done.

So.
My mom is offering to help move me down to Florida. To help pay for it. She's offered housing. I'd be able to do school down there....

The only miniscule problem is me, in general, not being a fan of Florida. But hey. I miss my mom and I just want to end this perfect shithole of a story in the Lou. It'd be an easy out.

I'd be able to move in May...meanwhile, I need to find a place to crash for a few months while I wrap up school.

I will miss some people, but...that's what facebook is for. Phones. Texting. Planes, trains, automobiles.

The idea of warm sounds super amazing.

Now...to actually figure out if this will work.

A lack of color here....

I hate my life.

"...all alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made..."

You're in the process of finding yourself. You've been looking in some interesting places. You've collected the data. Now, for some quick analysis.

You're not going to find yourself in a church.
You're not going to find yourself in a book. Any book.
You're not going to find yourself in a coffee shop, even if that coffee shop made you happy.
You're not going to find yourself in the eyes of anyone else.
You're not in the fridge. Or the closet. Not in the arms of a boy. Not in the smiles of the people around you.
You're not in that first drag of that oh-so-needed cigarette.
You're not in a sunrise. You're not in a sunset.
You're not in the lack of vitamin D running through your veins.
You're not in a song. Even your so-called theme songs.
You're not in your beer. Or vodka.
Video games? Nope. Nerdy cartoons? Nada. Facebook? Nein.

Where are you?
...

Right here. Right where you've been all this time. You keep looking for some deep meaning, some radical philosophy, some quick little band-aid fix to all your questions. You've realized all these questions are the things distracting you from the answers. Quit looking at the questions. Focus on the answers.

Answers:
-You do not feel comfortable at church. You do not feel comfortable talking about God. You do not put forth towards a relationship with Him because you do not inherently believe He ever existed in your world. You finally understand what Nietzsche means when he states that God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

You realize now that God is a concept. and you have rejected Him. So...now He rejects you. [and thus-far, you haven't particularly seen any concrete punishments.]

-You are unhappy because you focus on being unhappy. Your chemical issues aside, you focus on your unhappy moments because you are too afraid of being happy. Curling up with your unhappiness is safe. It's known. You know how to be depressed. You weave negativity and sarcasm with the same skill of Ben Folds and his ability to tickle the ivories.

-You cannot be in one place this long. You need excitement. You need adventure. You get comfortable and complacency sets in. Right now, you are drowning in complacency.

-You are letting a situation with a boy eat you alive. You need to face it. You are bigger than this. Better than this. Stronger than this. You will admit that you need people. You will admit that you would like to be in a relationship, something you wouldn't have openly admitted even months ago. You need to face the fact that now that you have come to the realization of your needs...notice nowhere did you need HIM, specifically. You'd like to have him, but there's no need. So, if it doesn't work out, you won't die. You'll keep fighting, tooth and nail, just like you always have. But you also need to own the fact that you'd like to have him, to his face, and see what happens. Man up.



So, in these answers, there are things needed of you. Get on it.

But, at it is late, and you are tired, you'll just listen to Ben Folds and have another beer.

Oh, January, oh...

Guilt. Regret. All he's racked with.
I understand it.

Doesn't make it any less stupid.

I wish that friendships in my world didn't have to do this random explode-y thing. Especially considering I have so few that I actually want to put forth the effort.


Blugh. This one's all...complicated. The extra emotions aren't necessary.

I need to clean my kitchen and put away laundry. I'm going to manic-clean most of the night away in hopes of gaining some sort of control over SOMETHING in my life.

Woo.

2011, you are too complicated for me.

I find myself making life way more complicated than it needs to be. It's a thing. A thing I do.

And now, here I am. Once again, making a situation more complicated than it should have ever been. And I'm kicking myself for it.

But at the same time...not. At the same time, I need to be open to experiencing things. I need to be able to live in the moment.

I need to figure out how to balance these two parts of myself out. I need to be able to figure out how to live in the moment without taking the next week to analyze every second of it.

So...it's D-day. Today I'm marching the beach. Time to put this painful analysis to rest. To speak my mind, not to my lovely friends who have all been painfully patient with me, but to the other person in this situation.

I have to be strong. I have to be gentle. Everything's fragile, but I cannot be willing to compromise. I cannot sweep my feelings under the rug and pretend like they don't exist. I have to hold my temper if things don't go my way.

If need be, I have to be willing to walk out and never look back.

...I don't think I am, though. And therein lies the problem.

I can handle this. I've handled worse. I just have to keep my wits about me.

I'll have my answers tonight. Until then...I have the Decemberists and my lovely friends to distract me.

I'm eternally grateful for them. <3

Things just seem to get more interesting...

So. Remember how I said that I do not trust/enjoy StL drivers in the snow? Yeah. Case in point. Yesterday, I was rear-ended on my way to get coffee with Garrett. Now my back end is all wonky and my car creaks all creepy when I drive it. Plus my neck has been killing me all day, although this could very well be from the fact that I may have slept on it goofy.

It's funny. The few people I've talked to about the situation ask the expected questions about insurance and repairs. and honestly...I could care less about that stuff. The guy that hit me looked to be about my age, and jumped out of his truck, crying, freaking out. He explained to me that he's going to school and working three jobs, but just cannot afford car insurance.

It was a strange moment. I wasn't angry. I wasn't particularly shaken up. I felt...bad. For him. I understood exactly where he was coming from. I know exactly what it's like to work hard and feel like you're getting nowhere. I also remembered how obnoxious the guy whose car I bumped when my brakes failed over the summer. He's the reason my car insurance doubled, when in all reality, the final claim stated that I did just barely 500 dollars worth of damage to his car, which is a joke. 500 is the minimum, so...whatever. Regardless. I wasn't about to make this guy's life hard.

So, I told him it was fine and gave him a hug. He thanked me, we climbed back in our vehicles and went on our ways.


Chuck is tough. I'm tough. We handle things. We've got our scars, our imperfections, our weird quirks...at the end of the day, when things get tough, we'll get your there. We're accountable. We do what we gotta, the end.



As life gets curiouser and curiouser, Jeff slipped a package under my door this evening. It was postmarked from Oregon, which was strange, as I hadn't ordered anything nor do I actually know anyone from there. Turns out it was a copy of the Ascetic Junkies' newest album....the album I had waited for months to come out, only to not be able to afford after losing my job.

It came with an extra copy of the album and a post-it note from them, explaining that the extra album was "for a friend" and thanking me for buying the album.

SO. Random friend of mine who bought me the album...thanks. :) You should tell me who you are. I'd give you the extra copy of the album.

With that being said, I just gave it the initial listen-through....and they do not disappoint. <3 They've gone a bit more folky in content and laid off the politics. (which I sort of expected. With Obama in office, there's not really a figurehead-monster for the liberals to point their finger at. I'll post a full report once I get a better analysis of the album.

All right. I'm off to bed. <3

ps--Time magazine listed his album as the best to come out in 2010 and this song is probably why.

the smallest things...

I don't know who it was, and it really doesn't matter, aside from my wanting to be able to thank them in person. Someone paid the rest of my rent for this month. That's 250 dollars that I can now use to buy food and gas. To pay my property taxes. To even buy a few Christmas presents.

I've set aside twenty of it to pay forward in some way. I'm realizing more and more that I can't let things terminate on me, I need to be more giving and work towards helping others, in the ways that I can. And I know twenty isn't much, but every little bit helps in one way or another.

My mum will be here in a little over a week. I'm really starting to get excited about seeing her. Yeah, I'll be working a lot, but not like I can't see after. Or before. Whatever. And my bugaboo will be home soon. I can't wait to see her. She's always a calming, positive force that I love to have in my life.

Also, it snowed. It's snowing currently. It's beautiful through the window. Driving in it...not so much. *laughs* I have no idea where my confidence in snow-driving comes from, but I wish that the StL population had some of it. It's really not that bad. I'm more concerned with other drivers than myself in being able to handle it.

I'm waiting on my govt/constitution class to post grades, but so far, I have straight A's this semester, which I'm super stoked about.

Welp, I'm off to clean my apartment and get ready for work.

...Why Don't I begin again?

So.
I am refusing to be in this slump any longer. I refuse to sit back and be complacent. I refuse to just whine and not act.

I am not a victim. I am a victor.

School's done. I refuse to whine about Kaldi's anymore. I am accepting that this is a temporary situation--I will make the best of my situation. I can start by getting familiar with their regulars. By working hard at the things that I am allowed to do. By practicing the things I'm supposed to practice. To ask questions. To be friendly and get to know my co-workers.

I also have Wehrles'. This is an opportunity to make the money I need, and to keep up my barista skills. This is also an opportunity to keep the people I've really grown to love from IAG in my life.

I also now will have the time to rededicate to myself. My apartment is in mild shambles, because I haven't had the time/energy to clean it. I'm behind on laundry. My state of clean is usually a decent reflection of my mental state, and well...I woke up today, took a look around, a REAL look around, and realized that this just won't do.

I am not the victim. I am the victor, especially in my own life.

I don't have it rough. I am quite QUITE blessed. These past couple of months have been rough, but I refuse to let circumstances ruin my outlook any longer.


I'm posting this song, because it is Regina Spektor, and we all know my love for her. It's an old one, but one of my favorites. The imagery is amazing, and I can appreciate "cold Campbell's from a can...as it has become a staple to my diet as of late.

Much love. <3