Something a little different....

I've been meaning to do a music post for awhile, I just haven't particularly been inspired. But. In working on mixes for Greg, KT, and Booshy, I've actually had a TON of fun getting back into the good ol' fashioned theme mix and just delving into my music collection.

So, one of the mixes I put together for the boy actually started out as a joke, and moved randomly into super serious and thoughtful territory. We had a conversation making fun of Tom Delonge and his elitist and ridiculous musical side project, Angels and Airwaves. The album came with a note on the inside telling the listener that the album was meant to be played in a dark room, with one candle burning. Which is ridiculous. I mean...I've done things like this, but I don't particularly want my rock stars telling me how to listen to their music. Shut up, let me discover it on my own.

I wanted to make a snarky mix playing on that idea: the elitist "play by candle light from a light house" mix. I'm not necessarily a candle light kind of girl, but I understood the sentiment: your contemplative place. For me, this is definitely my car. I cannot, and don't particularly want to think about, how many nights and how many miles I've driven, chainsmoking and listening to music while thinking about...whatever. I just kept thinking about how, as awkward and misguided as Tom was in throwing this statement in with the album...his intentions were good. So as I built this playlist, it went from snarky to serious as I spent too much time thinking about this idea.

First of all, here's a link to download it: http://www.mediafire.com/?4yk9gdo1n77z9gz
That will make the rest of this make more sense...not to mention, actually worth your time in reading this.

Here is the suggested track list/commentary/fun facts.

1.)What Ever Happened--the Strokes
I don't know what it is about this song, but I've started so many mixes for my car with it. The first ten seconds are amazing...not to mention the rest of the song. There's just this intense build up to this explosion of emotion, so when the first lines I want to be forgotten and I don't want to be reminded happen, you stop and you listen and you want to know more. I get sucked into this song every time I listen to it.


2.)Gravity Rides Everything--Modest Mouse
The Moon and Antarctica is my favorite Modest Mouse album, and this song is a large aspect into why. This album is more melodic, slower, a bit more acoustic and melancholy. With MM, I often find myself drifting in and out with the lyrics--it's hard to follow them, because they're abstract and all over the place, but there are these one-liners that are punctuated, they catch you, and they stick with you. It all will fall, fall right into place is more than a call-and-answer style chorus, it's a plea, as if the lead singer is trying to convince the listener as well as himself that this is true.

3.)Evaporated--Ben Folds Five
Ok. So, we're friends. And that means you know about my Ben Folds obsession. This song. Out of all the songs and musical things that Ben has touched, this is my favorite. I can't explain why. It just is. This song reduces me to a puddle of emotions and brainwaves every single time I hear it. This isn't a famous Ben song, so I never expected to ever get to see it played live, but the last time I saw him, he did it. I cried. Like a bitch. Becky looked at me like I was insane, as well as strangers around me, but I couldn't have cared less. My life is a little more complete in hearing him perform that song live, because when he sings I poured my heart out, I believe him.

4.)San Franciso--Brett Dennen
First of all, Brett Dennen is adorable. One of those ginger boys who is kinda awkward, but who cares, because he has an amazing friggin voice. This song is cutesy, with a tinge of melancholy to it. He tells the listener all these wonderful plans he has for his life, but...he's alone. He paints a picture within the lyrics--you can picture the city, his little home he builds, the little life he leads. You can read into it on several levels, which I like.

5.)Motorcycle Drive By--Third Eye Blind
All you suckers who are sitting there going, "Third Eye Blind? Really? Burgs. How friggin 90s of you" can just shut up right now. First of all, this is not radio 3eb. This song, when listened to correctly, is an emotional roller coaster. By the time the whole band kicks in about two and a half minutes in, your heart soars along with the music. Stephen Jenkins' screechy, haggard delivery of the lines I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive tug at your heart, and you understand. Completely. Wholly.

6.)My Wandering Days are Over--Belle & Sebastian
Belle & Sebastian are wonderful. They have this quirky style of song writing that sounds child-like, and yet is very wise. This song is self-contemplative, and I don't know a person who hasn't at some point during their existence who hasn't struggled with the idea of life's adventures being behind them. Y' know my wandering days are over/Does that mean that I'm getting boring?/You tell me/I'm tired of listening to myself... But despite this deep lyrical beginning, you're still bopping along to the beat and you still leave the song smiling.

7.)The Rain Song--Led Zeppelin
Robert Plant did an interview in which he said that his favorite vocal performance of his was "The Rain Song", and I agree, wholeheartedly. This is a slower Zeppelin song, with their amazing guitar work layered with strings that give you chills. It's a fairly long song by today's standards (about 7 and a half minutes), but this is fairly par of the course for these kids. There's a wonderful instrumental buildup, and by the time the drums and bass kick in full-fledged, Plant's wailing I've felt the coldness of my winter/I never thought it would ever go./I cursed the gloom that set upon us...But I know that I love you so on top of the instruments soaring away...gives me chills. Every time.

8.)Flip!--Apollo Sunshine
All right. So far in our musical journey, we've been a bit on the mellow, quiet contemplation side of things. Now it's time to rock out. I love these kids, and this song is just a great rock song. It's one of those songs that I love to listen to, and just hone in on a single aspect. The vocals are spot on, the guitars are interesting, the drum work is awesome and fun, and I can keep going but you get the idea.

9.)Bohemian Like You--The Dandy Warhols
Anyone who has received a mix from me in the last two years or ridden with me in Chuck has heard this song. I. Love. It. This song is so much fun. This is one of those "windows down, driving into the desert, feeling like a complete badass hero moment before the credits roll" kind of songs. The distortion in the guitar gives this song a grit that adds another level to the snarkiness of the lyrics, and the vocalist has this ability to deliver lyrics in such a dry manner. This song embodies the hipster ideal in such a unique way, and yet...most hipsters wouldn't admit to liking it.

10.)Kiss Off--The Matches
This is a live cover of the Violent Femmes. Who, first of all, are not a band easily covered. Their lyrical delivery is so incredibly off-beat and quirky, and it's a hard style to emulate and make your own. However, Shawn Harris seems like a really obvious choice, at least to me. I think it's a really interesting cover that manages to encompass everything about both VF and the Matches. It's a fun listen.

11.)Somebody More Like You--Nickel Creek
I have this strange love for bluegrass, and Nickel Creek were contemporary bluegrass darlings in the early 2000s. They've since disbanded, which is very sad. However. This song....out of all of their catalogue, I'm not particularly sure *why* it is one of my favorites. The thing I love about these kids is their vocal harmony. I dig a male-female harmony, and they have a great blend and tonality. This song has a simple melody-counter melody thing going on, which is echoed on guitar (...or it's a banjo. I can't tell offhand, and I'm too lazy to go a-hunting currently) in the verses. This is one of those songs that I will listen to on repeat ad nauseum...not only for the instrumentation and timbre notes previously mentioned, but lyrically...it's friggin HARSH. I like the juxtaposition. While Nickel Creek does a ton of traditional bluegrass numbers, this isn't one of them. Traditional bluegrass does not have cutting lyrics like I hope you find someone your height so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.

12.)White Winter Hymnal--Fleet Foxes
Oh. Em. Gee. Speaking of vocal harmonies being awesome. What up, Fleet Foxes. This is one of those bands that I haven't had the chance to see live, but would kill to. (*hint*) This song is one of those songs that every time I listen to it, I get this image of my head of driving through the mountains in Tennessee during sunrise, the promise of a new day and the open road stretched before me. Which is SO incredibly cheesy. However. I played this album driving down to Florida while we were in Tennessee (after Nashville, where Ben Folds happened) and it was a strangely religious experience. I highly recommend it.

13.)Thirteen--Ben Kweller
Ben...yet another Ben who I love. Mr. Kweller has an amazingly clear and beautiful voice, and has songs that are simple, earnest, and beautiful. This is one of those songs that you can listen to a million times and find something new to love about it, every single time.

14.)Drive All Over Town--Elliott Smith
Elliott Smith. Um. What is there to say about any song from Elliott? Lyrics, amazing. Guitars, amazing. Vocal delivery...there is no one who has a voice quite like Elliott. Elliott Smith is sort of my go-to contemplative driving music. His lyrics are sharp, intelligent, and that somehow manage to paint you a picture of exactly the scene and emotions he's conveying, while having a level of ambiguity that lets the listener interpret the song in a multitude of ways. Which is a talent that a lot of songwriters lack. I miss you, Elliott.

15.)Perfect Day--Lou Reed
...The bass buildup to the chorus makes this song for me. Not to mention Lou Reed is a friggin badass. This is one of those songs that if someone were to dedicate it to you and really mean it...it would change your life.

16.)Northern Downpour-Panic At the Disco
PATD has this way of delivering amazingly witty, intelligent lyrics with interesting instrumentation. This song is one of the best examples in their catalogue to show this off. There are so many one liners that you can spend hours interpreting and pondering.Example:I know the world's a broken bone,
But melt your headaches, call it home. Holy balls. Repeat this line to ten people, you'd get ten different-yet-valid analysis of it. [This is one of those lines that I would get tattooed on my person, and have contemplated it at much length, actually.]

17.)Hold On--Tom Waits
Tom Waits has this voice that sounds like it's been tarred and feathered, then lit on fire and covered in dirt...and yet has this intense soul and heart behind it. It feels like covering up in a giant wool blanket--heavy, comforting, and warm, but itchy. You have to spend some time cuddled under this blanket before the itch goes away, and you're completely comfortable and warm. It takes time to get completely comfortable with Tom's vocal stylings, but once you do, it's worth it. The lyrical journeys and wisdom found in Tom's songs....you can tell, this man has LIVED, and is just trying to pass his experiences onto whoever will listen.

18.)Playground Love--Air
Air is a French band. They do a lot of interesting trip-hop/dreamscape inspired instrumentals, and thus end up doing a lot of soundtrack work. They were asked to do the score and soundtrack for the film adaptation of The Virgin Suicides, and this song is from that soundtrack. First of all, this song is probably one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard, in the way that only trip-hop and sexy horn solos can be. The lyrics are sweet but dark, and his vocals are delivered perfectly to leave the sweet/dark ratio up to the listener. I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor/Love is all, all my soul/You're my playground love. There's a tinge of seduction, manipulation, but at the core, you want to believe this is just a sweet song depicting that intense high school romance.

19.)Lilac Wine--Jeff Buckley
If God took voice lessons, I'm convinced he'd take them from Jeff Buckley. His vibrato makes my knees weak. I believe this is actually a cover of an old old old jazz song that was actually performed by a woman (whose name is escaping me at the moment), but Jeff takes this song and makes it his own. Completely. It feels improvised, like this is his state of being at that moment. You feel like you're almost interrupting an intimate moment of self realization and contemplation by listening in. There's this amazing guitar chord resolution that happens underneath his vocals before the drums and bass kick in that gives me chills. This song reminds me of driving home after spending time with that person that you're infatuated with. You're floating, happy, tired, yet couldn't possibly think of sleeping. You've been up all night talking of silly, romantic things. You're going over every detail of the evening: the conversations, the touches, the facial expressions, just trying to imprint it all in your memory forever.

It's been a minute. Sorry about that.

Update: No longer working at AttB. Lost that job. Found another job, working for Sodexo, a food service company that works for colleges, hospitals, and all that junk. I'm working in the coffee shop, but...in all honesty, not really making much coffee. Mostly just warming up sammiches and selling RedBull. *sigh*

I'm working full time, making more money an hour than I ever have, but...it's hard realizing that no one I work with particularly cares about the quality of coffee that we're selling...or that the students really don't give a shit either, aside from the drink having caffeine in it. *sigh* I feel like since IAG, I've slowly wandered away from the reason I fell in love with barista-work: making quality beverages. but. *sigh*

Losing my job at the bean screwed my money situation. I had to dip into my New Year's fund in order to pay bills, so...Greg n Burgs aren't going to be together for New years, which sucks. This on top of him being super busy with work and finals...it's been hard. I haven't heard from him much for the past week or so, and it's been mostly short bullshit conversations. I don't know. Things will be fine, I have faith in that. It's just rough right now.

I've been insanely homesick as of late. The longer I'm here, the more I realize that I don't particularly fit in here. Not to sound egotistical and elitist, but...the people I've met here that are around my age are just...uneducated. Uncultured. In talking to Laura on the phone last night, we randomly got on the topic of political utopias. I can't imagine having that conversation with anyone that I've met here thusfar. I don't know. I just feel out of place.

So. I guess things have been worse, but things have been better. That's about it. I can't focus right now, so I think I'mma crash for the evening.

Reasons.

Things happen for a reason.

Example: Once upon a time, there was a cute barista working at a coffee shop. She loved this job, but occasionally she got frustrated with it. There was a customer, an old man who said several inappropriate things to this cute barista. When she tried to talk to her boss and owner about the situation and explain that she was uncomfortable, the owner made the snide remark, "Work it for tips."

This angered the cute barista.

The barista loved her job, but did not want to work for a skeez-ball like the owner, and began looking for another job. She wandered into a mall, wandered into a Retail Establishment, and asked the manager if they were hiring. Turns out they were looking for seasonal help. She filled out an application, thinking maybe that spending less time at the coffee shop might help her, at least til she could find something full time.

She was hired at this particular retail establishment and soon after began her training. It was during this training that a lovely boy ran into the back office, interrupting the manager's droning speech about customer service. The cute barista and the lovely boy exchanged names and he made a joke that made her laugh. She liked him immediately.

The barista and the boy clicked, and the more they chatted, the more they grew to enjoy each other's company. One day this lovely boy asked her how she felt about a band. She had heard this band some, but hadn't given them a lot of time. She told him this, and he lent her a book that accompanied an album to read on a trip. This book and album gave her something to talk about with her ex-stepdad's girlfriend on this trip, thus making her look like the dutiful and wonderful daughter she always strived to be. This book also helped this girl to realize that she really liked this band, and upon her return, she downloaded the rest of their catalog, and listened incessantly.

However, this barista was not cut out for retail. She also realized that this cute boy had a fiance, and that she was in danger of getting far too emotionally attached. So, she put in her two weeks at this Retail Establishment and decided to focus on the coffee shop again. She tried to put distance between herself and the lovely boy, but it was hard, as they enjoyed each other's company. He'd come visit her at work. He asked her to spend time with him. She'd occasionally oblige, but tried her best to keep her distance and not ruin things.

Everything was fine until the manager of the coffee shop announced to her that the shop would be closing in a week. The cute barista was at a loss. This was her second home, her second family. What would she do? Where would she go?

The coffee shop closed, and the lovely boy was there on the last day, hugging her while she cried and pondered her future. The lovely boy was proving to be a good friend, someone who cared about her a lot.

Things got worse for the cute barista, as she lost her job, then her apartment, and then her mind. The lovely boy was never far away, checking in on her, making sure she was ok, and making her smile.

Things were hard for the cute barista and the Lovely boy. There were feelings there, feelings that couldn't be acted upon because of the Fiance. And while they both tried to deny it, things came to a head one New Years Eve, and the cute barista found herself in a tricky position. She didn't want to make this boy's life any more difficult than it already was, but at the same time, it killed her inside to watch him try and make things work with the Fiance when it was painfully obvious that they were not a good match. It made the cute barista sad.

The cute barista eventually found another job in another coffee shop. However, this *other* coffee shop was vastly different from her previous shop, and she hated it. After one particularly rough shift, the cute barista called her Mother crying.

"Mother, I cannot take any more of this. I'm miserable. I'm broke, losing my apartment and working a job I cannot stand. I'm unhappy with my position in life."

Her Mother sat on the phone silent for a second, then uttered the following.

"Maybe, Cute Barista, you should move to Florida. You'd be with me and I would be able to help you fix the things that are making you unhappy."

The cute barista took this suggestion under serious consideration. What was keeping the cute barista in her current town? Not much it seemed. The lovely boy and Fiance would be leaving soon. The cute barista was almost finished with school. She hated her job and needed a home. So, she called Mother back and told her that she would move to Florida, once the semester ended and her degree was obtained.

Things with the cute barista and the lovely boy were strained after the encounter and they did not speak as much. This was not to say that the lovely boy strayed far from her mind, but she also knew that she needed to back off before she messed up the boy's life even more than she already had.

The cute barista left for Florida a couple of months later, and found herself thinking about the boy as she drove through his former place of residence, which he loved so. She talked to him a bit that night, and it made her happy to hear from him.

She arrived in Florida and began trying to rebuild a life. She had a place to live with a Sunshine-filled Roommate. She also focused on rebuilding her mind, which involved lots of Doctors. This annoyed the cute barista, as she was not a fan of Doctors. She often found herself drifting off in thought and thinking about the lovely boy. She missed him a lot, and hoped he was doing well.

A few months later, out of the blue, the lovely boy got in touch with the cute barista. He dropped a news-bomb on her: his relationship with the Fiance was over. He was sad about this, but was also happy, in that he could do the things he wanted to do without having to compromise. This involved talking to the cute barista, as well as other activities.

The cute barista was overjoyed at the reemergence of the lovely boy in her life. This helped her to be happy, and thus helped her to get rid of a few of the Doctors in her life, as well as the Medicines and Therapy they forced her to do. The cute barista and lovely boy have planned several trips to be together, including one on New Years, the anniversary of that first connection.


None of this would have happened, if not for a snide remark and creepy old man's inappropriate behavior.

This case is rested.



[...Oh, and that band the lovely boy suggested to the cute barista? She drove four hours to see them in concert by herself, and they've become one of her music staples.]

"You don't meet nice girls in coffee shops..."

I have a job interview tomorrow with a law school campus coffee shop. I have an interview for a coffee shop that is just opening in Tampa on Wednesday. I'm also planning on going to *another* shop in Madeira Beach and dropping off a resume.

...because I got let go at AttB. Which sucks.

It's amiable. Well...about as amiable as I can be when I'm getting screwed over. But. There are no *real* hard feelings. I know me...I'll probably still roll in there and bug them often, as per everyone's request. I'm going in tomorrow to turn in my key and meet with Taylor. Hopefully, I'll have that bookstore job in the bag by then, and can feel ok about this. It's been one of those weekends where I've gone from crying in bed to smashing things to acceptance of this...all within two minutes.

But. I'm done emotionally reacting and am now in survival mode. (Although I grow weary of having to click into survival mode so often.)

My mom and Greg have both been super awesome at making sure I didn't lose my shit, as well as KT, who has seen me lose my shit so many times she should write a manual in handling me. (It would involve tacos and coffee, I'm sure.)

*sigh*

It may seem irresponsible, but I'm going to go ahead and book the boy's ticket for New Years. Honestly, I contemplated not doing it, but...this is something we both need. Yeah, this isn't a survival "food-water-shelter" kind of need, but moreso a mental health need. We both need a break, and we need to be together, even if it's just for a few days.

I also would like to know where my copy of the Royal Tennenbuams is. Stupid DVD-eating room. Happens every time I clean...I lose things.

Mk. I'm off to go watch movies and enjoy this cloudy day. I'll post an update after interviews, I'm sure.

Money.

It's 3am. Right now I'm so hot, I'm contemplating shaving my head. It's also November 17th. (#firstworldfloridaproblems)

Speaking of first world problems, I'd like to do something I rarely do. (I don't think I've ever done, at least here) and take a second to respond to a blog posty a friend of mine wrote.

This friend of mine is probably one of the smartest, most hard working people I know. She's usually trucking around with two jobs and school, mostly art classes, which I am convinced after being connected with numerous art kids over the years, take way more work and dedication than more traditional non-creative classes. She's in an amazing relationship, lives on her own, is doing what she loves, has a great cuuute dog and apartment and a social life.

Oh, and she's generally broke off her ass.

And then there's me. I have a job, after months of searching. I make just above minimum wage with tips. I pay all of my bills myself, minus the phone bill, which I split with mom, because that's how family plans work, and rent. I don't pay my own rent. I hate this. However, my mother has offered to pay it, because there's no way I could honestly afford it on my own.

Pam wrote a blog about how...well, it's almost impossible to be financially thriving within our generation as twenty-somethings, either finishing up in school or graduated with a degree. We're *surviving*, but not thriving. and there are a lot of kids, like me, who cannot claim their full financial independence. Some of them, like me, dream of being able to do as such. and others...others don't mind the mooching off their parents.

This is something I wish I could understand.

I almost killed myself trying to make it on my own. Literally. Losing my job last year almost killed me, in that I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was working my ass off trying to afford just the bare minimum of bills and rent...and couldn't do it. I slept in my car, just to avoid trying to move back in with my grandparents. I sold some of my stuff to pawn shops and the like, trying to be able to come up with some sort of cushion. During all of this, my depression worsens (how could it not, given these circumstances?) and...well, I end up doing something stupid and going to the psych ward. Which was a pretty hard decision to make, one that I could barely make because of my fear of trying to pay for it.

I thank God every day for Beck and Garrett basically forcing me to go. In looking back, I'm glad I did. Because while it was an awful experience, I needed it. It was the tipping point, and I needed to own the fact that I could not do this on my own. I needed help, on a multitude of planes.

So, why rehash all of this shit that you already know, gentle reader? To prove a point.

I ACTUALLY MADE THE ATTEMPT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT.

Had it not been for IAG closing with such short notice and thus putting life into a pretty shitastic tailspin, I'd probably still be in my little apartment, on my own, struggling but making it back in the Lou.

These kids that are mooching off their parents, still, at my age...I cannot wrap my head around it. For the first time in my working life, I'm letting my mom help me financially in a semi-major way with my rent. This comes after years of lending her money, helping to pay her bills, even when she was states away, of going without to make sure that she was ok. In the divorce, she got rid of a giant financial burden: Bob. For the first time in her life, she is with a partner who understands what it means to LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, and that oh-so-simple concept that the bills get paid, and then the fun happens with whatever is left.

For the first time in a long time, she can actually afford to help me financially, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually afford to *let* her help me financially.

However, I refuse to let this be a forever kind of thing. Because, while I am grateful, every day, that she *understands* me well enough to know that I need some sort of independence and that while I love her, living with her would only make me feel worse about myself and my situation, I also hate the fact that I am a financial burden. She understood how awful living with my grandparents all that time was, not because of the actual living situation (because they're great, despite the little tiffs we had, which happen) but because I felt like such a huge burden on them.

Why do so many people my age not have that? That burden feeling? Why do they feel entitled to have their parents take care of them, still, at my age and beyond?

Which brings me back to shaving my head due to the heat.

Right now, Paul's unemployed, still. It's been almost a year and a half of him trying to find a job in his field. His unemployment benefits are about to run out, so...we're cutting back on a lot. Including air conditioning, which, if you've ever been to Florida, you know is pretty effin important. Hence, why it's 85 degrees in here, and I can't sleep because I'm melting, and I'm sitting here, ranting about financial independence at 4am. But you know what?

I may be melting, but hell, at least I'm living within my means.

Halloween, the 24th edition

No, my blogglings, I didn't forget about you. I've just been a busy girl, in that whole way that I don't do much and yet manage to kill lots of time.

So...updates...updates...

All right.

Update #1: Mama n Dave got a puppy! Her name is Britta, she's a sevenish month old husky/German Shepard mix, and my absolute new favorite thing in life. I love this friggin dog. So. Effin. Much. She's a GIANT spaz, chewing everything and everyone in existence.

How on Earth can you say no to this face?

Update #2: Speaking of pets, Schubs is in the process of downsizing her animal collection, and I'm going to be adopting this little fuzzy bunnyball. Chewie's always been my favorite, and I never thought that I'd be taking in the little guy, but holy jeez, I'm super excited. He's going to be making the trip down to Florida with Katie when she comes to visit. (Of which she will be paid in hugs, my cooking, and sushi.) I'm so excited to have this little guy become part of my little family.


Update #3: The Cardinals won the World Series! Somehow, some way, I got dragged into watching the playoffs and caring about baseball for once. I have a feeling it has something to do with this goofball here.


...speaking of that goofball, things are great. We talk all the time, skype has been really awesome in making him feel a little less far away, and well...I'm working on getting the monies together to trip up to see him as soon as I can. He makes me smile....ok, he makes me grin like a complete doofus. There have been a lot of little things that make feel comfortable and secure in this...whatevership. The connection between us is definitely growing, and I just...I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, aside from the fact that things are good, he's amazing, and I cannot wait to see him, whenever that ends up being.

Update #4: Burgy the Bridesmaid strikes! Stephie, one of my oldest and dearest friends, asked me if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and well...I agreed. She knows me, knows that I will be awkward and goofy and has come to terms with the fact that most of her wedding pictures will have faces and awkwardness like this in them.

But in all honesty...the dress is actually quite pretty. I don't hate it. I just need to get it altered, because it's huge on me.

Update #5: Work is awesome. I love my job. Been there about a month, and well...I'm SO glad to NOT be working at Steam. I'm STILL trying to get this woman to pay me for the two weeks I was there, which is driving me batty. I need that money for a trip to Memphis (or to catch up on my student loans...whichever strikes my fancy)...and well, her deadline of November first is here. If it's not in my mailbox today, I start getting authorities and business codes on her ass. It's been over a month, and well...it doesn't take six weeks to mail a durn check. The end.

Update #6: I've come to a place where I feel like I can comfortably stop going to therapy. It wasn't a decision I came to lightly, and talked about it ad nauseum with my mom and a few close compatriots. For now, I'm going to keep going with the medication, but...honestly, I've been forgetting to take it a lot as of late. oops.

Honestly, I'm happy. I'm a bit lonely at times with my friends being so scattered across the country, but you know what? They still love me, I still love them, and well...there's a reason I'm paying so much for this durn phone, and on the internet, and bought this webcam. I'll make friends when I'm meant to make friends, and that's that.

I have another writing project I've been brainstorming and planning, as well as the merchandising project at work, the photo-collage project I've been trying to get together, and of course, the Great Reorganization, which STILL needs finishing. I've got three or four books I've been reading, practicing poker online, gaming, and playing with the pupster.

All right. It's 2:30 in the morning, I should try and get some sleep...or at least enjoy the fact that there are copious amounts of horror movies on cable, for once. I love Halloween.

I'll be better about writing, promise. :)

mer.

I feel like I need to write. I should write. I want to write.
however, I'm so braindead as of late, I just...I got nothing to say.

So. I'm not dead, just working a lot.
And there's not enough coffee to make me witty right now.
Thus, this is all you get.

Can(not) Complain.

Folding laundry on another Friday night, alone in an empty house, no plans. No one's calling, sporadically texting Katie (as per the usual) when I come across my Cardinals t-shirt. That stupid Cardinals shirt I bought only because Andy gave me so much shit when I'd go to games with him wearing random band shirts. Then my Kingshighway shirt. My Jankity Mug shirt.

Lost it. Totally started bawling.

I gave into the homesickness.

Most days, I miss my friends. I miss Mokabes, I miss the zoo, I miss Wehrles, I miss being able to call someone and get dinner or coffee. But I can shove that feeling down and embrace my new home. Today, not so much.

I know part of it is because I haven't heard much from the boy this week. He's crazy busy, and has been living at the studio. Plus, I've been working, so I've been trying to let that distract me. But having someone to talk to daily helps curb that...especially someone who understands, as practically all of his friends are three hours away in Nashville.

I had a dream a couple of days ago about Garrett...that he committed suicide. It scared me. Schubs had an issue, and well...getting sobbing voicemails from her is hard. It's especially hard when I'm 20 hours away, which might as well be another planet. I just feel alone.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThis song has been my obsession as of late...along with a really sick Decemberists obsession.

All right. I actually have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired. So. Next time.

Dear Lord, FINALLY.

I was beginning to think that I'd never get a job...let alone a job that I actually am excited about. But...here I am.

Full time. Mostly closing. Some food prep. The owner's adorable, kinda spastic, both of her kids seem like decent people, and a twenty minute drive with traffic...I will guhlaaaadly take it.

Here's to hoping that I actually succeed and prosper here.

I did the math--a round trip drive to Memphis, gas wise, will cost a little under 275. Eek. So, planning on saving about 400 for the trip. Which, in comparing that with flying, is about the same, ticket-wise, pending when I book and all that. Good knowledge to have. It's a lot of monies, yes, but...this is important to me. I would like to be able to make this happen either over his fall break or Halloween.

His plan is to come down over New Years, and I'm still planning on coming up over his spring break/birthday. He's super paranoid about turning 30, which I find hilarious and enjoy teasing him about. (and well...he'll get to have fun dealing with me turning 25...hopefully he'll be down here for that. I'll need a hand to hold when I turn a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. *shudder*) Plus, once I know when I'm going to be in StL, hopefully I can con him into driving up (considering it's only about six hours, shouldn't be *too* hard) so I can see him then...and maybe he'd get to meet a few of my friends he hasn't seen yet. Which would be awesome. I want everyone to know this important person in my life.

This still feels unreal. Like...I should wake up from this weird dream in which things work out any minute now and go back to the shitbox which is normally my luck.

In reading about everyone's school adventures...it makes me really miss school. I didn't realize that taking a year off was going to affect me so much. I'm trying to stay in the know, reading and whatnot...but there are a lot of times where I'm just doing mindless things. I cannot wait to get back into classes, into a learning environment, especially now, now that I have a plan and a goal to work towards.

So...a lot to look forward to. A lot to be happy about. A lot of hard work ahead. Bring it, world. I'm ready.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: I have an interview tomorrow at Steam. Steam is a coffee shop that I've been stalking since I got here...right off the beach, has been here for ages, is super cute, indie, and just generally wonderful. THEY FINALLY CALLED. Let's hope they hire me.

Bad news: talking to Greg last night...and he's not going to be able to get the time off work to get down here in October. Which was news I took fine...until I got off the phone with him. Instant bawling. Which turned into one of the most intense and scariest panic attacks I've had to date. Tried to calm it down with alcohol (since my shrink won't give me anything for these episodes *grump*) and ended up...I'll spare you the details. It wasn't pretty, and I paid for it this morning.

He apologized profusely for letting me down and all this...and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't his fault and I knew that--if he had the choice, he'd be here, no question. I was more upset at myself for allowing myself to get my hopes up that much, especially when it was still very much up in the air.

So. Now what?

Now I work as much as possible, save up monies, and hopefully make it up to Memphis at some point in October or November. I'm still going to aim to make it up there over his fall break, because then we're just working around his work schedule, and I'm not completely in the way for school too.

I'm so proud of him. He's apparently doing great in school, impressing his professors, especially his studio professor...to the point where they're going to be putting a lot of his stuff in shows and things that will allow him to make some cash and get his name out there. He's also been given some TA responsibilities in the studio. Honestly...he has an amazing talent which is really only matched by his artistic passion. I love it, and I'm glad that I can help support him.

He's been amazingly supportive in the job hunt too. Keeping up, asking questions, remembering things I say. Holy shit, a boy that listens. He's been supportive in every aspect of my life that I've let him in...which is just about everything.

There's been more future talk. More past talk. More present talk. Been learning more about each other, and it's been awesome. The more I learn about him, the more I like him.

I hate being such a girl sometimes.

So. Need to finish a laundry and put together a look for tomorrow's interview. Wish me luck!

Eek.

Being a bridesmaid in Stephie's wedding will be good. I will be pretty and classy and not make a complete ass out of myself.

*this is my new mantra concerning this topic*

I'm really happy that I actually get to be in the wedding. Don't get it twisted. This is my Stephie, who has been there for me through a lot. We've been friends forever. This is important to her. and to me, in a strange way. and I'm picking to worry about little things because I'm me, and this is what I do.

...is it bad that I want to dye my hair blue to match the dress?

(I think she'd murder me.)

Greg is adorable, things are great, still job hunting, still working on mental stuff. There's not much to update in the rest of the world.

This is not your playground, it's my heart.

Keep your secrets in the dark,
nothing matters anymore
Body's breaking, drive me crazy
This is not your place
No, this is not your playground, it's my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Courage broken, lashed to scars
Can this love be what I want?
Body's breaking, driving me crazy, it's your fault.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut

Hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens in blood.
Oh, so hang us a hangman, we'll bury our burdens

Become stronger juggernaut.
Answer me (did we take this too far?)
You've given all I could need (did we take this too far?)
Oh, but your kiss won't leave me be (did we take this too far?)
Cause your teeth just won't stop chewing out my heart.

We were stupid, we got caught
But nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are juggernaut
Here we are juggernauthttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Here we are juggernaut

--Coheed.

mer.

I'm a friggin idiot.

Overslept through the "audition." Tried to play it off by going in later...however, I'm not so sure that it's going to work. Which...is what it is.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself...there's no one else to point the finger at. I tried to go to bed, and just...was up. Watched the hours tick by. 10, 11, 12, 1, 2,3, 4... Barely was able to acknowledge my alarm, but somehow managed to shut it off.

I'm sitting here crying, because I'm just...angry. Angry at myself. It just feels like no matter what I do, I seem to sabotage myself.

So...it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.

Let's just see what happens.

"Watching it spin by, unbound through space. Watching them with an open mind..."

Familiar patterns.

Weird interview. Weird vibes. Will I take the job? I don't know, honestly. Will I get the job? I also don't know...and almost think not, because of the "audition" they're wanting me to do. Just seems strange to me.

The boy and I are starting to become comfortable...in that way that we didn't talk much for a couple of days, then had one night of long conversation, and now I've barely heard from him today. I find myself edgier and feeling a bit lonely on the days I don't hear from him, but I also cannot expect him to call every night and talk for hours. To text me nonstop for an entire evening. His social life might be about as rockin as mine right now, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk to me every day. I'm adjusting to it. I'm also trying to remind myself NOT TO PUSH HIM. I tripped up a little bit last night, which is probably part of the distance today. I don't know though. I think it's just my own paranoia. I need to give him space and not force him to get sick of me before he even shows up. (or would decide not to.)

I'm totally paranoid. Everything is fine. Everything's great. We once again established that we care about each other, and that he wants a future with me in it, in some form or another. That he's not looking for anyone else. But. Once again. "I don't want to be in a relationship for a long time." You want to date me, but...not a relationship? I don't know what this means. For once, I'm struggling to understand the nuances of BOY language. I have a hard time seeing a difference between exclusive dating and a relationship. Aside from semantics.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Overfeeling. Overcommitting myself to something that is a long shot. Getting involved too deep emotionally. Maybe I should detach from this a bit. Back off.

Who knows what I'll do? Certainly not me.

I'm feeling dumb and almost a bit backsliding. Slipping back into drinking isn't good, even if it was just the one night. However, in that one night, you managed to shake things up between you and Greg. So. You're an idiot. and now, tonight. You gotta quit detaching this way. It's not healthy. and yet...here you are. Falling into familiar patterns.

Ok. back off. back off everything. Retreat, back into yourself. Back into your mind. Living in your fantasies is safe. Pulling back into a womb of sorts. Something dark. Black. Warm. Safe. No one can hurt you in your mind, if you pull back enough.

No one but yourself. and well...you're used to hurting you. It's nothing new.

:)

JOB INTERVIEEEEEW!
Tomorrow. at Indigo Coffee, a shop out in Tampa. It's kinda far, but...um, hai. I used to drive from Fenton to the Valley practically every day. Oh, and Ellisville. and the mall. I'm used to driving for work. NBD. Things might actually be turning around!

I need to keep focusing on the positives in my life right now. The interview. My support circle of wonderful friends and family. This beautiful scenery I've put myself in. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes on my back. The ability to work through things in my life. There's a sweet boy in my life who I enjoy and enjoys me. (and whose new favorite thing is "movie dates" with me...where we both end up watching the same movies to fall asleep to. So. Cute.)

All right. I gotta get moving on. I promise I will keep the world updated as things happen. For now...I need foodstuffs.

We're gonna turn this mess around....

Dear Boy,
Whatever doubts I had were squashed last night. You're wonderful. This situation currently kinda sucks, but...there's hope. Hope for the future. and well...knowing that we're both planning of a future that involves the other makes things so much easier. Makes it easier to know

Here's to tomorrow...or whatever gets us by. <3

my friends are wonderful.

I love Garrett. Seriously.
"What'd I fucking tell you? I TOLD YOU. I fucking called that shit SIX MONTHS AGO. I win."

...An ego after my own heart.

But great conversations tonight with both him and Greg, so. I'm happy.

And now, to go work on the Great Reorganization and maybe even sleep.

warning: a girly post.

In exactly two months from today, I'll be getting ready for Greg to get here the next morning. Will I know exactly what will happen? No. Of course not.

It's hard for me not to think of us as something more than friends, especially now that Brooke is out of the picture. Especially considering a lot of the things we've talked about. But. We've established that we both care about each other. However: 1)his engagement just ended a couple weeks ago 2)I am in Florida, he is in Memphis 3)I need to get my mental shit together, once and for all. 4)He needs to get his shit together, once and for all.

I just...I'm torn. It doesn't help that there are a TON of mixed signals happening. I think he's scared, rightfully so. I know I'm scared. This connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. Blows the past relationships out of the water...and this isn't even a real relationship. I've never spent six hours on the phone with anyone and had things to talk about the entire time. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt electricity when being around them...hell, even sometimes just thinking about him. He's on my mind...a lot. More often than not.

We've talked about things we want to do: touristy things, like the Dali Museum. He wants to meet my mum (has made a big deal about this actually, which I find strange...meeting parents always seems like such a *relationship* thing). He wants to go watch the sun set on the beach and drink wine. Take me out places. Spend plenty of time in bed, cuddling, watching movies, and...whatnot. There was even talk of a day trip to Disneyworld (I've never been and apparently this is flabbergasting to him...sorry, we grew up hella poor) and getting a hotel for the night. He actually pushed the trip back a couple of weeks "to make sure he had enough money to romance me properly."

However, this is nothing serious...just fun.

I don't understand. Am I supposed to?

Someone explain it to me.

I go back and forth between severe confusion and acceptance. At the end of the day, this is where we are in things. It's not going to change...at least til I can be with him, face to face.

I've talked to my mom about this a bit, and after stalking him on facebook, she has decided that she likes him and that basically I'm free to do whatever, but she is refusing to let me move until my mental status is better.

I just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

There's a word I want to use, but cannot bring myself to say aloud. Or even type. I just...I can't afford to acknowledge it.

...I think I'm in over my head.

a quick one.

I'll write a bit til I get a phone call from a certain boy. I just wanted to...I don't know.

I sat down with a paper journal last night/this morning (it was probably about 2am, so...yeah) and proceeded to pen the first short story I've written in months...hell, probably years. It's bad. Well...not bad, but...rough. I would like to edit it and probably post it here. It's been so long since I've done any sort of creative writing aside from random bloggy posts, and it was nice to sort of think in those terms again. Hopefully it'll be something I keep up with.

Had my first appointment with the counselor today. It was fine. I was paaaainfully nervous leading up to it, but he was a sweet, soft spoken man. We didn't get into things too deeply this first go-around, but I'm sure it'll happen in subsequent appointments.

Ah well. There goeth the phone. I'm off to talk to the boy.

brain vomit.

So. Greg more than likely is going to wait til October to come down. Which...sucks mildly, but I understand. He doesn't want to miss more class than he has to, and he's already going to more than likely take the day off that Wednesday to fly down. But he also talked about coming down for New Years, and having me come up for his spring break so we can go to Gatlinburg.

He and I spent six hours on the phone last night. Six. Intense. Some serious conversation, some silly conversation...a little bit of everything. We discussed what we wanted to do while he was here. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. A large part of me was hoping he'd call again tonight, but I don't want to bug him and now it's faaaar too late.

I'm confused. He confuses me. He says things that lead me to believe he wants to eventually get serious, but at the same time, says that he really doesn't, at least not for a long time. And once again, I get it--considering he just got out of an engagement and a several years long relationship less than a month ago.

I have my first psychologist appointment Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but I know it's something that needs to be done. Then going back to the psychiatrist later in the week to discuss medication. again.

Talked to my mom a little bit about the job thing and how I'm still kinda not really completely ready. And she understands, but wants me to keep looking. I'm just scared that I don't feel stable enough to be a reliable employee...and I don't want to fuck things up. I feel like crap having to leave several places off my resume in the first place.

and yet another boy has decided to profess his adoration of me...seriously. Why. Let's quit this. He's one of the StL kids, and well...he's sweet, but we had already established that things would go nowhere. So...I had to reiterate it, which made me feel like crap, but at the same time...needed to be done. He said basically that he understood, but felt better just coming out and sharing his feelings.

I can't help but wonder why now, I suppose. Why now have several boys in my life decided to look at me in a different way? And I can't help but wonder what I've done differently as of late to attract the attention...I'm not seeking it out. The only person I really sought out was Greg. It's always been about him, since I met him. Which...is an issue.

*sigh* I feel like writing right now isn't getting me anywhere. I need to sleep.

I really need to quit this.

Went out on a date with a really sweet guy. The only issue is that he is polyamorous, is married, has a kid. However, he and his wife are very open with each other about their other relationships. And well...I'm ok with that. As long as everyone is honest. and well, one date doesn't necessarily mean anything. And I'm me, which means slowness happens.

However, it's as if God wants to taunt me. Literally as I pull out of the parking lot after leaving this date, Greg calls, to talk to me about his trip. And we proceed to talk for two hours. It was great to hear his voice, and we talked, once again, what it will be like when he's here and how exciting it will be to be together again, this time with no restrictions.

After I get off the phone, dateboy had texted me several times, to tell me that he had a great time and that he really liked me and hoped to see me again. and I proceeded to feel like complete crap.


I'm an idiot, I'm realizing. I still have feelings for Greg. I should not be going out with other guys, no matter how much I think I'm over him. Because I'm not. The end. Which is dumb. I'm just asking for trouble. I'm asking to get my heart stepped on again.

When will I learn?

Apparently not soon enough.

Taking a break.

...from working on my reorganization of my digital music collection. (which has been ongoing since I got here. I've gotten almost everything organized, and am now in the process of relinking songs on my iTunes, which is tedious and time consuming.)

So, my roommate Paul has been unemployed since June of last year. He was let go from a graphics design firm after 20 years. Got a fatty severance package, and took six months off of life and got back into school to learn more about the web design aspect of graphics. He's still looking for a job...and well, the severance package is about gone. He's beginning to worry about how to continue paying for the house we live in, bills, the whole nine. He's had several interviews, several second interviews, third interviews, and yet...nothing. and while I've put in about a dozen applications various places, I have yet to receive a phone call from anywhere. Being unemployed is getting to both of us.

Been talking to Greg a lot since he and Brooke split. Which...is what it is. There's talk that he might come down to FL to visit me in September and/or October. Basically, we've established that we enjoy each other's company, but that the distance makes things hard. We've also established that both of us are really not in places where any sort of serious relationship is a good idea. (he's getting over Brooke in a strange way, and I'm trying to put myself back together) So. I adore him. He adores me. That's all we have, and frankly, all we need. We've now reached a point where we can be completely honest with each other from an emotional standpoint--which is awesome. He's spending the week in Alaska on a cruise with his family...and invited me to tag along, which would have been amazing. However, plane fare to meet up with them cost monies, and well...I lack monies. So. Still in Florida.

Been researching counselors and psychologists, and have narrowed it down to the one I think I'll be going to. He's close by, and his school of psychology is something I'm interested in, and think I'd be willing to work with. So, now it's a matter of figuring out the insurance stuff and scheduling an appointment. If the insurance aspect doesn't work out, I will be crabby. Seriously crabby.

I think I'm reaching the point where I need to start job hunting outside of coffee...I just really don't like the idea of working some shithole job that I will hate. As nerdy and weird as it sounds, coffee is my calling, my passion...and everything else I've tried, I've been able to do, but not necessarily succeed. I got by at Old Navy, but I hated it, and well...they weren't giant fans of me either. HT (both places) loved me, but at WestCo, I was generally awful at getting people to sign up for things and hated asking. Crestwood was whatever...I wasn't expected to sign people up for shit, because we all knew the store was closing. I just...I love coffee, I'm great at all aspects of it, I have a ton of experience...I didn't think that finding a job would be this difficult, to be honest. Oh well. I will find something when I am meant to find something, and until then, all I can do is continue looking and filling out applications.

*sigh*

Part of me is so ready to get back into the work force. The other part of me is terrified of screwing it up...or letting my depression screw it up. Kaldis and DC were both experiences that were immensely effected by my mental state at the time...and while I'm trying hard to get better, there are days where I'm not great. and well...I don't want to blow it again.

Mk. I need to attempt sleep. It's 4AM.

Florida...an update, I guess.

I haven't necessarily forgotten about this, I just...I don't know. I would love to say I've been busy, but I haven't. I would love to say...a lot, and yet...there's not a lot to say.

I'm down here. Florida. Sunshine, palm trees, beaches...the promise land. Chuck and I survived the trip, even without air conditioning, got my stuff moved into Paul's, got posters hung up, internet set up, and set up house. Living with Paul is nice. We get along well, a lot better than I expected, actually. He's a little moody and a bit on the needy side...which is fine, at this juncture, because I'm moody and have no life, so I can fill the needy part.

The job search has been fairly fruitless thus far...it's not for lack of trying. It's just that I seem to be striking out. Which is surprising to me...especially with Starbucks. Hell, that was my fallback option. And yet, no one's called.

Gone to the doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who has changed my medication. From Prozac to Cymbalta...which works with serotonin and norepinephrine receptors, instead of just serotonin. (an SNRI) (I've done some research into the brain chemistry aspect of both drugs...mostly because I'd like to know what's going in my body.) All my other meds have been suspended, because she seems to think that my panic attacks and anxiety will decrease on this new one. She also seems to think that this will help my insomnia, which she seems to think is depression-based. Which...I don't necessarily know if I fully believe or not, but norepinephrine deals a part in sleeping, so. Maybe. I've also basically been ordered to start seeing a psychologist or counselor, and am on the hunt for one now in my area. I haven't had a lot of luck in past situations with counseling, but...I guess I'll try again.

I joined up with one of those online dating sites, not necessarily to date or find a boyfriend, but honestly, to hang out with someone my own age. However, two different boys have taken me out, and then proceeded to drop off the face of the earth. Which is frustrating. That, combined with the number of random dudes sending me gross messages and annoying things like "ur teh hawtnez" ...I'm probably going to shut down my profile after I finish this. As much as I desire interaction with 20somethings, I don't think this was the way to go about it...which sucks. It's hard to meet people when you're broke, unemployed, and not in school.

There are days where I can't get out of bed. Where all I do is cry. Or have one panic attack after another. Fits of rage. Days where I don't leave my room, forget to eat, or do nothing but clean or something else obsessively. I've noticed that as of late, I'm losing things more often--physical items (such as shoes, my phone, and keys) and abstract things, such as my train of thought. My short-term memory seems to have completely disappeared. It's bizarre. I feel more "crazy" than ever. And while it's amazing to have my mom here, supporting me and loving me...I see her sometimes, gazing at me when she thinks I'm not paying attention, this look of pain on her face. I hurt her. My illness hurts her. I feel like a burden on her, both emotionally and financially. And that hurts me.

It's that feeling of being a burden that is the only real fire under my ass to pretend to be a functioning member of society. Getting a job, back in school, the whole lot. I honestly just want to focus on feeling less...*bad* and feeling better.

A very large part of me is distracted by Greg. Again, still? Yes, again. Still.
Another perfect example of my life. I spend months pouring myself and my best intentions into this weird relationship-friendship thing, we say our goodbyes, he goes his way, I go my way, and just when I've convinced myself that he's better off in his present situation...his engagement is broken off. I'm not sure who's done the breaking. I'm not sure where he n the girl stand. All I know is that I'm worried about him...and his flirting with me did not help the tiny shiver of hope that wiggled down my spine. Nor has anyone else's input...especially a former co-worker emailing me, telling me to "get on that, because he's crushed on me since the first day he met you." >_< GAAAAAH. This is not what I need to hear. This is not what I need to be thinking about. And right now, it's taking every ounce of self-control I can muster not to borrow some gas monies from my mum and drive up there to see him. Not to call him. Not to barrage him with texts and shit. I've made it clear that I'm here, if he wants to talk...but he should know me well enough to know that I run on caffeine, nicotine, worrying, and a pinch of visionary imagination. But I swing back and forth, side to side, and all over the place in trying to figure out how I feel, what I should do, and if I should even get involved. I told him this many a-times, and I've meant it every time: all I want for him is for him to be happy. With me, without me, with Brooke, alone, whatever. I have my ideas and preferences as to how to get him there, but...at the end of the day, not my life. All I can do is support him.

So.

I guess you're wondering if Florida's really a better place than the Lou. The answer right now, is an astounding cry of "I have no idea." But...I'm here now. So. All I can do is continue to try and make it work.

Signal in the Sky pt 2.

Two posts in one day?! OMGZ.
...whatever. I'm bored at work, and I got time to kill...and I just finished my book I brought along, so...whatevskis.

I have a couple of mental projects I want to start working on. One involving my music collection. One involving a photography thing. One involving some writing.

I'm realizing more and more that I need to start creating again and not just reveling of others' arts.

I gotta par back the world. Get back to basics.

I've reread this journal and my LJ from last summer...we know me, this is always a weird point of contemplation. Looking back. I'm so great at looking back. (this is something that cripples me from completely moving forward in life. I understand this.)

Who I was then and who I am now are vastly different. And who I was back then was a person struggling to deal with...silly things. Silly things that seemed big at the time. Philosophical dilemnas of religion...all based on some morbid curosity and some inherant guilt that I always deal with. Philosophical delusions of grandeur. I though I was some big-shot-coffee-indie-snob who was better than a lot of the situations I put myself in.

I think that's the thing that I'm really learning, have started to understand and learn from everything that has happened, from the house to IAG to the hospital to the boys to the alcohol abuse to the depression--the whole lot.

I am a good person. Yes. However, I fuck up. And more often than not, these fuck ups are MY FAULT. One of my biggest strengths is my weird sense of logic--I can logicize anything. I, however, have found myself for the past...well, twentysomeodd years using this power for EVIL. I can make anything be about someone else, and get myself off the hook.

I have this expectation of everyone around me to "own their shit"--ie, to be honest about the choices they're making...and yet, no one really wants to call me out on the fact that I'm not all that great at owning MY shit....that in fact, I'm actually quite bad at it.

So, in the next few weeks here in the Lou, and then onto Fl, this will be one of my biggest projects. Owning my shit.

Tonight, after I close here and drop off Chuck at the doctor, the work begins. I need to start crafting some things, some plans to make the next three weeks here part of owning my shit in regards to people and situations.

...

Mer. Well, for now, I should probably make a half hearted attempt at appearing to work whilst being at the mall. Laaaa di dah. I'm sure I'll be writing more, as the next month will be a big one.

<3

Signal in the Sky....

I'm done. With school, that is. Graduation is Saturday.
On one hand, I'm excited and proud. I accomplished SOMETHING.
On the other hand, it's an associate's degree, which to me feels...well, not all that real. Especially when my friends have been done with their B.A.s and a chunk of them are working on masters and PhDs and that mess.

If we knew anything about me, we'd have figured out that you do things on your own time.

Three weeks. Three weeks til the move. I'm still working at the mall...things ended up ending badly-ish at DC. Which...I don't particularly care. The place served its purpose, and when it stopped serving its purpose for me, I stopped serving my purpose for it. It is what it is.

I've been thinking a LOT about my journey here in the Lou. There's one person in particular that I've been thinking about...an old partner in crime. I've been thinking about how I did her wrong. Not just a little wrong...like intense amounts of meanness and fuckedup-edness. Manipulation. Bullying. Anger. Things I said, things I did...it was unfair. And you know what? She wasn't perfect either, but this is definitely one of those cases where my foul-ups definitely outweighed hers.

I've always been one of those people who refuses to apologize until I'm actually sorry. I think I might actually be sorry in the case of Katie. So...an apology is in order, somehow.

In other news.

CHUCK IS A BITCH. He's going BACK to the car doctor tomorrow...and I'm getting ready to spend MORE monies on him that I don't have. Considering all in all, I've spent 800 bucks on him over the past month and he's still not better....I wish I could get that money back, use it as a down payment for a shiny, new car.

Anyway.

As I have not posted any music for awhile [hell, I haven't posted much of ANYTHING here as of late], I'mma give y'all three mixes. I uploaded them recently for a friend of mine, so...enjoy!

www.mediafire.com/?9dfe5v0u0azvo25
www.mediafire.com/?tv2yt1kzafd3y7e
www.mediafire.com/?6s09j8405kmp9uw

and heeeeere's the suggested track listings:
www.mediafire.com/?w75lhxlxv4sbm45

All right. I gotta get ready for work.

Have you lost your mind?

Things are starting to pick up and wind down. School's picking up to wind down. Work's winding down--after being sick, now I'm barely getting 20 hours a week combined. [which is annoying, as being sick and getting my car fixed killed my savings.] My life here is starting to pick up and wind down.

I'm spending a lot of time currently trying to figure out life once I get down to Florida. How will I make friends? Where will I apply? What am I going to do about school? I've come to the conclusion that I will get my ass in therapy, no matter how much I hate it. I will have to find a job quickly, which is fine. The sooner I start working, the sooner I'll feel useful. [We've tested you not working. It makes you crazy.] Florida is all about working myself out, and figuring shit out once and for all. This is not to say that I will never have another problem again, but some of these big over-arching themes--it's time to meet them head on and conquer them.

I'm also pondering going back and finishing up my B.S. in Psychology and going to grad school. I keep rolling around school and job options in my head, and honestly, business isn't for me. And well...I have nothing really keeping me from grad school, aside from my own intense laziness. [Which I need to work through.] Psychology has always interested me, and I keep trying to figure out what my skills and what my passions are. People are a skill and a passion, which is hilarious and ironic to me. I spend so much time running away from both of these things...now that I'm ready to embrace it, it involves helping myself to grow and work on other areas.

Greg's leaving in three-ish weeks. Some days this is barely a passing thought, other days, this is all I can think about. After our talk, I feel ok with the path our friendship has taken thus-far, I can't help but worry what happens once he leaves. Once I leave. Will I see him again? Will we keep in touch? I don't want to lose him from my life. At the same time, I'm not particularly sure where I fit in his life--he'll be married sooner rather than later. Things change once that title changes. I'm working towards being ok with never seeing/speaking to him again once he leaves--that way, if we continue a friendship, it will make me happy, and I won't expect it.

Anyway. I should probably get some homework done before class. I'll write more as things develop...and next time I'll write about Coheed and KC. :)

mistakes we know we're making...

I should have done a lot of things. I should have taken a day off...it wore me out to the point of getting walking pneumonia and bronchitis. So, all of those days off that I should have taken over the last month had to be compiled into this week and a half where I'm focusing on getting better.

I should have kept my mouth shut like I was asked to. I misjudged two people I thought I could trust, and it could have ended a lot worse. I had to do a lot of backpedaling and smoothing over.

Money will be fine, but taking this much time off, I may have to dip into my savings a bit. Plus, April was going to be a bit rough anyway, with Garrett and I going to KC next weekend, my mum and brother coming to town,the Decemberists with Boston, papers, and finals. I may end up working a bit longer in May to make up for it. [Not part of my original plan, but it'll be ok.]

I have a lot going on in my mind lately. I need to do some massive writing. I've had an idea of a project that I really want to get working on. I have the time, I just need to do a bit more pre-writing.

I'm so behind in school right now. I'm not sure how that happened. I have an A in sociology, a B in business writing, and a C in physics. I'm in the middle of playing catch up on book questions from physics, which will help that C...and I just have to stay on top of it the rest of the semester. The other two classes I'm ok with, just gotta keep on keeping on. I need to start working on my research paper for sociology, and my final paper for business writing. If I get these done sooner rather than later, the end of the semester will be faaaar less stressful.

Life is a balancing act. If things go out of whack, it gets harder for awhile...but eventually, things will sort themselves out, and you'll get the hang of it.

Clay's in town this week. We saw this movie last night, and I was impressed by the use of music in this movie. [Though Zach Synder's movies usually use amazing music.] So here's a link to the Sucker Punch soundtrack, along with this plea: go see this movie!

stupid girl.

You, my friend, seem to be a glutton for punishment.
The question is, as always: now what?


How do you fix this? Is there something to fix? Maybe everything is fine. I doubt it, but maybe.

I don't know. I need to decide whether or not to keep this mum. There is only one person I would like to talk to about it...just because we've been together on this since day one.

>_< I'm exhausted. I'm not making any sense because I haven't slept and work too much and too many days in a row and I'm going to run myself into the ground if I keep going at this pace.

Dear world, slow down.

I gotta homework.

One day...

"It’s time that I got myself a nice suit
So that I could look respectable for you
And it’s time that I built myself a refuge
So that I could hide away if I so choose

These days it feels that everything is changing
Used to be that every stride, you were standing by my side
But now it feels I’m walking on a tightrope
As I try to balance out how to make you proud

One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary

I will shine, I will radiate

One day I’ll be perfect, I’ll be so extraordinary

I will take your breath away
And you almost don’t even recognize me
Saying, “How did you erase all but gorgeous from your face?”
But don’t be scared ‘cause I’ll live here forever
Won’t you take a venture out, won’t you take a venture out of there.

One day I’ll be perfect….

The stars will fall from skies above
But I am no prophet of doom
I just thought I’d warn you
It’s a service I provide for free to you
They call it love, babe.

One day I’ll be perfect…."

Army of Me. Your lyrics are cheesy, your musicality is sub-par at best, but dammit, I feel you on this.

One day I'll be perfect...til then, I'm just a disappointment.

How to Disappear Completely....

Got a hold of a documentary that I had been searching forever, about five kids going through their high school in Warsaw, Indiana. I'd bought the book that proceed the film version in a used book store that I was obsessed with in Indy back in the day, and finally finding the movie...it made me smile.

After watching it, in looking back at things since high school...I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. IF I went wrong...and where the hell that sweet, innocent, flat-out-STUPID girl I was back then went.

Yes, depression is something that I dealt with in high school. After my parents moved us to Indy in the middle of my freshman year, I took it hard. I didn't speak to anyone the rest of my freshman year, just focused on writing and studying. I isolated like MAD. I did a lot of this sophomore year too, until meeting Stu, and then eventually Ian. I forced myself to be social the latter two years, especially during the weird rough patches of Ian and I's psuedo-relationship crap, and got even more involved with things when my homelife became as awful as it did. It was easier to be out in the world. It was easier to put on a happy face, bury everything down deep, and give myself so much stuff to do that I didn't have time to think or feel or be anything.

I thought I had it rough then. I thought that the home issues were bad. I thought that I'd break from the pressure of everything I was doing then...but in all reality, no one was putting any pressure on me except me. No one expected me to do and be everything I was, except me.

I remember applying to schools, thinking about how college would change me. College would set me free, get me away from the oppressive and painful strangle of my parents. Would allow me to be someone aside from the chubby, awkward, painfully quiet girl with a few, like-minded nerdy friends. and yes, EVERYONE thinks that going away to college is going to change them. Going to make things better. For some people it does. Some people, it blows up in their face. Me...I'd say it was a mixed bag, leaning more towards the latter.

I'm attempting to process mostly where the smart girl who could get through anything went...and why these episodes the past few years have crippled me to the point where I'm 23 and just now, FINALLY, preparing to have an associate's degree. I look around and see people from high school that are married, having babies, grown up jobs, grown up lives...and here I am, in my grandparent's house, being baby-sat because I can't live on my own, working shitty jobs, feeling lonely and depressed. How in a few months I'm running back to my mommy with my tail tucked between my legs.

Dear god, when did I become such a loser?

Worse...or better?

I'm back in the BatCave in Fenton. The cluttered, mess of a BatCave it is. My family strong-armed me into this. So they could "keep an eye on me." Keep an eye on me, like I'm toddler in the silverware drawer. Sheesh.

I find myself still getting angry and anxious at the drop of a hat. Had several panic attacks the day of moving. (in which Jen and Beck bailed, leaving me without a truck and a moving crew.) I got it figured out, but still. I punched a hole in the wall at my grandparents over not being able to find a black shirt for work yesterday. Stupid. [I bought a patch kit...lucky for me, living with my brother, I learned how to fix holes in walls quickly and efficiently.] I don't know what this means as per my meds working or not. I'm trying to balance out. At least I'm not manically deciding to drive to Minnesota, or crying every twenty minutes. From the outside, I seem like I'm better. I've put the mask of fake-sanity back on...I always default back to this.

My car is starting to crap out weirdly again. Yay.

My physics midterm is next week. I have to take it before Wednesday. I am terrified.
I haven't been doing aces in the class, and this is the only class that I technically HAVE to pass to graduate. It's just not my bag and taking it online was probably not the brightest move. However, driving out to Hillsboro from WestCo would've taken over an hour and almost 40 miles one way, and the lab-based classes are all out there.

I'm trying to remain out in the world, trying to see friends, stay social, because I know I have to, but I have no real desire to do it. I see enough people at my jobs and school that I end up drained and just wanting to curl up in my bed at home. I've always had isolationist tendencies, but they get worse in Fenton because it's so much easier to do it.

So...back to the original question: worse or better? I have no idea. I have work to distract me, school to distract me, moving, family,doctors, and pills to distract me. But, at the end of every day, it's still me and my brain. Still the same cloud over my head. My life feels like putting makeup on a pig--you can try and make it beautiful, but it's still just a pig. As soon as you let it go, it's going to go roll around in the mud and dirty itself up again.

I am the odd one.

I quit Kaldis. Emailed Matt and basically told him that it had been decided by me and everyone else in my life that I was too crazy to work. and I am....I'm just too crazy to work THERE.

I also got hired at Deer Creek today. Which is cool. I can handle this coffee shop, methinks.

I wish I could say that I felt better. I don't, particularly. I feel unstable and completely out of whack. I was excited about getting a job, and then two hours later was sobbing to Beck on my couch.

I am trying to find the balance between leaning on people and isolating. Everything in me wants to push everyone away. Not because I particularly want to be alone, but because being around a depressed person is fucking DEPRESSING. I am a burden and it kills me. Watching Beck cry because of me broke my heart. I don't like doing this.

That's the thing that people seem to not understand about this. It's more than just an "I'm unhappy about my circumstances." I mean...I am. But I'm also fully aware that I can change my circumstances. Hell, I'm changing them. Moving. New job. Florida. But I have a lot of people telling me that if I just change/remove/add xyz person-circumstance, I'll be happy. No. That's not it. Circumstances are a part of things, and working to change them is good for me. However, this is a medical condition. My biology isn't working, and no amount of changing circumstances is going to fix my biology.

I'm taking the pills. I hate them. I hate taking them. I want them to work...I also want them to NOT work so I don't have to take them. Medicine terrifies me. And right now, these pills are fucking with my head. I'm agitated, high strung, anxious, and just downright angry. Unjustifiably so. So now I have this new anxiety-rage on TOP of the depression. Which, I'm sure makes me a comPLETE joy to be around.

I try to downplay things, especially to the people that matter to me. I don't want to worry anyone. but I know I am. I know Beck doesn't like leaving me alone in the apartment. I know that my mum keeps calling "just to chat"...mostly to make sure I haven't done anything stupid today. My grandparents keep feeding me. I keep getting texts and facebook messages and phone calls from people. Once again, I know this means that everyone cares and that they're trying to help. I also feel pressured to make them think that I am actually ok. I feel pressure to put on the mask, the stupid mask of fake happiness that I can don so well normally.

I really would just like to make it 24 hours without crying,punching things, screaming,whining, or disappointing someone.

Especially that last one.

I don't know where to begin.

We know that your mental state has not been the best as of late. The usual depression that you have this time of year (and in general) has been spiraling for awhile. You hit a new low this weekend.

Just another day, Friday was. You woke up in a funk. Normal, sadly. You went and interviewed at Deer Creek, which went decently. You spent time with Beck. Normal. You got lunch with Jen. Fine. You went back to the apartment. You looked around. The idea of having to pack it up and start getting rid of things ate at you. You were lonely. Sad. You couldn't stop thinking about how all of this pressure, all of this sadness, anxiety, paranoia, circumstances--EVERYTHING--was falling on your shoulders. To the point where you were exhausted, broken, beaten in every way possible. You physically hurt, just sitting on the couch, staring at books and homework and bills and to-do lists. Everything felt so heavy, so unbearable. You realized that you could not do this for much longer. Something had to give. You spiraled down, hard. You get a text from Andy, who you had not heard from in months. He wants to get a drink. He has broken up with his girlfriend and has suddenly remembered that you only hang out when he is in need of someone to complain to. You go, against better judgment. You are not in a good place, and putting alcohol and Andy's whining in your system did not help. You leave a couple hours later, not drunk. Definitely safe to drive physically. Mentally, probably not. You find yourself praying that your car crashes. That someone hits you. You make it to the apartment in one piece. You are disappointed. You make another drink. Why not? You sit down. and something snaps. You realize that you cannot take anything anymore. You decide that God cannot fire you, because you quit.

You slice at yourself for awhile. You keep drinking. You look around for something to take, anything, to make all the shit swirling around stop. However, you also know, in the back of your insane mind, that this is not a good idea. The tiny sliver of rationale texts Beck. Tells her you need her, and to get there. She does. You decide that this environment is not good for you. You are not safe here, and you need to leave. You go to the hospital, where you are admitted to the psych ward.

They take your clothes and give you scrubs. They take your mittens, gloves, scarf, shoes. They take your phone and bag. They give you a room, but first you have to give a verbal agreement that you will not attempt to do any further damage to yourself. Fine, fair enough.

You sleep. A lot. When you are not sleeping, you are pacing around your tiny room, crying. You're bored. You find yourself thinking, among other things, that leaving a mentally disturbed person with nothing to do but be in their own mind is the WORST IDEA EVER. You ask for things to write on and with, you are denied. apparently you could hurt yourself with them. You talk to several people, answer lots of questions, and tell too many strangers very abbreviated versions of your life at this moment. You hate every second of it. You eat lunch with the other patients. You don't speak to them, they don't speak to you. it's not an ego thing. You just do not feel like talking. You do not feel like answering questions. You assume they feel the same way.

All this leads up to your final chat session with the head honcho, who reads your chart and all the notes from the half dozen other people that have asked you questions, and basically tells you that you need therapy and drugs. He tells you that you will be given a prescription for anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety pills, then, after asking about your sleeping habits, prescribes a sleep aid. Then tells you that he is releasing you out into the world again.

This news makes you happy and terrified at the same time. You are ready to get out and have your freedom again...however, you weirdly enjoy the simplicity of being in. The outside world suddenly seems so giant, and you, so teeny.

You wish that you had some sort of mind-blowing epiphany from all this. You don't. You wish that you could say you felt better. You do, sort of. You also acknowledge that this could happen again. You wish that things would magically fix themselves. You realize that they can't and won't. You have to work for it.

So.
Now begins the work, I guess.

Schmeh.

Ben was amazing. AMAAAAZING.
I had fun with Becky, but honestly, I almost wish I had gone it alone...or with someone who enjoys Ben Folds as much as I do. (She looked bored, and I felt bad.)

He played "Evaporated", which I never expected to hear live...and it was amazing. This is my favorite Ben song, and has a lot of weird, emotional meaning to me. I might have cried during it. Felt stupid for doing so after the fact, but...very few people seem to understand my attachments to music and what they do to me. Which is why going to concerts with me is always strange. I'm aware. It's a side of me that few people see...the side of me that is genuinely happy in the moment.

I need to get caught up on things. I'm behind on my physics class...unintentionally. I should look at AM/PM better next time. [Had a lab that I thought was due at midnight tonight...it was due at noon. Found out around 5pm.] I have a million and one phone calls I need to return...although now it'll be hard since my phone broke and I lost numbers. again.

I've had two job opportunities arise in the past couple of days: one with Jen, working at the Maryville cafeteria. This sounds boring, and I'm sure it will be, however, the pay's decent, and I'd be able to get hours AND the job ends in May. That'd be convenient in that my leaving wouldn't hurt anyone. The other is with Becky, at a coffeeshop down Clayton. They're on the hunt for morning people, the pay's better than Kaldi's, and I'd get to actually make coffee and be useful. I've filled out the application for Deer Creek Coffee, and I'll go talk to them Friday. Either way, I'm excited to be able to GTFO of Kaldi's.

With all the snow days and whatnot, it'll be hard to get back into the swing of things, but I'm trying. Worked at Wehrles tonight. Tomorrow, a mid at Kaldis. Friday, I'm off, job hunting, packing, laundry. The weekend is owned by both coffee shops. Might be kicking it with Jen for the superbowl.

I really need to start getting on this whole moving business. It's just hard to scrape up the desire to once again pack up my life.

Alien. Nation.

I posted last time about my focus being on my friends, the people that are here, NOW, and how I want to enjoy that time we have left together.

....

apparently I am the only one.

I'm trying to be understanding. People are busy, they have lives. Shit happens. However, being blatantly blown off several times, especially by the one person who I really will miss having in my life in more ways than one, I'm just...I'm hurt. I'm not sure what to do about it. Yelling and stomping around to them does nothing but put them on the defensive and have them pull further away. Yet...here I am, spending yet another day, crying in my apartment because my friends don't seem to care.

Maybe this will make leaving that much easier, but for now...I'm just sad and lonely. Alone.

losing to apathy.

Egad, man.
I wish I could bring myself to care more about school right now. I'm struggling.

I wish I could bring myself to care more about the living situation, and trying to find a new one. The more I think about it, the more I worry, the more panic attacks I have. and well...I've had enough of them in the last week.

I wish I could care more about Kaldis and trying to make it work. but why? I'm leaving in a few months.

The only thing I find myself really caring about right now is spending time with the people that matter to me HERE, NOW...as well as missing the ones who aren't here.

For now I'm just trying to love the ride.

Ben.

So, in eight days, I will be crammed into the Pageant, yet again, to see my man Ben Folds.

Despite not really having the money to budget in this show...it's insane, but I'd rather not eat for a few days and see him again than miss it.

I'm focusing on the show for the next eight days. I can't keep thinking about this whole life situation. It's making me crazy.

Telling Laura was hard. She cried. I cried. We tried to joke it off, and I know that she thinks I'm attempting to escape from my problems. I know she thinks that this is a direct result of Greg. I know her well enough to be able to know where her brain takes the things I tell her. I also know that no matter how stupid she thinks I am, that she will support me and love me.

Told Greg. Via text. Which I didn't want to do, but...it's hard when he's avoiding me. And I totally get it. I understand that this isn't easy for him. Running into him at the mall, I could see it all over his face. He's ecstatic to see me, but at the same time...conflict. Guilt. Confusion. He's like me, in that emotions do not hide well on that cute face of his. In explaining the move to him, he took it...well. At the same time, he's still leaving first. I once again apologized for things. He apologized for things. I just wish that we could QUIT APOLOGIZING AND GO BACK TO BEING COOL. [as cool as we get, anyway.]

I've accepted in this situation that I'm not going to get what I'd prefer. He's not going to leave his fiance, despite the fact that their relationship is "going down in flames." (his words.) He won't do the long distance thing...I understand. He also doesn't understand that with the right words from him, we'd be substituting the location "st.pete" with "nashville." I just hope that he finds some way to be happy, with or without me. I can find solace in that.

Now that this decision is go, I find myself wanting to wrap up situations. In all honesty, I won't. I know me well enough to know that I'll think about it, then wuss out. and in all honesty...these are people that, at this point, an apology isn't necessary. We've comes to terms with our lives without each other and moved on. It is what it is, and we have to live with our mistakes.

Which is really all life has become. Learning to live with my mistakes. Hoping I won't make them in the future, but realizing that I will...and realizing that the people that matter will love me, regardless.

So. This post started out as a love letter to Ben Folds, but I'mma end it on a MCS note. This song has become my anthem in a way. Consider the lyrics.

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Preach it, Justin. You're wonderful.

...just like my dude BEN. <3

[there, see, I ended it on a Ben note. My sun rises and sets by him after all. :) ]